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xXsoumisXx -> RE: Looking back - personal growth (6/26/2010 9:05:40 PM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael
This letter was written to me many years ago by the only woman to have worn my collar, a woman I collared on the first night I met her. I was new, I had slutted around some but I KNEW that whatever the hell I felt with this girl was something special and far different than anything else I had ever felt with a woman. We spent three years tearing each other’s hearts out in between making each other deliriously happy. This letter was about year two or so. She had much better relationship skills than I had but mine weren’t much better than zero so we were pretty much fucked.
I post this for many reasons, she was a wonderful woman who deserved far better than I was able to give her. She was the woman who changed my life and set me on a new path, the path that has led me to the man I am today. So this is part monument to the fact that submissives can have huge impact on their dominants growth. I think it shows the struggles we all go through to get wherever it is we are. I think it shows that we can grow, I wouldn’t choose to be with her now because she was married, but if I was with her the problems we had would become strengths (although I am sure we would have new issues, but WE would overcome them). It was also one of those relationships we read about on here so often, the ones where the two are looking at each other as competitors rather than partners, looking to assign blame rather than work together to make things better. She also doubted her submission but I never did. I could see it, she just needed a better man than I was at the time to allow it to flourish, I saw it blossom time and time again only to tread on that delicate flower and crush it beneath my oafishness.
Lastly, I share it because when I was in the middle of that relationship, I didn’t have friends like I have here (many of whom I have met in person), I couldn’t find the sometimes brutal but very real and helpful advice I see posted here every day.
So in closing, I hope someone can read this and learn just a little bit about making their life, their relationship, and their partner just a little bit happier with a touch less drama. She was the one who did that for me…
(Note: This woman is long gone, would feel blessed if this helped someone else, and would be proud that she helped me grow so my posting this is in no way a violation)
quote:
*Michael
These are not in any particular order and I am sure that as time goes by and I see the damage I have done the list will only grow longer…I am sure I have so much more to apologize for, things that I just haven’t peeled away enough layers of stuff to get to yet. It’s taken me long enough just to get to what I know thus far.
I’m sorry for not keeping my toenails painted in Your polish
I’m sorry for not paining my fingernails, too.
I’m sorry for no having my make-up done the way You prefer it.
I’m sorry for not massaging Your feet.
I’m sorry for sending all of the cards
I’m sorry for not fulfilling all Your fantasies
I’m sorry that I didn’t work harder at becoming more sexually verbal
I’m sorry for not keeping my eyes downcast every single time You arrived
I’m sorry I couldn’t make it okay to have You play with whomever You wanted to
I’m sorry for not emailing You issues to You the way You wanted me to.
I’m sorry for not keeping a journal for You.
I’m sorry for not finishing Your tool roll
I’m sorry for questioning everything You asked of me.
I’m sorry for questioning Your dominance
I’m sorry for saying hurtful things to You… and it is too painful that there is too many to list
I’m sorry for not seeking out more knowledge more quickly
I’m sorry for not taking more steps to fix what was wrong with me more quickly
So many people cannot believe that I am submissive. They say they just can’t see it, and they are right. I have not been a true submissive. In fact, looking at my behavior, I am probably not even submissive at all.
I have complained that the problem with Doms is they do not understand the power they hold, the power of “I would do anything for You.”
But I wouldn’t do “anything for You”
So how can I profess to know that to be true?
I am not submissive.
I am not submissive.
I am not submissive.
I am not submissive.
I am a hurt little girl wanting Someone to take care of her.
And I can’t possibly truly submit from that place because that hurt little girl is too scared to let go.
If there is any one constructive suggestion I can offer You it would be this:
As You move forward, look for someone who can operate out of her adult, not her child.
Since I believe it is highly unlikely that subs don’t at least occasionally operate out of their child, then consider this:
When You did things that hurt me deep inside, it went so deep because it was not the adult me that You had hurt, but the little girl instead. I would then come to You as an adult, we would talk as adults, You would apologize to my adult, my adult self would hear You, but it never made it back down to the little girl. She stayed hurt. She would come out more wounded than ever every time something else went awry because she never got the apology for the last thing that hurt her.
Yes, it was my job to transport that apology into the depths of myself, but may I offer You this: In Your next relationship, if You believe it is possible that the hurting has touched Your submissive’s little girl, apologize to the adult woman before You. Then, bring her down…to her knees, to her subspace, to her little girl, whatever it is You do to get her there…bring her down there and keep her there for a minute so, that You and she BOTH know she is there. Then hold her face in Your hands, look into her eyes as deep as You can, and apologize again. This time to the little girl.
I can bet it makes a difference, because it was never the logical adult woman that You hurt. The can make sense of it and let things go. It’s the little girl You need to be talking to.
I hope that You find all of the happiness You deserve. You are, and always were far more Dominant that I was submissive. I was just too scared at that point to be capable of seeing it. And I am so fucking sorry for turning Your life upside down.
I miss You and I wish I could have brought You the happiness that You so deserve. I pray for You that the one that can serve You best finds her way to You soon.*
(Note: if that wasn’t all poignant enough, she added on the outside that she was sorry she didn’t have a proper envelope for the letter)
Michael
i can hardly see the keyboard at this point. In many ways my relationship (current) is similar to what you describe. I have known your posts sciice the begining, i beleive, this is my 3rd nick, i have been on here since 2004/2005. My Dominant was very similar to how you describe yourself in the begining. (yes i remember crappy dom) I think your progress and growth surpasses His, but i have hope.. progress is progress. I just need to say that i am truly touched, and amazed, and yes, even in awe of you... (i made a post about awe once)
I have written similar emails.
smiles softly at Him...there is no one else that would have any hope with me, except Him, and perhaps, You, at one of Mercnbeth's parties... ;) and, omg your pics and posts never fail to make me hot..;)
ps:
i love woodworking, and have my own lathe..:)
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