RE: Is there a double standard in the community?

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

RE: Is there a double standard in the community?

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: Is there a double standard in the community?

Page: << < prev 1 [2] 3 next > >>

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

RE: Is there a double standard in the community? - 6/26/2006 6:52:47 AM

hizgeorgiapeach

Posts: 1672
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DomOrlMarried

On the other hand, a submissive female that is married that wishes to "explore" the lifestyle is also accpeted, whether or not she does so with her spouses approval.

You have a mistaken impression, here. Married and cheating is married and cheating - regardless of the gender or orientation of the person DOING the cheating. Married and playing with a spouce's knowledge and consent to the extramarital passtime is not cheating - regardless of gender and orientation.

The difference in acceptance is not gender - it is level of acceptance and consent of the non-BDSM spouce.

Unfortunately for people such as yourself, the preponderance is for us (female submissives) to run across married male dominants who have NOT clued in their spouce - yet say that they Have in order to be accepted. We've collectively learned over the years not to take "my wife knows that I play, and has no problem with it" at face value. Few of us want to be placed unknowingly in the catagory of "the other woman" or "the homewrecker," when faced with a spouce that WE were told knew all about it. While I can't say with any surity that single males dealing with married females also feel/think that way, I'm willing to bet that it holds water for them as well.

(*momentary hijack* HEYA ZOOT!!! LTNS girly! Yep, same rhi that you've known for a long time! *hijack over* )

_____________________________

Rhi
Light travels faster than sound, which is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Essential Scentsations

(in reply to DomOrlMarried)

Post #: 21

RE: Is there a double standard in the community? - 6/26/2006 6:59:02 AM

MasterR001

Posts: 76
Joined: 3/10/2006
Status: offline

I don't see much of a double standard being applied in the BDSM scene.

(in reply to LordTemporal)

Post #: 22

RE: Is there a double standard in the community? - 6/26/2006 6:59:09 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DomOrlMarried

...We call ourselves alternative lifestyle, yet we are only alternative in the areas we feel is right for us and still judge those that don't fit into our idea of "dominant/submissive". If someone could explain that to me, that would be appreicated...
Dominant Orlando Married

"alternative lifestyle" does not equal "anything goes and it's all good"...perhaps you seek an "anarchistic lifestyle" where no social rules or mores exist, where holy vows and sworn commitment are meaningless, where integrity is measured by the ability to run undetected under the radar. where anyone can do anything and it has no consequence.

because you receive answers from different people coming from different perspectives, that doesn't mean or shouldn't indicate any "community". do like some do, pick the ones you like, ignore the ones you don't and if it hits too close to home, resort to insults and/or blocking~that seems to be a popular way of interacting here.

(multi-colored response due to both of us actually responding in the same post!)

(in reply to DomOrlMarried)

Post #: 23

RE: Is there a double standard in the community? - 6/26/2006 7:02:15 AM

Irishblu

Posts: 61
Status: offline

If all parties involved are aware of what is going on and AGREE, then who are we to say it is "wrong"?

If there is deception, lies and cheating happening - no matter what lifestyle, kink or perversion you are into, it is wrong.

This is where my mantra of life stems from... HONESTY! I don't give a flying fig what it is, if you cannot be honest with me, then be gone. I have no tolerance or acceptance for anyone who isn't honest. It shows a huge lack of respect and to me not only is it disrespecting others but yourself. And if you cannot have respect for yourself, how can you expect others to have it for you?

I think this also comes under the category of TOLERANCE vs. ACCEPTANCE. Doesn't matter if you are a Dom/me or sub/slave, or as vanilla as they come, we all have limits of what we can or cannot tolerate or accept. That is the beauty of everyone being different. Life would be so dull and boring if we all agreed or liked the same thing.

Of course this is "my" opinion.

Be safe and be well.
irish

**edit** I meant to reply to the OP, not to anyone in particular

< Message edited by Irishblu -- 6/26/2006 7:05:53 AM >

(in reply to CreoleCook)

Post #: 24

RE: Is there a double standard in the community? - 6/26/2006 7:04:46 AM

MrDiscipline44

Posts: 1776
Joined: 1/5/2005
Status: offline

You can't please all of the people, all of the time. So fuck those assholes and only worry about those that touch your life. In the end, they are all that really matter.

For the record, I don't hate people who cheat on their spouses. I just don't trust them and can't invest trust in them. If your wife knows about the submissives you have had and will have..... great! Thats intirely different from a person that has a spouse that doesn't know and will never tell them. But thats how it is in my book.

_____________________________

If you love somebody, you have to be willing to break them.

Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach.

Have you slapped your slave today?

(in reply to DomOrlMarried)

Post #: 25

RE: Is there a double standard in the community? - 6/26/2006 7:07:05 AM

MsSonnetMarwood

Posts: 1898
Joined: 2/10/2005
From: Eastern Shore, Maryland
Status: offline

quote:

Unfortunately for people such as yourself, the preponderance is for us (female submissives) to run across married male dominants who have NOT clued in their spouce - yet say that they Have in order to be accepted. We've collectively learned over the years not to take "my wife knows that I play, and has no problem with it" at face value. Few of us want to be placed unknowingly in the catagory of "the other woman" or "the homewrecker," when faced with a spouce that WE were told knew all about it. While I can't say with any surity that single males dealing with married females also feel/think that way, I'm willing to bet that it holds water for them as well.

That actually goes for femdoms and male subs - whether or not "permission granted" is actually the case. I make it clear upfront that I will require an email from the spouse/partner ascertaining permission and what the parameters are before I will even talk at length with the sub, AND I will need to meet with the spouse/partner and the sub to confirm, AND the spouse/partner will have to sign contracts along with the sub.

While the initial email can be faked, they usually dont bother, but trundle off with their tail between the legs on the ground that its a "don't ask don't tell" situation.

Ultimately that's fine by me, because I'd REALLY have to be interested in a sub to bother going through all that.

< Message edited by MsSonnetMarwood -- 6/26/2006 7:11:41 AM >

_____________________________

~Ms. Sonnet Marwood~

Deja Moo: The feeling you've heard this bull somewhere before.

(in reply to hizgeorgiapeach)

Post #: 26

RE: Is there a double standard in the community? - 6/26/2006 7:10:52 AM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

One of the few universal principles that seem to exist in the lifestyle is the one of consent. We come down hard on individuals that take actions that do not have the consent of their partners. It always surprize me that those that are cheating don't seem to understand that not only are they lying and dishonest, they are also taking action that they have no consent for. They are putting their partners at a risk that they have no knowledge of or have given consent to. These same people show by action that they only need your consent only if they can't get what they want any other way. They are weak when it comes to honesty, simple as that. I couldn't care less if they are female or male. I laugh at these poor souls that whine and snivel because they are not understood or accepted for their dishonesty or lies. I actually have more respect for those that are accepting of the fact that they are lying and not whining about some sort of injustice. They have at least the strength to accept the truth of what they are doing if not the strength to be honest with their partner.

It's amazing to me that cheaters whine and snivel like cowards because they not accepted and tolerated for their lack of stength and honesty. Are we to Admire the weak? Are we to accept the weak? Should ones vows be of little importance? I do know some individuals who are committed by marriage vows where one partner engages in the lifestyle and other does not. But, all partners are aware of what is occuring and consent to it. I must say that I have alot respect for the individuals that are married or otherwise commited to their kinky partners and encourage and support their partners. It is clearly a impressive and inspiring as well. The first time I played my bottom denika her husband watched. He has been to several play parties where I have played denika. In the time that I have known him he has tried to do alittle Topping. But, even after the exposure and trying it alittle, He is not much into the BDSM. It's just not his thing, and the D/s part... Way to much work from his way of thinking. He loves life and loves his wife even more. Their relationship is indeed inspiring.... maybe because they are so honest and accepting to each other.

I think it's great that your wife is aware of what you done in the past. But, I am unclear from your post, is she consenting of what you doing in the present and intend to do in the future? The answer makes all the difference in the world to me.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to DomOrlMarried)

Post #: 27

RE: Is there a double standard in the community? - 6/26/2006 7:26:38 AM

sweetbbwsub31

Posts: 331
Joined: 3/22/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

One of the few universal principles that seem to exist in the lifestyle is the one of consent. We come down hard on individuals that take actions that do not have the consent of their partners. It always surprize me that those that are cheating don't seem to understand that not only are they lying and dishonest, they are also taking action that they have no consent for. They are putting their partners at a risk that they have no knowledge of or have given consent to. These same people show by action that they only need your consent only if they can't get what they want any other way. They are weak when it comes to honesty, simple as that. I couldn't care less if they are female or male. I laugh at these poor souls that whine and snivel because they are not understood or accepted for their dishonesty or lies. I actually have more respect for those that are accepting of the fact that they are lying and not whining about some sort of injustice. They have at least the strength to accept the truth of what they are doing if not the strength to be honest with their partner.

It's amazing to me that cheaters whine and snivel like cowards because they not accepted and tolerated for their lack of stength and honesty. Are we to Admire the weak? Are we to accept the weak? Should ones vows be of little importance? I do know some individuals who are committed by marriage vows where one partner engages in the lifestyle and other does not. But, all partners are aware of what is occuring and consent to it. I must say that I have alot respect for the individuals that are married or otherwise commited to their kinky partners and encourage and support their partners. It is clearly a impressive and inspiring as well. The first time I played my bottom denika her husband watched. He has been to several play parties where I have played denika. In the time that I have known him he has tried to do alittle Topping. But, even after the exposure and trying it alittle, He is not much into the BDSM. It's just not his thing, and the D/s part... Way to much work from his way of thinking. He loves life and loves his wife even more. Their relationship is indeed inspiring.... maybe because they are so honest and accepting to each other.

I think it's great that your wife is aware of what you done in the past. But, I am unclear from your post, is she consenting of what you doing in the present and intend to do in the future? The answer makes all the difference in the world to me.

What a phenominal post KnightofMists! You plucked a lot of thoughts right out of my head. I believe that the sky is the limit as long as all parties involved have full disclosure. My situation is very similar to your denika. I am in a ltr (soon to be married) with a vanilla man who is supportive of my need to serve. He dabbles in BDSM but at this time prefers me to find my Dom elsewhere. He amazes me because he sees that my needs are getting met and he is strong enough to trust in the fact that he can not meet them at this time. He knows where I am and who I am with at all times. It works for us. I am not a manogomous person and I never will be. It's those that enter into a vanilla marriage and then hide their kink side that I have very little respect for.

sub tara

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 28

RE: Is there a double standard in the community? - 6/26/2006 8:03:14 AM

ADomDoc

Posts: 312
Joined: 11/8/2005
From: San Antonio
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DomOrlMarried
A dominant with a sub/slave even though not married can ask his sub/slave to find another for them to play with or for he himself to play with solo and that is acceptable in the community as a dominant that is teaching his submissive the art of not being jealous.

I'm not a believer in jealousy (it is a selfish, infantile, insecure emotion), and I have no problems w/ couples who both are seeking threesomes or poly relationships ... it's a valid alternative for a small percentage of folks.

However, the vast majority of Doms tasking their subs/slaves to troll for another sub for him are generally showing their own selfish, infantile sides. They want their cake & to eat it too. For them, it's nothing about "teaching their subs to not be jealous" ... that's merely a ruse to get some strange pussy. And they reason that a female recommending a male to another female will have better results than that guy going out & trying to find another sub on his own.

quote:

On the other hand, a submissive female that is married that wishes to "explore" the lifestyle is also accpeted, whether or not she does so with her spouses approval.

Since when? Cheating is cheating! It hurts your relationship (even if the partner doesn't know). It shows one's lack of integrity. I like strange pussy as much as anyone, but would not consider any sort of relationship with a female/sub/slave who I know to have a significant other without his full knowledge and permission.

quote:

But however, A Married Dominant who's wife is vanilla, and she understands the lifestyle probably as well if not better than most of the people here, but herself can not be anymore than she is, and knows her spouse helps subs/slaves experience the things they desire online and at times in real life, he himself is considered a fake, lowlife scum.

Frankly, I'd understand a relationship where one is clearly vanilla but allows/tolerates the other an outside BdSm relationship ... as long as the full extent of that relationship is clearly understood by all concerned. None of us can be everything to everyone ... and often not everything to even one. We all have mulitple aspects to our personalities. And while a "soulmate" would be nice ... it would be horrid to have someone who is identical to ourselves! Sure, a clone would be understanding ... but so, so boring. We all need multiple stimuli to flourish.

The measure of lowlife scumbag comes in the cheating. If the spouse doesn't know the whole truth ... then ... Wear the scumbag if it fits. There are plenty of lowlife scumbags who are married & don't cheat.

quote:

We call ourselves alternative lifestyle, yet we are only alternative in the areas we feel is right for us and still judge those that don't fit into our idea of "dominant/submissive".

Folks in the BdSm scene are some of the most intolerant people I've ever known. It's always "I have an alternative lifestyle & what I do is a normal variant & fun & healthy expression of my love & sexual diversity. Tra la la"
Whereas, "YOU are a sick, disgusting criminal pervert because you do those other nasty repulsive things."
It's rare that you'll find someone in BdSm who is accepting of alternatives in which s/he has no personal interest.

quote:

My wife is aware of what I have done in the past. Those that I associate in the lifestyle, understand my life, and the limitations I offer, yet we are still judged.

The only reason you should have any concern w/ what others say is if it has a ring of truth. Does wifey know what you are doing NOW? And does she know the whole truth ... or just a sugar-coated report of what she is willing to accept?

If you are up front to everyone that you are married ... and your spouse knows all that you are doing & is comfortable with that ... and you aren't damaging your marriage OR you kids ... then what those other scumbags think isn't worth a bucket of warm spit.

There are some folks who prefer relationships w/ someone who is married (usually cuz they are also married & want something on the side but don't want to lose their marriage). Unfortunately, they are often cheating on their spouses!

Cheating never works ... this is not a moral judgment ... it invariably hurts yourself as well as your relationship. But folks never realize that while they are young, dumb & full of cum.

(in reply to DomOrlMarried)

Post #: 29

RE: Is there a double standard in the community? - 6/26/2006 8:11:29 AM

caitlyn

Posts: 3473
Joined: 12/22/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DomOrlMarried
My wife is aware of what I have done in the past. Those that I associate in the lifestyle, understand my life, and the limitations I offer, yet we are still judged.

Two points come to mind. The first is that you seem to have acceptance from the only people that really matter. The second is that somehow the judgement of others seems to matter to you, and perhaps it really shouldn't.

(in reply to DomOrlMarried)

Post #: 30

RE: Is there a double standard in the community? - 6/26/2006 8:18:51 AM

Caretakr

Posts: 1221
Joined: 6/24/2006
Status: offline

People will always condemn dishonesty.

But the only double standard I see is that females in the scene tend to be coddled and tolerated more for thier drama and whining than men-as the 'weaker sex'. But will still be taken to task for engaging in harmful behavior when breaking thier wedding vows,even so.

The real reason that married men who cheat are considered scum, is the same reason any male or female is considered to be human garbage. They decieve others in a selfish manner to have thier "needs" met. Waste people's time, and do them emotional damage.

And there is nothing justifiable about that-no matter how one tries to rationalize it.

(in reply to DomOrlMarried)

Post #: 31

RE: Is there a double standard in the community? - 6/26/2006 8:26:13 AM

Wulfchyld

Posts: 2618
Joined: 12/7/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: caitlyn

Two points come to mind. The first is that you seem to have acceptance from the only people that really matter. The second is that somehow the judgement of others seems to matter to you, and perhaps it really shouldn't.

Damut girl. There you go blowing the stereotypes of the twisted reality. Brains and beauty = favorites list.

_____________________________

Loki, forum god of Mischief

Submission is not a gift... it is plunder!
Where there is a whip, there is a way!
Dom/mes of a feather, beat the f*ck out of slaves together

(in reply to caitlyn)

Post #: 32

RE: Is there a double standard in the community? - 6/26/2006 8:26:54 AM

NINASHARP

Posts: 295
Joined: 4/23/2006
From: NJ/NYC
Status: offline

People can be judgmental for all sorts of things. I've seen and experienced my fair share of judgement in both Vanilla and BDSM. I can lay down tons of reasons I have been judged through out my life, having a child at young age, getting a divorce, wearing high heel shoes, being a Mistress, being a slave to a married (open marriage) older man, and the list goes on and on and on.

My suggestion would be try not to internalize it. People judge, it is human nature to do so. I try not to but got to admit when I looked at your profile and saw you checked your age as 40 and yet you went on to say that your a '42 Year old Married Domiant in Orlando', for a moment I judged your true age, and the obvious typo you made, thinking you mispelled the word dominant, but whatever. Then I saw your weight and then your height, I thought another typo, or you are so thin, you are almost invisible. I then wondered, are you for Real?? Who cares what I think? I don't know you. You shouldn't care what people think, just worry about what those close to you think, thats all that really matters.

Nina

(in reply to DomOrlMarried)

Post #: 33

RE: Is there a double standard in the community? - 6/26/2006 8:32:35 AM

kittensmailbox

Posts: 744
Joined: 1/7/2005
From: Youngstown, Ohio
Status: offline

As far as i am concern Sir, As long as the wife knows it is OK for You...

i for one am not interested in a married man only because i have been there before and in my experience, the submissive always has to take a back seat...

_____________________________

~softly smiles

~lowers her eyes in respect~

~kitten

(in reply to DomOrlMarried)

Post #: 34

RE: Is there a double standard in the community? - 6/26/2006 8:47:35 AM

peterK50

Posts: 433
Joined: 1/12/2006
Status: offline

There are double standards everwhere. It's a "campaign contribution" not a bribe. [sigh] I'm afraid it's the zeitgeist of the community that makes it hard on married men rather then double standards. Perhaps they'll change someday, but I wouldn't count on it.

_____________________________

Religion Is About Seeking Knowledge, Not Knowing All The Answers.

(in reply to LordTemporal)

Post #: 35

RE: Is there a double standard in the community? - 6/26/2006 9:02:20 AM

caitlyn

Posts: 3473
Joined: 12/22/2004
Status: offline

Well, thanks for the kind comments, but I don't know if "brains" really applies, as much as a belief that everyone should a) mind their own businees, b) judge not, lest ye be judged.

True ... some will say that the original poster opened himself to this when he posted here. Perhaps a counter might be ... "Well, he can't resist the temptation of cheating, and other can't resist the temptation of calling a total stranger out on a message board."

Not sure which is worse.

(in reply to Wulfchyld)

Post #: 36

RE: Is there a double standard in the community? - 6/26/2006 10:03:36 AM

Proprietrix

Posts: 756
Joined: 7/15/2005
From: Ohio/West Virginia
Status: offline

Here’s my stance on it:
I won’t be involved with a married person unless 1) their spouse is aware, 2) their spouse is OK with it, and 3) their spouse is willing to talk to me.
Those are requirements.
I prefer that the spouse is actually even more involved then just talking. Be that on a simple friendship level with me, or actually exploring the scene with the spouse, or even being in a poly relationship with the married couple.
Neither spouse’s gender or sex is a factor in those requirements or preferences.

I don’t believe in cheating or dishonesty. I define cheating as stepping out on one’s primary partner, without that partner’s consent and/or knowledge to have one’s desires met (mainly sexual desires, kink desires and in some instances emotional intimacy desires). I define dishonesty as not only lying, but also deception and the withholding of information that the other partner might not approve of.

If any of what I have written here can be construed as having a double standard, then I proudly stand guilty as charged.

_____________________________

IMO, IMHO, YMMV, AFAIK, to me, I see it as, from my perspective, it's been my experience, I only speak for myself, (and all other disclaimers here).

(in reply to DomOrlMarried)

Post #: 37

RE: Is there a double standard in the community? - 6/26/2006 10:10:02 AM

Wulfchyld

Posts: 2618
Joined: 12/7/2005
Status: offline

Really I don't see how it is such a dilemma. If you’re married and up front about, as Proprietrix pointed, your spouse will confirm your relationship. Woes be the fibber, the mail on the other side will be smoking!

_____________________________

Loki, forum god of Mischief

Submission is not a gift... it is plunder!
Where there is a whip, there is a way!
Dom/mes of a feather, beat the f*ck out of slaves together

(in reply to Proprietrix)

Post #: 38

RE: Is there a double standard in the community? - 6/26/2006 10:13:35 AM

michaelGA2

Posts: 1533
Joined: 4/26/2006
Status: offline

ever notice that, when someone rants and others don't agree...automatically it's a "pity party"? is this the mentality of humanity these days?

_____________________________

Are we having fun, yet?

(in reply to LordTemporal)

Post #: 39

RE: Is there a double standard in the community? - 6/26/2006 10:32:06 AM

ExistentialSteel

Posts: 676
Joined: 1/18/2005
Status: offline

Yeah, as LordTemporal mentioned, I zeroed in on the "training" aspects. So you have trained many subs and let them move on. Just how did you "train" them? We have had threads laughing at the concept. You played with them without committment and said bye. As far as the other part, the only ones who complain are the subs who don't want to play with married Doms which is their right. Yep, I'm sure there are lots of them who don't want married men or any form of poly.

_____________________________

For those who are like Roman Candles leaving bright trails in the night sky while the crowd watches until the dark blue center light bursts into magnificent colors and the crowd goes, ahhhhhhhhhh.

(in reply to LordTemporal)

Post #: 40

Page: << < prev 1 [2] 3 next > >>

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: Is there a double standard in the community?

Page: << < prev 1 [2] 3 next > >>

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.125