lovingpet
Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
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There's a bit to respond to here, so I will try and make sure to cover everyone.
Leadership: I know that he doesn't really care all that much about how I cough up the information he wants. He just wants the information. Sometimes he expects less of me than I do of myself. Granted I could see it as not submitting to his standards, but as I have explained to him, I don't think it is a problem for someone to carry higher standards for themselves than their partner does. He does the same thing and sometimes gets upset with himself when he hasn't quite met up with his own expectations even though I don't see what has happened as a problem. It is partly a settling in thing, partly a basic personality thing, and also a long standing habit of standing down in conversations simply because what I had to say was adamantly not valued. These are changes I could easily get used to in a lot of ways, but the process is a bit of a beast! LOL
Des: The situation I have found is the opposite of what you described. He doesn't make communication difficult. He wants more of it than I have come to be used to giving. He's not scary to talk to. It is more a me issue than anything about him. One on one, I have to work very hard to put the words in my head into an order that makes sense when they come out of my mouth. In a group situation, I will either barely say a word or be full of constant nervous chatter that goes nowhere. I live in my own head for the most part. I am not a social butterfly. Add to that just not feeling congruent within our relationship in this particular type of conversation and I was a stuttering mess. I got it out and we were able to make our game plan and are carrying it out now. That equals to success, so I am not unhappy with myself at all. This wasn't even about solving a communication problem we were having, but how to preserve mindsets.
Acer: To him, nothing is submissive about him commanding me to do something, tell him something, etc. If he is the one asking for it and I am the one doing as told, there is no conflict for him. For him, it would be a disharmony to be in the position of having to take an order, but he handles it well, such as getting another appointment thrown on his schedule when he was getting ready to go home at the end of the day by his supervisor. THAT makes him a little aggravated and when I get the phone call or he gets here, I can soothe that right out of him with a little extra subly attention. 
phoenixmoon: That is pretty much the way things go for us, though there are just natural bits of behavior that we cannot turn on or off depending on who is around. It is just an intrinsic part of how we relate to each other. We do tone it WAY down in certain company, however.
Focus: Interestingly, we have tried it both ways now and this actually worked better. When he called a break to the dynamic to discuss certain matters, we both were decidedly cautious in the conversation. This was because we didn't want something that happened outside of the relationship framework to affect how we related inside it. It introduced fear into the conversation. We got the job done, but was less productive. This time we were relating from a frame of reference that was familiar and comfortable to us both. To me, it was a security blanket when discussing what were otherwise very stressful and scary things. While I agree that the exchange of information on serious life matters should be discussed maturely and with equal input, I don't think that precludes the normal dynamic of the relationship. Littlewonder hit it on the head for me too. He is always the final authority. He makes the decisions and the plans. I give him what he needs to do that well. In so doing, however, I am acutely aware that does not give me power.
CaringandReal: I did do my best to pull off the bandage quickly! We have better things to do than to be bogged down with stuff like this. I do send him letters weekly detailing life stuff we need to address, relationship stuff, and fun/fantasy stuff when I've got it something simmering. It does cut down on having to do this very often. Doing it has only proven to strengthen our relationship, however, so it isn't as though it is pain without purpose. I learn that he really is interested in what I have to say and he learns that he can trust me to support his efforts to properly guide our relationship. That's not a bad payoff for a bit of squirming in my seat.
lovingpet
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If you put your head into more, you'd have to put your back into less. ~Me
10 Fluffy pts.
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