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I dont get this - 12/21/2006 1:22:43 AM

DiurnalVampire

Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

I wasnt sure where to post this, exactly. This seemed most appropriate.
I have been getting a lot of emails and messages from submissives on this and on other sites telling me that I am exactly what they are looking for in a Mistress. They tell me how perfectly we would work together, and how I was everything they ever wanted.
The thing I dont get... they know nothing ABOUT me. They occasionaly say this in an initial email, working off my profile. More often, its one or two messages in, after theyve asked me what my interests in BDSM are. Is that really all some people need to think your a perfect match? I always thought that you had to get to know someones personality before you could know whether or not youd be a good fit, not just their kinks.
Does anyone else have an opinion on this? I am sure I am not the only one who gets emails like this. Even though I am not looking (and many of these also have somewhere that they would be better for me than Angel is) I have trouble taking these people seriously.

Curious as to other peoples takes on it
DV

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

Post #: 1

RE: I dont get this - 12/21/2006 1:33:12 AM

SusanofO

Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline

I wouldn't judge them too harshly for it. Sometimes, I think, some people just don't know where to start, if they are interested in you. If they are not experienced, maybe they think this is just the way a bdsm relationship begins (and for some, it does).

Granted, it doesn't make them look very sophisticated, or mature, but - it could be a lack of relationship experience, or exposure to internet "matching" services, or whatever.

Maybe some of them are players or idiots, but -

Maybe you could write them back (if you are interested) and ask them to expound re:What their criteria for a Mistress is, and why they think you fit (kindly). I'd also explain that you like to get to know the whole person, or you don't really consider a pairing much of a "relationship." Ask them to tell you about themselves, too.

If they can't or won't expound beyond a few sentences, or refuse entirely - then I'd write them off.

I agree some people don't make it easy - that's why I just love people who actually know how to 1) Converse and 2) Write.

If someone isn't going to haul their end of the communication load, so to speak, what can you do? The burden is all on you..I suppose if you like someone a lot, that is okay, but getting to even know them to be able to tell whether you do or not is going to be harder (my opinion).

I don't think there's anything wrong with being a "quiet type" (although after 15 years of being married to one, I admit it is not my preferred "type"). But - if someone is attempting to establish a relationship, they at least have to share part of themselves. And this does involve communication and talking. Sorry to rant.

If they can't or won't do this, then I'd thank them for their "interest" and tell them gently you are looking for something "deeper" than they are, apparently, and that you feel your respective "needs" are not a good match.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 12/21/2006 1:47:57 AM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)

Post #: 2

RE: I dont get this - 12/21/2006 1:45:49 AM

DiurnalVampire

Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

I am not looking, which is something that is very clearly stated in my profile. So that part I am nt concerned with. Its more a question of how people can think they ahve found mr/mrs right when they know nothing of the other person. It took Angel and I months to get to know one anotehr well enough to even consider a relationship, and yet there seem to be many other there who are willing and even deserate to jump in with both feet.

DV

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 3

RE: I dont get this - 12/21/2006 1:53:09 AM

SusanofO

Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline

1) Some peope don't know how to seek the relationship they claim they are looking for. They want "deep" , and their "life long love", etc. and then can seem to do everything they can think of, it seems, to potentially screw that up. Getting "collared" within a day or two? Give me a break! I mean, maybe there is such a thing as "love at first sight", who knows? But, in any case - there is still a person to get to know, isn't there?...I think this kind of behavior may be due to a lack of experience, or bad relationship "modelling" fom their family-of-origin, or habit. Or wishful thinking. But it's a habit that can change (if they want it to, that is. But they have to give a darn about doing that, first, and be aware of it).

2) Some people really are just looking for a _uck buddy or a one nighter, and just aren't going to look for "deep connections". They are suffering from skin hunger and that's all they care about satisfying. More power to them. I hope they find what they are looking for. I've "been there", on occasion, myself. But, as far as that being a general M.O. for someone - personally I agree with you - Next!

3) Some people are just not that socially adept. This can be due to many things, I think: Shyness, a lack of role models, lack of empathy for other people, or just lack of experience, I think. I think these people, sometimes get better with approaching people for relationships as they get older. For me, it's still hard to approach people (despite the fact nobody ever believes I am shy. I am).

I screw things up. I say stupid things. But I won't do it twice, if I can help it (and if I know I did something "wrong").

As far as why someone would approach someone who is already taken (such as yourself) - maybe they should learn how to read? If your profile states you are in a relationship. I know people's circumstances change, but unless they already know you, or know you are Poly or something (if you are), then they'd not be aware of that or if it's happening. That strikes me as slightly rude, from their end.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 12/21/2006 2:11:18 AM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)

Post #: 4

RE: I dont get this - 12/21/2006 2:21:35 AM

eyesopened

Posts: 2798
Joined: 6/12/2006
From: Tampa, FL
Status: offline

Don't judge too harshly. It's not easy to know what to say in an initial email. Every person on this site or any other could tell tales of horrible or stupid or ugly or just plain silly initial emails. Sometimes i think alcohol is involved LOL! Not too many people are talented enough to write witty, interesting prose. Not everyone can spell, not everyone has a large vocabulary. Personally, i try to see the intent of the email. Granted, we are all human and we tend to read text in the same mood we are in at the time of the reading. If we are feeling frustrated we can read a line with an angry or pathetic voice when that may not be the mood of the writer at all. Text doesn't contain facial expressions, voice inflections or body language. So i stop to check my own mood when i read to make sure i'm not letting my mood add to or take away from the intent of the writer.

Occassionaly i get the email that no amount of pondering can decipher the intent. my favorite email was the one-liner "I love to fuck old bitches like you" It's emails like that one that make me think of the TLC channel's Life's Lesson of "Merlot and email don't mix"

'Tis the season to be stressed so don't let emails stress you out. This is the internet, not a life-altering event.

_____________________________

Proudly owned by InkedMaster. He is the one i obey, serve, honor and love.

No one is honored for what they've received. Honor is the reward for what has been given.

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)

Post #: 5

RE: I dont get this - 12/21/2006 2:48:03 AM

DiurnalVampire

Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

I'm more contemplating than stressed. I want to figure out what people are thinking.

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to eyesopened)

Post #: 6

RE: I dont get this - 12/21/2006 2:57:41 AM

eyesopened

Posts: 2798
Joined: 6/12/2006
From: Tampa, FL
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DiurnalVampire

I want to figure out what people are thinking.

But that would assume people are always thinking....
i still can't figure out what "fucks old bitches" was hoping to accomplish *laughs*

_____________________________

Proudly owned by InkedMaster. He is the one i obey, serve, honor and love.

No one is honored for what they've received. Honor is the reward for what has been given.

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)

Post #: 7

RE: I dont get this - 12/21/2006 3:44:58 AM

mons

Posts: 2400
Joined: 11/16/2005
Status: offline

greetings

hello many of the dommes here get the same thing they think your the ones and yes it is just your profie i had many write to me wanting to be the only slave or willing to do anything for me to please me but what they are really saying it mostly for themselves not asking what you wish for but what they like to do so it not good it takes time to know someone and i like to do just that yes i happen with us it is flatterying to get the letter but real is best for me someone who speak for himself not a doormat and no all males but many want someone to literely one on them

take care and warm chrstmas wishes

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)

Post #: 8

RE: I dont get this - 12/21/2006 3:53:44 AM

RedSavageSlave

Posts: 733
Joined: 9/12/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DiurnalVampire

Its more a question of how people can think they ahve found mr/mrs right when they know nothing of the other person.

DV

Desperation will do strange things to good people sometimes LOL

_____________________________

My give a damn's busted.

So many thoughts, so few of them rational

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)

Post #: 9

RE: I dont get this - 12/21/2006 7:09:55 AM

SmokingGun82

Posts: 575
Joined: 6/19/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DiurnalVampire

I want to figure out what people are thinking.

Not to be unnecessarily harsh, but in a lot of cases, they simply aren't. I get the ocassional email from a male sub telling me I'd be his dream partner and asking to meet... which is flattering, but the underlying logic is probably terrifying.

_____________________________

It frightens me, the awful truth of how sweet life can be.
- Bob Dylan

Proper capitalization is the difference between "I had to help my Uncle Jack off a horse" and "I had to help my uncle jack off a horse."

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)

Post #: 10

RE: I dont get this - 12/21/2006 7:21:17 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DiurnalVampire

I wasnt sure where to post this, exactly. This seemed most appropriate.
I have been getting a lot of emails and messages from submissives on this and on other sites telling me that I am exactly what they are looking for in a Mistress. They tell me how perfectly we would work together, and how I was everything they ever wanted.
The thing I dont get... they know nothing ABOUT me. They occasionaly say this in an initial email, working off my profile. More often, its one or two messages in, after theyve asked me what my interests in BDSM are. Is that really all some people need to think your a perfect match? I always thought that you had to get to know someones personality before you could know whether or not youd be a good fit, not just their kinks.
Does anyone else have an opinion on this? I am sure I am not the only one who gets emails like this. Even though I am not looking (and many of these also have somewhere that they would be better for me than Angel is) I have trouble taking these people seriously.

Curious as to other peoples takes on it
DV

This has happened to me and be the forward "bitch" that I can be I sometimes say "Really? How strange because you can't possibly know me yet". That usually stops the emails. Those folks also tend to be very eager to talk about sex and specific fetishes almost immediately -- neither of these is very attractive to me.

They are living in a fantasy probably partly produced by their perceived desperation for some type of relationship. I personally hate that desperation and find those who claim it to be very unattractive even as friends.

They cannot be responding to you because they cannot know you yet, I think it takes time, quite a bit of it to really know someone and I also think it is unrealistic to think someone else is perfect. That's just building a tower for them to tumble from, it's a formula for failure -- why would anyone want to be preparing for failure?

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)

Post #: 11

RE: I dont get this - 12/21/2006 8:14:12 AM

nikaa

Posts: 357
Joined: 10/13/2004
Status: offline

I've seen this on the other side as well. My profile clearnly states that I am a collared switch. However, I am always getting emails from Doms stating things such as ,"You are my ideal slave" or "I would love to have you in my collar". I don't find either flattering because the reality is these people don't know me. Yes, they see a blurb of who and what I am but the reality is that does not even touch the surface of who Nika is. The reality would probably scare the living hell out of them.*laughs*

_____________________________

Blessed Be,

Phoenix's Nika

The Cherokee legacy is that we are a people who face adversity, survive, adapt, prosper and excel.

Wakan Tankan Nici Un

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)

Post #: 12

RE: I dont get this - 12/21/2006 8:27:25 AM

yourMissTress

Posts: 1665
Joined: 6/14/2005
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

I have two thoughts on the subject of why someone would think that by reading a profile they are a perfect match with that person.

1) Desperation. I think it's universal. People who are so desperate and needy that it doesn't matter what you are really like, what you really want, whatever it is they will be it, or try to be it, just so that they have someone. I also think this is why many relationships are so very short lived. Some people do not take the time to find out what they want and need for themselves. If they don't know what they want for themselves, how can they know what parts of their needs and desires will coincide with and compliment the needs and desires of another?

2) Miscommunication. A misunderstanding between the parties involved as to what the words really mean to them. What one thinks of when someone says a perfect match is different than what they meant. A perfect match for a lifetime? a fling? an afternoon of cybersex? a fantasy which they have no intention of ever attempting to fulfill? or killing time?

_____________________________

Tress

"If you have to tell people that you are a lady, you are not." My Grandmother

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)

Post #: 13

RE: I dont get this - 12/21/2006 8:43:46 AM

liks2plzlf

Posts: 390
Joined: 7/21/2005
Status: offline

DiurnalVampier As was pointed out in previous posts, many men are overly concerned about looks. I know I sometimes view a profile and think "wow" I'd love to be her slave.I usually end up not trying to contact them, because I figure they have so many pursuing them, they probably won't have time to read my email. But one can learn alot just reading the boards, I know have.The younger ones probably don't read, and feel they might have a chance to change your mind.It surprises me they did not notice your not looking. Since your not looking, maybe you should pull you pics They make me want to be your slave too.

(in reply to nikaa)

Post #: 14

RE: I dont get this - 12/21/2006 8:51:31 AM

yourMissTress

Posts: 1665
Joined: 6/14/2005
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

By your logic, liks2plzlf, she should also wear a large burlap sack when she goes out in public because she isn't looking to be accosted. What a concept! No one should be able to see how beautiful she is because she's taken!

_____________________________

Tress

"If you have to tell people that you are a lady, you are not." My Grandmother

(in reply to liks2plzlf)

Post #: 15

RE: I dont get this - 12/21/2006 8:54:56 AM

catfood

Posts: 52
Joined: 11/30/2006
From: new jersey
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: yourMissTress

By your logic, liks2plzlf, she should also wear a large burlap sack when she goes out in public because she isn't looking to be accosted. What a concept! No one should be able to see how beautiful she is because she's taken!

but then the burlap fetishists will be a flockin'

_____________________________

constitutionally incapable of using the shift key...

(in reply to yourMissTress)

Post #: 16

RE: I dont get this - 12/21/2006 9:14:47 AM

theRose4U

Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: eyesopened

quote:

ORIGINAL: DiurnalVampire

I want to figure out what people are thinking.

But that would assume people are always thinking....
i still can't figure out what "fucks old bitches" was hoping to accomplish *laughs*

Likely he's practiced the 5 knuckle shuffle so many times he think's he's ready to practice with a real girl now. Either that or his blow up girl farted and flew out the window to get away and he thinks every woman with a low self esteem is that desperate.

_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

(in reply to eyesopened)

Post #: 17

RE: I dont get this - 12/21/2006 9:27:14 AM

theRose4U

Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline

quote:

The younger ones probably don't read, and feel they might have a chance to change your mind

I get these all the time. Somehow the magic of who they are will change things like "must be local", "male sub"( sorry I mean one that was born that way and is still intact) and my personal favorite, the idea that if they tell me in great detail about their fetishes I'll suddenly be inclined to take on a newbie, married, forced cross dressing sissy that doesn't do housework...shhh don't tell his wife. GRRRR

< Message edited by theRose4U -- 12/21/2006 9:30:28 AM >

_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

(in reply to theRose4U)

Post #: 18

RE: I dont get this - 12/21/2006 9:29:04 AM

Serenityy

Posts: 97
Status: offline

Welcome to the wonderful world of on line fantasy; where all of your dreams come true in the click of a button, and the tap of a few keys.

_____________________________

harley

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)

Post #: 19

RE: I dont get this - 12/21/2006 9:35:03 AM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DiurnalVampire
Is that really all some people need to think your a perfect match?

Yeah, it really is. My guess is that they've been pursuing these things and having a hard time finding them, but can find the other things. So, they've developed tunnel vision when it comes to kink. Or, they're just looking for play partners and a weekend of fanstasy. Or, they really don't know a whole lot about the lifetyle and think that their fantasy is a good representation of reality.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
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BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)

Post #: 20

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