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RE: How to handle friends/relatives that don't understand? - 4/10/2011 10:57:28 AM   
Palliata


Posts: 371
Joined: 8/9/2010
Status: offline 		I personally am an intensely private person.There's virtually no one I tell everything to, and my parents aren't the exception. My mother pieced it together when she stumbled across a rattan cane and a paddle laying somewhere they shouldn't've been, and makes little oblique jokes about it from time to time, but she's a product of the flower child generation so I could pretty much be freebasing and she wouldn't care as long as I seem happy and intact.

Overall I feel like the only person who deserves to know, or even should know, everything about you is your partner. The rest of the world can take their version of the truth and be happy with it, or else try to put the puzzle together on their own.


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RE: How to handle friends/relatives that don't understand? - 4/10/2011 11:03:58 AM   
BKSir


Posts: 4037
Joined: 4/8/2008
From: Salt Lake City, UT
Status: offline 		Well, one, they're big boys and girls and grown ups in this wild world. They can either ask frank and candid questions and expect frank and candid answers, or they can go do the research on their own, OR they can sit there wallowing in their own ignorance. Their choice, not yours. Two, they don't need to approve, as you're an adult too. Your choice, not theirs.

You know... to be blunt about it and all. ;)

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RE: How to handle friends/relatives that don't understand? - 4/10/2011 11:32:56 AM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: BKSir

Well, one, they're big boys and girls and grown ups in this wild world. They can either ask frank and candid questions and expect frank and candid answers, or they can go do the research on their own, OR they can sit there wallowing in their own ignorance. Their choice, not yours. Two, they don't need to approve, as you're an adult too. Your choice, not theirs.

You know... to be blunt about it and all. ;)


This brought up another aspect that i forgot to touch on before. I would never lie. If anyone asked me a question about kink and they were someone I cared for and valued as part of my life, I would tell them the truth because I am NOT ashamed of what I am and how I choose to live. Therefore I make sure that I don't do things or have things out that would invite uncomfortable questions.

If you live openly and unashamedly you have nothing to be scared of. No one really looks underneath if you are offering them everything they need to know upfront. As others have said, if they see the relationship is a good one and makes you happy that is what your loved ones want to know. This is coming from a woman that wears a Ring of Steel Stealth Collar 24/7. No one in my life questions it or has been offended, they think it's a nice gift from my boyfriend that is meaningful to me - and that is exactly what I have told them.

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RE: How to handle friends/relatives that don't understand? - 4/10/2011 2:10:31 PM   
Toppingfrmbottom


Posts: 6528
Joined: 6/7/2009
Status: offline 		I don't hide who I am or what I am or the relationship I have, I've called my partner Daddy in front of my parents before, usually by accident cause I forgot they were with in hearing shot, or cause they just don't care.


If they cared and I kept it under wraps around them but they still had an issue. I'd tell them my relationship is safe, it's healthy, it makes me happy. So thank you for your concern but please stay out of it. And if they wouldn't I wouldn't have much contact with them. Either until they learned to mind their manners and butt out, or till I was ready to deal with them.

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RE: How to handle friends/relatives that don't understand? - 4/10/2011 2:11:48 PM   
IrishMist


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Joined: 11/17/2005
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quote:

I would never lie. If anyone asked me a question about kink and they were someone I cared for and valued as part of my life, I would tell them the truth

what if someone you knew only casually asked you...would you still tell the absolute truth?

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RE: How to handle friends/relatives that don't understand? - 4/10/2011 2:50:57 PM   
soul2share


Posts: 7084
Joined: 12/18/2007
From: somewhere out there.....
Status: offline 		I'm with the group of "why do they need to know?"  I have never once told my family about my sexual habits.  I certainly don't want to know about theirs!  Bad enough I once heard my parents having sex...and I was in college.....makes me just want to go "EWWWWWWW" again!

If you are happy with your man, then they should be happy too.  It's not like you'll be calling him Sir, or Master when they are around...and any guy who insists that you do is an idiot! 

The relationships we enter into are no different than the "vanilla" ones anyone else is in.  I don't understand why folks insist that they are.  We "kinky folk" want the same thing anyone else does, someone who loves us and accepts us, warts and all.  The dynamic that we choose and the activities we participate in are private, just as the sex lives of anyone else is.   Even vanilla couples don't lay their sex life out for all to peruse and inspect.

< Message edited by soul2share -- 4/10/2011 2:52:56 PM >

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RE: How to handle friends/relatives that don't understand? - 4/10/2011 4:09:23 PM   
lizi


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quote:

ORIGINAL: IrishMist

quote:

I would never lie. If anyone asked me a question about kink and they were someone I cared for and valued as part of my life, I would tell them the truth

what if someone you knew only casually asked you...would you still tell the absolute truth?


I don't ever really lie in general, but I would probably not be forthcoming about my private life to anyone I only knew casually. There are ways of not answering a question or being oblique that would do the trick in that case.

My business is personal, I'm not putting anything out there that other people will judge me on. If my family or very closest friends asked a direct question then I wouldn't lie to them, or I would preface my answer by asking if they 'really' wanted to know that- which is admitting it, but giving us both a way to save face.

One casual comment was made at my gym once by an aquaintence that she didn't care for my 'necklace' at first as it reminded her of slavery. I just raised my eyebrow and said, "How interesting." She then went on to say that she'd come around to admiring it of late and that now she thought it was rather simple and elegant. I said, "Yes, I think so too." That was it. No need for me to lie with that or similar type things, but I dont need to tell everyone my story either.

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RE: How to handle friends/relatives that don't understand? - 4/10/2011 7:07:16 PM   
MalcolmNathaniel


Posts: 1394
Joined: 9/20/2010
Status: offline 		I am of the opinion that they don't need to know then they shouldn't.

Look at it from the prospective of your master:  He knows, that your father knows, that he is doing things to your father's little girl that neither of them want to talk about.

No good can come from that discussion.  It is best to let this sleeping dog lay.

I am not suggesting that you lie, merely that you don't offer more information than is required.

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RE: How to handle friends/relatives that don't understand? - 4/10/2011 9:49:30 PM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline 		Why in the world do you think you mom wants to hear that you like fucking monkeys????<or any other form of kink shakes head and walks away

BadOne

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RE: How to handle friends/relatives that don't understand? - 4/10/2011 11:47:31 PM   
MasterSlaveLA


Posts: 3991
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LoveSparkie

How to handle friends/relatives that don't understand?



By keeping your private life, you know... private.



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RE: How to handle friends/relatives that don't understand? - 4/11/2011 7:17:20 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14449
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: porcelaine


Greetings,

i don't understand the talk show confessionals that people feel inclined to impress upon their friends and loved ones. i can't think of many folks that would love to know that you're being dominated or getting spanked. In fact, it broaches very close to tmi and then some.
This. It may make you feel better, but it won't make them feel better.


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RE: How to handle friends/relatives that don't understand? - 4/11/2011 7:19:11 AM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline 		Thanks Lizi. I was trying hard not to make it sound like an attack; I was just really curious as to the statement you made and how it would be applied in any and all situations.

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RE: How to handle friends/relatives that don't understand? - 4/12/2011 3:41:47 PM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LoveSparkie

Oh my this is the 3rd post I've made...I must be filled with questions tonight.

Anyway, I have explained a little to friends and family my desire to have a dominant role in my life and they usually just assume I want a "husband". So I started wondering, what happens when I start actually living this lifestyle? What happens when I finally meet that dom/master I want to be with? What happens with I am owned (if ever)? What do I tell my family/friends?

I am not one to hide things. I am an open book. Strangely enough, especially with my mother...I have always and continue to tell her everything. BUT considering I was once in a very controlling and abusive relationship, I fear that my loved ones will view my relationship with my future Master as being another abusive one.




As others have mentioned, why do people feel the need to be an open book about their sex lives?

I am closer to my mother than anyone in my life and while I share my trials, tribulations and successes in life, I have never once shared my sex life details or my BDSM predilictions.

Why on earth would I? I have plenty to discuss with her about ourselves, our family, and life in general.

If you so lack topics to talk to your mother or anyone else about, that is a separate issue entirely.

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RE: How to handle friends/relatives that don't understand? - 4/12/2011 4:02:11 PM   
sunshinemiss


Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline 		My family knows. Why? Because there are people in my life who have threatened me in the past with exposure. It's better for it to come from me I figure. That first happened when I was in my 20's. It happened again recently, so why hide?

Do I tell the fam the minute details? No. I tell them - you know I am pretty sexually adventurous, right? They say yeah. We have a short conversation in which I don't tell them details. Usually the younger generation is interested in details, and I ask them something like... so if I were to tell you what I do, how would that help you? Are you going to tell me exactly what you do - cause I sure don't want THAT picture in my head! And that makes them blush and shut up. I tell them that I will gladly talk to them about safety and such, but I won't tell them about me personally. Every one of them has come to me at some point to get information about something a little ... on the road less traveled.... It helps that I was a sex educator for many years.


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RE: How to handle friends/relatives that don't understand? - 4/12/2011 4:59:03 PM   
NocturnalStalker


Posts: 3858
Joined: 12/4/2010
Status: offline 		I'd like details.

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RE: How to handle friends/relatives that don't understand? - 4/12/2011 5:09:55 PM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: IrishMist

Thanks Lizi. I was trying hard not to make it sound like an attack; I was just really curious as to the statement you made and how it would be applied in any and all situations.


Your question sounded nothing like an attack and I'm glad you asked, as it pointed out something I was unclear on. I honestly think that is the beauty of these boards, that a topic can be taken and followed in various ways so as to give many of us something to think about.

To follow up a bit more on the example I offered earlier of the casual aquaintence at the gym....she said she didn't like my necklace as it reminded her of slavery. What purpose would have been served had I said "Great! Just the look I was going for!" Then would she have ever talked to me again? Who knows? As it was she was able to pay me a compliment which was her intention to begin with, and we can nod politely when we see each other on the gym floor.

In a way, me wearing a collar is a delicate thing. I won't lie, I had some difficulty with knowing that it is a public statement. Then I realized that it was meaningful enough to my partner and I for me to want to do it and once I took the plunge into wearing it, I saw that people still only know what I tell them. I dont tell them much, I'm really good at saying general, traditional, type things when the subject of my relationship comes up that let people know I'm happy with how things are. "He sure likes to be the boss! (said with a smile)". "He really loves to take care of me." "We decided to formalize things in an untraditional way,  I didn't want a ring and I love the way this can be worn comfortably without ever having me take it off (about wearing the collar)." "Good God, of course he'd never ask for directions!" "Honey would you like more to drink, I'm getting up now anyway." We're just two normal, fairly boring, people with unusual taste in jewelry- since that is the only outward sign of anything that is different and no one would ever know anything different about us if they went by the things that I choose to say.

< Message edited by lizi -- 4/12/2011 5:12:54 PM >

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RE: How to handle friends/relatives that don't understand? - 4/12/2011 5:31:38 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		My daughter asked one time why I did so much stuff for him. I just told her it was the same reason I do so much for her. That I like to make the people I love happy. That was enough for her, and in fact it made her think about all the stuff I do for her so it was a double win.

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RE: How to handle friends/relatives that don't understand? - 4/12/2011 6:10:30 PM   
domiguy


Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline 		I like to hash over everything with Mother. I tell her in vivid detail about buttplugs, anal sex and the random butt drippings that have stained my sheets and floor.

Then I proceed to tell Mother about how subsusie often gags and sometimes pukes when she has attempted to fully face the Domidong.

Mother loves the stories about blood and fistings.

My mother-in-law loves to hear me recite story after story of the pain and humiliation that I have unleashed upon her daughter. I think it has really brought us closer together. My father-in-law just beams with pride when I talk about how I made his little girl drink my piss.

The stupidity out here never fails to amaze me.

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RE: How to handle friends/relatives that don't understand? - 4/12/2011 6:17:11 PM   
gothikbutterfly


Posts: 484
Joined: 12/4/2010
From: the deepest darkest recesses of your mind
Status: offline 		my parents know about my lifestyle, simply from the bumps and bruises. they are not happy with my choice, but there isn't much they can do about it. i have explained that my relationship is safe sane and consensual, but even that doesn't put them at ease. So i keep it private as it was meant to be to people that are too vanilla to understand.


Here's my :

if you are so close-minded that you cannot see past the end of your nose, go on and take your ignorance someplace that isn't around me.

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RE: How to handle friends/relatives that don't understand? - 4/12/2011 6:32:55 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		I don't see it as being closed-minded but simply having a different set of morals from your own.

Would my family approve of my sex life? Probably not...they don't approve of my tats either but that doesn't mean I don't love and care for them. It just means we have different sets of values and we all still realize that we're just all different from each other.

I admit there are a lot of things in bdsm that I don't approve of. If that makes me closed minded I'm perfectly fine with that.

As for bruises...ya know I've never had anyone ask me about me. Could be they know I'm a huge klutz or they just figure it's none of their business. I would think if someone were to ask I would just say "rough sex does that to ya sometimes", give a small laugh and wink and that would be that. My sisters and my friends would just shake their heads, laugh and think "yup that's our sister/friend".



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