Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

RE: It isn't necessarily .dark. and it doesn't have to be painful


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: It isn't necessarily .dark. and it doesn't have to be painful Page: <<   < prev  1 2 [3]
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
RE: It isn't necessarily .dark. and it doesn't have to ... - 8/30/2008 7:55:20 AM   
Leatherist


Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline 		I never go to events where I meet retards like that. I just happily attend the occasional proivate parties where I know everyone will behave like an adult. It's nice to have that sort of control.

_____________________________

My shop is currently segueing into production mode.

I'm not taking custom orders.

(in reply to RCdc)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: It isn't necessarily .dark. and it doesn't have to ... - 8/30/2008 9:03:45 AM   
MadRabbit


Posts: 3460
Joined: 8/9/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527 
The comment was simply meant to say that if you're interest is more around how one can use an assymetric authority model to facilitate a life long, loving, mutually empowering relationship as opposed to the various details in BD or SM, then the BDSM community provides only distant overlap.


I'm right up there with you on that one. It's the primary reason I stopped being active in the local scene and I have a profile on solely Collarme.com as opposed to other sites like Alt.com. I just simply feel like I don't fit in and the local scene doesn't really have anything to offer me. Other dating websites tend to be populated by people mostly seeking to fulfill fetishes and kinks and view a "Dom" more in lines with a "Top" as someone in control of the context of a scene. Collarme.com certainly has that population as well, but I've had far more success here meeting potential partners for an intimate power based relationship then anywhere else.

I have my own kinks and sadistic desires and they tie into the fabric of my relationships, but the relationships themselves aren't based on engaging in such activities. They serve as a way to express that inequality in authority that serves as the foundation for the relationship itself. I do things because I enjoy them, but I am not nor ever have been on a mission to acquire and learn as much as I can about BD and SM, because they are really immaterial to this "thing" that I do. As much, a social organization where 90% of the interest is in such activities and 90% of the classes and seminars revolve around teaching such skills doesn't have a lot I can relate to.

I won't necessarily say that local scene has a lack of people who are into power based relationships, but rather that what one has to learn and what it takes to have such a relationship isn't something that can be taught in a class or seminar and the details of such a relationship aren't exactly as thrilling and interesting as discussing sexual kinks. As such, when people come out, they want to talk about "kink" and the classroom context is much better suited for education of technical skills then D/S and M/S relationship skills.





_____________________________

Advice for New Dominants
The Unpolitically Correct Lifestyle Definitions

Obama is NOT the Messiah! He's just a VERY NAUGHTY BOY

(in reply to leadership527)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: It isn't necessarily .dark. and it doesn't have to ... - 8/30/2008 9:07:59 AM   
daddysprop247


Posts: 1712
Joined: 6/24/2005
From: DC Metro area
Status: offline 		i don't think that this is about snuggles and kisses vs. whips and chains and leather. it is more about the difference between a lifestyle based around a power exchange (D/s) and a lifestyle which may or may not be based around a power exchange, but is heavily focused on S&M. i agree with leadership in that most of the public lifestyle functions, clubs, munches, etc., the majority of the people there are focued on BDSM activities, and not actual Dominance and submission. my Master and i are also not really practitioners of S&M, and we do not consider ourselves to be part of a BDSM community. Daddy does not have a toy bag, he wouldn't be caught dead in leather pants, we have never engaged in scening of any sort, subspace is a completely foreign concept to us, etc. sure he beats me. if he's had a tough day, or if i overcook the eggs or give him backtalk, i'm getting hit. and sure, we have a perverse and intense sexual life. He has me serve and used by other men often, he gives himself free reign to enact every dark and twisted sexual perversion that comes to his mind, with me. but for us, these things are not a part of "BDSM." they are a part of dominance, submission, slavery, and what we call "old school" ways. the truth is that we can't really relate to most of those who identify as "BDSM", and they can't relate to us. which is why when we interact with other lifestylers, it is with those who also focus on the power exchange and not so much the accessories.

sometimes you really can feel like a bit of an outsider, especially in large groups where you have a diverse group of lifestylers coming together. even on this board, it is rare that non-BDSM (scening, playing, leather, old guard, etc.) lifestyle topics are discussed.

(in reply to completenz)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: It isn't necessarily .dark. and it doesn't have to ... - 8/30/2008 10:57:49 AM   
WhiplashSmile2


Posts: 526
Joined: 6/11/2008
Status: offline 		I have to say this, a lot of people are simply blowing my mind on this a few other threads.

I'm simply amazed at how many people on here that are regular message board posters that don't indentify with the BDSM community or BDSM itself on the whole.

Yet, here we all are! :-)

I think MadRabbits accessment about Collarme compared to other sites, is pretty fair and accurate.

I myself have even questioned just how well I do or do not fit into BDSM at times.  However, where else is there for me?

Whenever, I have mentioned or posted any details about my DOM couple experience, I know how Vanilla sounding it might come off as being.  I realize there must be somebody out there, shaking their head at me saying to themselves "Fucking Vanilla, get off the boards and leave it to the real BDSMers".   There have been moments when I've posted things, knowing that somebody out there just really was not liking me.

Heck, I've even express having what I referred to as "Twisted Kinky Vanilla Relationships".  Where I used the word Vanilla intentionally, to openly admit that it was not a D/s relationship in it's purest form.  This way, I could express that the relationship was not D/s centric.  However, none the less.. I'm pretty Dominant when it comes to relationships.  Even when I try not to be. 

I remember when I first started using the Message Board here, I did not know if I'd be accepted or told to get lost, and be told off, or have people attack me a being some Vanilla Wanker.  If I had been greeted by this type of hositility, trust me, I would have probally got pissed off and never come back here again.

However, I found some people offering some very sound and serious advice, sharing some good honest thoughts and views.  People were very helpful.  Actually cleared up a few issues or questions I had on my mind.   All of which were great.   I decided to attempt to give in return for what I recieved.   I still learn news things or pick up on new ideas from others here.  In fact today, in another thread, I picked up on something I've never done before, nor thought about doing before.  It was amazingly simple.  Nothing complex about it.  However, it's something I value. 

I enjoy the fact people get to share, thoughts and experiences with one another here.

I'm still a little stunned at the number of people who feel, dare I use this expression as being "BDSM misfits".   However, I myself have felt this way at times.

(in reply to Leatherist)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: It isn't necessarily .dark. and it doesn't have to ... - 8/30/2008 11:17:35 AM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

Whiplash
I'm still a little stunned at the number of people who feel, dare I use this expression as being "BDSM misfits". 

Again, this is well aligned with what SimplyMichael speculated.  His thinking is that there are actually jillions of "me's".  But we dont' tend to linger around the scene because it doesn't offer much for us.  So, at least in his mind, we are the untold masses that nobody knows about just quietly doing WIITWD.  Nobody can find us.  Predictably, we come out to play a bit more on places like collarme since, fundamentally, it's still in our living rooms. 

I can't wait till he gets back in town.  This and a few other threads are going to need a few beers for he and I to discuss.

(in reply to WhiplashSmile2)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: It isn't necessarily .dark. and it doesn't have to ... - 8/30/2008 11:23:25 AM   
MzMia


Posts: 5333
Joined: 7/30/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: daddysprop247

i don't think that this is about snuggles and kisses vs. whips and chains and leather. it is more about the difference between a lifestyle based around a power exchange (D/s) and a lifestyle which may or may not be based around a power exchange, but is heavily focused on S&M. i agree with leadership in that most of the public lifestyle functions, clubs, munches, etc., the majority of the people there are focued on BDSM activities, and not actual Dominance and submission. my Master and i are also not really practitioners of S&M, and we do not consider ourselves to be part of a BDSM community. Daddy does not have a toy bag, he wouldn't be caught dead in leather pants, we have never engaged in scening of any sort, subspace is a completely foreign concept to us, etc. sure he beats me. if he's had a tough day, or if i overcook the eggs or give him backtalk, i'm getting hit. and sure, we have a perverse and intense sexual life. He has me serve and used by other men often, he gives himself free reign to enact every dark and twisted sexual perversion that comes to his mind, with me. but for us, these things are not a part of "BDSM." they are a part of dominance, submission, slavery, and what we call "old school" ways. the truth is that we can't really relate to most of those who identify as "BDSM", and they can't relate to us. which is why when we interact with other lifestylers, it is with those who also focus on the power exchange and not so much the accessories.

sometimes you really can feel like a bit of an outsider, especially in large groups where you have a diverse group of lifestylers coming together. even on this board, it is rare that non-BDSM (scening, playing, leather, old guard, etc.) lifestyle topics are discussed.



I adore your posts.
Call me another daddysprop fan.
You explain your personal relationship dynamics so well.

There is a big difference between living the life and being a weekend warrior or playing
in the lifestyle when you can make the time.

I seek a long term lifetime partnership, with someone that desires to actually live this lifestyle.
If I passed you and your daddy on the street, you would blend in with everyone else.
You have no reason to come out, you are living your life!
  There are very few that can and are willing to LIVE this life. 

< Message edited by MzMia -- 8/30/2008 11:35:01 AM >

_____________________________

Namaste'
To Each His/Her Own
"DENIAL ain't just a river in Egypt." Mark Twain


What's your favorite fetish?
"My partner's whisper"--bloomswell

(in reply to daddysprop247)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: It isn't necessarily .dark. and it doesn't have to ... - 8/30/2008 11:31:27 AM   
ExSteelAgain


Posts: 1803
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Georgia
Status: offline 		It’s like a fluorescent light lit room with a long table full of covered dishes and pies brought by everyone around hugs and kisses. Aunt Bee probably says a word or two before she gets naked and Andy whips her. I don’t get the darkness.

I carefully explain what I do, how she may react and how she is going to feel afterwards.

Much later, millions of years, I will take her into the dark place when she is ready.

_____________________________

You can paint a cinder block bright pastel pink, but it's still a cinder block. (By Me.)

(in reply to RCdc)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: It isn't necessarily .dark. and it doesn't have to ... - 8/30/2008 12:59:41 PM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline 		I don't believe workshops etc have a bearing on this because when you attend a workshop, you aren't there to be just social, you are there to also learn and watch.  Munches on the other hand are social participation, it's a completely different kettle of fish.  People don't traditionally attend workshops until they have reached the point where they have started socialising, so by that time, they are already past the stage where they feel like an outsider or different to other people.  I do value your input and I apologise if this came across as though I did not.
 
I don't believe it is good being critical and infringing on peoples right to practise anything I as an individual might deem as 'unsafe' - what they want to do to themselves is their decision.  But I do believe it is up to individuals to say, no thats not for me and not the way I like to do things instead of just nodding and go, hmmmm... lovely.  I also think it is healthy to question bravado.  But if you cannot do it with sincerity, you risk becoming that which we are discussing now.
 
quote:

Sometimes, it's not a respect issue.  Sometimes it's a fear issue.  I've seen "well respected" people royally fuck up during play, repeatedly, and because of the difference in the way they are viewed comapred to I, I say nothing.  I've held back from critiquing "regulars" during scenes on request of the management, and not had the guts to say, "erm that's a dangerous policy" and "you really can't cane him like that".  These are things *I* have done, and so, I'm guessing other people may have done similar things.  It is not that I respect the regulars, or the management, that makes me bite my tongue, and it's not that I respect the guy who's shown he's not safe more than once, it's that I fear the way other people will respond to me if I call BS.  (I guess you could say, perhaps if others respected me more, I wouldn't be so afraid.  But then, if others respected *them* less, I'd also be less afriad.  I fear I am going to talk myself in circles now.)

 
Interfering with scenes in a public setting I am wary about.  I have always found the best responses come when I have simply walked away.  I am not afraid of being judged so I guess I am not afraid of judging.  If you are watching a scene that seems unsafe or badly played out, the longer you watch and give your support, the longer it goes on.  And then when someone asks if you have seen it, you state why you left it behind (similar to the way you and I just discussed the pet demo).  Honestly, if people can't take it - that is their tough shit - I am not here to belong to a lifestyle or community, I am here only for friends and in that, friends I can rely on and trust - calling me on my bullshit and telling it as it is when I deserve it.  If you are afraid of speaking up because you might be less respected than frankly, I would question your peer group.  Ideally, no group or social setting should make you feel unable to voice an opinion.  Of course the is always a hierarchy in any group, but to have such a fear as being unable to represent your point of view because you may not be as respected as another is inherently wrong.
 
If you couldn't come to me in a social setting and voice a concern, I would have failed you, particularly if I was in a place of 'authority' say as a munch co-ordinator or DM. Whether you were deemed right or wrong, you should have the oppotunity to speak up without being made to feel inadequate.
 
Obviously we have never met socially, and I have no idea on your own self esteem issues, so as well as questioning the peer group you are involved in, I would also take a good hard look at why you allow the fear to engage you.  Ultimately we are responsible for how we react to things and who we allow into our lives.
 
the.dark.

< Message edited by Darcyandthedark -- 8/30/2008 1:03:28 PM >

_____________________________
RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to IvyMorgan)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: It isn't necessarily .dark. and it doesn't have to ... - 8/30/2008 1:19:09 PM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sundowner 
So sex is not my thing (in the sense of intercourse - but bdsm play is of course intensely erotic and sexual) and - at present - a deep one on one loving relationship is not my thing. (Although the bs thing gets pretty close; we've agreed we will not be in love with each other, but we hate being apart and I'd die for the girl; in a shallow sort of way.    You'll see). 


I am gagging (is that a good phrase?) in anticipation of said meeting! 

quote:

(Respect is important though - you didn't mention that. And important to either a lasting or a shallow relationship or play).
 
Hmmmm... I don't know, I think I will have to come back to you about that.  I am pretty cool with the wholetrust aspect, I have weird ideas about respect though.
 
the.dark.

_____________________________
RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to Sundowner)
Profile   Post #: 49
Page:   <<   < prev  1 2 [3]
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: It isn't necessarily .dark. and it doesn't have to be painful Page: <<   < prev  1 2 [3]
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.078