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How to handle friends/relatives that don't understand? - 4/9/2011 11:04:22 PM

LoveSparkie

Posts: 56
Joined: 12/17/2010
Status: offline

Oh my this is the 3rd post I've made...I must be filled with questions tonight.

Anyway, I have explained a little to friends and family my desire to have a dominant role in my life and they usually just assume I want a "husband". So I started wondering, what happens when I start actually living this lifestyle? What happens when I finally meet that dom/master I want to be with? What happens with I am owned (if ever)? What do I tell my family/friends?

I am not one to hide things. I am an open book. Strangely enough, especially with my mother...I have always and continue to tell her everything.

BUT considering I was once in a very controlling and abusive relationship, I fear that my loved ones will view my relationship with my future Master as being another abusive one.

_____________________________

"You'll never know the good with out the bad.
It's not until you experience pain that you will know pleasure.
It's not until you experience heartbreak that you will know true love.
It's when you face death, that you truly love life."
~Sparkie~

Post #: 1

RE: How to handle friends/relatives that don't understand? - 4/9/2011 11:26:33 PM

Selectivelight

Posts: 191
Joined: 9/30/2010
Status: offline

My advice would be to express yourself clearly and concisely. Express that it makes you happy, that it's something you wanted, and that you're comfortable with it. Let them know where things stand, and that you wanted it that way.

The people closest to you probably won't look at your relationship, or your partner with disdain. If they do, you can always take a more adamant approach and remind them that you are quite capable of living your own life, and while they might not understand what you do, they should respect your ability to decide for yourself.

(in reply to LoveSparkie)

Post #: 2

RE: How to handle friends/relatives that don't understand? - 4/9/2011 11:43:46 PM

SpiritedRadiance

Posts: 1341
Joined: 3/3/2010
Status: offline

A few references you can look into are "When someone you love is kinky" an amazingly helpful book...As well as look online for articles on coming out or How to tell someone your gay. While you would talk about different things, you do have to explain similar things like. This is what makes me happy. I am doing this informed, I do know the risks.

_____________________________

"Theres nothing in life like the feeling of cool leather sliding over your skin, the tears that fill your eyes as you realize someone else thinks you deserve it even if you havent reached that conclusion yet"- Forever to remember 11/5/11

(in reply to Selectivelight)

Post #: 3

RE: How to handle friends/relatives that don't understand? - 4/10/2011 12:23:17 AM

Asherscorp1

Posts: 143
Joined: 3/6/2011
Status: offline

I've run into this problem in my life too. My previous choice in men was not stellar to say the least, my naturally submissive nature made me perfect to be used as a doormat since I wasn't self-aware enough to know what I really wanted and just ended up being used. When my relationship with M became serious my friends at first worried about him just being another jerk. However, the more they saw how truly happy I am, how well M and I fit together, the more they began to accept that my relationship, odd as it may seem is really good for me. The best thing for anyone skeptical was just time to witness this. This was just with my closest friends though, to most of the world a D/s relationship really isn't all that noticeable from an ordinary one. Most couples don't use terms such as Master or slave in public after all and if you are somewhat more attentive than most women are to the needs/desires of your partner most people will probably just take it as a sign of how much you love him. I sometimes sit at Master's feet even when we are visiting friends but even this doesn't occaision comment in our circles, it's just thought to be cute. I would say that you needn't worry about the vast majority of people noticing anything and those that do will eventually only see how healthy and fulfilled you are.

_____________________________

"The path to slavery is so narrow that two cannot walk upon it at the same time, hence why the slave must crawl behind." -- Unknown

(in reply to SpiritedRadiance)

Post #: 4

RE: How to handle friends/relatives that don't understand? - 4/10/2011 3:43:42 AM

porcelaine

Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LoveSparkie

Anyway, I have explained a little to friends and family my desire to have a dominant role in my life and they usually just assume I want a "husband". So I started wondering, what happens when I start actually living this lifestyle? What happens when I finally meet that dom/master I want to be with? What happens with I am owned (if ever)? What do I tell my family/friends?

Greetings,

i don't understand the talk show confessionals that people feel inclined to impress upon their friends and loved ones. i can't think of many folks that would love to know that you're being dominated or getting spanked. In fact, it broaches very close to tmi and then some. At best, say you're looking for a traditional relationship with a man that has old fashioned values and leave it at that. i think there's a huge difference in making a modest statement about your relationship and offering one that goes into explicit detail.

quote:

I am not one to hide things. I am an open book. Strangely enough, especially with my mother...I have always and continue to tell her everything.

my family knows i'm a 'surrendered woman'. Now what that entails is a completely different discussion. i fill in the blanks on a need to know basis. Nonetheless my mother and daughter are aware of my BDSM practices and neither take issue with them.

As for your open book policy...

Just because i can do something doesn't mean i should. my silence is an exercise in good discernment and a demonstration of the respect i have for them as individuals and their sensibilities. i don't expect them to understand this. And i love them too much to rub their face in my lifestyle for some misguided theatrical statement that is better left unsaid.

Given your previous experiences i cannot fathom why you'd open this can of worms. They'll recollect the past whenever he crosses their path. i'd shy away from providing detailed information unless you wish to be subjected to endless questions regarding your safety and the like.

Namaste,

~porcelaine

_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to LoveSparkie)

Post #: 5

RE: How to handle friends/relatives that don't understand? - 4/10/2011 3:59:23 AM

Focus50

Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LoveSparkie

Oh my this is the 3rd post I've made...I must be filled with questions tonight.

Anyway, I have explained a little to friends and family my desire to have a dominant role in my life and they usually just assume I want a "husband". So I started wondering, what happens when I start actually living this lifestyle? What happens when I finally meet that dom/master I want to be with? What happens with I am owned (if ever)? What do I tell my family/friends?

I am not one to hide things. I am an open book. Strangely enough, especially with my mother...I have always and continue to tell her everything.

BUT considering I was once in a very controlling and abusive relationship, I fear that my loved ones will view my relationship with my future Master as being another abusive one.

What you do is find the right balance of who NEEDS to know what about *you*....

Or am I to assume this "I am not one to hide things" literal philosophy means you openly conduct sexual relations in front of friends and family alike? 'Cause you look waaaaay too "sweet-sixteen" and/or "Mary-Anne" in your pic for me to believe that. (a compliment, btw)

Those who care about you will want you to be happy - something that stands out either way. As long as the relationship you choose reflects that state of being, that's all friends & family need to know.

Be a good girl and spare them the gory details.... lol

Focus.

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to LoveSparkie)

Post #: 6

RE: How to handle friends/relatives that don't understand? - 4/10/2011 4:05:17 AM

Termyn8or

Posts: 18681
Joined: 11/12/2005
Status: offline

So as to keep my thoughts "pure" I respond to the OP now.

So Mom's coming over. Well let me help you wash the blood off. Should we put the sawedoff shotgun away dear ? What about these plants and this guy staying in the basement ? What do you want to make, make something she made in the old days, and try to do it better. You never will, and she might just sayso, but I will hug you and squeeze you in front of her. This works great because she thinks I am eating something unpalatable and praising you for it. Only one Mother out of a thousand doesn't fall for that. Guess which kind I got ?

Yup, it was damn hard to get away with shit when I was a kid, but I managed. She saw me playing with chains when I was about seven. Didn't say a word, but like you I wondered what she was thinking. I got it figured out.

Your Mother is a Mother FIRST. Whatever you do and whatever you are she will always accept you. You avoid laying it on the line out of respect, that you don't want to fuck her world all up. But will it ? No.

And it is the same with everyone in your life, they either accept you or they don't. If not, oh well, there's the door. Mom, and your family and chosen family won't take the door. Anyone who doesn't accept you for who and what you are does not accept you. Pretty simple when you put it that way huh ?

Don't live the facade, the bullshit, the image. Live YOU.

Now I might read the rest of this thread, maybe, but that had to be said,

I think.

T^T

(in reply to LoveSparkie)

Post #: 7

RE: How to handle friends/relatives that don't understand? - 4/10/2011 4:53:29 AM

NocturnalStalker

Posts: 3858
Joined: 12/4/2010
Status: offline

If you were my kid I'd disown you.

But you see, I'm a jerk-off.

_____________________________

"The road I walk is paved in gold to glorify my platinum soul."

(in reply to Termyn8or)

Post #: 8

RE: How to handle friends/relatives that don't understand? - 4/10/2011 5:19:03 AM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

~I have not read any other responses, so if I repeat what was already said, forgive me~

I can't understand this drive to 'explain to everyone' what goes on in someone's personal life.

If they ask, then tell them. Otherwise, it's no one else's business who you hook up with or how the two of you conduct your own personal relationship.

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.

(in reply to LoveSparkie)

Post #: 9

RE: How to handle friends/relatives that don't understand? - 4/10/2011 6:04:31 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

The acid test will be how you feel and the vibrations you give off. If everyone can see you're afraid of your man and unhappy, they won't care if he seems good to you. Similarly, if you seem loving and content in your relationship, they will accept that the relationship may not be something they can fully understand.

To a vanilla, the public relationship shouldn't appear that unusual. You might get your Dom a glass of water and perform other small acts of service publicly, but a Dom won't do anything flagrant.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to IrishMist)

Post #: 10

RE: How to handle friends/relatives that don't understand? - 4/10/2011 6:16:57 AM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

why do you need to tell them anything?

My family knows I am attracted to dominant personality, take charge kinda men. They're absolutely fine with that...it's simply a traditional relationship where I come from..man as head of household.

They know I like kinky sex only because around the kitchen table with the girl talk and a few drinks sex usually comes up as a conversation at some time....they just laugh, shake their heads and think I'm crazy and we continue on with life.

They don't need to know that you like to be beat or spanked. They don't need to know that you call him your Dom/Master/Daddy/whatever....

And to be honest they probably don't wanna know.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 11

RE: How to handle friends/relatives that don't understand? - 4/10/2011 6:29:48 AM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline

This'll depend entirely on how happy you are. If you presented a *happy face* in your other relationship, yet weren't, you might have a bit of convincing to do.

You aren't living this *lifestyle* yet, so why worry about how to present it? You are looking at things to worry about before they've even arisen.

You have no idea how life living with M/s will be shaped, you have no idea what man will be part of it. Let life come as it may and deal with it when and if it does.

agirl

_____________________________

See how easy it can be?

(in reply to LoveSparkie)

Post #: 12

RE: How to handle friends/relatives that don't understand? - 4/10/2011 6:52:54 AM

Muttling

Posts: 1612
Joined: 9/30/2007
Status: offline

quote:

I am not one to hide things. I am an open book. Strangely enough, especially with my mother...I have always and continue to tell her everything.

May I ask you this.......Have you always told your mother all of the explicit details of your sexual activities? Have you always told her immediately when you start having sex with a new boyfriend?

Kink is no different and just as a respectful boyfriend isn't going to brag about your sexual activities to your family, a master isn't going to be as in character in front of them (it's not socially appropriate, there's a time and place for everything.)

I have a couple of BDSM friends who are "out", but it's more of their families knowing that they are a part of the community then them acting non-vanilla in a family setting.

(in reply to LoveSparkie)

Post #: 13

RE: How to handle friends/relatives that don't understand? - 4/10/2011 7:36:48 AM

lizi

Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline

Why would they need to know? It's your business what you do in private, no one elses. My family has no idea what I do in the bedroom and I'm going to keep it that way. What they see on the outside is a loving couple that treats each other respectfully, that's all. Two of my closest friends know my whole story for various reasons (one figured it out on her own) and I don't intend on expanding that circle of knowledge anytime soon.

Why would you want to give the people who love you a reason to get their undies in a bunch? They probably won't understand much about it and they will worry, don't do that to them. My adult sons would make sure my boyfriend's body was never found if they knew more private things about us, so I don't tell them and I make sure I keep anything that would tip them off under wraps. It's really that simple.

(in reply to LoveSparkie)

Post #: 14

RE: How to handle friends/relatives that don't understand? - 4/10/2011 8:53:38 AM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline

My daughter was in her 20's when she fell in love and lost her virginity. She told me before, and reiterated after. lol I am torn between the TMI because I am her mother, and the "great" because my daughters are also my friends.
I would never have told my mom.
I am leaning toward TMI.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Muttling
May I ask you this.......Have you always told your mother all of the explicit details of your sexual activities? Have you always told her immediately when you start having sex with a new boyfriend?

_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley

(in reply to Muttling)

Post #: 15

RE: How to handle friends/relatives that don't understand? - 4/10/2011 9:05:37 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Don't tell, show.

Allow them to see your relationship and make up their own mind. Which in fact, they will anyway. If what they see is you being treated well, being taken care of, being treated with love and respect and caring, they'll approve of him.

If however you choose an idiot who calls you derogatory names in front of your mother, they will strongly disapprove of him as they should. Basically they just want to see that you're happy and better off with him than you were before. As for what you choose to tell people, just don't use the buzzwords like slave and master. Say that he worries about you wandering around all night so he's protecting you by keeping you safe instead. That your eating habits were irregular, that you tended to skip meals and get headaches as a result so now he pushes you to eat at normal times. If you can talk about the vanilla activities in good and positive terms, that's all anyone else should care about.

And unless your mother tends to come downstairs and tell you over breakfast how your father face fucked her, I'm not sure you need to share specifics of your sexual activities. If there are bruises, you could just say that the sex got a little energetic and was well worth it.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to Missokyst)

Post #: 16

RE: How to handle friends/relatives that don't understand? - 4/10/2011 9:38:05 AM

Muttling

Posts: 1612
Joined: 9/30/2007
Status: offline

I've got a great mother daughter story for you.    I was talking to a coworker who I had worked with for many years and was open with. She told me that she had never owned a vibrator.

For her birthday, I took her to the adult toy store and made her pick one out for me to buy her.    She put it in her backpack and forgot about it.

A few days later, her twin daughters found it.   They were like, "OMG, our mom can NOT have one of these!!!!"     So they went out and bought her a better one.

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 17

RE: How to handle friends/relatives that don't understand? - 4/10/2011 9:39:19 AM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: porcelaine

quote:

ORIGINAL: LoveSparkie

Anyway, I have explained a little to friends and family my desire to have a dominant role in my life and they usually just assume I want a "husband". So I started wondering, what happens when I start actually living this lifestyle? What happens when I finally meet that dom/master I want to be with? What happens with I am owned (if ever)? What do I tell my family/friends?

Greetings,

i don't understand the talk show confessionals that people feel inclined to impress upon their friends and loved ones. i can't think of many folks that would love to know that you're being dominated or getting spanked. In fact, it broaches very close to tmi and then some. At best, say you're looking for a traditional relationship with a man that has old fashioned values and leave it at that. i think there's a huge difference in making a modest statement about your relationship and offering one that goes into explicit detail.

quote:

I am not one to hide things. I am an open book. Strangely enough, especially with my mother...I have always and continue to tell her everything.

my family knows i'm a 'surrendered woman'. Now what that entails is a completely different discussion. i fill in the blanks on a need to know basis. Nonetheless my mother and daughter are aware of my BDSM practices and neither take issue with them.

As for your open book policy...

Just because i can do something doesn't mean i should. my silence is an exercise in good discernment and a demonstration of the respect i have for them as individuals and their sensibilities. i don't expect them to understand this. And i love them too much to rub their face in my lifestyle for some misguided theatrical statement that is better left unsaid.

Given your previous experiences i cannot fathom why you'd open this can of worms. They'll recollect the past whenever he crosses their path. i'd shy away from providing detailed information unless you wish to be subjected to endless questions regarding your safety and the like.

Namaste,

~porcelaine

From an oposite perspective the lovely lady speaks my mind. I don't understand the need to tell anyone outside a relationship, relationship details.

I've heard way more of the details of my parents' relationships than I ever wanted to know. I am 48almost49. My children are aged 31almost32 and 30. I am very close to my kids. However, they do NOT tell me the intimate details of their relationships. That is their personal business. All I care about is that they are happy in that relationship.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to porcelaine)

Post #: 18

RE: How to handle friends/relatives that don't understand? - 4/10/2011 9:55:45 AM

Aynne88

Posts: 3873
Joined: 8/29/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

why do you need to tell them anything?

My family knows I am attracted to dominant personality, take charge kinda men. They're absolutely fine with that...it's simply a traditional relationship where I come from..man as head of household.

They know I like kinky sex only because around the kitchen table with the girl talk and a few drinks sex usually comes up as a conversation at some time....they just laugh, shake their heads and think I'm crazy and we continue on with life.

They don't need to know that you like to be beat or spanked. They don't need to know that you call him your Dom/Master/Daddy/whatever....

And to be honest they probably don't wanna know.

Exactly this. Why would anyone be an open book with their parents or family about what goes on in their really private lives? Can't you just let them know you like an old fashioned or male led relationship and not have to go all the way to shock value with them? Do you want to know details about your parents sex life or if your Dad liked to spank your mother with a paddle?

_____________________________

As long as people will shed the blood of innocent creatures there can be no peace, no liberty, no harmony between people. Slaughter and justice cannot dwell together.
—Isaac Bashevis Singer, writer and Nobel laureate (1902–1991)

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 19

RE: How to handle friends/relatives that don't understand? - 4/10/2011 10:21:39 AM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

They either accept you for who you authentically are or else they don't like who you authentically are and then you distance yourself from them.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to LoveSparkie)

Post #: 20

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