RE: How important is it to meet the submissives basic needs?

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RE: How important is it to meet the submissives basic n... - 1/4/2007 6:40:22 AM

justinasamerk

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Simplyangelic,

very interesting question, i must ask though is affection an actual need or a want??
If we strip it down to basic needs...Air, Water, Food, Sleep, Defication, Urination, "enviroment" (goes under the terms shelter, but there is a basic need for a stable enviroment for survival living instincts-can expand upon in private if anyone wishes). And even those can be somewhat controlled. Ultimately one's body will take over no matter how much of a slave one thinks they are, or how devoted they are to an Owner. (i can go onto a whole rant about just these needs-but thats good for another topic)
Is affection necessarily a need or a want. There are service submissives, similar to the idea of a maid or butler who do absolutely nothing intimate, affectionate, or sexual with there owner, yet serve proudly organizing the affairs ofthe owner.(there reward is different then affection) there is a story of a girl proudly owned by her Master, yet he has one rule..not to have sex with her because although she is drop dead gorgeous there dynamic she is a disgusting pig that is not fit for a man to look at her body or use it. She must wear sexy clothes and a corsette each day to accentuate her beautiful curvacious form but in there dynamic she is too ugly to be seen naked by him. (it works for them)

in my relation, a girl definately has the "need" of affection. Its a simple reward and the act of a simple touch by my owner no matter how big or small does send waves of pleasure throughout, its definately an energetic thing. Even simply being allowed to play my hand upon his thigh as i am kneeling at his feet, or driving beside him in the car.
as far as service expectation. It is in my book. As a sub/slave(i use slave interchangeably) it should be a required expectation that you serve, if not, then its a vanilla relationship with a little kink in the bedroom. For me service is not enough to satisfy my owners desires, but my own too...and he taught me. "Its not Master only...its Master FIRST!"

(in reply to simplyangelic1)

Post #: 21

RE: How important is it to meet the submissives basic n... - 1/4/2007 6:48:26 AM

missturbation

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In a D/s relationship, how important is it to make sure the submissive's need for affection are met?

I'm a little confused - the title of the thread talks about basic needs but the question inside is about affection.
If you meant 'basic needs' then i think it is very important. I dont think i could be of good service to my Dom / Master if my own basic ferral needs werent being met.
if you mean 'affection' then if affection is a basic need for the person in question its very important. Affection is a basic need for me but i am quite content with a pat on the head, a smile, to hear 'good girl'. it doesnt have to be a great public show off affection just simple, basic so i know i am pleasing him.

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Post #: 22

RE: How important is it to meet the submissives basic n... - 1/4/2007 6:50:33 AM

simplyangelic1

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Everyone has a need to be loved and appreciated. It is basic from the womb. As human beings we need to be valued. Both Dominants and submissives. Even the brain rattling tap on the head lets one know that she is cared for, what about an environment where even that gesture is void?

(in reply to justinasamerk)

Post #: 23

RE: How important is it to meet the submissives basic n... - 1/4/2007 6:53:26 AM

toservez

Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
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Basic needs must be met on some level for both the dominant and the submissive in order for a relationship to be healthy and certainly affection to most but not all is a basic need.

Now the trick is as with most things in human behavior is knowing the difference in yourself between a need and a want. I have found this thread very interesting to read as the main example being used of finding what you can live with and/or substituting something else to be great examples of a person doing just that.

When I was last owned I very much went through a cycle. I thought I needed a certain amount of affection but when that waned I was able to maintain my happiness and devotion by finding out I did not really need that level but as it continued to decrease it did reach a critical level that no amount of substitution could replace.

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(in reply to justinasamerk)

Post #: 24

RE: How important is it to meet the submissives basic n... - 1/4/2007 6:53:35 AM

MsLayla

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From: Sweden/Belgium
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quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie

I used to think I needed more affection than I do. I have since learned to become very satisfied with what he gives me, by understanding and trusting what he truly thinks of me overall, and by realizing his affection is his to give, not mine to demand. My Master is not a very affectionate man, so to want something from him that does not come naturally to him was unfair. I realized that to him, those big clunky pats on the head which rattles my brains IS affection. I started finding that absolutely endearing, and now I look up at him and giggle when he knocks my brains out, lol. Amazingly, just the pleased and proud look on his face and tone of his voice is affectionate enough now. However, in those times in life when I am feeling particularly frail, I will ask him, "Master, will you hold me please?" And more often than not, he will..

I used to think my version of affection was my need. I am now thrilled to receive his version of affection, how and when he gives it. And it seems the happier I am to receive it, the more I actually receive.

I think this was a very good input, and thought through. Bravo. I hope you're happy together.

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(in reply to ownedgirlie)

Post #: 25

RE: How important is it to meet the submissives basic n... - 1/4/2007 6:54:21 AM

Tikkiee

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Joined: 4/6/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: simplyangelic1

Everyone has a need to be loved and appreciated. It is basic from the womb. As human beings we need to be valued. Both Dominants and submissives. Even the brain rattling tap on the head lets one know that she is cared for, what about an environment where even that gesture is void?

Sorry, but not everyone is going to agree with this statement here. Personally, I don't NEED to be loved or appreciated by another; I can give that to myself. However, I sometimes WANT to be loved and appreciated by others. Huge difference.

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(in reply to simplyangelic1)

Post #: 26

RE: How important is it to meet the submissives basic n... - 1/4/2007 7:08:38 AM

justinasamerk

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Joined: 8/1/2006
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Simplyangelic,
this is a point where i think we both "want" to agree to disagree. I know its semantics, but there are various definitions of what a "want" is vs what a "need" is
and each will have there own opinion
You say everyone has the need to be "loved and appreciated"...i personally think that is probably a want developed after they first felt "loved and appreciated" at first. If a person has never been in love, had a boyfriend,had sex...do they necessarily want it?? or was it because of enviromental factors of how everyone portryed being in love and sex that caused this want or desire to experiment?
Single people can live there whole lives and never be with a partner, does that mean they are not having an enjoyable life?
at first i didn't need to be "loved" by my Sir, we didnt develope into a love relationship for quite some time. Knows that the first few months was about training,service and getting to know each other. Now..that is what i want and desire...
Tikkiee, i really believe you hit it on the nail when you said...
Sorry, but not everyone is going to agree with this statement here. Personally, I don't NEED to be loved or appreciated by another; I can give that to myself. However, I sometimes WANT to be loved and appreciated by others. Huge difference.
Sorry if this responsed seemed rather cold, not my intention. i think this thread is a very good question which is going to lead into some great conflicting opinions. I do enjoy hearing all side, not just the side of agreeance....Thank you so much....

(in reply to simplyangelic1)

Post #: 27

RE: How important is it to meet the submissives basic n... - 1/4/2007 7:14:51 AM

Aileen68

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At one point, not too long ago, I felt that I didn't need affection at all. I found out the hard way that it wasn't true for me. I'm now struggling to find a middle ground where I can have that need met without having it change the dynamics of the relationship. It's turning out to be a tough thing to do for me since it changes the basic requirements that I said that I needed going into the relationship and that info was a big part of the foundation of the relationship. I don't think any of that makes any sense, but I can't really explain it any clearer since it's still all jumbled up in my head.

(in reply to simplyangelic1)

Post #: 28

RE: How important is it to meet the submissives basic n... - 1/4/2007 7:16:03 AM

MasterFireMaam

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Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
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If you are not able to have your basic needs met by a partner, you are not in a healthy relationship, no matter what kind, in my opinion. Setting up boundaries as a human adult ensures that, while you work hard to meet someone else's needs, they respect and attempt to meet yours as well. Healthy boundaries most often come from healthy feelings of self worth. If you are putting aside your needs (and thus don't have any boundaries), you most likely don't have a healthy sense of your own worthiness for happiness, love, kindness, affection, etc.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
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(in reply to simplyangelic1)

Post #: 29

RE: How important is it to meet the submissives basic n... - 1/4/2007 7:16:06 AM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie

I used to think I needed more affection than I do. I have since learned to become very satisfied with what he gives me, by understanding and trusting what he truly thinks of me overall, and by realizing his affection is his to give, not mine to demand. My Master is not a very affectionate man, so to want something from him that does not come naturally to him was unfair. I realized that to him, those big clunky pats on the head which rattles my brains IS affection. I started finding that absolutely endearing, and now I look up at him and giggle when he knocks my brains out, lol. Amazingly, just the pleased and proud look on his face and tone of his voice is affectionate enough now. However, in those times in life when I am feeling particularly frail, I will ask him, "Master, will you hold me please?" And more often than not, he will..

I used to think my version of affection was my need. I am now thrilled to receive his version of affection, how and when he gives it. And it seems the happier I am to receive it, the more I actually receive.

*S*... I recall this issue... and few questions and statements later you found the answers within yourself that cause you so much aniexty.

So often we get caught in a specific perception... it is only when we are able to pull ourselves from a specific perception that we can see the picture in a different light. Sometimes pulling someone out of their perception and causing them to look at it from a different view is rather difficult and even painful.

You will never see a different solution... if you look at the problem with the same mindset.

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An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to ownedgirlie)

Post #: 30

RE: How important is it to meet the submissives basic n... - 1/4/2007 7:23:50 AM

simplyangelic1

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I'm not talking about being "In Love" If we don't have a need for love and/or affection, why will a baby stop crying when you pick it up after you have made sure it is fed and dry? I'm sure there are other examples I could say but not having been to bed yet, they escape me at the moment. When I say affection, I'm not talking just about kissing or hugging. I'm talking about something as little as letting the submissive know they have done a good job or they mean something to the Dominant.

(in reply to Aileen68)

Post #: 31

RE: How important is it to meet the submissives basic n... - 1/4/2007 7:25:49 AM

Tikkiee

Posts: 1099
Joined: 4/6/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: simplyangelic1

I'm not talking about being "In Love" If we don't have a need for love and/or affection, why will a baby stop crying when you pick it up after you have made sure it is fed and dry? I'm sure there are other examples I could say but not having been to bed yet, they escape me at the moment. When I say affection, I'm not talking just about kissing or hugging. I'm talking about something as little as letting the submissive know they have done a good job or they mean something to the Dominant.

I was not referring to love ( per se ) either.

Though of course, answering this from the perspective of a masochist only can tend to be a bit narrow

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Post #: 32

RE: How important is it to meet the submissives basic n... - 1/4/2007 7:33:20 AM

sleazy

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From: UK
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For me all needs should be met in both directions, be they physical or emotional thais applies even more so in long term relationships.

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(in reply to Tikkiee)

Post #: 33

RE: How important is it to meet the submissives basic n... - 1/4/2007 7:36:03 AM

Aileen68

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quote:

ORIGINAL: simplyangelic1

I'm not talking about being "In Love" If we don't have a need for love and/or affection, why will a baby stop crying when you pick it up after you have made sure it is fed and dry? I'm sure there are other examples I could say but not having been to bed yet, they escape me at the moment. When I say affection, I'm not talking just about kissing or hugging. I'm talking about something as little as letting the submissive know they have done a good job or they mean something to the Dominant.

I wasn't talking about love either. I was coming from the perspective of positive reinforcement and general acknowledgement. Most of my issues stem from my own poorly thought out choices over what I felt I needed. Sometimes when you (meaning me) think you know yourself you find that you are truly ignorant.

< Message edited by Aileen68 -- 1/4/2007 7:37:09 AM >

(in reply to simplyangelic1)

Post #: 34

RE: How important is it to meet the submissives basic n... - 1/4/2007 7:39:07 AM

akisha

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Joined: 6/25/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: letmecollaryou

I think in D/S it is important to some level while in S/M it has no place.

Ok that's like saying all blondes are dumb bimbos. Everyone is an indivual. Being a masochist has absolutley no bearing on the nedd or lack of need for affection.

to the OP, the amount of affection a person needs is going to vary per person, which only makes sense. And as intelligent thinking people, I'm going to assume that the majority of Doms/ Masters, and subs or slaves will choose partners that will fullfill those needs to the requirements that they have.

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RE: How important is it to meet the submissives basic n... - 1/4/2007 8:10:43 AM

MasterFireMaam

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From: Charleston, WV
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Aileen68
I wasn't talking about love either. I was coming from the perspective of positive reinforcement and general acknowledgement. Most of my issues stem from my own poorly thought out choices over what I felt I needed. Sometimes when you (meaning me) think you know yourself you find that you are truly ignorant.

Don't be so hard on yourself. Life is about self discovery. You're allowed to learn and grow...and CHANGE. I think of myself like a flower unfolding, which is pretty funny since I don't yet really identify with my whole girly-feminine side much.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
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Ms Relationship Books
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BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to Aileen68)

Post #: 36

RE: How important is it to meet the submissives basic n... - 1/4/2007 8:36:17 AM

juliaoceania

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quote:

ORIGINAL: simplyangelic1

In a D/s relationship, how important is it to make sure the submissive's need for affection are met? Is his/her motivation to serve fed by this or should service be expection? Is service alone enough?

I think this thread opened up that whole "needy" thing that people avoid. Some people just do not like the word need in the first place. Several times people have already mentioned my thoughts about this being an individual thing, it really is.

Personally, I chose someone who is affectionate. I think it is best to pick someone that meets your needs whether one is a sub or dom. Not all submissives are affectionate, not all doms are. It is an individual choice for everyone how much they are willing to compromise what they need from another. Personally, I do not want to compromise affection because it adds so much into my life. I need to feel the person giving me the affection wants to do that, needs it too. If he didn't then it would not be satisfying for me. There is power to just a touch on the cheek, or a caress, that is something I very much need to experience in my life.

Some doms are very affectionate too, and I think there is an assumption that submissives need affection more than dominants do within the OP. I do not think this is necessarily so. I think it is the responsibility of both people to meet each other's needs, if needs are unmet then the relationship may limp along, but it will more than likely end.

< Message edited by juliaoceania -- 1/4/2007 8:38:05 AM >

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Post #: 37

RE: How important is it to meet the submissives basic n... - 1/4/2007 8:50:58 AM

Celeste43

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I wouldn't have chosen an emotionally distant man with no need for affection and no ability to give affirmations. It's a need for me or I won't get into the relationship.

However I am not in the least service oriented. I don't get hot at the idea of scrubbing the floor. I do stuff because it needs to get done not because it flips some switch in me. Same as obedience, it doesn't turn me on, it doesn't by itself make me feel submissive. What does do this for me is emotional transparency, being in a relationship that encourages me to open up to him, indeed being forced to do so on occasion. This leaves me feeling profoundly grateful, small, submissive, peaceful and after I've had time to recover from the barrage of emotions I also feel aroused and in need of his attentions.

What I don't say is that anybody who doesn't respond to the same triggers as I do is just a kinky vanilla.

And I do believe everyone needs positive reinforcements. If all your boss ever gave you was criticism then you wouldn't be motivated to work harder for him. If you get recognition of the good things, and the possibility of rewards for doing more good work be it perks, bonuses, raises and/or promotions you will be more motivated to work harder in order to receive the perceived rewards.

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 38

RE: How important is it to meet the submissives basic n... - 1/4/2007 9:05:41 AM

eyesopened

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For me, being submissive but not naturally masochist, affection is very important. Not just affection toward me but i find it more frustrating to find a Dom who is capable of recieving affection. Many have little problem receiving adoration or other ego strokes but are extremely uncomfortable with affectionate displays by me. Often i hear "you don't have to do that" or "I can get that myself" or even shockingly the "No one has ever done that for me before." Maybe i'm strange but i have thought aftercare should be a shared event. i notice that a Dom often shows signs of "Top drop" in various forms that somehow seem to be a vulnerability, i don't know how to explain it. The sharing of affection and mutual after-care is important to me and i hate to see it one-sided.

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(in reply to simplyangelic1)

Post #: 39

RE: How important is it to meet the submissives basic n... - 1/4/2007 9:10:05 AM

pinkkeith

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quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation

if you mean 'affection' then if affection is a basic need for the person in question its very important. Affection is a basic need for me but i am quite content with a pat on the head, a smile, to hear 'good girl'. it doesnt have to be a great public show off affection just simple, basic so i know i am pleasing him.

I have to agree with you on this point. Just a simple smile or words of endearment are enough affection for me. It doesn't have to be anything extravagant. Yet, if just these simple things were missing it wouldn't be a very healthy relationship to me.

(in reply to missturbation)

Post #: 40

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