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RE: Getting to know me or just my lifestyle? - 12/6/2006 9:34:49 PM   
Archer


Posts: 3207
Joined: 3/11/2005
Status: offline 		Got soured on the "So what do you do for a living Question back when I lived in Dallas Tx.
It's a thinly veiled "How much money do you make" all too often.

But then again maybe that fits with knowing what women are thinking when men are thinking about sex??? LOL

Women have their shallow moments as well and they are just as bad as men when it comes to baser instincts.
They simply have a different scale when it comes to what base desire ranks first.



(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: Getting to know me or just my lifestyle? - 12/6/2006 10:01:02 PM   
Noah


Posts: 1660
Joined: 7/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation

Ok i did do a search for this but didn't come up with much, maybe i didnt put the right search words in i dont know.
Just recently (haven't noticed it before) I have come across a string of Dom's whose opening conversation is along the lines of 'what are you into?', 'do you like pain, humiliation etc etc etc?'.
There has been no 'what do you do for a living?', 'what are your hobbies etc etc etc?' and i find this really weird!
For me the first steps are getting to know someone and finding out about them, their lives. Of course this involves some lifestyle talk but surely the first steps have to be a basic do we get on kind of thing.
I'm just wondering and i'm sure i will find the answer is many lol how many of you have experienced the dive straight in technique?
Also if you are a dom/domme and you tend to dive straight in - why?


How about: "Hello miss. Do you like pain, humiliation etc etc etc.-- as a hobby?"

I don't know if I have a tendency there one way or the other. I try to respond organically in the moment, whatever feels appropriate (I've really never found a better way to select a form letter.)

But consider: you wouldn't likely start a conversation with a stranger by asking him if he collects Limoges china. That would be very odd--unless you were standing next to him at an antique store where he seemed to be revealing a good deal of interest in and/or knowledge of the subject.

... and if you suspected that you might eventually want to get into his trousers.

Wouldn't it be less proper to square off with that guy and ask him what he does for a living?

Context counts for a lot. Of course so does dull-as-dirt hamfistedness, which might also tend to characterize some of these lead balloon bouquets guys are sending you. But the context here is kinky people talking a lot about kink. That doesn't decide anything but to some extent it conditions everything.

I suspect--now this is just a guess--that if someone you found extremely attractive importuned you with a charming, clever, filthy question--with just the right timing, just the right insouciance, you might let the little tingle you felt override this banalities-first policy of yours.

Or maybe you're just a real stick-in-the-mud.

So is it the actually the quick move toward intimacy that's putting you off, or rather the dank lumpiness of the attempts, do you suppose?

(in reply to missturbation)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: Getting to know me or just my lifestyle? - 12/7/2006 4:29:26 AM   
adaddysgirl


Posts: 1093
Joined: 3/2/2004
From: Syracuse, NY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

To be on the other side of this, there was one particular kink/fetish that I wanted to know about in a guy's profile and if they did not mention it I would ask, and that is if they were sadistic or not. I thought it was important that I be upfront about my masochism with all the men that showed interest before they invested any time in me because if they were not into inflicting pain then I wanted that information before I likewise invested myself in them. It was as important to me as whether or not they were dominant or submissive ... but that is just me, and other people do not have strong preferences for sadism one way or the other.


julia,
 
i do see what you are saying here.  The first thing i look for in anyone's profile when they write me is anything related to my hard limits.  Since i am not bisexual, into poly or gor, or the local bdsm scene, i look to see if they are.   Just as there are things that we do want, there are obviously also things that we don't want.
 
Now here's the funny thing.  You say you want to know if they are a sadist.  As weird as this may sound, i have to ask if my smoking would be a problem.  Why?  Because although i specify i smoke both in my profile and journal, i will still get guys who write who either didn't see that or really could not tolerate it.  i have spent way too much time on talking with these types only to find this out down the road.  So actually, this is one of the first things i ask when someone writes me (although this not in any way D/s related).
 
But i was thinking the OP meant 'opening lines'.  In other words, if i wrote to someone first, i wouldn't make my introductory email 'So do you smoke?'.....just as you probably wouldn't make yours 'So are you a sadist?'  (Or maybe you would?  LOL)
 
i think the initial email should at least be some type of introduction, or make some reference to why my profile interested them....or as i said before, just a simple 'Could you read my profile and get back to me if you would be interested?'.....is good.  But that is of course providing they have actually written something there.  i can't comment on a blank profile....lol.
 
So i see what you are saying as something i would similarly ask within the first couple of emails but it is not something i would send out as an introduction.
 
DG
 
 

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: Getting to know me or just my lifestyle? - 12/7/2006 4:38:59 AM   
missturbation


Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline 		Thank you to everyone who has replied so far. It's nice to know i'm not the only one who gets the kink only convo (although i never thought i was the only one). Also nice to find out maybe why people go straight for the kink talk.
Julia - you may well be right and i'll have a look at my profile today to see how i can improve it.
 
I suspect--now this is just a guess--that if someone you found extremely attractive importuned you with a charming, clever, filthy question--with just the right timing, just the right insouciance, you might let the little tingle you felt override this banalities-first policy of yours.

Noah, maybe. But not if the kink only convo was in play. I just lose interest when kink is the only topic of convo. If the person asking the charming filthy question had also talked with me of other things then yes i would probably get the twinkies.
 
So is it the actually the quick move toward intimacy that's putting you off, or rather the dank lumpiness of the attempts, do you suppose?

Both teamed with the 'i dont want to discuss anything but kink attitude'.
 
Stick in the mud, maybe i am but i dont see the point in getting involved with someone who only sees me as a kinkster. I have other qualities too - well i hope i do.


_____________________________

What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

(in reply to adaddysgirl)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: Getting to know me or just my lifestyle? - 12/7/2006 4:42:08 AM   
adaddysgirl


Posts: 1093
Joined: 3/2/2004
From: Syracuse, NY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Archer

Got soured on the "So what do you do for a living Question back when I lived in Dallas Tx.
It's a thinly veiled "How much money do you make" all too often.

But then again maybe that fits with knowing what women are thinking when men are thinking about sex??? LOL

Women have their shallow moments as well and they are just as bad as men when it comes to baser instincts.
They simply have a different scale when it comes to what base desire ranks first.



Archer,
 
i would be no more impressed by the initial email asking 'So what do you do for a living?'......and probably less so if i were a Dom/me.  So i guess what actually irks me about it is the lack of essence....they are almost as bad as the initial email that says 'hi'.  WTF does that mean?  LOL
 
i can see where that question, and the question of kink, would arise somewhere in the ensuing conversations but again....i don't find either favorable as a means of initial introduction/interest.
 
DG

(in reply to Archer)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: Getting to know me or just my lifestyle? - 12/7/2006 4:48:15 AM   
adaddysgirl


Posts: 1093
Joined: 3/2/2004
From: Syracuse, NY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse


I know men's and women's brain work very differently in many ways. Most men think sexual gratification first, relationship....maybe someday. Most women think relationship, sexual gratification as part of that relationship.

NOTE: I am saying most, not all!!!!!!!!!



Yep  (claps hands) 
 
DG

(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: Getting to know me or just my lifestyle? - 12/7/2006 5:20:29 AM   
RedSavageSlave


Posts: 733
Joined: 9/12/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Noah

I suspect--now this is just a guess--that if someone you found extremely attractive importuned you with a charming, clever, filthy question--with just the right timing, just the right insouciance, you might let the little tingle you felt override this banalities-first policy of yours.



When I read this..the first thing I thought about was TreSwank's post in the Random Stupidity section where he is asking the question in his typical TreSwank style of who likes anal sex.

http://www.collarchat.com/m_712586/tm.htm

_____________________________

My give a damn's busted.

So many thoughts, so few of them rational

(in reply to Noah)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: Getting to know me or just my lifestyle? - 12/7/2006 6:57:09 AM   
gypsygrl


Posts: 1471
Joined: 10/8/2005
From: new york state
Status: offline 		Alot depends on my mood, I guess.  There's some days that no matter what someone says, I'm not going to respond well.  And, then there's some days when I can pick up on anything and keep my end of the conversation going in a light hearted manner even if my conversation partner is being "too" personal or just plain tacky.  Often these turn into really fun exchanges because I think of them as language games more than anything else where my role is to be able to gracefully field any statement in a way that allows me to save face while at the same time keeping the conversation going.

I prefer to discuss topics relating to kink when I'm first getting to know someone.  For me, kink is different from sex, and I don't really like talking about "what turns me on" sexually.  The way I see it, thats only relevant to people I'm having sex with, and if they want to know, they can figure it out themselves. lol

I don't like being questioned about my regular life and what I do on a daily basis right at first and I have no real interest in responding to questions from strangers about me as a person.  After a few email exchanges, if I think there's something worth pursuing, I'd much rather discuss that stuff on the phone.

I agree with SusanofO, people should use the forums more.  I find it fruitful to follow someone's posts before actually engaging them on a one on one basis to see what they're about and I'm much more likely to respond positively to someone else's mail if I've seen them post on the forums.  Thus far, this method has worked for me much better than fielding mails from absolute strangers and looking through profiles.

(in reply to missturbation)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: Getting to know me or just my lifestyle? - 12/7/2006 7:07:07 AM   
adaddysgirl


Posts: 1093
Joined: 3/2/2004
From: Syracuse, NY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RedSavageSlave

When I read this..the first thing I thought about was TreSwank's post in the Random Stupidity section where he is asking the question in his typical TreSwank style of who likes anal sex.

http://www.collarchat.com/m_712586/tm.htm


Did you have to Red?  i just checked out the link and felt compelled to read the whole thread.  Waaayyy too funny!  And then of course, i had to respond 
 
DG

(in reply to RedSavageSlave)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: Getting to know me or just my lifestyle? - 12/7/2006 7:07:07 AM   
MzTlaz


Posts: 140
Joined: 8/8/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

I want a relationship, not a play session.

I prefer someone to approach me as a human being, not a kink provider.



My thoughts exactly!  And if you're looking for a play session....I think the end of that line is now in Kentucky.

(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: Getting to know me or just my lifestyle? - 12/7/2006 8:23:22 AM   
tade


Posts: 663
Joined: 4/23/2005
From: Tampa Bay, Florida
Status: offline 		So if you aren't on here for kinky reasons then why not just put up a profile on E-harmony or some other dating site? I don't mean for that to sound rude, but this is a BDSM D/s heavy site and I know that we are not really out there looking though profiles waiting to meet our one true love. We have already found that and are on here to post in the forums and make a few friends with the similar intrests that we have. If we were posting on a sports site do you think that the first few questions when we talk to someone would be about what they do for a living or would it be about sports?

I understand that some people are searching for their somebody, they make that clear in their profiles. Those people will probably never get a message from us. But if your profile says that you are in our area, and looking for a Dominant couple we might respond to that, but asking about your personal life (job, house, pets, college loans, ect)  doesn't really come up inthose first couple of emails. Actually it's never crossed our minds to ask about those things untill later, after talking for awhile. Maybe we are inconsiderate and just didn't know it. To tell the truth I would probably call BULLSHIT on someone that started asking us all sorts of personal things (and no I don't consider our kinks personal) right off the bat.   

That being said we fel there is a difference between finding out what you are looking to get out of submission, what types of Dominance you are into... and a lame I just want to eat you ass kind of message. Nobody likes those trolls. But come on now. We're on a sexual site and some amount of "perversion" is just a given. It's kind of like the girl that wears the short shorts and a top with her tits popping out and then gets mad when people look.  But that's just our 2 pennies, not worth much more than anyone else's...

_____________________________

I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've always worked for me.
Hunter S. Thompson

It's a magical world Hobbes 'ole buddy. Let's go explorin'~ Calvin

(in reply to MzTlaz)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: Getting to know me or just my lifestyle? - 12/7/2006 8:47:39 PM   
domiguy


Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline 		I thought I would chime in my two cents.   Too many people expect things to happen out here that would not remotely begin to happen in the "real" world.  I have spoken with women who have met men who because they called themselves "dominant" expected the woman to submit based on that alone.

There are things I would like to know about a woman before I would ever consider a meeting. I want to get a feel of what she does with her life, interests,sense of humor,intelligence, ability to reason, her height and weight, her voice.  If after a few correspondences and better yet a conversation and all goes well...then in a relatively short time a meeting... Nothing cuts through all the bull like looking someone straight in the eye.

I prefer someone who doesn't list a ton of sexual activities on her profile...that can be discussed at the appropriate time perhaps during our meeting.  Yes, and during these meetings I have met women whose kinks or personalities that  were not compatible with my own but it is much easier and quicker to take a real life take to this site then to labor blindly and distantly looking at words.

I think caution is a must on this site...breeding ground for dysfuntionals...so take care...It can be fun.  I think the approach for the most part is a little bit backwards...putting forth a sexual agenda...before many other interests, but it obviously can save the time and pain of a horribly mundane sex life..lol.

out.

D.G.

p.s. Jesus please protect me from your followers.

I





(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: Getting to know me or just my lifestyle? - 12/7/2006 10:09:55 PM   
charlotte12


Posts: 471
Joined: 5/9/2006
Status: offline 		I think about this one quite a bit sometimes and it is often the reason i tend to take extended breaks from the internet. I try to come up with an answer of how to deal with it or rules for myself about how to approach it but in the end i think it comes down to intuition. I found myself reading this and thinking "maybe i should remove all my sexual preferences in my profile if i don't want people to approach me in that way". but i really think it all depends on the individual. i happen to be a dork and enjoy filling out checklists but at the same time i never really pay much attention to them in other people's profiles. i don't find them all that useful. Just because someone shares a common interest in say...begging...with me does not mean we both enjoy the same aspects of it or approach it in the same way. in that sense i believe it is important to talk about kinks and i actually enjoy discussing them in the beginning because for me talking about them is an avenue in which to get to know someone.

i guess for me the difference is usually this. If someone is simply asking me what i'm in to, to list kinks or if i would like them to do this or that to me then i am usually a little wary. but if someone is asking me what it is about humiliation that i like or why how i first discovered that this is something i like this does not usually throw me off. i believe this shows more of an interest in the person and suggests that the guy is not just looking to whack off.

Another big one for me is if i'm feeling thrown off and i tell the person..if they get offended or do not change then i see no point in continuing. Or if they deny that that's what they're doing. It may not be their intention but i'm sick of picking up early on that someone just wants to cyber and saying  i'm not interested in that and them acting all hurt and saying that was not what they wanted only to find a while later that it really is.

ok well that was rather lengthy reply. i'm just trying to say that to nail down the best or worst way to approach people does not really work for me. i try to take things situationally and trust my gut instinct.

"charlotte"

(in reply to domiguy)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: Getting to know me or just my lifestyle? - 12/8/2006 1:21:55 PM   
theRose4U


Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation

Ok i did do a search for this but didn't come up with much, maybe i didnt put the right search words in i dont know.
Just recently (haven't noticed it before) I have come across a string of Dom's whose opening conversation is along the lines of 'what are you into?', 'do you like pain, humiliation etc etc etc?'.
There has been no 'what do you do for a living?', 'what are your hobbies etc etc etc?' and i find this really weird!
For me the first steps are getting to know someone and finding out about them, their lives. Of course this involves some lifestyle talk but surely the first steps have to be a basic do we get on kind of thing.
I'm just wondering and i'm sure i will find the answer is many lol how many of you have experienced the dive straight in technique?
Also if you are a dom/domme and you tend to dive straight in - why?


The reality is two fold...sex if men were allowed to have their way would not include, dinner, dating, get to know you, foreplay, your orgasm or after cuddling in most cases. The reason for this is the little brain is in control with the guys you're speaking with.

I do start conversations with those applying with , "what do you have to offer a domme that would be of use"? This is a pretty open ended question where I usually get a long list of kinks and in one case a 6 pages detailed sexual fantasy with step by step of what I should be doing...from a newbie no less. What I'm looking for as a response is education, compassion, and something that tips off they read my profile.

Frankly if you get one like this you have choices...do not reply and put them on block or reply with the questions above, "aren't you interested in me or am I just supposed to be a willing target for a whip"? Their answers will tell you more about their character than we can.

_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

(in reply to missturbation)
Profile   Post #: 54
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