quote:

ORIGINAL: TearsofLove92

Personally, dismissive.
Dismissive owners. That rings a (alarm) bell.

. In the process of all of this, they lost themselves in me, and I forced them to leave my life, as I never wanted to "make" a perfect girl, I've wanted to find one that is "perfect" for me, all flaws included.

Slaves who lose themselves.....yes hand up guilty.
Based on different earlier research which set the scene for all attacment theory

(again loads of references but this has a movie clip: http://alevelpsychology.co.uk/developmental-psychology/attachment/types-of-attachment-and-mary-ainsworths-strange-situation-studies.html)

I am ambivalent in attachments but I guess according to the later four styles I am fearful. 'Fearfuls' lose themselves in others to find security?

quote:

ORIGINAL: TearsofLove92

Dismissive rings an alarm bell in my own head, but I have figured out what exactly this means to me. It doesn't mean I automatically want to tell the person off, or that I don't care, it simply means that while I like them and things are going great, I am not afraid to lose them. In my case, it also means I'm not afraid to do anything drastic that I have to, should the situation present itself where I need her out of my life.

When I started having the "dismissive" mentality, I quit seeking for a while, just to soul search and figure ME out, and I came up with that. To narrow it down, everybody is like that to a degree. "Do what I think I have to, no matter what, and don't regret after it's done."  I just took it to another level, one which is hard to explain in words more often than not, but I am trying.

On the topic of losing themselves, it IS for security. Often, people who lose themselves in others have little to no self esteem, and they figure if they put EVERYTHING into the hands of another person, the other person will control their life, and since in their mind "I am a horrible failure", they think the person controlling them will lead them to success.

However, in most cases, the person who has the power is just somebody on a power trip, the type of guy that would go into a bar and brag about things. "Hey folks, I got this bitch, yeah, she's hot, and she totally lets me control her, lol!" That kind of person.

Personally, I don't allow anybody to give me their love, life, and self until I know they aren't a completely broken mess. Major problems are part of existence, but when a person is COMPLETELY lost to the point of handing their life over to somebody just so somebody else can fix it, that's where enough is enough, and I leave.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx

Questions:
Which styles of attachment have you encountered when ‘meeting’ (first connecting to and/or actually meeting someone from the internet? For example were they dismissive, were they sevure and so on?
If you are in a dynamic what style of attachment do you consider you have and what style of attachment do you consider your significant other has?
Do these styles conform to roles? For example are slaves secure attachers? Are switches preocuupied?
Thank you. Attachment style has pre-occupied me and fascinated me for many years.  

quote:

ORIGINAL: Leiren

I don't mean to be hurtful, Prinsexx. But in the short time I've been registered here at CM, most of your posts come across as distrustful and unwilling to engage in the alternative life styles that most of us thrive on.

Whatever your particular hurt is, I sincerely hope you can heal it without being so 'in people's faces'.

I wish you well.

quote:

ORIGINAL: TearsofLove92

quote:

ORIGINAL: Leiren

I don't mean to be hurtful, Prinsexx. But in the short time I've been registered here at CM, most of your posts come across as distrustful and unwilling to engage in the alternative life styles that most of us thrive on.

Whatever your particular hurt is, I sincerely hope you can heal it without being so 'in people's faces'.

I wish you well.

I looked at some post history, I'd say well guarded more than anything else, and nobody can blame a person for that, especially in this lifestyle.

quote:

ORIGINAL: porcelaine

in my earlier years i'd have identified as secure without a question, but i've changed a lot. in respect to friendships i'd say the same is true, but when seeking companionship i'm much more dismissive until i have some inkling we're on the same page. it seems futile to make an unnecessary emotional investment in something that may not come to pass. plus i've experienced the not so pleasant side of doing such and i'd avoid it any way that i could.

this isn't to say that i don't give the person some credence, but the jury is always out until we've had some time face to face. there are too many variables that i can't ignore until that occurs. as a slave i'd say i'm definitely secure, but will confess that the surrender is intrinsically related to the connection we share. i find that the greater the mental/emotional bond the deeper the attachment forms. if these things are low or lacking in some respect i lean more towards other stances instead. great question!

porcelaine

quote:

ORIGINAL: Leiren

I don't mean to be hurtful, Prinsexx. But in the short time I've been registered here at CM, most of your posts come across as distrustful and unwilling to engage in the alternative life styles that most of us thrive on.

Whatever your particular hurt is, I sincerely hope you can heal it without being so 'in people's faces'.

I wish you well.

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Having had a healthy and secure relationship with my parents, damaged by my genetic depression I am not willing to entertain emotionally cold relationships. But of course, at some point you have to stop blaming your parents and heal yourself.

Because of depression, starting in childhood, long before the advent of SSRIs, I've done enough talk therapy to know what is and is not healthy and to have my head overrule my heart if on a dispassionate assessment of the other person's actions I determine he is not someone I can safely allow myself to be emotionally vulnerable to and who, in turn, is capable of being emotionally vulnerable himself.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx

And great answers thank you.
It sets up another question and that is:
Do you (others reading) form a different attachment style in bdsm relationships than in other forms of relationship?

quote:

ORIGINAL: porcelaine

quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx

And great answers thank you.
It sets up another question and that is:
Do you (others reading) form a different attachment style in bdsm relationships than in other forms of relationship?

you're most welcome. i always appreciate thought provoking threads.

not necessarily. i have a mentor in the lifestyle and we have a friendship as well. we've been working together for four years and we function in both ways. i respect her for who she is and the things she's brought to my life as both a mentor and friend and acknowledge them both. on the other hand there is a definitely some element of exchange involved and i treat her differently. i would say in this vain i'm definitely secure and feel quite comfortable sharing with her.

overall my friendships fall along a hierarchy and there are those i share with far more than others. the person sitting atop the heap would have a greater level of access and transparency than i'm willing to grant to those beneath her. this isn't to say that can never happen, but the likelihood of her being usurped is very low. my love for her and the connection we share is markedly different from the rest.

in general i find that i'm much more open with my friends. we have very deep bonds and are both supportive and a constant for one another. the friendships have existed for long periods of time and during my high and low moments i trust they are there when i'm in need. there's also the fact that all of my friends are directly involved with or have a defined interest in the lifestyle. the usual subjects that may be taboo or off topic for others are not an issue. either i'm truly lucky or i've found a nucleus of disturbed people that i feel at home with. either way i can say they've earned their place and the trust and love that comes in tandem.

porcelaine

quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

Well, I didn't read all 48 pages, but based on the labels I'd have to assume that I am "secure attachment style"

quote:

ORIGINAL: Leiren

I don't mean to be hurtful, Prinsexx. But in the short time I've been registered here at CM, most of your posts come across as distrustful and unwilling to engage in the alternative life styles that most of us thrive on.

Whatever your particular hurt is, I sincerely hope you can heal it without being so 'in people's faces'.

I wish you well.