Noah
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Joined: 7/5/2005
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Morrigel
quote:
ORIGINAL: KnightofMists
Everyone I read was stuck the idea of trying to help her over an apparent sexual inhibition... well just so happens... that sometimes the sexual inhibition is very much what is in order!
*shrug* Everyone is responding to the OP's obvious personal distress and her desire to feel/be something other than inhibited. This issue is not about us deciding what she should feel, and when, and with whom; she had already decided what she wanted to feel, and when, and with whom. This was the point at which she found a deeply distressing obstacle in her path, which she has asked for help in removing. She obviously knows exactly what she wants and is highly motivated, or she wouldn't be looking for books and advice on the subject.
Not really sure how it is helpful for people to try and reinforce the problem, or inflict some kind of sexual shame on her because she wants to be able to give up inhibition and achieve something better and greater--personal choice.
--M
And you have decided, apparently, that it is well for this woman to feel badly about her inability to conform her feelings to the desires of another and so you jump on this dommely bandwagon to encourage her to reject her native feelings in favor of trying to be more like she thinks this woman wants her to be.
I suspect that Knight and I would agree in allowing as how the feelings she finds in her heart today may be something more, and of more value, than a pesky emotional rash to be medicated away at the first opportunity because it would provide for the amusement of some domme.
This precept of yours, Morrigel, that once a person makes a decision and becomes motivated then no one should say any word about it except in favor is just naive ... if it hasn't been scurrilously made-to-measure for this circumstance. At this point I'll give you the benefit of that doubt.
If this woman had decided to go out and personally disprove the theory that disease can be transmitted by sexual intercourse (and was highly motivated) would it accordingly be somehow inappropriate for Knight to post with a cautionary note that was founded at a point prior to her request for a list of careless HIV+ people with whom to couple without precaution?
Is it possible, Morrigel, that an inexperienced person could make an unwise choice about how soon and how far and how fast to surrender long standing psychological boundaries, this in the early flush of her excitement in entering into BDSM? Specifically, boundaries which have served her well enough to get her here to talk about them? Is it possible that the careful reflections of more experienced people are worth listening to and considering--whether they are eventually acted upon or not?
Is is possible that this question is at least worth exploring? Or does your thirty second psychoanalysis of this woman, combined with the preferences of her new-found dominant acquaintance (anonymous to me, perhaps a friend of yours, I have no idea) trump all other potential considerations?
This whole prospect of rejecting out of hand a whole bundle of one's native feelings and "deciding" what one wants to feel, and when, and with whom, strikes me as well removed from any familiar paradigm of mental health.
Do you know that more than a few thoughtful people hold that one should not focus on feeling responsible for one's feelings, but rather on one's reactions to them? That feelings come unbidden and should be accepted as such and allowed to come in the full confidence that they will--if we don't obsess about them--be replaced by other feelings in due course?
But very much to the contrary you advise this woman to forge ahead making herself fully accountable for her feelings, and accountable for not just changing them in a general way but for specifying her feelings in advance with reference to person, time and place. A pretty big burden to propose for someone who, if you are correct, is already in emotional crisis.
To the OP I might say: "Feel these feelings; these feelings of inhibition as well as the feeling of excitement and whatever else you may feel. Since this is unavoidable in any case allow yourself to do so intentionally and with eyes wide open. Inhabit and explore the place where you find yourself now and don't be so quick to reject it. Inhabit yourself as you are and love and accept yourself as you are--expecting no less of soemone who purports to want a relationship with you. Spend time with patient people. Things change in time and we can in gentle ways contribute to guiding these changes but we kid ourselves if we think we can or should remake ourselves from whole cloth to suit the desires of another."
Whreas you, Morrigel, seem to counsel: "You had feelings which detracted from your ability to fulfill an uncomitted domme's very aggressive requests? Then by all means prosecute this new plan to abandon what you feel in your heart today and manufacture new feelings to suit and please this stranger. Pay no attention to anyone like Knight who offers alternative views for you to consider and evaluate. Some dominant has indicated how you should act and so you must revise your innermost feelings in order to facilitate her. And Morrigel has spoken."
Your counsel to this person seems to involve more capacity to result in shaming than anything else yet presented. What if despite her firmest intentions she eventually fails in her quest to feel things which would clearly be utterly inauthentic to her today? What if even after she reads the prescribed books and subjects herself to this domme's whims, her feelings persist?
What if she finds that being true to herself involves accepting and fully inhabiting many of the boundaries which have served her to date? What a grotesque thing for her to feel shame over. But there you stand promoting the conditions for it.
You so matter-of-factly proclaim "the issue."
Please.
What Morrigel deems to be the issue is not ncessarily the issue, nor even close.
Is the important obstacle here here something standing in the way of her ability to have feelings someone else wants her to have, as you have deemed? Specifically that constellation of feeling which will facilitate the behavioral demands of this domme? Or is the important obstacle here something standing in the way of this woman's ability to inhabit the feelings she actually, naturally has--without "obvious deep personal distress"?
I'd just love to hear your counsel if instead of a domme it was some guy who was busy indicating to this woman that her current feelings don't allow for his proper amusement and that she she had better squelch them in favor a set more to his liking. I'd be curious to see if you got on his bandwagon too.
Is the key issue this? Or that? Or is it something else altogether? I don't claim to be able to offer definitive conclusions off the cuff as you have done based on no more than a brief forum post.
And whatever the key issue may be might there be other concerns worthy of note? I don't see what rules this possibility out. Knight's post made sense to me and not in terms anything like shaming. Quite the contrary he spoke in terms of self-acceptance. Whereas if she follows this course you are unreservedly encouraging her on, where will it lead?
Will she "successfully" squelch the feeling which have come to her quite naturally in favor of others selected to suit someone else?
Will she try and yet "fail" and remain "saddled" with what comes naturally to her? Will she end in feeling sadness or shame because she was unable to 'take responsibility for her feelings' as your counsel implies, and change herself to be the sort of person some domme she just met wants her to be?
My advice to the OP is to review any comments you see here and evaluate them for yourself. If you feel that Morrigel is right and your natural inclinations and psychological boundaries should be whisked away ASAP for the first domme you meet then you are free to leave behind my suggestion that you back up a bit to look at this proposed quest from a few angles before deciding once and for all that you just aren't good enough as you are.
I would be much happier to see someone comfortable with and accepting of her own feelings, including the negative ones. This even if she is curious about advancing her boundaries in a careful, measured way. I'm less happy to see what appears to be someone seeking to fling away that which is in her heart in reponse to "deep personal distress" occasioned by quite natural and typical sorts of responses to some unusually aggressive person she doesn't even know.
In my pesonal opinion this woman who is dabbling with topping you isn't worth her salt if indeed she inspires you as Morigel says to Deep Personal Distress for reactions which are perfectly within the normal range, preductable and understandable as entirely healthy for teh time and place.
If you are in as much distress as Morrigel credits you with, please note that decisions made in deep distress are not uniformly of the most reliable sort. This might be a wonderful time for a kind of self-exploration you may not have done before. You may find that some of these feelings this domme wants you to leave behind are aspects of yourself which you will treasure in your calmer moments. In fact another domme might treasure them as well and eventually love them as well as every other aspect of you without asking things of you which require you to question and even reject your own feelings.
Neither this new domme of yours nor any others in her cheering section should have much of anything to say about what feelings are right for you. If you decide calmly on your own terms and in your own time to explore new emotional avenues I wish you the best.
If you decide that you are worth a domme getting to know you just as you are, rather than only after you have traded in your feelings for a new set, then I wish you well again, and with far greater confidence that you will find fulfilment in any sort of relationship.
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