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RE: Freak out - 1/10/2007 8:25:17 AM   
junecleaver


Posts: 1145
Joined: 4/6/2005
Status: offline 		This happened around 4 in the morning because my mother leaves the house very early for work.  I told her that I didn't know what she was talking about and I wasn't going to discuss it right now. I don't want to give details, but I cannot stomach the thought of lying to my mother. 
quote:

ORIGINAL: MissyraneI'm 20 I live at home, I can't wait to get out BUT I simply don't have the money to do so since the damn university I'm at is so friggin expensive and I wouldn't handle having to work too
 Paying for school sucks. =(  I very seriously doubt I could afford to live on my own, even with roommates. 
quote:

ORIGINAL: onestandingstill]What I'd say is just like your Mom still loved and accepted you when she knew you started having sex, she's got to be given the chance to process this new BDSM stuff that concerns her too.
Often the things you're so sure your parents will hate you, be mad at you, or be disappointed over are not really that way once you tell them.
If you have a good relationship with her the only right choice is to get it out in the open and give your mom a chance.
 I haven't had sex.  I'm a virgin.  I have strong feelings regarding this, of which my mother is well aware.  I'm not sure she can process that I've been beaten, but not fucked.  I don't know if she'd even believe me honestly because she is always scared I'm having sex or being raped despite how strongly I want to wait for marriage.  I'm not even sure which would disappoint her more, thinking that I had just given it up to some horny persistent teenager in the back of the car or accepting that I'm into BDSM. 
quote:

ORIGINAL: luckyalbatross]I had to train my mother over a few years to simply accept that I wasn't going to make the choices she wanted me to make, or choices she didn't really understand.  It DOES help a lot more if you are an independent adult, but I understand that's a slow process and it might not be time for that.  Sometimes I had to directly defy her wishes- not an easy thing for a youngster used to being the "baby" of the family.

You have to start having conversations with her as an adult, not her little girl.  That's going to be very hard for both of you to change, but it is very necessary. 
 I think having conversations with her as an adult would probably be helpful.   Not to hijack a thread I started myself, but how did you train her to accept that?  Was it through conversation?  Drawing boundaries?  Etc etc  I appreciate all the responses and I've been given a lot to think over.  Thanks guys.

< Message edited by junecleaver -- 1/10/2007 8:26:50 AM >

_____________________________


"No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there's too much fraternizing with the enemy. "
--Henry A. Kissinger

(in reply to onestandingstill)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Freak out - 1/10/2007 8:35:28 AM   
dvart


Posts: 110
Joined: 10/26/2006
Status: offline 		I would go along with what other people have said but I wanted to explore the context a bit. You say in your profile :-

"I am spiritual and it affects my perspective and many aspects of my life.  I am a Christian.  I am a virgin.  I am remaining a virgin until I'm married.  Ideally, I would like to belong to one man permanently.  So look at it as protecting his property until he finds it."

This means that your social attitudes and by implication those of your mother are extremely conservative. If this is true, then it is asking a lot for your mother to be able to make a distinction between domestic violence and s&m. Living at home does imply some limits on your freedom of action and you have hit one. I just wonder if the incident with you mother was quite as accidental as you make it out to be. I would urge you to think about this. Getting your own place would give you freedom, but freedom can be frightening.

There is a Christian BDSM group, maybe they can help you sort things out with your mother.

On a personal level I would find the idea of embarking on a vanilla marriage, let alone a BDSM one without any sexual experience an appalling idea, but of course it is your choice. I find a conflict and confusion between your very conservative social values and D/s, but of course many people would disagree with me.

Hope very much you can find a solution, good luck!

(in reply to onestandingstill)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Freak out - 1/10/2007 8:54:19 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: junecleaver
I think having conversations with her as an adult would probably be helpful.   Not to hijack a thread I started myself, but how did you train her to accept that?  Was it through conversation?  Drawing boundaries?  Etc etc


That and more.

I will emphasize that TIME is your best friend and worst enemy here.  Time is what will give you the skills you need to do this, time will allow your mother to mellow, time will allow you to prove yourself as a mature adult.  There’s simply no other way to get there but to get there.

You must set your boundaries, but make them about the important things.  When my mother made a huge fuss over me wearing panties to a party over a sarong, I tried to talk her down about it, but then just gave up.  It wasn’t worth the fight, and once I got to the party, I got naked and had a great time.  What would I could as important?  Your personal life time- date nights, party nights, being able to go out and stay over for a night wherever you want.  Basically, you being in control of your time and place.

This doesn’t even mean you need a car.  I didn’t have one until I moved to NJ.  It means you both need to know that you will go out when you decide to go out and will stay in when you want to stay in.  This requires some responsibility on your part- forewarning, checking in and coming home safe are all vital at this stage to prove that you still love them and realize that you owe them a measure of communication.

You can also be ok with making a sacrifice every so often to make a special date with your mom to reinforce this as well.  This whole process, I found, was establishing yourself as your own person, while also reinforcing that you would still be there for them and needed them in your own life.

Try not to lie as much as possible.  When I went to NC to be with my owner during vacations, I told my mom where I would be, a number to call, and kept in regular contact with her.  I DID lie about who I was with, I DID lie about some of the things we did.  It really was what I felt was best at the time, and it did often rip me up inside. 

Be responsible.  If you don’t have a part time job already, get one- ANY job.  Since you aren’t living on campus, you need some specific way of showing that you are in the adult world, and earning some form of income.  I’d even suggest using that income to pay rent.  Do all your own chores and laundry without being asked.  You’re establishing yourself as an independent adult while living at home- not an easy thing to do.  If you have money left over, buy your own groceries.  Try to own your own cellphone. 

Keep listening to your mother.  Even if you know completely at every moment that you won’t do anything she is saying and that she’s only talking out of fear and ignorance- listen to her completely and respond warmly.  She really is just scared and needs you to let her know it’s ok and that you are a big girl now. 

I don’t know really how suspicious or invasive your mother will get.  I don’t know how vindictive she may get in her attempts to “protect you.”  But you can show her that you’re a responsible person, show her that you still love her and that she’s done a good job with you, and show her that you’re going to decide for yourself what your life will be.

There should always be an underlying current that SHE needs to accept YOU.  It should be subtle, it should be constant, and never waiver.  You accept her rules of the house, she accepts your chosen life for yourself.

And for heaven’s sake, don’t apologize for making your choices (though you can apologize for them hurting her feelings), and don’t get defensive.


_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to junecleaver)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Freak out - 1/10/2007 8:55:35 AM   
farglebargle


Posts: 10715
Joined: 6/15/2005
From: Albany, NY
Status: offline
quote:

So does anyone have some calm, rational explanation I can give her?


I've always found that the truth is the best alternative.

You never need to keep your story straight.



_____________________________

It's not every generation that gets to watch a civilization fall. Looks like we're in for a hell of a show.

ברוך אתה, אדוני אלוקינו, ריבון העולמים, מי יוצר צמחים ריחניים

(in reply to junecleaver)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Freak out - 1/10/2007 9:39:53 AM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		Haven't you young ones ever thought of getting a doorknob that locks?  They are easy to put on, save a lot of embarrassment down the line.  And you can have your privacy even though you live with parents.
As for telling your parents what you do, as a parent, I want my kids safe but I do NOT want to know what they are doing sexually.
In somethings you just have to accept your child has become an adult, and respect them as such.
If I were pressed to tell my family why I had bruising, I might take the brutal tact and tell them it was rough passionate sex... do they really want to hear the details?
Most parents would not.
Kyst


_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley


(in reply to MissyRane)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Freak out - 1/10/2007 11:04:39 AM   
mgdartist


Posts: 328
Joined: 5/13/2006
From: irving tx
Status: offline 		Try to be proud of what you are. Once you accomplish that, it doesnt matter what anyone, including mom thinks. It may cause friction initially, but in the long run, its best. Everyone around me knows of my deviance, and people I meet are soon to find out. Perhaps you're more sensitive or vulnerable as a submissive, but really, it just takes perhaps a little more explaining, as being submissive is in reality indicative of a beautiful, giving, caring, serving obedient mind. There will always be extenuating circumstances for those like you, and even me, so you arent to be judged for concealing your submissiveness under certain conditions, especially in the workplace.
Personally, bruising isn't something I'll do, and when accidental or unintentional, leaves me with regret. Ive learned thats a bit light for some, but to me, they are much like a hickie; reflecting too much zeal and passion, but then quite inconvenient.
Bottom line, you likely can't change, and must go through your life, and be who you are. So my comments are for your consideration and long-term benefit only, and you may be surprised with just who is accepting and who isn't. For me, it always comes down to my personal code:

"Who the fuck are they, that I should have to lie to them?"
Yeah, I know, lol  I told my parents too. Like yours, very religious.
But it did seem as if they both were somewhat aware that their part in my development played as big a role as anything else. You have nothing whatsoever to fear or feel shame for. Especially from them.

MGD

< Message edited by mgdartist -- 1/10/2007 11:08:15 AM >

_____________________________



(in reply to mbes)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Freak out - 1/10/2007 11:06:06 AM   
Fawne


Posts: 462
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

Tell them a priest did it to you.
   pfffft...giggle
 
Seriously, you do need to be careful not to jeopardize your schooling, home, anything.  Can feel for you and your situation.

While some of us can't relate to the situation - a family so ultra conservative, so strict - where a girl, especially has little power ( a slave?) - where the parents don't respect or trust her judgement or needs and identity -- yet she needs them in order to finish college and get on her feet. Plus - she loves them and KNOWS they will not understand.

(I don't have a background like that. Well, my folks are kind of old school, but not to that degree. I moved out at age 19.)

It is like being gay. Try coming out to an ultra conservative Christian - burn in hell - get out from under my roof- you sinner- slut- not my daughter - shunned- type of deal.... and I apologize if I am exagerating, but c'mon some people DO react explosively to anything that challanges their own, narrow beliefs. Right?
Not right - correct? 

I am sorry to say, june,  I don't think your parents - especially your father can accept your truth.

Protect yourself. I hate to say it and I myself would feel sick if I had to do it - LIE.
For the time being. Say you fell down the stairs.
If they will allow, get a lock on your door. Whatever it takes, whatever you need.

Of course honesty is (usually) best. In this case - I am so sorry, I don't think they will understand. You need an education, a roof over your head and you do love your family.
Protect all of the above. My advice and I am sorry, if it offends anyone.

June, all I can say is : be well and do what you think is right.

Fawne 



 
 

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Freak out - 1/10/2007 11:55:36 AM   
Celeste43


Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline 		It is almost impossible to put someone in a mental hospital or therapy without their consent. Requires proving that you are an immediate danger to yourself or someone else. Also requires court approval and you would get a lawyer to protect yourself.

All you have to say if she does drag you into a doctor's office is that you enjoy rough sex and you had a really great time, and then ask for a blood test to see if you're anemic because you didn't do anything much to cause that much bruising.

In general, your mother may prefer to never talk to you again if you insist on acting like an adult. That's her right but most parents prefer to have relationships with their children. If your mother can't see you as anything other than a robot she can program, you could benefit with some time without the relationship.

However, her house, her rules. Her way or the highway. Just be sure you are ready to hit the road if that's what she demands. Start calling friends to see if someone needs a roommate, leave the classifieds open with possible apartments circled, and see if she really wants you out that badly.

(in reply to mbes)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Freak out - 1/10/2007 12:57:55 PM   
Sirandlittle1


Posts: 538
Joined: 12/22/2005
Status: offline 		How about,
"mum, im a adult, im know what im doing, please keep your nose out of my love life."
If she cannot respect your right to privacy, then you have a choice, live under her roof, by her rules, or be a adult, and move out of your parental home, where no adult should be.

quote:

ORIGINAL: junecleaver

I am about to freak out. I still live with my mother.  I have bruises from my last scene across my ass.  I was sleeping in these little shorts that are apparently more revealing than I realized.  She walked into my room and because of the way I was covered up I guess my ass was exposed.  As I was sleeping she saw the bruising.  I recently told her about this relationship that just ended because I was somewhat torn up about it and I need to talk about the emotions everyone feels during times like that, but I didn't mention the kink aspect.  She was completely freaking out and saying she didn't trust me and that I need to explain and what have I been doing.   My entire family is extremely religious.  They would probably look at this as a mental disorder.  And I would never be trusted to leave the house or go on dates or in general enjoy my life. What should I tell her?  Everytime I try to think of some way of possibly introducing it, it sounds like I am just off my fucking rocker.  It makes me sick to have to lie about anything to my mom because for the most part we've always been extremely close. I don't know what to do.  I'm scared she'll kick me out or admit me to a mental hospital or make me feel like the worst person in the world. So does anyone have some calm, rational explanation I can give her?  Something that doesn't make me seem like a sick freak?

(in reply to junecleaver)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Freak out - 1/10/2007 3:42:09 PM   
LTRsubNW


Posts: 1604
Joined: 5/6/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: junecleaver

I am about to freak out. I still live with my mother.  I have bruises from my last scene across my ass.  I was sleeping in these little shorts that are apparently more revealing than I realized.  She walked into my room and because of the way I was covered up I guess my ass was exposed.  As I was sleeping she saw the bruising.  I recently told her about this relationship that just ended because I was somewhat torn up about it and I need to talk about the emotions everyone feels during times like that, but I didn't mention the kink aspect.  She was completely freaking out and saying she didn't trust me and that I need to explain and what have I been doing.   My entire family is extremely religious.  They would probably look at this as a mental disorder.  And I would never be trusted to leave the house or go on dates or in general enjoy my life. What should I tell her?  Everytime I try to think of some way of possibly introducing it, it sounds like I am just off my fucking rocker.  It makes me sick to have to lie about anything to my mom because for the most part we've always been extremely close. I don't know what to do.  I'm scared she'll kick me out or admit me to a mental hospital or make me feel like the worst person in the world. So does anyone have some calm, rational explanation I can give her?  Something that doesn't make me seem like a sick freak?


Honey, here's my advice.

You say your Mom is extremely religious (I presume that from "my entire family is...").

Tell her the bruises on your ass are "Stigmata".

Soon everyone in your family will want to worship your ass.  If parlayed correctly, people from multiple countries will want to worship your ass.

I would venture that within 6 weeks, someone will want to sell your ass on Ebay for several thousand dollars and within a matter of weeks again, your ass will be on display for well over a half million bucks at the Hard Rock, in a Plexiglas case.

I have spoken.

_____________________________

Small deeds will always mean more than large intentions.

(in reply to junecleaver)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Freak out - 1/10/2007 3:47:04 PM   
dawntreader


Posts: 3045
Joined: 11/23/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LTRsubNW


Tell her the bruises on your ass are "Stigmata".

Soon everyone in your family will want to worship your ass.  If parlayed correctly, people from multiple countries will want to worship your ass.

I would venture that within 6 weeks, someone will want to sell your ass on Ebay for several thousand dollars and within a matter of weeks again, your ass will be on display for well over a half million bucks at the Hard Rock, in a Plexiglas case.

I have spoken.


LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!

_____________________________

It is choice - not chance - that determines our destiny~
Jean Nidetch

There is a war going on for your mind...if you are thinking, you are winning~
Flobots

(in reply to LTRsubNW)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Freak out - 1/10/2007 3:54:39 PM   
brat4u


Posts: 18
Joined: 7/10/2006
Status: offline 		One of my kids saw my ass after an extended play session, i told them i fell on my butt roller skating and i am naturally clumsy!  Did they buy it?  Who knows.  i looked in the mirror a couple days later and saw the image of the Virgin Mary!!!  LOL 

(in reply to dawntreader)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Freak out - 1/10/2007 4:01:23 PM   
whisperedsighs


Posts: 349
Joined: 11/12/2006
Status: offline 		Best way to handle this in my opinion is to be honest, but not overwelm her with details.

Whenever a doctor asks me about marks, I say simply, "I participate in consensual activities that sometimes leaves marks and or bruises."  Don't lie.  Lies only make things worse.  Don't over explain, sometimes too much information is worse then no information at all.  Keep calm and keep it simple. 

_____________________________

oh my god that was so wrong! .... again please!

(in reply to junecleaver)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Freak out - 1/10/2007 4:16:00 PM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline 		"When Someone You Love is Kinky" by Dossie Easton & Catherine Liszt

Buy a copy, read it, then give it to your mother to read or read it together.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to junecleaver)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Freak out - 1/10/2007 5:04:23 PM   
farglebargle


Posts: 10715
Joined: 6/15/2005
From: Albany, NY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: whisperedsighs

Best way to handle this in my opinion is to be honest, but not overwelm her with details.

Whenever a doctor asks me about marks, I say simply, "I participate in consensual activities that sometimes leaves marks and or bruises." Don't lie. Lies only make things worse. Don't over explain, sometimes too much information is worse then no information at all. Keep calm and keep it simple.


And don't worry, if your Medical Professional *hasn't* by some small chance seen it before, they're well trained not to giggle.



_____________________________

It's not every generation that gets to watch a civilization fall. Looks like we're in for a hell of a show.

ברוך אתה, אדוני אלוקינו, ריבון העולמים, מי יוצר צמחים ריחניים

(in reply to whisperedsighs)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Freak out - 1/10/2007 5:13:36 PM   
whisperedsighs


Posts: 349
Joined: 11/12/2006
Status: offline 		ROFLMAO

Last time I had to do this it was about the "w" that was cut into my hip.  She did giggle!

_____________________________

oh my god that was so wrong! .... again please!

(in reply to farglebargle)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Freak out - 1/10/2007 6:38:00 PM   
Fawne


Posts: 462
Status: offline 		Damn! I thought I was bad!

 But, you guys OMFG!

Very, very funny, clever crew - all. But - We don't know where the poor kid lives  - there may be few job options, under 21 is not legal to drink even- so where can she work? McDonalds? AND pay rent? And lose the hard work she has already put into college?
What is the future? What benefit to stand on a high horse right now?

I know people who were kicked out of the house as teens. 
For example - getting pregnant- so had to sleep on the floor of an already over crowded friends house, until the baby was born- then given up for adoption. My friend - never finished HS, couldn't pass the GED ( and she is not dumb at all) married a man at 18, and is now 40 - and has more children, who she loves and is a great mom, but is dependant ( no education, few job skills) and in a loveless marriage. **ALL because her mother didn't understand.

I, and many of the other silly, silly people likely do care... and wish the best of luck to you, juneclever,  in a touchy situation.    
** yeah, yeah. personal responsibility. True fact. Accountability - of course. But to chuck out so much - all because she wore short shorts with a bruised ass and the peeps are too strict? Gotta laugh, though. Yep. Life is tough. Sigh...
PS and my friend is getting her own life back as her kids are getting older..

< Message edited by Fawne -- 1/10/2007 7:06:58 PM >

(in reply to whisperedsighs)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Freak out - 1/10/2007 6:49:28 PM   
LotusSong


Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
Status: offline 		Reality time. If you are going to play adult games.. you have to handle the consequences like an adult.
 
Don't expect to run with the big dogs if you have to pee like a pup.

_____________________________

Life Lesson #1

I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.


(in reply to junecleaver)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Freak out - 1/10/2007 7:36:15 PM   
Devilslilsister


Posts: 1262
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline 		Personally i was just straight up with my mom.  She doesnt like it - but its my life and she can kiss my ass.  I'll do what i need to do for ME - not for her.  Cant live your life for your parents, eh?  Or you can do what i do.  Learn your mother, learn her well and know how to push a button when you need to - to send her in the direction you want her too.  I wasnt thinking one day and wore shorts that didnt come down to my knees.... i also have about 5 scars on my leg.  Stripes if you will.  She looked at them and asked me "did you do that" and i looked at her and said "what do you care?"  Shut her up right quick and changed the convo. 

Most of the time, our mothers dont want to talk about this stuff.  Mostly they'd rather ignore anything unpleasant.  So if you use that to your advantage and add abit of hostility it sends them flying out the door (or convo).  Sometimes i have found shock factor to work well too.  I'm sure if i had said "ayep i did, i took a knife and cut into my leg and i bleed all of my bathroom floor"  Course i was in a car with my mother at the time and generally when you shock em you might want to walk away instead of hang around and wait for them to find a reply. (though it can be fun to be there watching them feel clueless)

Just be confident.  You know what you're doing and it wont change whether she likes it or not.

Tho i wouldnt take my advice.. i'd take some one else's.  But it works for me


_____________________________

My ability to cope with BS is at an all time low - me

i may look like i'm doing nothing, but i'm very busy at a cellular level

(in reply to LotusSong)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Freak out - 1/10/2007 7:44:15 PM   
LTRsubNW


Posts: 1604
Joined: 5/6/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: thetammyjo

"When Someone You Love is Kinky" by Dossie Easton & Catherine Liszt

Buy a copy, read it, then give it to your mother to read or read it together.


(Yeah, but don't lose out on the fact...there's more potential cash in my plan).

_____________________________

Small deeds will always mean more than large intentions.

(in reply to thetammyjo)
Profile   Post #: 40
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