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Getting to know me or just my lifestyle? - 12/6/2006 8:40:44 AM

missturbation

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Ok i did do a search for this but didn't come up with much, maybe i didnt put the right search words in i dont know.
Just recently (haven't noticed it before) I have come across a string of Dom's whose opening conversation is along the lines of 'what are you into?', 'do you like pain, humiliation etc etc etc?'.
There has been no 'what do you do for a living?', 'what are your hobbies etc etc etc?' and i find this really weird!
For me the first steps are getting to know someone and finding out about them, their lives. Of course this involves some lifestyle talk but surely the first steps have to be a basic do we get on kind of thing.
I'm just wondering and i'm sure i will find the answer is many lol how many of you have experienced the dive straight in technique?
Also if you are a dom/domme and you tend to dive straight in - why?

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RE: Getting to know me or just my lifestyle? - 12/6/2006 8:44:08 AM

childoftheshadow

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Joined: 8/2/2006
From: London UK
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I've gotten that a lot too, and it always really put me off talking to them further. If they're just interested in my kinks, I'm not interested in talking to them.

shadow

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RE: Getting to know me or just my lifestyle? - 12/6/2006 8:45:36 AM

sub4hire

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You mean you find people who don't ask you first,
Age/sex/location and do you have a pic?

When I used to go into chat rooms thats all most ever asked about. Didn't much care about anything else.

(in reply to missturbation)

Post #: 3

RE: Getting to know me or just my lifestyle? - 12/6/2006 8:45:39 AM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
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From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
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I would really look at your own profile. You do not talk about kinks and fetishes, but you do mention your newness to the lifestyle, and talk about your personality. If I were you I would talk about what you were looking for, and a small thing about the type of activities that you enjoy. I would also make sure that you stated that you were looking for someone that had vanilla interests outside of the lifestyle if I were you. It may make for better introductory emails if they see you have hobbies to ask about.

< Message edited by juliaoceania -- 12/6/2006 8:46:07 AM >

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RE: Getting to know me or just my lifestyle? - 12/6/2006 8:48:10 AM

crouchingtigress

Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
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hi Miss...

yeah i find it is pretty standard to talk about kinks from the get go...i also find there is no hard fast rule...

i tend to write from a place of inspiration. the person becomes my muse. maybe something in their photo or forum post or profile has me wondering about something...or maybe i am in a romantic mood, or a ravenously passionate mood....

i really cant say there is one way that i approach folks..

if it clicks it clicks....if his approach does not match my mood that day it wont...but if he is rude...then i just move on....and only you can decide what rude is for you.

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RE: Getting to know me or just my lifestyle? - 12/6/2006 8:49:41 AM

MstrssPassion

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If they were really interested in getting to know you they would ask the questions that pertain to you outside of what brought you to this site in the first place.

We can all pretty much assume that we all have "kinky tendencies" or we wouldn't be here..... right?

There is an interests list & there is both good & bad as to filling it out. I had mine filled out at one point but it seemed to promote even more discussions about kink.

Everyone has to make a conscience decision as to what point in initial conversations do "we" engage in revealing the things we like to do. I tend to measure this as to when would I like to do these things with the one I speaking to.

<edited to add>
The key word here is that they ask this in the first communication attempt. I would rule that as HNG mail & simply ignore it. It doesn't deserve a reply.

< Message edited by MstrssPassion -- 12/6/2006 8:51:04 AM >

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RE: Getting to know me or just my lifestyle? - 12/6/2006 8:49:45 AM

Missokyst

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Oh heck, I get that all the time. But I love generic questions. What am I into? Art, dolls, computers, crime, boston legal, csi, and research. I choose to direct someone to the person, and not the fantasy they want to hear about.
Kyst

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(in reply to missturbation)

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RE: Getting to know me or just my lifestyle? - 12/6/2006 9:01:25 AM

Siona

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I had this happen recently.
He was wanting details of very intimate experiences,reasoning is to get to know what I like and don't.I tried to veer him into a conversation outside of my kinks. He wasn't wanting that in our conversation 'cause he kept heading back to the kinks.
I told him I wasn't going to give him whank material. He wasn't liking that too much either. The conversation stopped shortly after that.
I don't understand this either, missturbation. Seems like they'd be interested in the nilla side (we all have one), to see if we're compatible in other things, whether or not it's listed in our profile or not.
Very underwhelming to say the least.

(in reply to Missokyst)

Post #: 8

RE: Getting to know me or just my lifestyle? - 12/6/2006 9:01:44 AM

catfood

Posts: 52
Joined: 11/30/2006
From: new jersey
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yep, not surprising. plenty of folk are not interested in any substantive relationship beyond bdsm. fair enough, but if that is not what you're after, the "delete message" button comes in handy...weed 'em out and be patient.

i used to kick things off with that sort of probing (figuratively, that is). these days i find someone who captures my mind first, then we can talk about how much you like ________ and how i am into __________. frankly, i've grown enough to realize there is no one activity i can't live without in a relationship, but i can't live without someone who captures all of my interest, not just in the context of bdsm.

prolific in posting today...

(in reply to Missokyst)

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RE: Getting to know me or just my lifestyle? - 12/6/2006 9:05:49 AM

MasterFireMaam

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From: Charleston, WV
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In the south, "What do you do for a living?" isn't a question you ask a kink stranger...mainly because we protect our identities religiously. In fact, unless you know it's ok with a kink friend, you don't even say hi in vanilla public. In this part of the country, people can and still do loose their jobs and children over BDSM. Even though I have no children to loose and I know I wouldn't loose my job, I'm hesitant to tell a complete stranger on the net about my personal life.Of course, if you're a waitress or in CS or something that a LOT of people do, it doesn't hurt to share...but what if you do something that's fairly unique? I do...so even sharing my job can be compromising. Knowing my name makes me highly googlable (is that a word?). Part of that is simple safety.

Master Fire

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(in reply to missturbation)

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RE: Getting to know me or just my lifestyle? - 12/6/2006 9:14:25 AM

littlesarbonn

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I remember a time some years ago when a woman I met at a party who was a friend of a mutual friend decided it would be fun to tie me up and torture me at the party (kind of as a get to know you kind of thing). She was very much into headspace games, which my mutual friend told me about beforehand, as my friend was a female dominant/switch who loved to share her social life situations with me, so at one point, she went from playstyle to headgame style and said, "So, what do you have to say for yourself?" So, as the whole situation was awkward, and I really didn't have much to say, which is part of how she plays her headgames (I'm referring to positive ones as part of play, not manipulative negative kinds), I said, "So, come here often?" She then laughed that off and said, "I'm sure there's something you want to know about me." I immediately responded, because I was QUITE interested in one thing: "Yes, Ma'am. Do you prefer paper or plastic? And as a follow up, do you consider yourself more of a Nietzsche philosopher or more nihilistic in approach?" I think I got seriously hurt that night (in a good way), but she stopped asking me to ask questions.

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RE: Getting to know me or just my lifestyle? - 12/6/2006 9:26:27 AM

PONYSEEKER

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Joined: 9/11/2006
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I am guilty of asking that what is your kink? first instead of what do you do for a living here is why. A lot of the profiles dont have the likes and dislikes added to them....HELLO!!!
If you look around the forum you can tell that many of the people here tend to get kinky at times. I do not want to meet a woman who need scat as an example to feel complete. Its something I am not into.... there would be no point. I could be friends with them sure. But do I want like 300 internet friends that all do things that I am not into???? If a woman is lets say a waitress or a doctor why to hell would I care? I am the dom and the bread winner I could not care what a woman does for a living because in general what a woman does for a living does not effect the relationship. I want to know right up front what she is into so that I can screen through the woman that I am not interested in dateing. I know for example that if a woman is into something like scat that it would be a no go so why would I try to make something fit that dosnt... I wouldnt be rude or anything it would just be okay not my type and move on. Also, woman that do not list there likes / dislikes when it comes to sex leave suspicion that they might be vanilla. Belive it or not I have met a lot of vanilla woman on this site that frequent other dating sites and this is something they want to "try". Okay forgive me but this is something you dont just try for kicks. I want a submisive that is truly a submisive... that knows what kink is and enjoys it not someone that watch a show on HBO and decided thats what I need in my life because every one of there vanilla relationships didnt work. If a woman want to find out or check out BDSM that is fine... I am willing and enjoy answering any questions I can about my perspectives on it but I am truly not just after a good time. I am after a relationship and I have seen many woman that just dont add enough info on there profile to be able to tell what up with them. I feel that this is a type of sexuality that requires that everyone be totally up front and honest about their sexuality. I dont want to devote months and thousands of dollars potentially in travel to come home and find my new significant other getting it on with my dog. Its not that I dont want to know there hobbies, types of friends, relationship with family.... its just not as important as what they get into for kinks what they have for current sexual relationships wether not they have had there butts reddened because well I know that I will spank a girl so why would I want to get involved with a girl that wasnt into that but at the same time I know that woman can be shy about devulging there sexuality and woman that are shy about that are also woman that I can enjoy provided they are up front when asked. I can understand a woman not wanting to list the fact that they love anal for instance... but if they are not up front about what they like / want at the begining .... like I am going to get involved with someone like that.
Okay rant over....LOL :)

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

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RE: Getting to know me or just my lifestyle? - 12/6/2006 9:39:09 AM

crouchingtigress

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From: Maui
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i see that i did not say what i was trying to say....basically BDSM is difernt...you can ask about the most outrageous kinks a person has and still not be rude...rudeness is separate from sexual proclivitys...and having a conversation about sexual proclivitys from the get go is pretty common...

but being rude is differnt...rudeness cant be defined...but if it offends you then it was rude...

wether they meant it to be or not...that goes to intent...i know many folks that are rude but have no idea....so the trick is to figure out what rude is for you...and then lay down rules around it if you like the person...if not, ignore them....they are not worth the time...

we are all in here fishing for different fish....using different bait...its bound to happen that the wrong fish gets on my line....so i just unhook him and throw him back

< Message edited by crouchingtigress -- 12/6/2006 9:40:59 AM >

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"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."

(in reply to PONYSEEKER)

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RE: Getting to know me or just my lifestyle? - 12/6/2006 10:57:48 AM

LaTigresse

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Mist, I have seen it from both genders and both sides of the whip/paddle. Those darn doms are not the only troublemakers in this arena.

I have had female sub/slaves do exactly the same thing. I finally have just put it right out there in the beginning of conversing. I do not want to talk about sex/kink until I get to know you ALOT better. I want a relationship, not a play session.

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Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to missturbation)

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RE: Getting to know me or just my lifestyle? - 12/6/2006 11:16:08 AM

toservez

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I have mixed feeling about this in terms of motives. Certainly some do come off as just looking for titillation but at the same time if one’s profile is very sparse in information about this life then I can see why someone who might be interested in asking for that information. It is about compatibility between two people and certainly people looking to have a deep relationship in this life need to be compatible in this area as well. I would not want to waste my time sending messages and phone calls and then find out we are too far apart on the other things.

I have come across what the OP talks about a lot though and my profile is pretty clear in this area so it would bug me. I often feel that too many searching online and I also think this happens in real life too, that the aggressors are always looking for shortcuts to zip thru the courtship or to put mind before heart and chemistry which is a very misplaced step. There are too many on these sites that want to know how what the other person wants so they can cater their communication toward that instead of being truthful and knowledgeable about themselves.

Too many want to hey I see you like golf, traveling, bondage and looking for something long-term. Hey, so do I! We are a perfect match let meet and set the date of the wedding type shortcut attempts.

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RE: Getting to know me or just my lifestyle? - 12/6/2006 11:21:31 AM

LaTigresse

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Another thing I wanted to add after reading Pony's post but forgot.

I specifically chose to avoid all of the kink related questions on my profile. No, I am not at all vanilla in my relationship interests.

I prefer someone to approach me as a human being, not a kink provider.

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Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

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RE: Getting to know me or just my lifestyle? - 12/6/2006 11:22:24 AM

SHEmiss

Posts: 5
Joined: 11/4/2006
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I've had the same experience...knowing that you share the same kinks is important but it seems that a lot of folks say they want something more substantial but when it comes down to it its only about fantasy fulfillment or whank material. For me, I have no interest in dominating anyone who I can't really appreciate and respect. I must get to know someone to do that. I quickly lose interest when it seems that it's all about kink. I agree with crouching tigress's fishing analogy...I just throw 'em back.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Siona

I had this happen recently.
He was wanting details of very intimate experiences,reasoning is to get to know what I like and don't.I tried to veer him into a conversation outside of my kinks. He wasn't wanting that in our conversation 'cause he kept heading back to the kinks.
I told him I wasn't going to give him whank material. He wasn't liking that too much either. The conversation stopped shortly after that.
I don't understand this either, missturbation. Seems like they'd be interested in the nilla side (we all have one), to see if we're compatible in other things, whether or not it's listed in our profile or not.
Very underwhelming to say the least.

(in reply to Siona)

Post #: 17

RE: Getting to know me or just my lifestyle? - 12/6/2006 11:23:04 AM

akisha

Posts: 2071
Joined: 6/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sub4hire

You mean you find people who don't ask you first,
Age/sex/location and do you have a pic?

When I used to go into chat rooms thats all most ever asked about. Didn't much care about anything else.

sub, you forgot the second question they ask after that...

"wanna cyber?" LOL

one of the reasons i rarely go into chat rooms anymore

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RE: Getting to know me or just my lifestyle? - 12/6/2006 11:35:39 AM

WildHeartOne

Posts: 12
Joined: 12/1/2006
From: Colorado
Status: offline

I find asking general questions like hobbies, fave foods, and music among other questions a good way to open someone up. Am not one to dive in with the lifestyle questions until I get comfortable with someone and feel that they may be compatible with me. I, myself, can't say why a Dominant would ask lifestyle questions at the very start but nevertheless I judge almost purely by the heart and gut instinct if that makes sense at all.

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RE: Getting to know me or just my lifestyle? - 12/6/2006 12:26:08 PM

catfood

Posts: 52
Joined: 11/30/2006
From: new jersey
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: PONYSEEKER

If a woman is lets say a waitress or a doctor why to hell would I care? I am the dom and the bread winner I could not care what a woman does for a living because in general what a woman does for a living does not effect the relationship.

(pained, irritated sigh)

lovely. nothing like a good off-the-cuff rant to show your best side...

try this on for size. your sub is a human being, not a block of wood for your personal chopping pleasure. perhaps she might actually enjoy her chosen vocation. perhaps it is a source of income, self-esteem, and the product of years of hard effort. so that has no bearing on a relationship?

check your head, please.

(in reply to PONYSEEKER)

Post #: 20

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