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Looking back - personal growth - 6/25/2010 8:23:44 PM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		This letter was written to me many years ago by the only woman to have worn my collar, a woman I collared on the first night I met her. I was new, I had slutted around some but I KNEW that whatever the hell I felt with this girl was something special and far different than anything else I had ever felt with a woman. We spent three years tearing each other’s hearts out in between making each other deliriously happy. This letter was about year two or so. She had much better relationship skills than I had but mine weren’t much better than zero so we were pretty much fucked.

I post this for many reasons, she was a wonderful woman who deserved far better than I was able to give her. She was the woman who changed my life and set me on a new path, the path that has led me to the man I am today. So this is part monument to the fact that submissives can have huge impact on their dominants growth. I think it shows the struggles we all go through to get wherever it is we are. I think it shows that we can grow, I wouldn’t choose to be with her now because she was married, but if I was with her the problems we had would become strengths (although I am sure we would have new issues, but WE would overcome them). It was also one of those relationships we read about on here so often, the ones where the two are looking at each other as competitors rather than partners, looking to assign blame rather than work together to make things better. She also doubted her submission but I never did. I could see it, she just needed a better man than I was at the time to allow it to flourish, I saw it blossom time and time again only to tread on that delicate flower and crush it beneath my oafishness.

Lastly, I share it because when I was in the middle of that relationship, I didn’t have friends like I have here (many of whom I have met in person), I couldn’t find the sometimes brutal but very real and helpful advice I see posted here every day.

So in closing, I hope someone can read this and learn just a little bit about making their life, their relationship, and their partner just a little bit happier with a touch less drama. She was the one who did that for me…

(Note: This woman is long gone, would feel blessed if this helped someone else, and would be proud that she helped me grow so my posting this is in no way a violation)

quote:

*Michael

These are not in any particular order and I am sure that as time goes by and I see the damage I have done the list will only grow longer…I am sure I have so much more to apologize for, things that I just haven’t peeled away enough layers of stuff to get to yet. It’s taken me long enough just to get to what I know thus far.

I’m sorry for not keeping my toenails painted in Your polish
I’m sorry for not paining my fingernails, too.
I’m sorry for no having my make-up done the way You prefer it.
I’m sorry for not massaging Your feet.
I’m sorry for sending all of the cards
I’m sorry for not fulfilling all Your fantasies
I’m sorry that I didn’t work harder at becoming more sexually verbal
I’m sorry for not keeping my eyes downcast every single time You arrived
I’m sorry I couldn’t make it okay to have You play with whomever You wanted to
I’m sorry for not emailing You issues to You the way You wanted me to.
I’m sorry for not keeping a journal for You.
I’m sorry for not finishing Your tool roll
I’m sorry for questioning everything You asked of me.
I’m sorry for questioning Your dominance
I’m sorry for saying hurtful things to You… and it is too painful that there is too many to list
I’m sorry for not seeking out more knowledge more quickly
I’m sorry for not taking more steps to fix what was wrong with me more quickly

So many people cannot believe that I am submissive. They say they just can’t see it, and they are right. I have not been a true submissive. In fact, looking at my behavior, I am probably not even submissive at all.

I have complained that the problem with Doms is they do not understand the power they hold, the power of “I would do anything for You.”

But I wouldn’t do “anything for You”

So how can I profess to know that to be true?

I am not submissive.
I am not submissive.
I am not submissive.
I am not submissive.

I am a hurt little girl wanting Someone to take care of her.

And I can’t possibly truly submit from that place because that hurt little girl is too scared to let go.

If there is any one constructive suggestion I can offer You it would be this:

As You move forward, look for someone who can operate out of her adult, not her child.

Since I believe it is highly unlikely that subs don’t at least occasionally operate out of their child, then consider this:

When You did things that hurt me deep inside, it went so deep because it was not the adult me that You had hurt, but the little girl instead. I would then come to You as an adult, we would talk as adults, You would apologize to my adult, my adult self would hear You, but it never made it back down to the little girl. She stayed hurt. She would come out more wounded than ever every time something else went awry because she never got the apology for the last thing that hurt her.

Yes, it was my job to transport that apology into the depths of myself, but may I offer You this: In Your next relationship, if You believe it is possible that the hurting has touched Your submissive’s little girl, apologize to the adult woman before You. Then, bring her down…to her knees, to her subspace, to her little girl, whatever it is You do to get her there…bring her down there and keep her there for a minute so, that You and she BOTH know she is there. Then hold her face in Your hands, look into her eyes as deep as You can, and apologize again. This time to the little girl.

I can bet it makes a difference, because it was never the logical adult woman that You hurt. The can make sense of it and let things go. It’s the little girl You need to be talking to.

I hope that You find all of the happiness You deserve. You are, and always were far more Dominant that I was submissive. I was just too scared at that point to be capable of seeing it. And I am so fucking sorry for turning Your life upside down.

I miss You and I wish I could have brought You the happiness that You so deserve. I pray for You that the one that can serve You best finds her way to You soon.*


(Note: if that wasn’t all poignant enough, she added on the outside that she was sorry she didn’t have a proper envelope for the letter)
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Looking back - personal growth - 6/25/2010 8:41:15 PM   
BentUnit


Posts: 897
Status: offline 		SimplyMichael,

I won't debase the raw sentiments expressed in your post or the letter by making any comment except to say  thank you for sharing.

I have tears in my eyes.

~B.U.

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Looking back - personal growth - 6/25/2010 9:31:11 PM   
LadyCimarron


Posts: 625
Joined: 12/29/2009
Status: offline 		OMG.... I'm crying too. Thank you for sharing that.

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Looking back - personal growth - 6/25/2010 9:49:54 PM   
cloudboy


Posts: 7306
Joined: 12/14/2005
Status: offline 		After seeing that letter, if I had a sister, I'd tell her to stay away from you. But, I guess that's the point. It must be challenging to know you made someone else feel that way.

< Message edited by cloudboy -- 6/25/2010 9:50:53 PM >

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Looking back - personal growth - 6/25/2010 9:50:58 PM   
tazzygirl


Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
Status: offline 		Michael.

Wow.

I know that place she is coming from.

It physically hurt to read it.

Thank you for sharing.

_____________________________

Telling me to take Midol wont help your butthurt.
RIP, my demon-child 5-16-11
Duchess of Dissent 1
Dont judge me because I sin differently than you.
If you want it sugar coated, dont ask me what i think! It would violate TOS.

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Looking back - personal growth - 6/25/2010 10:04:36 PM   
SaschaMarie


Posts: 87
Joined: 6/5/2010
From: Houston, Tx
Status: offline 		Very powerfull letter, thankyou for shareing.

-Sascha




P.S.


quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael


(Note: if that wasn’t all poignant enough, she added on the outside that she was sorry she didn’t have a proper envelope for the letter)





_____________________________

Never argue with an idiot, they will only drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Looking back - personal growth - 6/25/2010 10:58:42 PM   
WestBaySlave


Posts: 501
Joined: 9/24/2008
Status: offline 		 Definitely a message that speaks to me and some of my experiences. Thank you very much for posting.

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Looking back - personal growth - 6/25/2010 11:09:55 PM   
Kana


Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL:

I am a hurt little girl wanting Someone to take care of her.

And I can’t possibly truly submit from that place because that hurt little girl is too scared to let go.

If there is any one constructive suggestion I can offer You it would be this:

As You move forward, look for someone who can operate out of her adult, not her child.



QFT


_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Looking back - personal growth - 6/25/2010 11:30:18 PM   
laurell3


Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline 		As I read the letter I wonder what happened to that woman. She seemed to be on the verge of understanding her own battle. I hope she has found that you can nuture the little girl until she's healthy and live your life as an adult. It is a very apt description of where I was once in my life. I did that with a therapist though, not a Dom.

I find it ironic that she accepts blame in her letter and you do in your post. It's funny how as you age you realize just what's important in life and what really is trivial huh?

Kudos to you Michael for sharing that, and recognizing the value of even a relationship gone wrong. We can never undo the past, we can learn and grow from it. It seems that's what you both have done.

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Looking back - personal growth - 6/26/2010 12:19:50 AM   
CynthiaWVirginia


Posts: 1915
Joined: 2/28/2010
From: West Virginia, USA
Status: offline 		What might have beens, and if onlys...are painful. 



This caused a walk down memory lane and...reminded me that I wouldn't be 22 again for a million dollars.

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Looking back - personal growth - 6/26/2010 5:16:41 AM   
SirsJewel


Posts: 696
Joined: 3/23/2010
Status: offline 		As most said,that made me cry,as i see so much of myself in her. W/we want submission to heal U/us at times,for someone magical to come along and be the all powerful OZ and save U/us from O/our past,O/ourselves and to pick U/us up and carry U/us in reward for giving of O/oursleves to them. But W/we are only human. A Dominant cannot be a Father,a Therapist,a Clergy,just a strong Man or Woman who leads a step ahead and says"come with Me i am a bit stronger,I know the path that's best". W/we follow out of want of trust at first,then trust devlopes over time The truth is many of the strong have just as many weaknesses,they just choose to lead another rather then deal with thier own issues at times. No one is perfect, to put that much pressure on another is futile.

I see a Man,You who has grown enough to want to help others with something so precious as the sharing of that letter to show U/us all that even the Dominants are not above error,it's only a crime when they chose not see it and make an attempt at thier own personal growth to be a better leader to those that chose to follow on that path ahead. Thank you for sharing ~ jewels

_____________________________

God grant me the serenity to accept people for who they are and not whom i wish they could be ~ jewels

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Looking back - personal growth - 6/26/2010 5:01:22 PM   
BigDaddy723


Posts: 275
Joined: 5/7/2010
Status: offline 		Thank you for sharing that. It certainly attests to why I am trying to be cautious and take my time before I take on that kind of responsibility.

(in reply to SirsJewel)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Looking back - personal growth - 6/26/2010 5:19:57 PM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		Michael, i'm thinking that if you were mature enough to keep this letter, you were more mature than you think.
If you were truly an oaf, you would have burned that letter, and tried to forget that you had ever read it.

(in reply to BigDaddy723)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Looking back - personal growth - 6/26/2010 5:58:10 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		What a great letter, and such tremendous advice. Thanks for sharing, Michael!

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]



(in reply to kiwisub12)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Looking back - personal growth - 6/26/2010 6:47:25 PM   
Firebirdseeking


Posts: 477
Joined: 9/3/2006
Status: offline 		It's a lovely letter, Michael, and in your willingness to post shows that you know the difference between being dominant versus controlling. It sounds like back then you had them confused, and as you say, no network to assist you. I hope more dominants will respond here.



And yes, most submissives do have that little girl who craves being taken care of - who craves being safe and cherished.

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Looking back - personal growth - 6/26/2010 7:00:19 PM   
playfulotter


Posts: 2195
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline 		Thanks for writing your experience...my first experience (being collared and on a first meeting after talking online for 2-3 months..but I can say I have only felt owned one other time) was on a first meeting too......he lived near Santa Cruz but was single....It put me on the road I have been on for 9-10 years now...I guess I always think of the bad things and not the good of that relationship...he is still on this site but we rarely correspond...but perhaps because of your posting I will tell him thanks for really introducing me to this lifestyle!

< Message edited by playfulotter -- 6/26/2010 7:03:22 PM >

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Looking back - personal growth - 6/26/2010 9:05:40 PM   
xXsoumisXx


Posts: 339
Joined: 7/26/2009
From: USA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

This letter was written to me many years ago by the only woman to have worn my collar, a woman I collared on the first night I met her. I was new, I had slutted around some but I KNEW that whatever the hell I felt with this girl was something special and far different than anything else I had ever felt with a woman. We spent three years tearing each other’s hearts out in between making each other deliriously happy. This letter was about year two or so. She had much better relationship skills than I had but mine weren’t much better than zero so we were pretty much fucked.

I post this for many reasons, she was a wonderful woman who deserved far better than I was able to give her. She was the woman who changed my life and set me on a new path, the path that has led me to the man I am today. So this is part monument to the fact that submissives can have huge impact on their dominants growth. I think it shows the struggles we all go through to get wherever it is we are. I think it shows that we can grow, I wouldn’t choose to be with her now because she was married, but if I was with her the problems we had would become strengths (although I am sure we would have new issues, but WE would overcome them). It was also one of those relationships we read about on here so often, the ones where the two are looking at each other as competitors rather than partners, looking to assign blame rather than work together to make things better. She also doubted her submission but I never did. I could see it, she just needed a better man than I was at the time to allow it to flourish, I saw it blossom time and time again only to tread on that delicate flower and crush it beneath my oafishness.

Lastly, I share it because when I was in the middle of that relationship, I didn’t have friends like I have here (many of whom I have met in person), I couldn’t find the sometimes brutal but very real and helpful advice I see posted here every day.

So in closing, I hope someone can read this and learn just a little bit about making their life, their relationship, and their partner just a little bit happier with a touch less drama. She was the one who did that for me…

(Note: This woman is long gone, would feel blessed if this helped someone else, and would be proud that she helped me grow so my posting this is in no way a violation)

quote:

*Michael

These are not in any particular order and I am sure that as time goes by and I see the damage I have done the list will only grow longer…I am sure I have so much more to apologize for, things that I just haven’t peeled away enough layers of stuff to get to yet. It’s taken me long enough just to get to what I know thus far.

I’m sorry for not keeping my toenails painted in Your polish
I’m sorry for not paining my fingernails, too.
I’m sorry for no having my make-up done the way You prefer it.
I’m sorry for not massaging Your feet.
I’m sorry for sending all of the cards
I’m sorry for not fulfilling all Your fantasies
I’m sorry that I didn’t work harder at becoming more sexually verbal
I’m sorry for not keeping my eyes downcast every single time You arrived
I’m sorry I couldn’t make it okay to have You play with whomever You wanted to
I’m sorry for not emailing You issues to You the way You wanted me to.
I’m sorry for not keeping a journal for You.
I’m sorry for not finishing Your tool roll
I’m sorry for questioning everything You asked of me.
I’m sorry for questioning Your dominance
I’m sorry for saying hurtful things to You… and it is too painful that there is too many to list
I’m sorry for not seeking out more knowledge more quickly
I’m sorry for not taking more steps to fix what was wrong with me more quickly

So many people cannot believe that I am submissive. They say they just can’t see it, and they are right. I have not been a true submissive. In fact, looking at my behavior, I am probably not even submissive at all.

I have complained that the problem with Doms is they do not understand the power they hold, the power of “I would do anything for You.”

But I wouldn’t do “anything for You”

So how can I profess to know that to be true?

I am not submissive.
I am not submissive.
I am not submissive.
I am not submissive.

I am a hurt little girl wanting Someone to take care of her.

And I can’t possibly truly submit from that place because that hurt little girl is too scared to let go.

If there is any one constructive suggestion I can offer You it would be this:

As You move forward, look for someone who can operate out of her adult, not her child.

Since I believe it is highly unlikely that subs don’t at least occasionally operate out of their child, then consider this:

When You did things that hurt me deep inside, it went so deep because it was not the adult me that You had hurt, but the little girl instead. I would then come to You as an adult, we would talk as adults, You would apologize to my adult, my adult self would hear You, but it never made it back down to the little girl. She stayed hurt. She would come out more wounded than ever every time something else went awry because she never got the apology for the last thing that hurt her.

Yes, it was my job to transport that apology into the depths of myself, but may I offer You this: In Your next relationship, if You believe it is possible that the hurting has touched Your submissive’s little girl, apologize to the adult woman before You. Then, bring her down…to her knees, to her subspace, to her little girl, whatever it is You do to get her there…bring her down there and keep her there for a minute so, that You and she BOTH know she is there. Then hold her face in Your hands, look into her eyes as deep as You can, and apologize again. This time to the little girl.

I can bet it makes a difference, because it was never the logical adult woman that You hurt. The can make sense of it and let things go. It’s the little girl You need to be talking to.

I hope that You find all of the happiness You deserve. You are, and always were far more Dominant that I was submissive. I was just too scared at that point to be capable of seeing it. And I am so fucking sorry for turning Your life upside down.

I miss You and I wish I could have brought You the happiness that You so deserve. I pray for You that the one that can serve You best finds her way to You soon.*


(Note: if that wasn’t all poignant enough, she added on the outside that she was sorry she didn’t have a proper envelope for the letter)



Michael
i can hardly see the keyboard at this point. In many ways my relationship (current) is similar to what you describe. I have known your posts sciice the begining, i beleive, this is my 3rd nick, i have been on here since 2004/2005. My Dominant was very similar to how you describe yourself in the begining. (yes i remember crappy dom) I think your progress and growth surpasses His, but i have hope.. progress is progress. I just need to say that i am truly touched, and amazed, and yes, even in awe of you... (i made a post about awe once)
I have written similar emails.
smiles softly at Him...there is no one else that would have any hope with me, except Him, and perhaps, You, at one of Mercnbeth's parties... ;) and, omg your pics and posts never fail to make me hot..;)

ps:
i love woodworking, and have my own lathe..:)

< Message edited by xXsoumisXx -- 6/26/2010 9:31:11 PM >

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Looking back - personal growth - 6/27/2010 6:36:38 PM   
cassandria


Posts: 86
Joined: 6/6/2010
Status: offline 		Any man who keeps a letter such as this, and expresses his feelings as you have in this thread, is someone I have much respect for.

I'm swallowing tears..or the little girl in me is. She doesn't operate me...but she's affected by things around me. Like this letter.

Thank you, for sharing it.

(in reply to xXsoumisXx)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Looking back - personal growth - 6/28/2010 1:08:42 AM   
allthatjaz


Posts: 2878
Joined: 8/20/2008
Status: offline 		Thank you Michael for showing us the importance of this letter. It was very emotional to read but then you knew it would be.... your a wise man.


_____________________________

S&M (Steve and Maria) persona libre de convencionalismos


Fan of edgeplay.co.uk

(in reply to cassandria)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Looking back - personal growth - 6/28/2010 8:42:23 AM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		Thanks for sharing that Michael, I know how she felt...



_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 20
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