RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (Full Version)

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CH3CH2OH -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (1/6/2007 5:30:43 PM)

Kidnap Alton Brown for a night and let him do it for you.


My dinner isn't cooking fast enough and I'm starving. Need help!



HouseofBear -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (1/6/2007 7:41:55 PM)

Pour gas on it and set it aflame, it will cook more quickly that way.

I have a bunch of stumps in the yard I need to get moved by Monday, and it keeps raining.  How shall I resolve the situation?



CH3CH2OH -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (1/6/2007 7:48:53 PM)

1. Truck.
2. Really strong chain.
3. Gas pedal is on the right.
4. Well, you'll have holes in your yard, but that's not what you asked about.


I have to drive an hour and a half each way twice a week starting on Tuesday.  I hate driving.  What should I do?



CalliopePurple -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (1/6/2007 8:08:12 PM)

Find a mad scientist to invent you a teleporting device that'll get you there in the blink of an eye.

I hate my sister, but she doesn't know it. How can I break the news gently?



RobertCloud -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (1/6/2007 8:53:04 PM)

Draw a pentagram under her bed and do a ritual of Exorcism.

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The old lady across the street keeps staring out her window at my house every time I open the door, what should I do?



Lorelei115 -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (1/6/2007 8:56:03 PM)

Start opening the door naked. If it doesnt get her to stop looking, at least she'll have something worth looking at!

I got a breadmaker for christmas two years ago and have only used it to make bread twice. Are there other good uses for it?



RobertCloud -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (1/6/2007 9:15:09 PM)

Yes.. For an evening of entertainment gather everyone around the bathtub. Plug it in and throw it into a filled tub. Watch the sparks dance. After a few minutes all the lights will go out, and don't worry it will only take a few days for the power company to get the power back on for the 10,000 people you overloaded the circuits for.

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A friend of mine keeps sending chocolate in the mail but every time they do the squirrels raid the package and get the chocolate. How do I stop those pesky squirrels?



Lorelei115 -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (1/6/2007 9:31:26 PM)

Three words, my friend. Ex. Lax. Brownies. Need I say more? Ok, so your whole yard might end up coated in squirrel poo, but the little buggers would learn their lesson, wouldnt they? [:D]

I seem to be addicted to giving really bad advice to people. How can I get over this?



RobertCloud -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (1/6/2007 10:37:33 PM)

Step one... Chew lots of bubblegum, so much you can't talk.
Step two... glue a piece of plywood over your keyboard.

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I have a cat that can escape from any room I lock him in. He has learned to open the door by turning the door handle (this is real BTW), how can I prevent him from doing this?



LaMspeach -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (1/6/2007 11:21:10 PM)

Try locking it .... if that doesnt work  take the door handles off so he cant open the door and use tape to keep it shut.
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I had a really exciting dream last night, how can i have the same dream again tonight?



CalliopePurple -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (1/7/2007 1:01:19 AM)

Pray to the dream faeries *mutters apology to Morpheus for being blasphemous*

I have an addiction to LiveJournal communities that make fun of bad writers. How can it be cured?



RobertCloud -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (1/7/2007 1:04:48 AM)

Become a bad writer. Then you will know how it feels and will stop instantly.

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My dog barks at everything, sometimes we cannot even find what he is barking at. How can I get him to stop barking?



LadyEllen -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (1/7/2007 5:52:46 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: RobertCloud

My dog barks at everything, sometimes we cannot even find what he is barking at. How can I get him to stop barking?


An AK47 is the answer to many problems in life. And dogs cant shoot back.

Given our crazy gun laws in the UK, whats the easiest way for me to get hold of an AK47 and say, 5000 rounds of ammunition for it?

E



CalliopePurple -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (1/7/2007 1:56:52 PM)

Have a friend in the US buy it for you and mail it.

I am now rotting in Guantanamo Bay because the government thinks that buying an assault rifle for a British person is an act of terrorism. Can someone break me out?



RobertCloud -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (1/7/2007 5:24:26 PM)

I will get all your friends here at CM to send you Pound Cakes with surprises in the middle so you can bribe the guards.

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Now that we have bribed the guards the President wants a bribe too, how do we raise that much money?



CalliopePurple -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (1/7/2007 10:58:37 PM)

Distract him by telling Dick Cheney is hiding oil in his pants.

Gay porn online is usually not very hot. How can I find pretty boys willing to play with each other as I watch?




Musicmystery -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (1/8/2007 12:33:06 AM)

Perhaps you should just dress more warmly.

I keep waking up at 3 a.m. even though I'm still tired. I don't want to take drugs or alcohol, so what do I do?



CalliopePurple -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (1/8/2007 1:13:10 AM)

Bash your head against a wall until you pass out.

I want to watch pretty boys, dammit. Can I find some to play with each other without resorting to an escort service?



LadyEllen -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (1/8/2007 3:22:36 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: CalliopePurple
I want to watch pretty boys, dammit. Can I find some to play with each other without resorting to an escort service?



Yes. As long as you dont mind a conviction and a few years in gaol.

I'd like to try my hand at genocide, but I'm told this is apparently wrong. How can I get a flavour of it, without wiping out the population of a small country?

E



Lorelei115 -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (1/8/2007 3:42:17 AM)

Get an ant farm and subject them to the natural disaster of your choice. I'm told flooding and death-by-magnifying-glass are both very popular.

I miss having a cat around. Is there anything that will give me the same warm, comforting feeling as having a cat purring next to me?



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