Play before love, finding oneself and other newbie questions (Full Version)

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learning2sub -> Play before love, finding oneself and other newbie questions (1/14/2010 4:05:21 PM)

I am extremely new to the lifestyle and occasionally play with a Dom who has been in it since he was 18.  It's like we're at opposite ends of the spectrum sometimes and for me it can be daunting.  He is very patient and understanding but it's not always been so easy.

He feels the lifestyle is 'backward' to how vanilla relationships take place.  In BDSM you push a person this way and that, open them up then, then discover if you want more as far as love and a relationship, whereas vanilla is about dating, getting to know them THEN you open up.  Not sure if I'm relaying this properly.  That being said, when he brought me in, the shock and awe of it, his strength, etc. caused me to wrap my emotions up in him even though he's made it crystal clear he is not ready to look for a relationship behind D/s right now (long story that involves being laid off, divorced, bankruptcy, etc.).  I can respect all of this but I've slipped back on old behaviours on more than one occasion.

For those who are poly or play without getting too involved with someone, how do you compartmentalize?  I truly would like to be able to play with others but am trying to figure out how to keep the heart out of it.  In time I would like to have a Dom I could give my heart and something special to but I am open to both of us playing outside of the relationship.  I understand how that can work yet I seem to fall back on the 'nilla ways when things are strained.

The Dom has expressed to me I need to find myself.  I know this to be true.  I won't lie, I have self worth issues but I am facing them and growing a little each day.  Is it possible to find yourself and still play?

I'd love to find a mentor or someone experienced who could share their experiences and any suggestions they might have.  I've been to a couple local munches and was not overly impressed.  Good people don't get me wrong but... it's a very different atmosphere.  Much more different than other areas.

Thanks for listening.



breatheasone -> RE: Play before love, finding oneself and other newbie questions (1/14/2010 4:20:36 PM)

Welcome to the boards. i would be VERY hesitant to get ALL my info on anything from just ONE person. So its good that you are asking others for in put. i am probably capable of playing without my heart being involved BUT i don't want to....i WANT it to only be with the ONE that is right for me, that i love. (or at least care for very deeply) Yes BDSM is different from vanilla, but not like you think. BDSM, vanilla...those are flavors, thats all. A relationship is STILL two people getting together, discovering each other, falling in love (or your version of it) becoming a couple. Its only backwards if you WANT it to be. Just my[sm=2cents.gif]



FlamingRedhead -> RE: Play before love, finding oneself and other newbie questions (1/14/2010 4:51:43 PM)

I play casually fairly frequently and compartmentalize by only playing with others at the local dungeon where sex isn't allowed, except during certain parties. I have a SO who is kinky and dominant, although not lifestyle, and he is the only one I submit to.



peppermint -> RE: Play before love, finding oneself and other newbie questions (1/14/2010 4:56:05 PM)

I got into all this after I turned 50.  I was very fortunate that the very first Dom I played with became a very good friend.  I do understand that many subs fall in love with their first Doms.  However, I was playing with others on occasion at events and this did not happen to me.  My outlook on all this was that I was having a lot of fun.  I was also practical in realizing that my first Dom and I, although we could be good friends, were not compatible in the long term.  At an event I did meet a Dom who started out as a friend, and then because more.  We are all now great friends.  My first Dom finally found the one he was searching for.  They are much more compatible as partners than he and I ever could be.  



sweetsub1957 -> RE: Play before love, finding oneself and other newbie questions (1/14/2010 5:03:20 PM)

~FR~
Before I met Sir, I had a play partner/FWB.  We were, and still are, very good friends.  We understood at the beginning that that's all it would be is play & not love, so I continued to look for love & found it.  When I did, my play partner & I became friends without benefits.  We liked the situation because we both knew we were "clean" & we could trust each other, and we both got our D/s needs taken care of while we were still searching.  And yes, I "found myself" and my niche in this life during that time.  He taught me a lot & I learned about some things I do & don't like, and what I really want out of a full relationship.  I have never regretted my play time with him.



learning2sub -> RE: Play before love, finding oneself and other newbie questions (1/14/2010 5:27:39 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: FlamingRedhead

I play casually fairly frequently and compartmentalize by only playing with others at the local dungeon where sex isn't allowed, except during certain parties. I have a SO who is kinky and dominant, although not lifestyle, and he is the only one I submit to.


That brings up another question for me... how does one know if they are just kinky and not into the lifestyle?  Where is the boundary?



learning2sub -> RE: Play before love, finding oneself and other newbie questions (1/14/2010 5:30:37 PM)

I think part of my problem has been wanting a relationship and letting that cross over into play.  We are quite compatible but I know he wants me to find my place in the lifestyle without his influence.  I understand that just have trouble focusing for various reasons.



Jeffff -> RE: Play before love, finding oneself and other newbie questions (1/14/2010 5:33:40 PM)

The boundary is where you decide it is. You are new, everyone was new once. If it feels right to you, it is right.

If it feels wrong, it is wrong. It;s really pretty simple.

I don't know this dom and I don't know you but you are entitled to find your own way. You are going to hear a lot of people, telling you a lot of things.

Use what is useful and throw away the rest. Anyone who tells you that you are doing it wrong is full of shit.

Jeff



breatheasone -> RE: Play before love, finding oneself and other newbie questions (1/14/2010 5:46:02 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Jeffff

The boundary is where you decide it is. You are new, everyone was new once. If it feels right to you, it is right.

If it feels wrong, it is wrong. It;s really pretty simple.

I don't know this dom and I don't know you but you are entitled to find your own way. You are going to hear a lot of people, telling you a lot of things.

Use what is useful and throw away the rest. Anyone who tells you that you are doing it wrong is full of shit.

Jeff

What he said....
Don't fall for that, "You are not a true sub because you wouldn't play on the 1st date, or because you wouldn't show up on our 1st meet without panties, or PICK IT"....Don't let any one pull that crap on you.




KnightofMists -> RE: Play before love, finding oneself and other newbie questions (1/14/2010 5:48:31 PM)

some people just can't keep the heart out it! Look deep in yourself and ask

... do you truly believe that you could keep your emotions out of what you do on sexual/physical level?

... do you truly believe that you could keep your emotions out of what requires you to open yourself and trust another?

If you can't believe you will do it... you never will beable to do it



peppermint -> RE: Play before love, finding oneself and other newbie questions (1/14/2010 5:52:21 PM)

quote:

That brings up another question for me... how does one know if they are just kinky and not into the lifestyle? Where is the boundary?


I do think the boundary between kinky vanilla and lifestyle is very hazy.  The way I look at it is that the lifestyle stuff is based on the mental, the power exchange.  Without that power exchange it's just plain kinky. 



FlamingRedhead -> RE: Play before love, finding oneself and other newbie questions (1/14/2010 5:54:25 PM)

When I say he's not "lifestyle," I mean he doesn't believe in collaring, contracts, making up a bunch of rules and tasks and punishments, protocol, titles, wearing leather, etc. He just likes kinky sex, and he wants a girl who does what he says and doesn't give him a headache.



breatheasone -> RE: Play before love, finding oneself and other newbie questions (1/14/2010 5:56:37 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: FlamingRedhead

When I say he's not "lifestyle," I mean he doesn't believe in collaring, contracts, making up a bunch of rules and tasks and punishments, protocol, titles, wearing leather, etc. He just likes kinky sex, and he wants a girl who does what he says and doesn't give him a headache.

But i know a couple just like that, and they do consider themselves lifestyle LOL. i guess you can call it macaroni as long as it works for you.



ForeverOwned -> RE: Play before love, finding oneself and other newbie questions (1/14/2010 6:10:56 PM)

It would seem to me that if you are interested in a relationship that you should let people know and put it on your profile if you haven't already. i think you will just keep on getting your heart broke going from person to person to person hoping that play might turn into something. That's not to say that you shouldn;t play at all, but i would lean towards the people that want the same things as you do.



FlamingRedhead -> RE: Play before love, finding oneself and other newbie questions (1/14/2010 6:13:37 PM)

LOL! Well, he thinks I'm a bit of a freak because I like some of that "Dungeons and Dragons stuff," i.e. collars, contracts, etc., and my lifestyle friends like to tease me about not having a "real" dom. Frankly, I don't care what he says or they say.....whatever it is, it works.



breatheasone -> RE: Play before love, finding oneself and other newbie questions (1/14/2010 7:49:56 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: FlamingRedhead

LOL! Well, he thinks I'm a bit of a freak because I like some of that "Dungeons and Dragons stuff," i.e. collars, contracts, etc., and my lifestyle friends like to tease me about not having a "real" dom. Frankly, I don't care what he says or they say.....whatever it is, it works.

Yep[;)]



NihilusZero -> RE: Play before love, finding oneself and other newbie questions (1/14/2010 8:25:35 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: learning2sub

For those who are poly or play without getting too involved with someone, how do you compartmentalize?

Are you asking this because you feel it is the only option available to you or because this is how you actually want to treat these facets of your life?



sexyred1 -> RE: Play before love, finding oneself and other newbie questions (1/14/2010 8:29:53 PM)

I don't see what is wrong with keeping your heart included. If that is how you are wired, stay true to that. You don't have to compartmentalize just because others have told you to do so or that is the "true way".



learning2sub -> RE: Play before love, finding oneself and other newbie questions (1/14/2010 8:40:26 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

some people just can't keep the heart out it! Look deep in yourself and ask

... do you truly believe that you could keep your emotions out of what you do on sexual/physical level?

... do you truly believe that you could keep your emotions out of what requires you to open yourself and trust another?

If you can't believe you will do it... you never will beable to do it

au contraire.. I do truly believe I can do it.  I have in the past just not very often.




learning2sub -> RE: Play before love, finding oneself and other newbie questions (1/14/2010 8:46:25 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: NihilusZero

quote:

ORIGINAL: learning2sub

For those who are poly or play without getting too involved with someone, how do you compartmentalize?

Are you asking this because you feel it is the only option available to you or because this is how you actually want to treat these facets of your life?


How else can they be treated?  For me, if my heart is involved it screws with my head too much thus I need to compartmentalize.  All my life though, sex has equaled love.  I have had sex without it but like many on the vanilla side, I've always been lead to believe that is not "normal" so I focused on being in love with those I had sex with.



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