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Respect and Respectability - 6/27/2010 1:36:11 PM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline 		After reading the strap on thread, something began to occur to me. Now we all have either heard from or heard of the male dominant with the foolish thought that "on your knees bitch" is a good opening line. But it appears we definately have some of the same silliness going on with the female side.

I have never used a strap on and I readily admit that I learned a great deal about how many variables are involved in purchasing one for each person's individual comfort. However, the reality is that a newbie who purchased one would not likely know that information anymore than I did because he had never had one.

Meanwhile, all the topping from the bottom talk over it just seems ridiculous. Now before too many of you begin lighting the fires to flame my ass, I'm not talking about ALL dommes, in fact a good number on that thread were somewhere in the middle between dump his sorry topping from the bottom ass and it's no big deal.

The point is that it seems that many of the dommes (typically the single ones) tend to talk as though whatever guy they get involved with should almost have no thoughts of his own. I know I'm not wording this as clearly as I would like, and I am sorry for that, but really, there were women over there who thought just the guy owning the toy bag was inappropriate. As I said, with all of the criteria involved in a harness, I understand the women's point of view in needing to have more say.

However, if some poor guy is new to all of this, exactly what impression is he getting of female dominants who launch right into him topping from the bottom, questioning who is in control, calling him creepy, etc. We advise female subs all the time when approach by the "kneel before me bitch" male doms to simply laugh and move on because they are obviously clueless.

So is there some difference between women who are "new" and men who are "new?" Is there some reason why we are quick to call the "kneel before me bitch" dominants, clueless, likely horney net geeks, but women who think that telling a man to send "tribute" with their first of second email, or who jump right into the topping from the bottom wthout offering the poor new guy a polite respectable explanation are NOT the equivalent of their male counterpartst htat are jerks?

We often speak about integrity, honesty and conducting ourselves in a respectable manner. I'm pretty sure that the men who do the "kneel bitch" thing aren't the least concerned with those things. I figure they think they repeat it enough times, someone will respond and do it. But for the women, do you honestly think that the intelligent man you are looking for (because no one wants an idiot) will have respect for you when you act in a way that isn't deserving of respect?
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RE: Respect and Respectability - 6/27/2010 1:48:19 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		The problem here is the number game. A male dom who is crude, rude and socially unacceptable won't get any hits because a female sub can always find someone else willing to top her. Even if the someone else is just marginally better. So either they learn or they stay home with their right hand.

Since male subs way outnumber female tops, the female will find someone else willing to let her top him even if it's only for one night. And she can keep going through new guys over and over. Males just don't have the options women do.


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RE: Respect and Respectability - 6/27/2010 1:48:58 PM   
AAkasha


Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline

I absolutely believe a guy is totally creepy (and I stand by that wording) if he purchases a strap on harness, meant to be worn by a woman, before ever even MEETING a femdom  (any femdom) in real life. Cart before horse?  Absolutely.  Could he spend the money on something else more practical?

What about a vanilla man who buys panties and lingerie for a future girlfriend when he has never been on a date in his life?   What would a vanilla woman think of this if she found out that he owned this lingerie (in the wrong size? the wrong style? The wrong color?) in anticipation of her -- without ever meeting her? 

This isn't about topping from the bottom. Mutual respect is about not making someone into a fantasy creature before even meeting them (as in - even talking to them, at all).

I think there's some confusion because people think this is about a man who buys a strap on (for a woman before they physically meet). This is about a man who owned a strap on before ever talking to ANY femdom.

Akasha




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RE: Respect and Respectability - 6/27/2010 1:50:52 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		People wouldn't behave in such ways if they didn't get something out of it. For every "on your knees bitch" dom, there's a sub drooling and thanking him for it. Same goes with female doms.

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RE: Respect and Respectability - 6/27/2010 1:53:14 PM   
Icarys


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quote:

Now before too many of you begin lighting the fires to flame my ass




You know it's coming! lol


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RE: Respect and Respectability - 6/27/2010 1:56:49 PM   
marie2


Posts: 1690
Joined: 11/4/2008
From: Jersey
Status: offline 		In general, I tend to think that like attracts like. In other words if you act cheap and cheesy, you're going to draw cheap and cheesy.

It would seem like common sense to me that if a woman demands a tribute up front, she's likely going to draw a man who thinks he's purchasing a piece of ass, because that's exactly what it is at it's lowest common denominator. Would it be any wonder that he then tries to top from the bottom? Of course not, because he is going to expect something in return for his tribute, which is just a sugar-coated term for "payment".

If a woman wants to draw a man whose submission is genuine, then I would think she should be willing to behave like someone who deserves his genuine submission. I want a new handbag or a giftcard before I give you the time of day isn't exactly the mark of class. At least not in my view.



< Message edited by marie2 -- 6/27/2010 1:58:53 PM >

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RE: Respect and Respectability - 6/27/2010 1:58:32 PM   
Icarys


Posts: 5757
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha



I absolutely believe a guy is totally creepy (and I stand by that wording) if he purchases a strap on harness, meant to be worn by a woman, before ever even MEETING a femdom  (any femdom) in real life. Cart before horse?  Absolutely.  Could he spend the money on something else more practical?

What about a vanilla man who buys panties and lingerie for a future girlfriend when he has never been on a date in his life?   What would a vanilla woman think of this if she found out that he owned this lingerie (in the wrong size? the wrong style? The wrong color?) in anticipation of her -- without ever meeting her? 

This isn't about topping from the bottom. Mutual respect is about not making someone into a fantasy creature before even meeting them (as in - even talking to them, at all).

I think there's some confusion because people think this is about a man who buys a strap on (for a woman before they physically meet). This is about a man who owned a strap on before ever talking to ANY femdom.

Akasha




What about a person that builds a dungeon or any of the various implements used?

< Message edited by Icarys -- 6/27/2010 1:59:27 PM >

_____________________________

submission - the feeling of patient, submissive humbleness - the state of being submissive or compliant; meekness.

Alaska Bound-The Official Countdown Has Started!
http://tinyurl.com/872mcu3
http://alturl.com/mog7m

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RE: Respect and Respectability - 6/27/2010 2:02:18 PM   
Icarys


Posts: 5757
Status: offline
quote:

In general, I tend to think that like attracts like. In other words if you act cheap and cheesy, you're going to draw cheap and cheesy.


That's not always the case...I'm honest and trustworthy yet most of what I find is the opposite. I believe you get what you settle for in that case but all manner of people will come your way given enough time.


_____________________________

submission - the feeling of patient, submissive humbleness - the state of being submissive or compliant; meekness.

Alaska Bound-The Official Countdown Has Started!
http://tinyurl.com/872mcu3
http://alturl.com/mog7m

(in reply to marie2)
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RE: Respect and Respectability - 6/27/2010 2:04:00 PM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline 		AAkasha,

You obviously missed the part of the thread where I said

"I have never used a strap on and I readily admit that I learned a great deal about how many variables are involved in purchasing one for each person's individual comfort. However, the reality is that a newbie who purchased one would not likely know that information anymore than I did because he had never had one."

I admit that I didn't know there were all those variables involved regarding material, comfort and such. But I stand by the fact that someone who is relatively new, which I believe you said this man was, had no idea about such things. Now, granted, there could have been a bunch of other things about him that kind of creeped you out and that was the icing on the cake. However, which do you think makes YOU look better and more respectable (and yes, I realize you don't give a shit about either, but play along for a moment), you instantly blocking him either caling him a creep or without explanation, or you politely explaining to him that you realize he is new and explain that making such a purchase is usually going to be frowned upon.

My main point being that as someone who is new, he might not be aware of what is more practical and there is no reason for him to find out by someone being rude and bitchy (and I'm not saying you were), as opposed to simply explaining it.

BTW, I was more talking about the repetitive comments on that thread about "whose in control" and topping from the bottom. As for the strap on harness, from what I learned about them on that thread, for me they sound like to much of a pain in the ass to be bothered with, lol, but that particular activity isn't my thing anyway. I do see how it would need to be fitted properly and how it is an inappropriate purchase. I was discussing the presentation of letting them know it is inappropriate.


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RE: Respect and Respectability - 6/27/2010 2:29:43 PM   
CynthiaWVirginia


Posts: 1915
Joined: 2/28/2010
From: West Virginia, USA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Icarys

What about a person that builds a dungeon or any of the various implements used?

I was going to say something and then saw that comment...
 
If he built it, waited for me to come along and I was the first to take him in there it would be incredibly hottttt. 
 
I'd see it as a male version of...making and filling what used to be referred to as a hope chest.  Women used to spend hours making things like bed sheets, table cloths, night gowns, wedding dress, and baby clothes...packing them away in a hope chest.  It would be extra appealing if his hands were full of little scars from where he had built almost everything with his own hands.
 
If it were previously used it would be merely convenient instead of special. 
 
Brain is too toasted now to think about anything else in this thread, will have to come back later. 

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RE: Respect and Respectability - 6/27/2010 2:47:26 PM   
mummyman321


Posts: 2102
Joined: 10/31/2005
From: Dusseldorf
Status: offline 		I thinks is a riduculus notion that a sub cannot have a life until he meets a Domme. And heaven forbid is the sub bought a toy that he would hope a potential future Mistress would use on him. Shame on him for that. He must be a "Do me sub" and has no regards of feeling for his future Mistress (even though he does not know who she is or what she likes unless he is very psychic!). Hence is the voice of a "Do me Domme". For all you subs out there run the other way if you here that voice and go build your toy box or Dungeon if you are so inclined. If you build it they will come :)

On the OP I think a lot of new people really do not know how to approach a potential Domme or sub. All I can say is it should be know different that as in a vanilla relationship. Give a respectable introduction to your potential partner. Ask a lot of questions. Get to know them.

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RE: Respect and Respectability - 6/27/2010 2:53:01 PM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mummyman321

On the OP I think a lot of new people really do not know how to approach a potential Domme or sub. All I can say is it should be know different that as in a vanilla relationship. Give a respectable introduction to your potential partner. Ask a lot of questions. Get to know them.


No, that would be too logical. Especially if someone is simply looking for a life support system for their fetish/fantasy.

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RE: Respect and Respectability - 6/27/2010 4:34:10 PM   
Rochsub2009


Posts: 2536
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mummyman321

All I can say is it should be no different that as in a vanilla relationship. Give a respectable introduction to your potential partner. Ask a lot of questions. Get to know them.


I agree completely (in principle).  However, actually making this happen is extremely difficult. 

I can't possibly be the only one who has difficulty getting replies that consist of more than one sentence when I contact someone on the other side.  Getting most of the people over there to actually engage in a meaningful dialogue is almost impossible.  Is there a rule that states that only one-line responses are permitted on CollarMe?

Getting to know people isn't as easy as you make it seem. 


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RE: Respect and Respectability - 6/27/2010 4:50:50 PM   
Andalusite


Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline 		I'm open to trying new things, whether I think them up, or my partner does. I agree that it seems more likely to stem from ignorance than from deliberate manipulation. Some individuals though are so stuck in fantasy land that anything that doesn't fit their "script" is insulted as "not really dominant" or whatever.

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RE: Respect and Respectability - 6/27/2010 6:12:46 PM   
laurell3


Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline 		Yes, we collectively on CM jump to conclusions about posters all the time with very little information. However, they're adults on a bdsm site. If they cannot say...wait...that's not true, this is what is true, then I question their ability to gain anything from what we would have said anyway.

I didn't read the entire thread you're talking about, I'm responding in general. It's a nice sentiment to want to hold the hands of new people, it's also unlikely and possibly not even helpful in the long run. Consider again where you.

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RE: Respect and Respectability - 6/27/2010 6:14:11 PM   
Jeffff


Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
Status: offline 		are.

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RE: Respect and Respectability - 6/27/2010 6:18:07 PM   
laurell3


Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline 		hahaha.....yeah that.

Thank you.

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

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RE: Respect and Respectability - 6/27/2010 6:23:09 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		Aw.  He's completing her sentences.  They look so cute.

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The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

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RE: Respect and Respectability - 6/27/2010 6:24:27 PM   
Jeffff


Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
Status: offline 		LOL.....



fuck off.




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RE: Respect and Respectability - 6/27/2010 7:22:12 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Even cuter is laurell's profile opening. You folks have such feelings of security and comfortableness in your relationship that you ought to be role models for every sub who thinks being ignored and made miserable is how a power relationship ought to be.

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