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Sexual Inhibition - 11/10/2006 8:57:43 PM

niatiika

Posts: 2
Joined: 10/8/2006
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Tonight i made a painful discovery. While conversing with a new Mistress who has shown interest in training me, i found that i could barely talk about my sexual fantasies and masturbate. i was so embarrassed that i started to cry. In the vanilla world, i was very seldom asked to do this. Now i understand it is very commonplace in the D/s lifestyle to be request to do this on demand. Any advice, books, essays, or tips? The Mistress was totally understanding and was not angered or annoyed. i know that if She decides to take me as Her sub, She will address this matter. i would like to show initiative and begin the search for help in this matter.

nia

Post #: 1

RE: Sexual Inhibition - 11/10/2006 9:27:34 PM

DiurnalVampire

Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
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Its not uncommon for someone new to be uncomfortable discussing their fantasies. And the inability to masturbate on command is also not that strange. It ssomething that you get used to as you are exposed to it. Perhaps writing out your fantasies might help, at least you can se how they look on paper. The, sharing them would be simpler as well. Written media is an easier jumping off point than verbal.

Just an idea
DV

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to niatiika)

Post #: 2

RE: Sexual Inhibition - 11/10/2006 9:38:50 PM

juliaoceania

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Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
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Edited because I read your post incorrectly. I must be really out of sorts tonight.,.. sorry

< Message edited by juliaoceania -- 11/10/2006 10:06:10 PM >

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Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to niatiika)

Post #: 3

RE: Sexual Inhibition - 11/10/2006 10:03:12 PM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
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This used to be extremely difficult for me, too. Over time and as comfort and trust levels grew with my Master, I felt safer doing so and it was no longer an issue.

Just because something seems "commonplace" in D/s does not mean someone brand new to a situation should be expected to be an expert on it. Growth, experience, comfort zones, all come with time. It is good this Mistress you are speaking to was understanding of your situation. Should you begin a journey with her, it is likely she will help you to become more comfortable, particularly since you appear so willing to overcome this apparent hurdle.

I agree with DV that it may help to begin writing these fantasies out. Somehow that feels less intimidating than verbalizing them. If you write them out for yourself, then you will have already put them "out there" and they may be less scary to talk about. I did that with my Master - I would write them and send them to him and that was a great starting point until now, well heck there's nothing that I can't and don't tell him, lol. Now his reaction is sometimes, "You want to do what??"

(in reply to niatiika)

Post #: 4

RE: Sexual Inhibition - 11/10/2006 10:46:53 PM

Jobsdone

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Joined: 8/20/2004
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Don't fret too much over this. you have shown heart and courage. It's like anything else worth doing: the more you do it..the better you will become at it.

_____________________________

slaps and tickles,

Jobsdone

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)

Post #: 5

RE: Sexual Inhibition - 11/11/2006 5:41:29 AM

shaylaSC

Posts: 37
Joined: 10/23/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: niatiika

Tonight i made a painful discovery. While conversing with a new Mistress who has shown interest in training me, i found that i could barely talk about my sexual fantasies and masturbate. i was so embarrassed that i started to cry. In the vanilla world, i was very seldom asked to do this. Now i understand it is very commonplace in the D/s lifestyle to be request to do this on demand. Any advice, books, essays, or tips? The Mistress was totally understanding and was not angered or annoyed. i know that if She decides to take me as Her sub, She will address this matter. i would like to show initiative and begin the search for help in this matter.

nia

nia,

Like anything else, this will take time. Don't fret over it just take that time needed. I agree that writing down your fantasies is a good beginning. Learning to accept that your fantasies are not a bad thing to have is another tip.

Society has taught us to believe anything that is not considered 'sexually normal' is wrong. Now you need to reteach yourself and that takes time.

shayla

_____________________________

leave the drama out of it huhhhhhhh

(in reply to niatiika)

Post #: 6

RE: Sexual Inhibition - 11/11/2006 5:55:37 AM

mnottertail

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This shouldn't be painful at all, this should be the first lesson in the course........

we know where we are now, we realize we want to improve on it and be somewheres else, we have to face our fears, embarrasements, hangups and so on...........

I'm OK, you're OK........

Here lays a simple inhibition, a great deal of it having to do that you have never considered it before, didn't have time to consider where you were gonna sit in this situation...........

I am rather reluctant to say you need to read a book or website, you already know how you should feel and that you want to be found pleasing, and your Misstress is going at it in a non -threatening way, rather you should talk it over with her....and tell her that while you might fail, you need to be over this, and beg her to command this often....................

Just remember, Mario Andretti was not a race car driver the first time he hopped behind the wheel, and even such as he; was involved in an accident time to time.

You are young, Lady --- You WILL get over it.......you have my word.

Ron

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to niatiika)

Post #: 7

RE: Sexual Inhibition - 11/11/2006 6:03:18 AM

shaylaSC

Posts: 37
Joined: 10/23/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mnottertail

This shouldn't be painful at all, this should be the first lesson in the course........

we know where we are now, we realize we want to improve on it and be somewheres else, we have to face our fears, embarrasements, hangups and so on...........

I'm OK, you're OK........

Here lays a simple inhibition, a great deal of it having to do that you have never considered it before, didn't have time to consider where you were gonna sit in this situation...........

I am rather reluctant to say you need to read a book or website, you already know how you should feel and that you want to be found pleasing, and your Misstress is going at it in a non -threatening way, rather you should talk it over with her....and tell her that while you might fail, you need to be over this, and beg her to command this often....................

Just remember, Mario Andretti was not a race car driver the first time he hopped behind the wheel, and even such as he; was involved in an accident time to time.

You are young, Lady --- You WILL get over it.......you have my word.

Ron

Nicely put !

_____________________________

leave the drama out of it huhhhhhhh

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Post #: 8

RE: Sexual Inhibition - 11/11/2006 6:19:01 AM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
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Now, in retrospect; if I could spell I would be a wizard...........will you go out with me?

LOL,
Ron

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to shaylaSC)

Post #: 9

RE: Sexual Inhibition - 11/11/2006 6:33:03 AM

Morrigel

Posts: 492
Joined: 10/13/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: niatiika
i would like to show initiative and begin the search for help in this matter.

nia

Fast Reply: There's a lovely book by Carol Queen called "Exhibitionism for the Shy", which addresses the causes and cures of inhibition in a variety of ways. Queen is a wonderful sexual educator and she has found a wide variety of people to give testimony and advice.

If no one else has recommended this book, I would be happy to do so. I think it is wonderful.

--M

(in reply to niatiika)

Post #: 10

RE: Sexual Inhibition - 11/11/2006 6:36:59 AM

MasterNdorei

Posts: 658
Joined: 10/8/2005
Status: offline

You never know.... but there are some who dominate who would see helping you overcome this as a wonderful way to master you. It becomes an opportunity for them. i know the mindset is very different than vanilla, but there are some who look specifically for an issue to address. i am sure your reaction, your honesty, and your desire to overcome this is more pleasing to her than you can imagine at this time... possibly more pleasing than the *scene* would have been if it were no big deal for you.

Just something to think about...

Humbly~*
Master's dorei

(in reply to mnottertail)

Post #: 11

RE: Sexual Inhibition - 11/11/2006 9:48:47 AM

Daddysredhead

Posts: 23574
Joined: 11/6/2005
From: Northern (yet still part of the South) Virginia
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Dear niatiika -

You are facing something that many before you have faced and have overcome as well. I am sure that you will not be an exception, and I admire your Mistress for being kind about going forward gently with you.

I have been less than shy about things of a sexual nature despite my family's Puritanical approach to sex education. (tell her nothing and maybe she won't ask either!) Even though I've been very "open" prior to my bdsm days, there have been times when my Master has asked me things and I feel very shy to respond. Why that has happened, I don't know, maybe I was taken a little off guard. The first time I informed Him of my fantasies, was at the very beginning of our relationship, prior to bdsm involvement. I wanted so badly to let Him know, but I felt that they were even more intense than those I had in the past, and was terribly nervous that He might think I was over-the-top or too freaky or something. One night, I thought about putting in an e-mail that I may or may not send to Him. I was very descriptive, more than I expected myself to be. I waited, saved it as a draft, thought about not sending it, then thought how will He ever know unless I tell Him? So I pressed "send" and that was it. My heart raced when it got close to our lunch date the next day.

When we sat down to eat, I couldn't look at Him, so I asked if He read the e-mail, and He said "yes." I wanted to just die, I think, but I quietly asked Him, "what did You think?" He looked at me and said, "well, you are very candid." I covered my face with my hands and whispered, "I'm so sorry." He got up, came around to my side of the table, took my hands in His, and whispered in my ear, "don't be sorry, I loved it, and it gave me some good ideas." Then He lifted my chin up and kissed my cheek. I felt better, still a little nervous, but much more at ease with being able to provide Him with "full disclosure" when asked for it.

Your Mistress sounds like the same kind of person and I'm sure she will help you along the way. All the best to the both of you.

_____________________________

Founding Member, Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's

Do not challenge me to a battle of wits & come to fight unarmed.

Are you really that stupid? ~ Bless your heart

13th doughnut

(in reply to niatiika)

Post #: 12

RE: Sexual Inhibition - 11/11/2006 1:05:04 PM

losttreasure

Posts: 875
Joined: 12/17/2005
Status: offline

Hmmm... let me see if I understand correctly...

A Mistress with whom you've newly begun talking to, who has not yet committed to a relationship with you, is asking you to reveal your innermost secret sexual fantasies to her while masterbating?

And you are uncomfortable doing this?

And you are under the impression that this is both acceptable and common?

If so, the problem is not with you, dear... except for the fact that you are mistaken about it being acceptable.

(in reply to Daddysredhead)

Post #: 13

RE: Sexual Inhibition - 11/11/2006 1:08:07 PM

mnottertail

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Joined: 11/3/2004
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Nope, I don't believe you got that correctly................

Misstress ('cause I don't know her name) is fine with it and very understanding about it, according to what I read..........

The issue lies with the OP and her desire as opposed to her reality.

No big gig for anybody, hereabouts.

At least, that was my reading......your's may have been more insightful.....

Dunno!

Ron

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to losttreasure)

Post #: 14

RE: Sexual Inhibition - 11/11/2006 1:16:50 PM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: losttreasure

Hmmm... let me see if I understand correctly...

A Mistress with whom you've newly begun talking to, who has not yet committed to a relationship with you, is asking you to reveal your innermost secret sexual fantasies to her while masterbating?

And you are uncomfortable doing this?

And you are under the impression that this is both acceptable and common?

If so, the problem is not with you, dear... except for the fact that you are mistaken about it being acceptable.

Everyone I read was stuck the idea of trying to help her over an apparent sexual inhibition... well just so happens... that sometimes the sexual inhibition is very much what is in order!

I am always amazed that so many think that it is acceptable, appropriate and even common place that a person should be sexually uninhibited with another person that they don't or barely know. Yes, sometimes it does occur that complete strangers hit it off and become very physically and mentally intimate with each other without the emotional attachments. Thou this is acceptable it is not common place or even expected behaviors. But, it is acceptable because those involved are comfortable and consenting to the activities. What I find is unacceptable is the expectation that this should occur. Just because you are submissive doesn't equate that you will be sexually uninhibited with me just because I am a Dominant.

as I always say... Cheaply Given... Cheaply Valued!

< Message edited by KnightofMists -- 11/11/2006 2:00:01 PM >

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to losttreasure)

Post #: 15

RE: Sexual Inhibition - 11/11/2006 1:42:43 PM

Bearlee

Posts: 2311
Joined: 10/25/2004
From: South Central CO
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KoM:

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 16

RE: Sexual Inhibition - 11/11/2006 1:50:24 PM

losttreasure

Posts: 875
Joined: 12/17/2005
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FAST REPLY:

Well, Ron... what do you think?

...While conversing with a new Mistress who has shown interest in training me...

The Mistress... if She decides to take me as Her sub...

Sounds pretty clear to me.

(in reply to Bearlee)

Post #: 17

RE: Sexual Inhibition - 11/11/2006 1:54:47 PM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: losttreasure

FAST REPLY:

Well, Ron... what do you think?

...While conversing with a new Mistress who has shown interest in training me...

The Mistress... if She decides to take me as Her sub...

Sounds pretty clear to me.

I thought so as well

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to losttreasure)

Post #: 18

RE: Sexual Inhibition - 11/11/2006 1:55:43 PM

Padriag

Posts: 2633
Joined: 3/30/2005
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Here's my advice. First, pay careful attention to what KoM said. What he said is both true and sensible.

quote:

ORIGINAL: niatiika

The Mistress was totally understanding and was not angered or annoyed. i know that if She decides to take me as Her sub, She will address this matter.

Second bit is about the above statement in particular. Should this person become your mistress, she'll deal with your inhibitions in whatever way suits her. Since neither know her nor what she might choose, I wouldn't dream of presuming to tell you what you should do. The person you should be asking is her, not some anonymous forum of mixed opinions. Besides which, I also wouldn't deprive her of the pleasure of breaking down those inhibitions one by one. That is something some of us relish, others do not and again, not knowing her or her proclivities...

In short, its admirable you want to please. It would be wise to find out from her how you can best be pleasing to her. That's something only she can answer.

_____________________________

Padriag

A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

(in reply to niatiika)

Post #: 19

RE: Sexual Inhibition - 11/11/2006 2:29:20 PM

Morrigel

Posts: 492
Joined: 10/13/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists
Everyone I read was stuck the idea of trying to help her over an apparent sexual inhibition... well just so happens... that sometimes the sexual inhibition is very much what is in order!

*shrug* Everyone is responding to the OP's obvious personal distress and her desire to feel/be something other than inhibited. This issue is not about us deciding what she should feel, and when, and with whom; she had already decided what she wanted to feel, and when, and with whom. This was the point at which she found a deeply distressing obstacle in her path, which she has asked for help in removing. She obviously knows exactly what she wants and is highly motivated, or she wouldn't be looking for books and advice on the subject.

Not really sure how it is helpful for people to try and reinforce the problem, or inflict some kind of sexual shame on her because she wants to be able to give up inhibition and achieve something better and greater--personal choice.

--M

< Message edited by Morrigel -- 11/11/2006 2:32:56 PM >

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 20

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