Style of attachment, meeting and maintaining a dynamic

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Prinsexx -> Style of attachment, meeting and maintaining a dynamic (8/23/2009 3:45:06 PM)
Attachment, or emotional bonding is considered one of the most important aspects of human development and behaviour. The basic principle is that your bonding with your early caregiver in childhood provides the template for your ideal relationships in late life. Four styles are currenty considered to predominate: Secure attachment style, dismissive, preoccupied and fearful. (loads of research but see: http://www.era.lib.ed.ac.uk/bitstream/1842/2322/1/Hope+dissertation.pdf) There is evidence to suggest that adults sustain these styles in romantic relationships BUT that these styles also pertain to strangers when they meet. This has implications for meeting here on this site, it has implications for creating and sustaining a dynamic. Questions: Which styles of attachment have you encountered when ‘meeting’ (first connecting to and/or actually meeting someone from the internet? For example were they dismissive, were they sevure and so on? If you are in a dynamic what style of attachment do you consider you have and what style of attachment do you consider your significant other has? Do these styles conform to roles? For example are slaves secure attachers? Are switches preocuupied? Thank you. Attachment style has pre-occupied me and fascinated me for many years.

TearsofLove92 -> RE: Style o attachment, meeting and maintaining a dynamic (8/23/2009 3:49:44 PM)
Personally, dismissive. I enjoyed the time, but know that at any second it can end, and so I did not attatch completley, at least not at first. With some of my more serious and longer lasting experiances, I grew attatched and became "loving". It made me MORE aware of how to please my slave, and how she should please me, and in the end helped the relationship. As far as people I have met, most grew attached right away, leading me to believe that I am A: amazing and holy, or B: they love the idea of finally having somebody. No doubt, the answer was B. In the process of all of this, they lost themselves in me, and I forced them to leave my life, as I never wanted to "make" a perfect girl, I've wanted to find one that is "perfect" for me, all flaws included.

Prinsexx -> RE: Style o attachment, meeting and maintaining a dynamic (8/23/2009 3:57:50 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TearsofLove92 Personally, dismissive. Dismissive owners. That rings a (alarm) bell. . In the process of all of this, they lost themselves in me, and I forced them to leave my life, as I never wanted to "make" a perfect girl, I've wanted to find one that is "perfect" for me, all flaws included. Slaves who lose themselves.....yes hand up guilty. Based on different earlier research which set the scene for all attacment theory (again loads of references but this has a movie clip: http://alevelpsychology.co.uk/developmental-psychology/attachment/types-of-attachment-and-mary-ainsworths-strange-situation-studies.html) I am ambivalent in attachments but I guess according to the later four styles I am fearful. 'Fearfuls' lose themselves in others to find security?

TearsofLove92 -> RE: Style o attachment, meeting and maintaining a dynamic (8/23/2009 4:04:41 PM)
Dismissive rings an alarm bell in my own head, but I have figured out what exactly this means to me. It doesn't mean I automatically want to tell the person off, or that I don't care, it simply means that while I like them and things are going great, I am not afraid to lose them. In my case, it also means I'm not afraid to do anything drastic that I have to, should the situation present itself where I need her out of my life. When I started having the "dismissive" mentality, I quit seeking for a while, just to soul search and figure ME out, and I came up with that. To narrow it down, everybody is like that to a degree. "Do what I think I have to, no matter what, and don't regret after it's done." I just took it to another level, one which is hard to explain in words more often than not, but I am trying. On the topic of losing themselves, it IS for security. Often, people who lose themselves in others have little to no self esteem, and they figure if they put EVERYTHING into the hands of another person, the other person will control their life, and since in their mind "I am a horrible failure", they think the person controlling them will lead them to success. However, in most cases, the person who has the power is just somebody on a power trip, the type of guy that would go into a bar and brag about things. "Hey folks, I got this bitch, yeah, she's hot, and she totally lets me control her, lol!" That kind of person. Personally, I don't allow anybody to give me their love, life, and self until I know they aren't a completely broken mess. Major problems are part of existence, but when a person is COMPLETELY lost to the point of handing their life over to somebody just so somebody else can fix it, that's where enough is enough, and I leave.

Prinsexx -> RE: Style o attachment, meeting and maintaining a dynamic (8/23/2009 4:14:13 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TearsofLove92 Dismissive rings an alarm bell in my own head, but I have figured out what exactly this means to me. It doesn't mean I automatically want to tell the person off, or that I don't care, it simply means that while I like them and things are going great, I am not afraid to lose them. In my case, it also means I'm not afraid to do anything drastic that I have to, should the situation present itself where I need her out of my life. When I started having the "dismissive" mentality, I quit seeking for a while, just to soul search and figure ME out, and I came up with that. To narrow it down, everybody is like that to a degree. "Do what I think I have to, no matter what, and don't regret after it's done." I just took it to another level, one which is hard to explain in words more often than not, but I am trying. On the topic of losing themselves, it IS for security. Often, people who lose themselves in others have little to no self esteem, and they figure if they put EVERYTHING into the hands of another person, the other person will control their life, and since in their mind "I am a horrible failure", they think the person controlling them will lead them to success. However, in most cases, the person who has the power is just somebody on a power trip, the type of guy that would go into a bar and brag about things. "Hey folks, I got this bitch, yeah, she's hot, and she totally lets me control her, lol!" That kind of person. Personally, I don't allow anybody to give me their love, life, and self until I know they aren't a completely broken mess. Major problems are part of existence, but when a person is COMPLETELY lost to the point of handing their life over to somebody just so somebody else can fix it, that's where enough is enough, and I leave. Actually I put a question mark against myself as fearful becasue the situation (hell) of a childhood would have created fear in anyone. My overall pattern is ambivalent (in th old schema) and preoccupied according to the current view. Ask anyone and they will tell you I am always, just always, preoccupied...with someone else othr than the guy I am with, with work when I am in relationship, and daydreaming about relationship when I am working. Good juob I am ultra skilled at multi tasking. It's when pre-occupations becaomes unhealthy.... I also have to say that most dominants who contact me are either very sismissive (the controllers) or preoccupied (air plane flights? mailing others.....). But thn again the security freaks....I've learned to run a mile from those that want to marry me, own me, collar me immediately....

TearsofLove92 -> RE: Style o attachment, meeting and maintaining a dynamic (8/23/2009 4:18:17 PM)
Ah, I see. Well, I think everybody is like that, to a degree. When in a relationship they think of something else, when doing something else they think of a relationship. Personally, I cherish every second of everything, because in one second, everything could change. You seem like you have a good head on your shoulders, so you are safe from any idiots that may be out there trying to snatch you.

porcelaine -> RE: Style of attachment, meeting and maintaining a dynamic (8/23/2009 4:23:56 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Prinsexx Questions: Which styles of attachment have you encountered when ‘meeting’ (first connecting to and/or actually meeting someone from the internet? For example were they dismissive, were they sevure and so on? If you are in a dynamic what style of attachment do you consider you have and what style of attachment do you consider your significant other has? Do these styles conform to roles? For example are slaves secure attachers? Are switches preocuupied? Thank you. Attachment style has pre-occupied me and fascinated me for many years. in my earlier years i'd have identified as secure without a question, but i've changed a lot. in respect to friendships i'd say the same is true, but when seeking companionship i'm much more dismissive until i have some inkling we're on the same page. it seems futile to make an unnecessary emotional investment in something that may not come to pass. plus i've experienced the not so pleasant side of doing such and i'd avoid it any way that i could. this isn't to say that i don't give the person some credence, but the jury is always out until we've had some time face to face. there are too many variables that i can't ignore until that occurs. as a slave i'd say i'm definitely secure, but will confess that the surrender is intrinsically related to the connection we share. i find that the greater the mental/emotional bond the deeper the attachment forms. if these things are low or lacking in some respect i lean more towards other stances instead. great question! porcelaine

Leiren -> RE: Style o attachment, meeting and maintaining a dynamic (8/23/2009 4:24:05 PM)
I don't mean to be hurtful, Prinsexx. But in the short time I've been registered here at CM, most of your posts come across as distrustful and unwilling to engage in the alternative life styles that most of us thrive on. Whatever your particular hurt is, I sincerely hope you can heal it without being so 'in people's faces'. I wish you well.

TearsofLove92 -> RE: Style o attachment, meeting and maintaining a dynamic (8/23/2009 4:32:05 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Leiren I don't mean to be hurtful, Prinsexx. But in the short time I've been registered here at CM, most of your posts come across as distrustful and unwilling to engage in the alternative life styles that most of us thrive on. Whatever your particular hurt is, I sincerely hope you can heal it without being so 'in people's faces'. I wish you well. I looked at some post history, I'd say well guarded more than anything else, and nobody can blame a person for that, especially in this lifestyle.

porcelaine -> RE: Style o attachment, meeting and maintaining a dynamic (8/23/2009 5:00:47 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TearsofLove92 quote: ORIGINAL: Leiren I don't mean to be hurtful, Prinsexx. But in the short time I've been registered here at CM, most of your posts come across as distrustful and unwilling to engage in the alternative life styles that most of us thrive on. Whatever your particular hurt is, I sincerely hope you can heal it without being so 'in people's faces'. I wish you well. I looked at some post history, I'd say well guarded more than anything else, and nobody can blame a person for that, especially in this lifestyle. and even that could be wrong. it is difficult when you don't have the person sitting in front of you. you're merely grasping at straws and drawing conclusions based upon what they've elected to share or post. sometimes it is easy to forget that everyone isn't comfortable being as transparent as others. porcelaine

Prinsexx -> RE: Style of attachment, meeting and maintaining a dynamic (8/23/2009 5:10:10 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: porcelaine in my earlier years i'd have identified as secure without a question, but i've changed a lot. in respect to friendships i'd say the same is true, but when seeking companionship i'm much more dismissive until i have some inkling we're on the same page. it seems futile to make an unnecessary emotional investment in something that may not come to pass. plus i've experienced the not so pleasant side of doing such and i'd avoid it any way that i could. this isn't to say that i don't give the person some credence, but the jury is always out until we've had some time face to face. there are too many variables that i can't ignore until that occurs. as a slave i'd say i'm definitely secure, but will confess that the surrender is intrinsically related to the connection we share. i find that the greater the mental/emotional bond the deeper the attachment forms. if these things are low or lacking in some respect i lean more towards other stances instead. great question! porcelaine And great answers thank you. It sets up another question and that is: Do you (others reading) form a different attachment style in bdsm relationships than in other forms of relationship?

DesFIP -> RE: Style o attachment, meeting and maintaining a dynamic (8/23/2009 5:13:19 PM)
Having had a healthy and secure relationship with my parents, damaged by my genetic depression I am not willing to entertain emotionally cold relationships. But of course, at some point you have to stop blaming your parents and heal yourself. Because of depression, starting in childhood, long before the advent of SSRIs, I've done enough talk therapy to know what is and is not healthy and to have my head overrule my heart if on a dispassionate assessment of the other person's actions I determine he is not someone I can safely allow myself to be emotionally vulnerable to and who, in turn, is capable of being emotionally vulnerable himself.

Prinsexx -> RE: Style o attachment, meeting and maintaining a dynamic (8/23/2009 5:18:04 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Leiren I don't mean to be hurtful, Prinsexx. But in the short time I've been registered here at CM, most of your posts come across as distrustful and unwilling to engage in the alternative life styles that most of us thrive on. Whatever your particular hurt is, I sincerely hope you can heal it without being so 'in people's faces'. I wish you well. I can;t speak for your short time on collarme. That would be hijacking my own thread. NoR can i speak about yur mpression of me. I don't know you at all. I'VE NOT READ ANY OF ALL OF YOUR 57 Posts HERE. Maybe you feel you know me better than I know myself. What is it about those who want to always diminish genuine enquiries by somehow first of all making it purely personal and then diminishing the person they are making it personal about. Maybe that is your dismissive attachment style? If you are so concerned I could write to you at length about my relationships which are not only alternative but quite extraordinary. Firstly I doubt if you reallt are that interested. And secondly I hold confidentiality about my relationships. As for wishig me well...it doesn't appear on this surface that you do. i'M ITERESTED IN GENUINE REPLIES. Edited to add: 59 posts not 57 forgive me.

Prinsexx -> RE: Style o attachment, meeting and maintaining a dynamic (8/23/2009 5:24:41 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DesFIP Having had a healthy and secure relationship with my parents, damaged by my genetic depression I am not willing to entertain emotionally cold relationships. But of course, at some point you have to stop blaming your parents and heal yourself. Because of depression, starting in childhood, long before the advent of SSRIs, I've done enough talk therapy to know what is and is not healthy and to have my head overrule my heart if on a dispassionate assessment of the other person's actions I determine he is not someone I can safely allow myself to be emotionally vulnerable to and who, in turn, is capable of being emotionally vulnerable himself. I must admit I don't know how genetic depression messes with the styles. I do know however that attachment theorists would have it that attachment style precedes other issues. In so far as this is the case then an attachment theorist might consider attachment to be the major (environmental) cause of the depression and the genetics to be a disposition or potential.

porcelaine -> RE: Style of attachment, meeting and maintaining a dynamic (8/23/2009 5:32:49 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Prinsexx And great answers thank you. It sets up another question and that is: Do you (others reading) form a different attachment style in bdsm relationships than in other forms of relationship? you're most welcome. i always appreciate thought provoking threads. [;)] not necessarily. i have a mentor in the lifestyle and we have a friendship as well. we've been working together for four years and we function in both ways. i respect her for who she is and the things she's brought to my life as both a mentor and friend and acknowledge them both. on the other hand there is a definitely some element of exchange involved and i treat her differently. i would say in this vain i'm definitely secure and feel quite comfortable sharing with her. overall my friendships fall along a hierarchy and there are those i share with far more than others. the person sitting atop the heap would have a greater level of access and transparency than i'm willing to grant to those beneath her. this isn't to say that can never happen, but the likelihood of her being usurped is very low. my love for her and the connection we share is markedly different from the rest. in general i find that i'm much more open with my friends. we have very deep bonds and are both supportive and a constant for one another. the friendships have existed for long periods of time and during my high and low moments i trust they are there when i'm in need. there's also the fact that all of my friends are directly involved with or have a defined interest in the lifestyle. the usual subjects that may be taboo or off topic for others are not an issue. either i'm truly lucky or i've found a nucleus of disturbed people that i feel at home with. either way i can say they've earned their place and the trust and love that comes in tandem. porcelaine

Prinsexx -> RE: Style of attachment, meeting and maintaining a dynamic (8/23/2009 5:50:26 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: porcelaine quote: ORIGINAL: Prinsexx And great answers thank you. It sets up another question and that is: Do you (others reading) form a different attachment style in bdsm relationships than in other forms of relationship? you're most welcome. i always appreciate thought provoking threads. [;)] not necessarily. i have a mentor in the lifestyle and we have a friendship as well. we've been working together for four years and we function in both ways. i respect her for who she is and the things she's brought to my life as both a mentor and friend and acknowledge them both. on the other hand there is a definitely some element of exchange involved and i treat her differently. i would say in this vain i'm definitely secure and feel quite comfortable sharing with her. overall my friendships fall along a hierarchy and there are those i share with far more than others. the person sitting atop the heap would have a greater level of access and transparency than i'm willing to grant to those beneath her. this isn't to say that can never happen, but the likelihood of her being usurped is very low. my love for her and the connection we share is markedly different from the rest. in general i find that i'm much more open with my friends. we have very deep bonds and are both supportive and a constant for one another. the friendships have existed for long periods of time and during my high and low moments i trust they are there when i'm in need. there's also the fact that all of my friends are directly involved with or have a defined interest in the lifestyle. the usual subjects that may be taboo or off topic for others are not an issue. either i'm truly lucky or i've found a nucleus of disturbed people that i feel at home with. either way i can say they've earned their place and the trust and love that comes in tandem. porcelaine Now this is interesting. I had to 'create' friendship as an attachment style out of nowhere...therre was no model for 'friendship' when I was a child. I also form secure attachments with friends. I keep friends for years...across time and space. Indeed I define friendship as that which attaches securely. Once attahe always attached and unconditional. those I class as friends are both in the lifestyle and not but are open and I feel at ease talking to them about WIITID. I have not been able to combine more than one style of attachment to any one relationship though. Damned if i do. Damned if I don't as they say. So once there's a dynamic that friendship security for me goes out of the window. I was 'secure in a Master slave relationship with an ex. I felt quite 'ill' and drained by trying to sustain security and his dismissiveness. This is getting more complex ....but thanks.

littlewonder -> RE: Style of attachment, meeting and maintaining a dynamic (8/23/2009 5:55:51 PM)
My attachement style in bdsm isn't any different than an attachment style in any kind of relationship. I become attached to a person because we're comfortable with each other, we come to love and care for one another, have much in common, similar morals, values and life experiences and want to be with one another in a caring, loving relationship.

leadership527 -> RE: Style of attachment, meeting and maintaining a dynamic (8/23/2009 6:00:14 PM)
Well, I didn't read all 48 pages, but based on the labels I'd have to assume that I am "secure attachment style"

Prinsexx -> RE: Style of attachment, meeting and maintaining a dynamic (8/24/2009 12:37:47 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: leadership527 Well, I didn't read all 48 pages, but based on the labels I'd have to assume that I am "secure attachment style" Well going on what you say in your posts I'd have said that too. It's great to have it from the secure angle.

stella41b -> RE: Style o attachment, meeting and maintaining a dynamic (8/24/2009 3:07:24 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Leiren I don't mean to be hurtful, Prinsexx. But in the short time I've been registered here at CM, most of your posts come across as distrustful and unwilling to engage in the alternative life styles that most of us thrive on. Whatever your particular hurt is, I sincerely hope you can heal it without being so 'in people's faces'. I wish you well. Oh please.. will you just let it go with these 'online personality/psychology assessments' as a way of putting other posters down and either post on the topic of the thread or go elsewhere? Or is that the reason you come here, to make other posters feel uncomfortable?

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