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Single Doms as Mentors - 8/28/2006 7:03:27 AM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline 		Perusing profiles I see many single (mostly male) Doms offering "mentoring". If you are looking for a mentor, why would you choose a single person? Wouldn't that be kind of like going to a priest for marriage counseling? It seems to me that if I were looking for a mentor, I would want it to be someone who is in a working and successful relationship. At least that way I would know that they had some kind of understanding of how to apply their "knowledge" in a real life manner.

I personally don't agree with having a "mentor" in that I believe that it confines oneself to a single viewpoint. I believe that people should use all who they come in contact with as mentors if you will...take what you can use and throw away the rest. Having a few good close acquaintances that you can bounce things off of adds balance also.

< Message edited by mistoferin -- 8/28/2006 7:04:21 AM >

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RE: Single Doms as Mentors - 8/28/2006 7:17:35 AM   
twicehappy


Posts: 2706
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

Perusing profiles I see many single (mostly male) Doms offering "mentoring". If you are looking for a mentor, why would you choose a single person? Wouldn't that be kind of like going to a priest for marriage counseling?


And yet if you are a good Catholic that is exactly where you would go, lol.

I am with you one this one. I would rather seek advice from a few trusted acquaintances who i knew to be well experienced with real time relationships.


_____________________________

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(in reply to mistoferin)
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RE: Single Doms as Mentors - 8/28/2006 7:17:49 AM   
MzTlaz


Posts: 140
Joined: 8/8/2006
Status: offline 		I think mentors can be a good thing but the trick is not to take what they say as gospel. 

As for single male Doms as mentors...well, I do know a few who do this and from my observations it seems that they do it for the power rush...with female subs anyway.  I think this happens a lot online, it may be easier to have someone sign up for 'mentorship' than to have them submit but from what I've witnessed it's all about control and power.

I can't say I've had mentors in the classic sense, I watch people, see how they handle themselves and if they impress me I talk to them and learn from them.

(in reply to mistoferin)
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RE: Single Doms as Mentors - 8/28/2006 7:35:33 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		I agree.  It would be a very rare single dom who would be interested and useful for mentoring to a single sub.

But then the odds aren't that good when they aren't single either- then they can go for threesomes and the golden fleece of bdsm- POLY!

I think people advertising themselves as mentors, or who conveniently pop the term up with a newbie are definitely the ones to be avoided.

_____________________________

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"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to mistoferin)
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RE: Single Doms as Mentors - 8/28/2006 7:37:46 AM   
porcelaine


Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

Perusing profiles I see many single (mostly male) Doms offering "mentoring". If you are looking for a mentor, why would you choose a single person? Wouldn't that be kind of like going to a priest for marriage counseling? It seems to me that if I were looking for a mentor, I would want it to be someone who is in a working and successful relationship. At least that way I would know that they had some kind of understanding of how to apply their "knowledge" in a real life manner.



I could be optimistic and suggest they are offering their services to sincere seekers and trying to be of assistance. However, as we know it is more probable that most are merely providing their own brand of mentorship to the unsuspecting applicant. I think it can be a good thing in general, but the lines between the two need to be clearly defined. The availability factor could prove to be a problem in the long run, especially if both parties are looking or happen to connect. A random occurrence I'm certain. *g*

porcelaine

_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to mistoferin)
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RE: Single Doms as Mentors - 8/28/2006 7:38:59 AM   
popeye1250


Posts: 18104
Joined: 1/27/2006
From: New Hampshire
Status: offline 		Or, they're just trying to get laid.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
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RE: Single Doms as Mentors - 8/28/2006 7:39:48 AM   
Aubre


Posts: 478
Joined: 12/9/2004
Status: offline 		Maybe what they are saying is they are really into the 80s punk band called The Mentors.

(in reply to porcelaine)
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RE: Single Doms as Mentors - 8/28/2006 7:43:04 AM   
Homestead


Posts: 1005
Status: offline 		I just talk with people who interest me. I'm interested in the learning going both ways. Why not just be honest? In my world, a mentor has to keep a certain distance out of ethical concerns. One that I may not want to have to keep.

It's hard not to get attached to someone you find merit in.

(in reply to mistoferin)
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RE: Single Doms as Mentors - 8/28/2006 7:46:08 AM   
Bearlee


Posts: 2311
Joined: 10/25/2004
From: South Central CO
Status: offline 		 
I would say mentoring is only as good as the one giving it.  If the Dominant is single, has integrity and is serious about mentoring...it's all good.  If the Dominant is single and a player...the submissive will be taken for a ride.
 
Mentors don't have sex with those they mentor...and 'play' is educational in nature, if they play at all.  Merriam-Webster online says a mentor is:
      • a trusted counselor or guide: Tutor, Coach

Trust is a big deal.  Married guys who are messing around are hardly trustworthy.  Nor are men who encourage those they mentor to lean to hard on them; including falling in love.  Your 'mentor' should be encouraging you to meet people...Doms and submissives and to stay away from players.
 
Just my thoughts,
beverly

(in reply to MzTlaz)
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RE: Single Doms as Mentors - 8/28/2006 8:25:22 AM   
NastyDaddy


Posts: 957
Joined: 9/8/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

I personally don't agree with having a "mentor" in that I believe that it confines oneself to a single viewpoint.



Very similar to reading a book and being confined to a single author's viewpoint.

By application of this logic, are people to read say one book with the left hand... and in order to preserve objectivity... simultaneously read another book by a different author with the right hand?

Most certainly no one should NEVER read a book written by a single unattached author... their ulterior motives are so blatantly obvious, and their intent is so sinisterly flagrant... their books and their purpose are just far too obvious...

Mentorphobia is upon us.... do not be seduced by a swinging dick single Dom mentor, there's one lurking behind every tree!

Which is the more illogical and paranoid mentorphobia, diagnosing the perceived illness or administering the perceived cure? 


(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Single Doms as Mentors - 8/28/2006 8:28:53 AM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

Perusing profiles I see many single (mostly male) Doms offering "mentoring". If you are looking for a mentor, why would you choose a single person? Wouldn't that be kind of like going to a priest for marriage counseling? It seems to me that if I were looking for a mentor, I would want it to be someone who is in a working and successful relationship. At least that way I would know that they had some kind of understanding of how to apply their "knowledge" in a real life manner.

I personally don't agree with having a "mentor" in that I believe that it confines oneself to a single viewpoint. I believe that people should use all who they come in contact with as mentors if you will...take what you can use and throw away the rest. Having a few good close acquaintances that you can bounce things off of adds balance also.


I think it depends on why they are currently single. Someone who had a successful BDSM relationship(s) which ended positively or because life happens (the partner died, had to take another job elsewhere, etc) could have a lot of good experiences and bad experiences to share.

Why would one have only one mentor? Know of the people who mentored me ever asked me to limit myself to them. I certainly do not ask those I've mentored to limit themselves to me. I personally think that would be the sign of a foolish and arrogant person, not a good mentor.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Single Doms as Mentors - 8/28/2006 8:41:25 AM   
liljoy


Posts: 577
Joined: 3/25/2004
Status: offline 		i've always thought Dom should mentor Dom and sub should mentor sub

(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Single Doms as Mentors - 8/28/2006 8:46:13 AM   
bandit25


Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
Status: offline 		Yeah, I don't know about the whole "mentoring" thing.  I guess it can be a good idea, but I see a lot of potential for abuse.

(in reply to liljoy)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Single Doms as Mentors - 8/28/2006 2:54:27 PM   
Owned1


Posts: 847
Joined: 7/6/2005
From: Toronto, Ontario
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: liljoy

i've always thought Dom should mentor Dom and sub should mentor sub


I personally think this is the best way as well.  There are then like minds, from the same perspective.  As well there is no room for taking advantage of the other.

Owned

_____________________________

~~in His Chains i am free~~

(in reply to liljoy)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Single Doms as Mentors - 8/28/2006 3:08:32 PM   
raiken


Posts: 868
Joined: 10/18/2005
Status: offline 		i think that both doms and subs can mentor each other interchangeably, and that it largely depends on the nature of the connection, trust and friendship shared.
 
i have seen it work from both sides.  i have also seen it fail and become a huge mess from both sides, that is why i say it depends on the unique connection.  i believe that if a mentor is in a relationship with another, and not poly oriented, it may lead to complications on both sides.  i also know that if a dom is single, but has some solid life experience under his belt and also the freedom to train, it can be a win win situation.
 
i would be leary of single doms, more so, the inexperienced doms wanting to mentor single subs.  There are too many scenarios that can go awry.  However as in anything, it is about takng a risk, i just hope the risk takers choose wisely.

(in reply to Owned1)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Single Doms as Mentors - 8/28/2006 3:25:47 PM   
LeatherLord2003


Posts: 23
Joined: 5/19/2006
Status: offline 		I have Mentored both Dom and submissive. But in my doing so, I always add the disclaimer, this is just my opinion, do with it as you will. This lifestyle is vast and around each corner is something that can sway your mind in any given direction. What works for one does not work for everyone... I myself pride myself in not fitting the mold, letting my Dominance sneak up on you while you arent looking. Not much into beating my chest to proclaim myself. I do find however that most male ego's limit their ability to listen to what another has to say. For a Dominant man to hear what I have to say, most often I have to make it seem like he thought of it himself. Not sure why that is, but I find it to be true.  And  I only offer to those that ask, as I force my opinions on no one... kind of like religion...and politics....

(in reply to Owned1)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Single Doms as Mentors - 8/28/2006 3:36:39 PM   
ThatLilBrat


Posts: 149
Joined: 2/14/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin



I personally don't agree with having a "mentor" in that I believe that it confines oneself to a single viewpoint.



Please forgive if this sounds like I'm tooting my own horn.  The purpose of this post is to let others know that there are female mentor/support groups

I'm a mentor.  I chose to have a seperate nickname for that purpose only.  My first priority is 'safety' and provide safe calls.  (FYI - also provide the phone number of the local police,  driver's license number, make and model of the car and license plate to your safecaller..)

quote:

portion of my "LadyDollz" profile 
http://www.collarme.com/bdsm/v/93729/rzuf/35643/details.htm

The lifestyle is very individualized. It is not my intent to 'teach' my personal view of what a submissive should be. I will be presenting a wide range of study material and references. Each sub/slave is encouraged to accept what feels comfortable and applies to their personal situation. 
 
http://www.collarme.com/bdsm/v/93729/rzuf/35643/details.htm
 

 


_____________________________

Remember the three R's:
Respect for self;
Respect for others; and
Responsibility for ALL your actions and accept the consquences of your decisions

(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Single Doms as Mentors - 8/28/2006 3:38:14 PM   
Tamerofwild1s


Posts: 1765
Joined: 12/5/2004
Status: offline 		*steps in as Father Tamer*
 
I personally don't see the problem with single Doms as mentors as long as thier intentions are true .. as a mentor I can teach someone all aspects of the lifestyle I know .. if they use but 5 of those things then I feel I helped them along their journey. when I mentor someone I get the respect of being a Dom without the fringe benefits of a collar.

_____________________________

A building get torched. All that is left is ashes. I used to think that it is true about everything - family, friends, feelings - but now I know that sometimes if love proves real, and two people are meant to be together, nothing can keep them apart ~

(in reply to LeatherLord2003)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Single Doms as Mentors - 8/28/2006 3:46:27 PM   
denverdomm


Posts: 2
Joined: 3/1/2005
Status: offline 		Well it is not a bad idea to have a mentor when one is introduced into bdsm.  My slave had a fantastic one in the chicago area years ago.  In regards to whether they are single doing whatever, you are an adult, do what feels right.  Most metors will negotiate an agreement.  I know it is popular these last 5 years especially, with the internet growth to be all concerned about others and see them as victims.  Well, grow up do it if you want,otherwise dont.  If legal laws are broken have folks charged or arrested.  But be responsible for yourself whether single, new,old, responsible or irresponsible.

(in reply to Tamerofwild1s)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Single Doms as Mentors - 8/28/2006 3:58:59 PM   
Sinergy


Posts: 9383
Joined: 4/26/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

But then the odds aren't that good when they aren't single either- then they can go for threesomes and the golden fleece of bdsm- POLY!



Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt...

I derive enough enjoyment out of one person, there is an aspect of having moresomes which to me is such gilding of the lily.

I am serially monogamous.  The problem I have with a single Dom(me) offering to mentor somebody is that the power relationship is all skewed.  What I would worry about happening is the same sort of dynamic you find in teachers that mess with their students, psychiatrists who mess with their patients, clergy who mess with their congregation, etc.  The ethical issue in any of those makes me feel a bit ill.

In other words, there is an extant power relationship between the two people, which to me means that true consent (for one to become submissive to the other) is not possible.

I have mentored two people into this lifestyle in the past.  One when I was single, and the other when I had a submissive.  In neither case did I cross the line from mentor/mentee to Dom/sub or engage in anything sexual and/or bdsm with the person I was mentoring.

The sad part (for me) of this was that in one case she begged me to take her on and I refused for the reasons I have just stated.

But this is just me and I could be wrong.

Sinergy

_____________________________

"There is a fine line between clever and stupid"
David St. Hubbins "This Is Spinal Tap"

"Every so often you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You cant do that, it is gone, gone forever." J. Danforth Quayle


(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
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