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First meeting procedures - 4/5/2007 5:44:24 AM   
oceangem


Posts: 360
Joined: 2/9/2004
From: Mission, BC. Canada
Status: offline 		What makes a subs procedure wrong but a Doms procedure right


So this Member contacts me here, and what begins with emails goes to IM. He is local to me as in right across the river, we discuss a meeting so on...

The conversation goes something like this:
This dom hasnt had plans for playing cards confirmed yet, so may well be able to get together with u.
If i am able to see u, sir will call u no later than 7pm. U will then be given sirs address, and the time u are to arrive at my home. U will wear what i request u to wear. U will bring your favorite toy with u.
Upon arrival, u will have wrist/ankle cuffs, and a collar put on u. U will then be brought upstairs, where u will kneel before me. U will then do as i ask of u.
After doing as i ask of u, u will be offered a late dinner, if u desire to have dinner with sir.
If u are not ok with my request, let sir know, and u wont be called to get together

So i say in turn that i am not ready to accept your expectations of a first meeting. The first meeting should be a more relaxed time where we can get to know each other.

He says:
Thats fine. I was trying to make it work tonite. I simply dont work the way u have suggested. Therefore, i guess i will have to pass on meeting up with u. This dom has his procedure. Nobody has ever been dissapointed by it. i thot it sounded pretty exciting myself. U wudda been free to give my address to anyone u wanted. U have chosen to pass on it, so i guess that will be your loss. If u change your mind, let me know, otherwise all the best to u.
The Dom pool just got shallower in BC!



_____________________________

she gives a smile when the pain comes... the pain is gonna make everything alright.

Profile   Post #: 1
RE: First meeting procedures - 4/5/2007 5:49:09 AM   
marieToo


Posts: 3595
Joined: 5/21/2006
From: Jersey
Status: offline 		I'm curious;  how long have you been speaking with this man?  And what type of feeling do you have about your safety? 

_____________________________

marie.


I give good agita.









(in reply to oceangem)
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RE: First meeting procedures - 4/5/2007 5:56:44 AM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		tell all concerned that this master will require some spelling procedure before he allows anyone involved in this to meet.


Horace Mann


_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


(in reply to oceangem)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: First meeting procedures - 4/5/2007 6:20:51 AM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		Oh please. He wants you to feel badly because: You passed (good girl!) on the "chance-of-a-lifetime" to meet someone who IMO, wanted a quickie scene w/you, while by-passing any opportunity to get to know you better as a person first, and make you feel safe in the process.

A Dominant's main job (or one of them anyway) is to make a submissive feel safe. Maybe especially in a first meeting. He doesn't care about that, obviously. He's a (dare I say the word) "fake"...There. I said it. Muhahahahaha. He sounds lazy, too. I mean, geez, can he fit you into his oh-so-hectic social schedule, in-between his card games, for a first date? I'd feel oh-so special, if I were you...that he even made the time for you (sarcasm intended). What a pefect gentleman.

Be glad you passed this "golden chance" by. You will have other opportunities. He may well feel he is in the right. But so what? He hasn't got you, has he? No.

- Susan 

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 4/5/2007 6:39:29 AM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to mnottertail)
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RE: First meeting procedures - 4/5/2007 6:28:32 AM   
MstrTiger


Posts: 417
Joined: 1/14/2006
From: UK
Status: offline
I think him requiring you to be put into bondage of a first meeting is unacceptable he is right that you could give his address to anyone though it is unusual for someone not wanting to meet in a more public place. I think he is lying where he says nobody has ever been disappointed by his procedure what he is asking you to do is not the usual way of going about a first meeting. I think you will just have to accept the fact that you are not compatible with him and move on.

(in reply to mnottertail)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: First meeting procedures - 4/5/2007 6:33:19 AM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		I agree the bondage thing sounds risky, considering you've never met. He should have known better than to expect that of you, too, I'd think.

Not to mention he didn't bother to explain what "you will then do what I ask of you" means (and he should have, IMO). He could be a total psychopath, and he sure didn't seem to do much to dissuade you of that impression, due to his lack of information detail. Therefore, he also sounds a wee bit dim. And who needs a stupid Dominant?  

Not your fault. On to bigger and better things for you.

- Susan 

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 4/5/2007 6:46:49 AM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to MstrTiger)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: First meeting procedures - 4/5/2007 7:10:16 AM   
onestandingstill


Posts: 1335
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline 		I've heard this circumstance offered to me repeatedly too.
I will not go to a man I've never met's home.
Who's to say you won't get there, it's someone elses home, and there's 4 guys there waiting to pounce on you and make sure you never make it home.
If someone killed you & did it in a friends home who'd ever know but the two of them?
I say it's my first job as a sub to protect this property of myself till I have a Master.
Risking my life for sex or kinky exchanges is not a thing I'm willing to do like that.
If he's not willing to meet you in public for a cup of coffee or at a park to talk or something at minimum then I wouldn't give him a second thought.
I know it's disappointing when you see someone you like that sends you red flags by their selfish or immature actions.
I'd have wrote back This sub thinks you should not require a scene the first time we meet, this sub thinks to ask her to come to you home alone sight unseen  is not a safe option for her & good luck finding a sub who values scening or sex more then her physical health and life.

It's just not worth the risk to me even if indeed I thought this guy was my one & I knew others in the community that knew him well and respected him.

(in reply to oceangem)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: First meeting procedures - 4/5/2007 7:14:07 AM   
spankmepink11


Posts: 1310
Joined: 9/28/2005
Status: offline 		Thats a great topic/question oceangem.
I think the amount of time you've been interacting with this person is pertinent as well.    My first D/s experience was quite similar to what you described, but i had been  getting to know this person  for 3 or 4 months before hand.....daily contact on the internet, and frequent  phone calls.  He even supplied me with his SS and DL numbers without my asking for them. 
They key is....through our interactions, trust was established, so aside from a severe case of "butterflies" and high anticipation, i had no fear for my safety.  The person in question turned out to be inappropriate for me on a long term basis, but i spent a happy weekend as a service slut, fuck toy and it remains a wonderful memory.
 I should add that meetings such as those are the exception.  99% of the time...a first meet  for me is brief and non BDSM related. And i generally believe thats a good policy.

PS.    his referring to himself in the third person like that kind of creeped me out...lol
PSS...nice profile...hope  you enjoy yourself here

< Message edited by spankmepink11 -- 4/5/2007 7:35:36 AM >

(in reply to mnottertail)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: First meeting procedures - 4/5/2007 7:15:34 AM   
sambamanslilgirl


Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline 		not only that but what if he allowed his guests to watch and participate during the bondage session too. not an ideal and safe place for a first meeting. glad you dumped the wanker before meeting him.

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...2011 - year of the fabulous rock star life ...and i do it so well...


...announcing Mr. & Mrs. British Petrol ...yeah, marrying into oil is slick business...

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: First meeting procedures - 4/5/2007 7:17:28 AM   
toservez


Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
Status: offline 		First meetings are mutually agreed to events. In fact until you agree to give an agreed amount of power over you have every right to make yes and no statements.

To me what you describe is just someone lost in fantasy and not interested in a reality based relationship. It is the cheap stunt to try to put somebody on the defensive, to make themselves the more important of the two of you. That is not dominant behavior or rules but a person with issues.

Not saying some people meet that way but obviously it always takes two to tango. Absolute orders to a person you have never met is foolish, do not read anything into this as some sort of gross generalization that when meeting a Dom they have all the control. It can be really great if they lead in this way but in a reality based way and they are not mutually exclusive.



_____________________________

I am sorry I do not fit Webster's defintion of a slave but thankfully my Master is not Webster.

"Anything that contradicts experience and logic should be abandoned." - H.H. The 14th Dalai Lama

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: First meeting procedures - 4/5/2007 7:18:10 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Anyone is allowed to have any procedures their dear little hearts desire.

And anyone is allowed to say "no thanks" to those procedures.

Trust me, that procedure is a first meetings heaven on earth for more than a handful of subs around here.

Take what works for you and leave the rest.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to sambamanslilgirl)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: First meeting procedures - 4/5/2007 7:22:35 AM   
Dnomyar


Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline 		mnottertail my spel check werent working. I shuld have ordered hur to spel check it 4 me. Sorey my misstake. oceangem just laugh it off. The sad thing is that he will probably be back.

(in reply to sambamanslilgirl)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: First meeting procedures - 4/5/2007 7:26:05 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14449
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		Someone obviously is agreeing to it.....otherwise he would have already given up that tactic.

I agree with LA. While personally, I would have told him to fuck off. I have friends that would willingly and happily do that and come out smiling afterwards. I will point out however, that those friends are not looking for a relationship and are perfectly happy playing for one night.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: First meeting procedures - 4/5/2007 7:31:10 AM   
vield


Posts: 354
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		No one's procedure is automatically right for anyone but themself, oceangem.

No one attempting to push you into things you are not ready for (at least with them) has your best interest at heart.

Safe calls and public meeting places have saved lives from bad predators.

The Most Domliest of Notes you showed leads me to believe the domguy could not meet you at a bar because he is not old enough to get in.

I have seen messages like this many times, sent to submissive friends by horny guys who decided maybe this was a way to finally get laid.

Sometimes the sender even forgets to ask the gender of the screen name they are trying to pick up, and is coming on to someone they really do not want to be with.

LOL I think it is likely true that "Nobody has ever been dissapointed by it." This reminds me of the idiot I know who boasts that once HE finds a sub worthy of him he'll show everyone how a real dom works things. Like your person, I figure his subs have all been in his dreams.

Thank you much for sharing, this gave me some chuckles!


_____________________________

As always, your mileage may vary!

vield

(in reply to oceangem)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: First meeting procedures - 4/5/2007 7:36:11 AM   
amuzingtoyou


Posts: 144
Joined: 6/27/2006
Status: offline 		Oceangem,

There is no right and wrong here, just preferences. Your and his didn't match up. So you did the best thing and passed on his offer. As LA said, there is going to be someone who thinks his procedure is wonderful and would jump at the chance. But thats not who you are. So chalk it up as learning experience. You have every right to turn down any procedure for a first meeting that you don't feel comfy with.

missi

(in reply to oceangem)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: First meeting procedures - 4/5/2007 7:40:25 AM   
CrazyC


Posts: 949
Joined: 9/28/2006
Status: offline 		I had a conversation like this yesterday. This dom decided a last minute meetup would be nice. It would have been if my whole day wasn't already booked with appt. I then said maybe we can meet up later. So he asked if i would like to do a "look in his black bag" get together. I enformed him that i wasn't comfortable with doing that since we have never met.

The diffrence of the two situations....he said i was being reasonable and respected my choice. He did mention that it wasn't a normal behaviour that he had ever come across.  

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"You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back." Barbara De Angelis

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: First meeting procedures - 4/5/2007 8:30:21 AM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		He sounds like a twit to me. 
As far as safety, I am among those oddities who have played, and even been cuffed on a first meeting.  But good grief, this "dom" sounds more like he is looking for a little boredom relief between things he really enjoys doing. 
I base my decision on actual play, only once I have met someone (even that takes some finesse), and find them to be worthwhile.  It would never be based on some internet chat where they try to impress me with their domliness.  And there is no way in heck I would choose to meet someone like that little interdum.  I doubt there is much blood is rushing to either head.
Kyst

_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley


(in reply to oceangem)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: First meeting procedures - 4/5/2007 9:40:21 AM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		I keep thinking of that line someone I know said last year: "The person matters more than the damn role." I agree.
To each his or her own, but IMO -

A date is still a date, whether it is a bdsm-oriented first date, or not. There are more than a few folks floating around, who seem to think that "roles" replace getting to know anyone as a person, before almost immediately making demands, or acceding to them.

Maybe I am old-fashioned, but sometimes I find myself wondering, when I read some threads:
What ever happened to good manners? Would someone ever dream of treating a "vanilla" date this way? (Maybe so, sad to say).

If not, then why would anyone treat a first meet with a prospective bdsm partner this way? I mean, he did offer to take her to dinner, but it only partly makes up, IMO for his overall lack of concern for her feelings.

He sounds like a "do me" Dom (aka in the "vanilla" world as someone who simply wants a "booty call".)

- Susan  

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 4/5/2007 10:00:26 AM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to Missokyst)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: First meeting procedures - 4/5/2007 9:46:12 AM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

What makes a subs procedure wrong but a Doms procedure right

Well...ummm...the Dom?

/grins

seriously though, if it is a procedure that you are not comfortable with, then its obvious that you are not compatible...no right, no wrong; just a different fit

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If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.


(in reply to oceangem)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: First meeting procedures - 4/5/2007 10:16:10 AM   
Viridana


Posts: 754
Status: offline 		hahaha I once got a similar email under similar circumstances. I sent him back a big fat "LOL" and best wishes of health and happiness in life. 

(in reply to IrishMist)
Profile   Post #: 20
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