Aswad
Posts: 9374
Joined: 4/4/2007
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quote:
ORIGINAL: MadRabbit
Hypothetically, what if someone had sexual fantasies revolving around animals and pedophilia? How easy would those be to share and put into words?
Leaving aside jokes about Catholic priests...
The former fantasy is very common, some studies citing 15% of all women having K9 fantasies, but that particular coupling isn't so extensively demonized. In any case, there are surprising amounts of that kind of material on people's PCs if you run a surprise audit, so in my experience, about 10-15% seems correct for both genders, without straying into any non-ToS specifics. Statistics will do for this.
The latter fantasy is something two people I know have admitted to me so far. I do not have a problem with people telling me that. It shows they trust me enough to disclose this information, or that they realize I'm open-minded enough to seperate their thoughts from their actions, or both. My bond with them is invariably stronger afterwards.
Statistically speaking, I should know a fair number of people who have not told me. I'm more worried about those. Not in the sense that they're like to act on it, just that it is something that most likely causes them a lot of trauma for no good reason. Prevalence estimates of an exclusive orientation run the gamut, with 10% seeming a recurring and also quite realistic figure. That number also excludes those who are only drawn to the biologically normal range of 14-24 that makes instinctively prefer (if you trust penile plethysmographs in randomized trials, at least). Fantasies tend to be more common that exclusive orientations.
In short, fantasies involving pre- and peripubescents are unlikely to be rare in any way.
A prominent member of the military around here hired two prostitutes to wrap him in a garbage bag and throw darts at him. No physical contact, no talking, no other activities at all. One of them later commented that it was like it was his first time with a woman, despite being happily married with children for decades. Imagine the kind of tension he must have built up for it to take that long for him to explore it. And, really, it's a pretty tame, albeit specific, fantasy.
So, really...
It's hard to come out with whatever you fear rejection for, especially before you have truly dealt with it yourself. If you have trouble with this, you should consider talking to a KAP, or at least PMing some of your fellow CMers. I know I'm happy to lend an ear (or, seeing as this is text, an eye) to people's problems. You get what you pay for, and perhaps a little extra, but your kinks and flaws are okay with me. Others probably feel the same.
With these things, if you can't bring yourself to go all the way and share everything with a partner, try probing them to see if they're okay with being told that there are things you want to share but are unable to at this point. If so, tell them what you're saying here, that you haven't come to terms with everything yourself, and find it hard to put it into words, as well as hard to deal with it. Reassure them that you want to share it all, and will do so when you're able to.
Usually, the way to go when one is reluctant to speak about such things, or has trouble dealing with it, is to go slow. Broach one topic at a time, working close to your comfort zone (and the comfort zone of your partner, since the point is to build mutual trust and openness). Gradually, you get more comfortable talking about it.
I remember I had quite a bit of slow going with nephandi over these things. There were things she didn't want to disclose, having been brought up with a very conservative view of sexuality, and there were were things I didn't want to disclose, thinking they would drive her off because of those views. In time, though, we came to find dozens of shared interests, and hundreds of shared fantasies, many of which would turn otherwise flexible people's hair white. We also found a smaller number of things we did not share, and learned that this isn't a problem in any way. And, yes, some of these are unethical. And, no, neither of us fears that the other will go out and do something unethical.
Bottom line, full disclosure is the best goal, IMO. Paths to it may vary.
_____________________________
"If God saw what any of us did that night, he didn't seem to mind.
From then on I knew: God doesn't make the world this way.
We do." -- Rorschack, Watchmen.
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RE: fantasies and when to keep quiet - 
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