RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (Full Version)

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pinkkeith -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (12/15/2006 9:18:07 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: DiamondOrchid

DOM68005 is now dead. How do we hide the body?


Stand him up in the living room and put a lamp shade over his head. No one will ever notice!

DiamondOrchid doesn't like the smell that is coming from the living room. How can we make it smell better for her without using chemicals or burning anything? 



jblack -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (12/15/2006 11:13:35 AM)

I suppose it was inevitable that our advice led to death. That's what is causing DiamondOrchid's aromatheraphy problems. My recommendation is to hire a medium, hold a seance, resurrect Dom68005, and have him leave the house of his own volition. This way, the house will be clear of guilt and ghostly spirits and will smell like leather and roses.

Because I love the smell of leather and roses so completely, I would like to turn it into a perfume. How do I go about making such a scent?



DOM68005 -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (12/15/2006 11:16:44 AM)

Grind into a fine power and disolve in water or light cooking oil.

A large tree limb fell into my yard.  How can I reattach it to my tree?  It's such a lovely tree with that branch where it belongs.



Petruchio -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (12/15/2006 11:51:50 AM)

quote:

A large tree limb fell into my yard. How can I reattach it to my tree? It's such a lovely tree with that branch where it belongs.


Get 3 large 1600 penny nails at least 5 feet long. You will also need a 600 pound claw hammer and a 55 gallon drum of superglue. Then ask pinkeith to repair it, specifying that failure is not an option.

Help! pinkeith has been found nailed to a tree! What can we do to help?



DOM68005 -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (12/15/2006 12:49:27 PM)

Tie him to the tree to insure he does not fall down and remove the nails.  Insert drainage tubes in the nail holes to let the blood drain.

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The traffic light just changed and I want to cross the road.  Baby, it's cold outside!!
I can see a truck coming and he has the green light that just changed. When can I cross the street?



jblack -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (12/16/2006 12:51:57 PM)

Cross the street whenever you feel like it. Trucks will stop for you, and drivers will wave at you graciously with their middle fingers.

Sadly, I have terrible dandruff. What can I do?




SohCahToa -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (12/16/2006 1:02:31 PM)

Go grey it’s the new black

I suffer from ‘itchy flaky scalp’ as seen on all good hair care infomercials. Worse still I’m tempted to collect the flakes up put it in a bowl and call it breakfast. How can I stop eating my scalp?



DOM68005 -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (12/16/2006 1:22:31 PM)

Wash carefully with lye soap and dirty water before eating.

The neighborhood kids are playing in the park next to me,  How can I get some sleep?



Petruchio -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (12/16/2006 1:38:42 PM)

quote:

The neighborhood kids are playing in the park next to me, How can I get some sleep?


Invite the kids in for candy and hot-tubbing in your Michael Jackson playroom. Your neighbors will see you get plenty of isolation after that.

DOM68005 wants to bulldoze his neighborhood kiddie park, but he doesn't know how to drive heavy machinery. Can someone give him lessons?



PALittleGirl -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (12/16/2006 4:30:20 PM)

I will get both my cat and my neighbor, who is blind and deaf to do so. That sounds like fun!

I don't have a Daddy to yell at me for not cleaning my room. How can I motivate myself?



DOM68005 -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (12/16/2006 4:33:27 PM)

Invite Mother over for just that purpose and no other reason.

You found a clothesline full of clothes on clothespins. What do you do?



CalliopePurple -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (12/16/2006 5:09:41 PM)

Take the clothespins off and use them for nipple clamps, then donate the clothes to Goodwill.

PALittleGirl looks a lot like my ex-girlfriend. How can I stop being reminded of this?



FullCircle -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (12/16/2006 5:58:14 PM)

Use those Superman laser beam eyes of yours to cut a little square out of your screen in the location of where she appears.

I’m bored what should I do next I have a pencil, a bar of hotel luxury soap (miniature soap), an Amtrak ball point pen and a pair of scissors?



jdtallfem -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (12/16/2006 6:07:09 PM)

FIrst, take off all your clothes.  Put the soap up your ass.  Poke one eye with the pencil.  Write HELP ME! across your stomach with the pen.  Use the sissors to cut all of your hair off. Then waddle outside naked holding the sissors, the pencil and the pen and scream, "He did it to me, he did it to me!" at the top of your lungs, and point wildly to the house you just left.  Don't stop screaming until the police come.

I am supposed to be meeting a sub tonight who is now two hours late for our meeting.  What should I do to him when and if he finally arrives?



DOM68005 -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (12/16/2006 7:44:56 PM)

Make him welcome as if nothing is wrong.  After he agrees to be YOUR sub, you can have him read the time every 5 seconds until his voice gives out.

I keep getting emails from sub candidates that live too far away for me to travel.  Example: I live in the midwest.  One of my best contacts lives in Florida.
What should I do?  I have vanilla commitments here that I cannot put aside.



CalliopePurple -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (12/16/2006 8:23:05 PM)

Wish really hard for Star Trek transporters to be invented so you can go back and forth easily.

I have to spend the night at my grandparents' because the power at home is out. How can I get the power company to work faster?



Petruchio -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (12/17/2006 12:06:35 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: CalliopePurple

I have to spend the night at my grandparents' because the power at home is out. How can I get the power company to work faster?


Here in Florida we solved the problem by switching from the Old Sparky electric chair to lethal injection. (In executions, WE'RE NUMBER 2! WE'RE NUMBER 2!)

Since Callioipe lives in Washington, he's knocked Microsoft off the power grid. That solved the power problem, but unfortunately Microsoft's outage has caused widespread unemployment in India. What can we do to avoid an economic catastrophe in the Indian subcontinent?



CalliopePurple -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (12/17/2006 1:43:22 AM)

Give them all jobs as telemarketers. If people can't understand what they're saying, there's a better chance they'll buy the product.

Some people I know say the most inappropriate things when drunk. How can I get them to stop doing so in my presence?



DOM68005 -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (12/17/2006 3:04:28 AM)

Take them to the local adult novelty store and talk them into purchasing gags. As drunk as they are they will tie them in place themselves.

Callioipe's electric company traced the power outage to his computer.  They want to take it out of his house, so it won't happen again.  What should Callioipe do?



ShreveportMaster -> RE: Really, Really Bad Advice (12/17/2006 10:29:16 AM)

buy a steam powered computer.

I'm thinking of starting a company building steam powered computers, but I can't find enough Indian telemarketers to promote them, so I hired Nigerian romance scammers instead. Now My employyes are all getting rich scamming My customers and I'm not seeling enough steam powered computers to show a profit. What should I do?



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