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For those who like to play with fear - 5/22/2010 7:20:02 PM   
mistoferin


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Nope, I know, not everyone is into the "fear factor"...this is kind of aimed at those who are though. I'm especially thinking of how trust could work against the fear in scenes like mind fucks, maybe even making it impossible.

We often hear "s" types say "I trust him/her completely and know that while he/she may hurt me, he/she will never harm me".

Considering this, how do you as a Dominant/Master/Top create the level of fear that you desire in your scenes? Or from the perspective of the "s" type, what is it that allows you to fear despite the high trust level?



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RE: For those who like to play with fear - 5/22/2010 9:04:39 PM   
LadyAngelika


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erin, first, can I say I'm happy to see a post from you here? ;-)

I would say that the first thing that is necessary to create this element is to understand my partner inside out. Playing with fear is a really tricky thing because the last thing you want is someone flipping out on you. Also, to be effective, you have to figure out exactly what it is that they fear.

Now you are right, the more someone trusts me, the less they will fear me. But I do find ways.

For example, if I know there is an instrument they fear, I might have them tied up, gagged and then take out an instrument they fear and say something like "Now if I remember correctly, you really like this, right?" and then watch their eyes bulge out and have their head shake no... and then I can play that up, build it up, etc. That's just one example.

Another example is to tell them that I'm planning something I know they don't want to do, and I bring it up daily and tell them it's coming up. I tease them about it and watch them agonize and try to come to terms with it. It's quite lovely to see them squirm, really ;-)

Now I know I can't play these games with just anyone, so I will dose this based on the partner I'm with. This is why it's so important to understand them and how they are wired.

- LA


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RE: For those who like to play with fear - 5/22/2010 9:25:16 PM   
mistoferin


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Thanks LadyA, it's great to see you too! I couldn't get my posts to go through here for the longest time, I think I must have clicked some setting on my computer or something. Anyway, had some work done to it awhile back and I guess it must have cleared it. Yay!

Another discussion got me thinking about this fear topic. I couldn't really think of a way that Sir could actually make me afraid of him at this point. Oh he could definitely make me fearful of the intensity to which he may do something...or as you said, something that he knows I'm not really wanting to do. But I don't think he could make me feel as though I were in actual danger and experience that resulting terror. The only way I think that could occur is if he were to play upon one of my irrational fears....a phobia. But Wow, that would be such a slippery slope. Phobias can often be very deep seated and as you said, you don't really want someone flipping out on you.

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There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

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RE: For those who like to play with fear - 5/22/2010 9:33:37 PM   
Hawkwindblues


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Although it sounds like i copy LadyA, MistofErin, wonderful to read you!

To explain how fear often function despite established love/trust/sympathy i will use something the author of the dexter books Jeff Lindsay describes. His charcter has a daily or usual personality with which he lives his more or less normal life and his dark passenger which takes the steering wheel when he kills somebody or do something quite serious.

Luckily i am not a serial killer myself (or plan to become) or have been with one, but the men who turned me on the most and my husband is no exception to that have all a dark passenger and the moment they switch partly into that partition of themselves creates fear very easily, it feels archaic because depending on how strong they switch i even get nauseus (i think it is really a biochemical reaction). None of the men i was with switched fully, but i have most of them seen switch more than with me in other situations and i would not like to be on the receiving end. Do not get me wrong, i do not mean that they run around and fight physically. It is really hard to describe.

As i am a switch i have my own dark passenger and in my experience if i let him (because mine is def. masculine) loose, creates fear in itself, i switch in my cold sadisctic leading without question side. The same side of me i have used in political debates of importance in my political organized time, during difficult leading situations and on the street in various situaitions.

I am not quite sure, that i was really able to explain it, but i did my best.

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RE: For those who like to play with fear - 5/22/2010 10:07:34 PM   
shivermetimbers


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quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin
Or from the perspective of the "s" type, what is it that allows you to fear despite the high trust level?


There is always the element of something going awry. No matter how much you trust someone, when you are bound, and you are getting beaten, that fear an errant shot meant for someplace meaty instead hits the testicles way harder than they should be, or being burned when playing with fire.  It's always in the back of my mind, because I know even experts can at times have a horrid accident.

And quite honestly, I love having that element of fear.  My entire focus is on us, nothing else seems to penetrate my mind.

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RE: For those who like to play with fear - 5/22/2010 10:22:13 PM   
mistoferin


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Thank you Hawkwindblues,

Yes, I believe that most of us have a "dark" passenger. Sir certainly does and it's very evident when he lets that sadistic side of himself free. But even that said, he can get my adrenalin running, he can definitely make me nervous...but I honestly don't know if he could pull off a serious mind fuck with me if he were trying to get me to believe that I would be permanently harmed. I just know that he would never cause me actual harm on purpose.

Now, my definition of harm and the next person's are likely two very different things. Sir and I do love to play and dance right on the edge. Also, as shivermetimbers mentioned, accidents are always a possibility that play at the back of one's mind and that does make for some moments of accelerated heart rates at times. I guess though that I am talking about a different level of fear here that I am wondering if it can be achieved in a relationship that's got some healthy trust built and some time behind it.

< Message edited by mistoferin -- 5/22/2010 10:24:04 PM >


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Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to Hawkwindblues)
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RE: For those who like to play with fear - 5/22/2010 10:54:34 PM   
LadyNTrainer


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A very good thread on this subject is a few pages pack.  Do you want to be (a little) afraid of your partner?

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RE: For those who like to play with fear - 5/22/2010 11:07:44 PM   
littlewonder


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While I trust Master implicitly, he still strikes fear in me quite often because I know for a fact that if he says he's going to do something...he's gonna do it, whether I like it or not, whether I enjoy it or not and there's some things he talks about that leaves me wanting to run and hide!

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RE: For those who like to play with fear - 5/22/2010 11:58:27 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


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Scene space is irrational. Give someone the right stimulation, the right anxiety triggers, nice homilies and proverbs aren't much help.

Part of what I need is that cold streak in them- knowing full well they COULD fuck me up and leave me to die, that part of them actually really WANTS to do that. They aren't pretending that part of them, and both of us know it.

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RE: For those who like to play with fear - 5/23/2010 12:55:43 AM   
reynardfox


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The people I play with know well enough that I can turn extremely nasty at the drop of a hat and that it took me a lifetime to develop the friendly outgoing side of me. Oddly enough I think it's the sadist in me that gives me the control to stay pleasant most of the time.
I am told that some of my friends get very excited when they first learn to understand that what I am doing to them is only a small token of what I want to do, and that hearing them scream and squeal is the most tantalising tease imaginable.
My demenour and looks tend to disturb and unnerve people in daily life and I have to work against that. I have not go much time for people I don't want to play with and am coldly brusque and sarcastic. I suppose I am naturally cruel.
The real element of fear in my sexual relationships comes into play as people I know, grow to understand that the funny and unassuming man they have befriended has a very dark core inside that humourous persona.
Once I get into play mode, you can see the devil lurking in the clown.
I see that reflected in their eyes.
My wife of the last thirty years assures me that I am quite scary when excited.

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RE: For those who like to play with fear - 5/23/2010 1:44:46 AM   
Hawkwindblues


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MistofErin,

from what i read over the years about the way you conduct your relationships, the dancing or being on the edge connotation is certainly very important in the question you asked, but later in the thread LA writes:

"Part of what I need is that cold streak in them- knowing full well they COULD fuck me up and leave me to die, that part of them actually really WANTS to do that. They aren't pretending that part of them, and both of us know it."

And that is exactly what i tried to describe, there is no pretending by my partners and the same goes for me, when i let my dP loose, in situations on the street at night as i was much younger, i never said: I want to kill you and i will do it, when you do not stop, but as people who witnessed the situation said, it kind of emanated out of me like fog. Sometimes i use that energy in SM too, it is not dangerous because i am in a highly controlled sadistice modus. No red mist/only blue ice, cold spring air in the dolomites and total awareness.



< Message edited by Hawkwindblues -- 5/23/2010 1:46:10 AM >


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RE: For those who like to play with fear - 5/23/2010 7:08:46 AM   
DomImus


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quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin
We often hear "s" types say "I trust him/her completely and know that while he/she may hurt me, he/she will never harm me".


Yes, this is a very common statement. It seems to me that if a submissive truly believes that the dominant will never harm them then generating that level of fear in the submissive is not possible. It can only be logically possible if the submissive truly believes there is a possibility that the dominant may go "off the rails" and harm them. That's an entirely different discussion to me. I don't personally know any submissives who would put themselves in that position although they likely exist depending on your definition of "harm".

Having said all of that I have to rely on the activity to generate the fear and I select them accordingly. The sensation I am able to create is probably more aptly described as dread rather than true fear but the sensations of dread are genuine and that's close enough for me.




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RE: For those who like to play with fear - 5/23/2010 7:27:32 AM   
kiwisub12


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The whole "i trust my Sir not to harm me" thing is why knife play leaves me cold - i know that Sir isn't going to cut me, therefore fear doesn't enter into it, and while the knife is a nice sensation, it doesn't do anything for me.
Now, give him a cane, and that is a different matter - not that i am afraid, but there is a definite apprehension there.

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RE: For those who like to play with fear - 5/23/2010 8:08:22 AM   
allthatjaz


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quote:

ORIGINAL: DomImus



Yes, this is a very common statement. It seems to me that if a submissive truly believes that the dominant will never harm them then generating that level of fear in the submissive is not possible. It can only be logically possible if the submissive truly believes there is a possibility that the dominant may go "off the rails" and harm them. That's an entirely different discussion to me. I don't personally know any submissives who would put themselves in that position although they likely exist depending on your definition of "harm".



I strongly disagree with this statement.
In the cold light of day, I believe that Steve would never hurt me but play with my senses and put me into an unusual situation of vulnerability and I'm not sure what to believe anymore.
If I was sat here now, with an iota of a thought crossing my mind that Steve could really harm me, I wouldn't be typing but packing my things and clearing out. I know absolutely 100% that he wouldn't deliberately harm me but he can put me in very fearful situations where, at that moment and in that space of time, I believe he is going to harm me.

Some time ago I wrote about a kidnap. Not the sort of kidnap I had fantasized about but a cold and callous act that left me believing I was fighting for my survival. He barely touched me but he confused me to the extent that it became very real.
It was an amazing experience that was instigated by the man that I love and totally trust.

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RE: For those who like to play with fear - 5/23/2010 8:14:38 AM   
Andalusite


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I posted a very similar thread about 3 months ago. http://www.collarchat.com/m_3057745/mpage_1/tm.htm We decided not to pursue it, because we were concerned that I would get violent if pushed that far.

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RE: For those who like to play with fear - 5/23/2010 10:07:30 AM   
LadyNTrainer


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quote:

ORIGINAL: LA
"Part of what I need is that cold streak in them- knowing full well they COULD fuck me up and leave me to die, that part of them actually really WANTS to do that. They aren't pretending that part of them, and both of us know it."


The partner I do fear play with refers to it as something like a willing suspension of disbelief mixed in with that little edge of uncertainty.  If you have even that little edge, you may not believe in ghosts in the daylight, but watch a scary movie with the lights off and you might be jumping.   He knows that I cherish him deeply and that I am committed to protecting him and keeping him safe - even, mostly, from myself.  He also knows I can get into a mental state that is primal enough that I may not actually recognize him, and that I don't differentiate very well between people and animals when I'm there.  If it moves, it's prey.  If it moves wrong, it's a threat.  He trusts in my control not to slip too far or for too long into that place, and I trust myself as well.  But there is always that edge of knowing that the capacity is there.


quote:

ORIGINAL: Hawkwindblues
And that is exactly what i tried to describe, there is no pretending by my partners and the same goes for me, when i let my dP loose, in situations on the street at night as i was much younger, i never said: I want to kill you and i will do it, when you do not stop, but as people who witnessed the situation said, it kind of emanated out of me like fog. Sometimes i use that energy in SM too, it is not dangerous because i am in a highly controlled sadistice modus. No red mist/only blue ice, cold spring air in the dolomites and total awareness.


If I'm reading past your poetic metaphor correctly, there are some strong similarities to my experience.  My own capacity for violence without remorse is not connected to human anger at all.  It's quieter than that, and clearer than that.  There is a primal savagery to it, but it is not hot rage so much as interested desire and calm calculation.  A lion has that same good natured, pleasant but pitiless hunger in his eyes when he stalks prey.  It's just what we do, and it tastes good.  Also it's fun.


quote:

ORIGINAL: DomImus
It seems to me that if a submissive truly believes that the dominant will never harm them then generating that level of fear in the submissive is not possible. It can only be logically possible if the submissive truly believes there is a possibility that the dominant may go "off the rails" and harm them. That's an entirely different discussion to me. I don't personally know any submissives who would put themselves in that position although they likely exist depending on your definition of "harm".


Ever watched a horror movie and been scared, even if you don't really believe in monsters in the daytime? 

I suspect the experience is similar for my fear play partner, accentuated by the knowledge that there really is a savage predatory beast in my head.  Both of us do trust that I will not harm him, but for him it's still a lot like playing with lions.  Tame lions may play with you, and they may even be genuinely loving and affectionate.  But make no mistake that they also want to hunt and kill.  If you blur the behavioral lines between friend and prey, if a rough play sequence turns into a kill sequence, that's when keepers can die.  That knowledge can be about respect as much as fear, but the two are intimately connected.


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RE: For those who like to play with fear - 5/23/2010 10:17:44 AM   
LadyPact


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quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Scene space is irrational. Give someone the right stimulation, the right anxiety triggers, nice homilies and proverbs aren't much help.

Part of what I need is that cold streak in them- knowing full well they COULD fuck me up and leave me to die, that part of them actually really WANTS to do that. They aren't pretending that part of them, and both of us know it.

It has a lot to do with this.

While I tend to believe that most people have an intelligent, logical part of their brain, that isn't exactly the part of them that they are relying on when they are swept up in the very triggers that bring on this type of response.  Walk up to clip in the middle of his normal day and ask him if he's afraid of Me.  Of course he's going to tell you no.  However, at that time, he's not caught up in the middle of the scene, where his body is processing sensations, and I'm not verbally or visually introducing suggestion.  It isn't when his censors are on overload and the immediate unknown of what is next aren't clouding his judgment.  It isn't when he is in control of what is going to happen to him, or has any ability to do so.

Past play times can work either for you or against you in establishing fear.  Sure, clip has the knowledge that his safe word has stopped play in the past and I have honored it.  At the same time, he also knows that I have pushed him farther and done things to him that he never imagined before we actually did them.  This leaves him a little unbalanced because he really does know the depth of My sadism.  Literally knows the level of how far it reaches and what I might decide to do.  That's all it takes, really.

It takes a much greater amount of evidence to convince someone to have complete faith.  Fear only takes a spec of possibility combined with other external factors.


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RE: For those who like to play with fear - 5/23/2010 12:26:52 PM   
lobodomslavery


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ive only recently got out into the real world and away from the computer. i went to a fetish party to see what is like and mix with the group socially , it was pretty cool, i dont know at this stage whether i want to play yet though myself. i didnt play on the night. i m very much putting my toes in the water here, im at block one
kevin

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RE: For those who like to play with fear - 5/23/2010 4:02:21 PM   
kyraofMists


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For me, there is a large area he can play with between hurt and harm and I know that he is willing to inflict a hell of a lot of pain. He is willing to inflict a lot more pain that I would find pleasurable. That is where the fear comes in for me.

Knight's Kyra

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"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

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RE: For those who like to play with fear - 5/23/2010 4:38:41 PM   
PeonForHer


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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyNTrainer

A very good thread on this subject is a few pages pack.  Do you want to be (a little) afraid of your partner?


I wish I'd seen that thread. Yep, count me in on the 'bit of fear' team.

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