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RE: Single Doms as Mentors - 8/28/2006 4:01:08 PM   
yourMissTress


Posts: 1665
Joined: 6/14/2005
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

Perusing profiles I see many single (mostly male) Doms offering "mentoring". If you are looking for a mentor, why would you choose a single person? Wouldn't that be kind of like going to a priest for marriage counseling? It seems to me that if I were looking for a mentor, I would want it to be someone who is in a working and successful relationship. At least that way I would know that they had some kind of understanding of how to apply their "knowledge" in a real life manner.

I personally don't agree with having a "mentor" in that I believe that it confines oneself to a single viewpoint. I believe that people should use all who they come in contact with as mentors if you will...take what you can use and throw away the rest. Having a few good close acquaintances that you can bounce things off of adds balance also.


I'm going to offend a few people but this is MO...
 
These single Dom/mes are not using the word mentor in the same way that you are, or that I do.  They are using the term less as an unbiased teacher, protector, or guide and more as a way of dominance.  I believe that they are using the term Mentor as synonymous with Dominant.  It's a gentler softer (read deceptive) way of saying that they are looking for a submissive without appearing to be looking.  I am always leary of anyone advertising to offer their wisdom or advice or...whatever it is.  Advertising to teach someone their way which I'm sure will be imparted as very OTW. 
 
Maybe I'm a bit jaded by my experiences, maybe I'm not, or maybe I should be.  It has been my experience that these types tend to be very predatory, possessive, and in some cases dangerous. 
 
As far as having a mentor and confining yourself to a single viewpoint,  to a degree I agree with you.  It's never wise to listen to only one viewpoint.  But I don't think that all mentors are or have to be the be all and end all of an education or a decision making process.  Ideally, a mentor would be someone that would help you stay grounded and centered in times where you may allow emotion and "the moment" to influence decisions and actions.   Mentors can offer you a differing viewpoint or suggestions, play devil's advocate, assist you in thinking something through, be a sounding board, or simply offer an ear when things are rough. 
 
For many people it's difficult enough to trust one person enough to ask personal questions or admit that they don't have all the answers, let alone a few or more. 
 
Edited to add: Mentors, regardless of commitment status, should not be people that you would consider to be a part of your dating pool and ideally the same orientation as you.

< Message edited by yourMissTress -- 8/28/2006 4:03:29 PM >

_____________________________

Tress


"If you have to tell people that you are a lady, you are not." My Grandmother


(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Single Doms as Mentors - 8/28/2006 4:26:56 PM   
ScooterTrash


Posts: 1407
Joined: 1/24/2005
From: Indiana
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

Perusing profiles I see many single (mostly male) Doms offering "mentoring". If you are looking for a mentor, why would you choose a single person? Wouldn't that be kind of like going to a priest for marriage counseling?

quote:

ORIGINAL: twicehappy
And yet if you are a good Catholic that is exactly where you would go, lol.

I am with you one this one. I would rather seek advice from a few trusted acquaintances who i knew to be well experienced with real time relationships.


quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross
I agree.  It would be a very rare single dom who would be interested and useful for mentoring to a single sub.

But then the odds aren't that good when they aren't single either- then they can go for threesomes and the golden fleece of bdsm- POLY!

OK, that does it..I want to see all three of you after class...lol.


_____________________________

Formal symbolic representation of qualitative entities is doomed to its rightful place of minor significance in a world where flowers and beautiful women abound.
-Albert Einstein

(in reply to twicehappy)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Single Doms as Mentors - 8/28/2006 4:27:22 PM   
Skier


Posts: 52
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Mentoring doesn't always involve BDSM or sex. It might involve someone who encourages them in their quest for  fitness or more  education.  Perhaps they're attracted to father figures who won't berate and belittle them. Perhaps they want a sympathetic ear. The list is endless. It doesn't have to be a power trip and can, in fact, be quite gratifying.

(in reply to yourMissTress)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Single Doms as Mentors - 8/28/2006 4:33:44 PM   
pissdoll


Posts: 343
Joined: 5/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NastyDaddy

swinging dick single Dom mentor



damn, when you put it like that, i think i WANT one!!!!

(in reply to NastyDaddy)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Single Doms as Mentors - 8/28/2006 4:39:43 PM   
ThatLilBrat


Posts: 149
Joined: 2/14/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ScooterTrash


quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

Perusing profiles I see many single (mostly male) Doms offering "mentoring". If you are looking for a mentor, why would you choose a single person? Wouldn't that be kind of like going to a priest for marriage counseling?

quote:

ORIGINAL: twicehappy
And yet if you are a good Catholic that is exactly where you would go, lol.

I am with you one this one. I would rather seek advice from a few trusted acquaintances who i knew to be well experienced with real time relationships.


quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross
I agree.  It would be a very rare single dom who would be interested and useful for mentoring to a single sub.

But then the odds aren't that good when they aren't single either- then they can go for threesomes and the golden fleece of bdsm- POLY!

OK, that does it..I want to see all three of you after class...lol.



Can I watch ???

_____________________________

Remember the three R's:
Respect for self;
Respect for others; and
Responsibility for ALL your actions and accept the consquences of your decisions

(in reply to ScooterTrash)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Single Doms as Mentors - 8/28/2006 4:46:40 PM   
ThatLilBrat


Posts: 149
Joined: 2/14/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Skier

Mentoring doesn't always involve BDSM or sex. It might involve someone who encourages them in their quest for  fitness or more  education.


<thank you> Boy do I agree with you there.

Some of us women do need encouragement in other areas.  There are times when even gaining control over one's home can empower them.  That is where I introduce these lovely ladies to a domestic mentoring group called Fly Lady.

Take a kitchen timer
turn it to 15 minutes
tackle something full hardedly
<DING> stop

http://www.flylady.com/

I have always been blessed with taking a huge, sometimes overwhelming job and break it into smaller, managable tasks.  Others look at the big picture and get overwhelmed.  This sight 'teaches' how to break things down and a strategy on how to attack it.

<sets kitchen time and runs to clean up the mess made while baking>





_____________________________

Remember the three R's:
Respect for self;
Respect for others; and
Responsibility for ALL your actions and accept the consquences of your decisions

(in reply to Skier)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Single Doms as Mentors - 8/28/2006 4:53:38 PM   
twicehappy


Posts: 2706
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ScooterTrash


quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

Perusing profiles I see many single (mostly male) Doms offering "mentoring". If you are looking for a mentor, why would you choose a single person? Wouldn't that be kind of like going to a priest for marriage counseling?


quote:

ORIGINAL: twicehappy
And yet if you are a good Catholic that is exactly where you would go, lol.

I am with you one this one. I would rather seek advice from a few trusted acquaintances who i knew to be well experienced with real time relationships.


quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross
I agree.  It would be a very rare single dom who would be interested and useful for mentoring to a single sub.

But then the odds aren't that good when they aren't single either- then they can go for threesomes and the golden fleece of bdsm- POLY!


OK, that does it..I want to see all three of you after class...lol.


Erin, LA, i think we were just threatened! So.....does this weekend sound good to you two? It is a holiday weekend. 

_____________________________

Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations.

The human heart is not a finite container but an ever expanding universe with all the stars contained there in.

(in reply to ScooterTrash)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Single Doms as Mentors - 8/28/2006 6:26:26 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: twicehappy
Erin, LA, i think we were just threatened! So.....does this weekend sound good to you two? It is a holiday weekend. 

ROFL- the semester hasn't even STARTED here yet and I'm being called after class.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to twicehappy)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Single Doms as Mentors - 8/28/2006 7:27:55 PM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: liljoy

i've always thought Dom should mentor Dom and sub should mentor sub


This is the way I've always seen it done -- how I apprenticed and how I've mentored.

I can offer a sub or bottom something else but I don't consider it mentoring because I can't honestly say I can offer any insights into the experience of being a sub/bottom.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to liljoy)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Single Doms as Mentors - 8/28/2006 7:34:22 PM   
pattiwild1


Posts: 3
Joined: 8/28/2006
Status: offline 		i have a Friend who answers many questions for me.  He is Dom and single and seems to be there to answer questions for many of the newer girls who attend the events.  He never seems to have anything but honest intentions. 

i think a mentor can be anyone, but do agree that it is important to do learning on our own.  i am responsible for my own choices afterall.

patti

_____________________________

Can you handle it?

(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Single Doms as Mentors - 8/28/2006 8:02:04 PM   
amayos


Posts: 1553
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: New England
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

Perusing profiles I see many single (mostly male) Doms offering "mentoring". If you are looking for a mentor, why would you choose a single person?


Why would you not?

One's ability to teach is not limited to or defined by their current mated status. Granted, you are no doubt touching upon a less scrupulous trend among some out there who would claim to be teachers and guides for ulterior motives, but I reject the notion that one's with girl / without girl standing is a reliable blot test for his relational advice. It is important to point out that for every form of "relationship" (of which there are many definitions), there is no doubt a mentor for it.

I think your last paragraph cut to the bottom of your slant; you do not believe in having a mentor. While I do concur with your "think for yourself" philosophy, a mentor and protégé relationship is in fact two viewpoints in dialog; yours and his. At least, that is the sort of mentor arrangement I have in mind when I think of a mentor.



< Message edited by amayos -- 8/28/2006 8:36:35 PM >

(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Single Doms as Mentors - 8/28/2006 8:52:59 PM   
reverendtorres


Posts: 51
Joined: 10/14/2005
Status: offline 		My mentor (and closest friend) happens to be a single dom, and he has not made a single move on me.  Finding someone like him is possible.

(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Single Doms as Mentors - 8/28/2006 9:05:00 PM   
Noah


Posts: 1660
Joined: 7/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

Perusing profiles I see many single (mostly male) Doms offering "mentoring". If you are looking for a mentor, why would you choose a single person? Wouldn't that be kind of like going to a priest for marriage counseling? It seems to me that if I were looking for a mentor, I would want it to be someone who is in a working and successful relationship. At least that way I would know that they had some kind of understanding of how to apply their "knowledge" in a real life manner.

I personally don't agree with having a "mentor" in that I believe that it confines oneself to a single viewpoint. I believe that people should use all who they come in contact with as mentors if you will...take what you can use and throw away the rest. Having a few good close acquaintances that you can bounce things off of adds balance also.


You seem to presume a lot and imagine little.

Can't a person who is single have plenty of experience in applying his or her knowledge in a real life manner? More experience than, say, you or I? Of course.

Have you considered that someone else's definition of "successful relationship" might include "... and which has been or will be concluded within six months {or six hours, if you will} with all parties satisfied."

And again, why presume that attending to a mentor who is single would confine you to one viewpoint? After all, you arrive with one viewpoint as it is. Even the narrowest sort of mentor is doubling the viewpoint count for you.

I'd expect that many mentors would themselves enjoy the benefit of having shared viewpoints broadly and deeply for some time and could pass this benefit along. I presume that many single mentors would encourage and direct (classic acts of mentoring) a mentee to access numerous points of view both directly and indirectly.

Then again I can imagine that not all aspiring mentees are after what you seem to imply is the whole point, guidance on making things work in the context of a well-rounded, long term, continuing relationship.

What is a person seeks from a mentor primarily technical knowledge? Will you have her choose the coupled mentor with inferior technical knowledge when a single mentor is available with superior technical knowledge?

How about this want ad: "Mentor wanted for beginner who wants to explore Shibari while minimizing risk of forming any long-term relationships."

Does she need a non-single mentor too, in your book?

There are unmarried people of various stripes who are able marriage counselors. When they undertake their study of the subject matter they are unfettered by biases adopted consciously or unconsciously in a marriage of their own making.

Additionally, mightn't it be blessdly uncomplicated to be mentored by someone whose partner, and whose relationship with his partner never has to enter into your considerations simply because they don't exist? Someone who might have more time and energy available for mentoring as a result?

In fact I asked a psyche nurse friend of mine about what seems to be the key idea in your post. She said that in the institution where she currently works it is not required for the staff to be mentally ill.



(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Single Doms as Mentors - 8/28/2006 10:26:10 PM   
CrappyDom


Posts: 1883
Joined: 4/11/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		I limit my mentoring to those dominants with only a decade or two of experience who desire to take their skills past the mundane and ordinary and into the extreme and extraordinary.  One of the things I think is very important to teach is modesty, a concept I have raised to a fine art.

(in reply to Sinergy)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Single Doms as Mentors - 8/28/2006 10:36:51 PM   
Elegant


Posts: 1024
Joined: 3/15/2005
Status: offline 		Written a few years ago..but still viable and still my opinion.


What Is Mentoring?
 
Mentoring is often a buzzword in business, industry, schools, faith based entities and leather communities but do we all mean the same thing when we talk about "mentoring"?  The terms, "mentor" and "mentoring" are used rather loosely to describe a wide range of roles and activities, and so the words have come to mean different things to different people. I actually find it humorous that this language debate pertaining to the concept of mentoring is frequent worldwide in more than just leather communities. Is there a Master Webster out there who cares to revise the entire dictionary for the leather community?
 
Dictionaries can only help us understand what mentoring means. Look up the word, "mentor", and you will most likely find that each dictionary has a slightly different definition. Generally the definitions contain two common elements:
~Trust: The mentor is a trusted individual
~Experience: The mentor is more experienced than the protégé and freely shares that experience with the protégé.
 
Now look at your thesaurus, and you will find that a mentor can also be thought of as a:
~Friend
~Advisor
~Coach
~Guide
~Teacher
~Role model
 
The origin of the word ‘Mentor’ can also be useful in defining mentoring. Greek Mythology holds the history of the word ‘Mentor’. Odysseus, the hero of Homer's Iliad, left home to fight in the Trojan War. Odysseus had a son, Telemachus. While Odysseus was off at war, the goddess of domestic arts, Athena, disguised herself as an old man, and became Telemachus' guardian and teacher. Her name was "Mentor".
 
The modern use of the term mentoring more likely comes from the work of 18th century French writer Fenelon who was also an educator. In addition, African scholars have noted that mentors were commonplace in Africa, long before the ancient Greek civilization.
 
Leaving the wordsmithing aside there is truly no hard and fast definition for mentoring that is supported by all. Generally it means pairing a learner with someone more senior and more experienced to offer support, encouragement and guidance. The key to mentoring is developing a one-to-one relationship with a goal of strengthening personal development. A mentor should be someone you can confide in, and ask for help in resolving a situation or making a decision. While mentoring should not be confused with coaching, counseling or training, it can contain an element of all these. A mentor is someone who acts as a role model, compatriat, challenger, guide or cheerleader.
 
Mentoring, no matter in what segment of society is it being practiced, is the balancing heart, mind and spirit.
 
Elegant
~slave to Master Archer
 
Past Executive Director of an affiliate of an international youth mentoring organization
 
Copyright January 29, 2003
 
 

(in reply to CrappyDom)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Single Doms as Mentors - 8/28/2006 10:38:07 PM   
Elegant


Posts: 1024
Joined: 3/15/2005
Status: offline 		Some concepts one might wish to contemplate when considering searching for a mentor or a protégé.

1. What type of mentoring relationship do you want?
-Educational Mentoring: Directly or indirectly aimed at teaching or improving some specific scholastic information or skill.
-Personal Development Mentoring: Supports the protégé during a stressful or critical developmental period of their life.
-Cultural Based Mentoring: Shares with the protégé the values, customs and practices of a particular culture, faith, group or tradition.

2. What lifestyle experiences/ length of time of the lifestyle do you find desirable for a mentor/protégé?

3. What age person would you prefer? Why?

4. What gender person would you prefer? Why?
Some people advocate only same gender relationships but this doesn't have to be the case. Even national youth mentoring programs now mix genders.

5. What BDSM orientation would you prefer?
ie: Dominant, Top, submissive, slave, bottom. Again, this is a subject of debate for many. Do consider what you wish to achieve from the relationship when making preference to personality.

6. What type of person will you not accept in a mentoring relationship?
ie: someone in a committed relationship, bigot, heterosexual, homosexual, etc.

7. Do you want to meet in person on a regularly scheduled basis? If so, how often?

8. Do you want to give/receive written and/or research assignments?

9. What are your goals for entering a mentoring relationship? (general and specific)

There are more facets that can be explored but this give you a general idea. The key is to have a quality mentoring relationship, one that produces significant, lasting, positive outcomes for protégées. Quality mentoring is responsible, ethical and usually effective.

_____________________________

Elegant
~Slave To Master Archer

http://www.FantasiesInLeather.com

(in reply to Elegant)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Single Doms as Mentors - 8/29/2006 4:38:59 AM   
twicehappy


Posts: 2706
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

ROFL- the semester hasn't even STARTED here yet and I'm being called after class.


Go figure!

_____________________________

Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations.

The human heart is not a finite container but an ever expanding universe with all the stars contained there in.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Single Doms as Mentors - 8/29/2006 5:05:34 AM   
Pimpernell


Posts: 198
Joined: 12/10/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

Perusing profiles I see many single (mostly male) Doms offering "mentoring". If you are looking for a mentor, why would you choose a single person?


I'd be more worried about being mentored by someone attached.  What needs are not being met by their relationship?  How do they have time to mentor someone if they are in a committed relationship?  Are they going to bring personal issues into the relationship?  Are they going to whip me to excess, because they are pissed off by something their boyfriend said?  Are we going to have romantic issues, because she feels she can do and say things she can't do with her husband?  But also, isn't it at some level cheating?

(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Single Doms as Mentors - 8/29/2006 7:03:21 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Pimpernell
I'd be more worried about being mentored by someone attached.  What needs are not being met by their relationship?  How do they have time to mentor someone if they are in a committed relationship?  Are they going to bring personal issues into the relationship?  Are they going to whip me to excess, because they are pissed off by something their boyfriend said?  Are we going to have romantic issues, because she feels she can do and say things she can't do with her husband?  But also, isn't it at some level cheating?

You seem to be defining "mentoring" as something far beyond the scope of what most people consider.  Most people mean mentoring as a guiding friendly hand. 

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Pimpernell)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Single Doms as Mentors - 8/29/2006 7:33:01 AM   
yourMissTress


Posts: 1665
Joined: 6/14/2005
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Pimpernell

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

Perusing profiles I see many single (mostly male) Doms offering "mentoring". If you are looking for a mentor, why would you choose a single person?


I'd be more worried about being mentored by someone attached.  What needs are not being met by their relationship?  How do they have time to mentor someone if they are in a committed relationship?  Are they going to bring personal issues into the relationship?  Are they going to whip me to excess, because they are pissed off by something their boyfriend said?  Are we going to have romantic issues, because she feels she can do and say things she can't do with her husband?  But also, isn't it at some level cheating?


Thank you for being a perfect example ...too many people use mentoring as synonymous with dominating.

_____________________________

Tress


"If you have to tell people that you are a lady, you are not." My Grandmother


(in reply to Pimpernell)
Profile   Post #: 40
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