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RE: On sub drop - 6/27/2009 1:37:03 PM   
Prinsexx


Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: califsueW.
 
You have had lots of things going on in the last few months and who knows why the universe makes us wait or bring folks to us who we think we are a fit and then don't answer emails. I have had the same thing happen to me and/or probably done it to Doms where I stopped responding. I don't have the answer for that but maybe just finding someone to get the physical needs met may be a way to approach the circuit of Master/Doms that are on this site and in your location.


I'm going to do my best to reply to all of those who email me. Simply because having been on the-this-side of being dropped just had me hit the wall.
I think I shall have to take the 'therapist' tag off my profile.
I think some get a kick out of taking me for a ride.


_____________________________

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Metawhore.... the sound of a metaphore when gagged
Free woman
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To my stalker:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LN2lP_7J7GI&feature=fvwrel

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Profile   Post #: 21
RE: On sub drop - 6/27/2009 1:44:22 PM   
Prinsexx


Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline 		And another thing...since I am on a roll.
The worst drop?
The worst drop is the semblance of after care. Look: i don't need small talk, small change or a hug. I'm a masochist.
You think a chat and a hug helps with the whip wheals, bites, and puncture holes from needles or the asphyxiation marks at my neck?
Don't after care me. I can make my own coffee, change the bed linen, make a dress out of a curtain and be up before tea. Cos i'm a slave S L A V E. See even poetry ok?
Just leave.
BUT text me later.
Text me and then call me.
Leave me to my pain but don't leave me.



< Message edited by Prinsexx -- 6/27/2009 1:46:08 PM >

_____________________________

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Metawhore.... the sound of a metaphore when gagged
Free woman
Resident thread finisher
To my stalker:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LN2lP_7J7GI&feature=fvwrel

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Profile   Post #: 22
RE: On sub drop - 6/27/2009 2:10:42 PM   
DeEtte


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quote:

ORIGINAL: lizi
They always seem so steady and reliable right up to the time where you never hear from them again.



So perfectly said.
Sorry about the cowardly dom, Prin.
You are the expert on human behaviour, what is the explanation for the cowardice? Because that is what it is. Do they chicken out a bunch of times then acquire the courage to commit? Sorry if I am not being much help.
I have been there too. I hear you.

(in reply to lizi)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: On sub drop - 6/27/2009 2:26:12 PM   
Prinsexx


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quote:

ORIGINAL: DeEtte


quote:

ORIGINAL: lizi
They always seem so steady and reliable right up to the time where you never hear from them again.



So perfectly said.
Sorry about the cowardly dom, Prin.
You are the expert on human behaviour, what is the explanation for the cowardice? Because that is what it is. Do they chicken out a bunch of times then acquire the courage to commit? Sorry if I am not being much help.
I have been there too. I hear you.

Dear DeEtte
Welcome to the boards.
GREAT question and for starters i have just removed the word therapist from my prfile and put in ---------instead.
So that could stand for fruitcake instead.
You have just said something that is a breakthrough for me.
Yep: coward. I never reasoned that one out. First and foremost: I am only a therapist if you employ me as one. And I definitely cannot be my own therapist. And yet to find one who knws as much as me. (Sorry if that sounds conceited). So that leaves me in somewhat of a dilemma.. posting on here for exploration and advice but nevertheless readin total gems, like the one you have just posited.
Thank you.
Ok so I scared him?
Is that it?
Doms who really don't value me just stumble blindly in... i lose respect and release myself. That's happened.
Doms who have an inkling of where I am at do a good job of having more than one of us on the trot at a time just to see which one they can pull most situational power over.
Doms who say how awesome I am get scared?
(And sorry about the plurality.. there have been quite a few doms it's true).
OK so drop me, push me off the cliff and don't even wait to hear me drop to the bottom, scream as i fall or to listen to my fingernails as i claw my way up?
What's the deal? What' s there to be afraid of?
Like they said they wanted to own me, control me, take pleasure from my body parts and fluids etc etc etc.
What's the deal?
I was right; fruitcake is a better descriptor than therapist. Easier to 'train' a fruitcake than a therapist. Got it. Got it. Got it.


< Message edited by Prinsexx -- 6/27/2009 2:29:21 PM >

_____________________________

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Metawhore.... the sound of a metaphore when gagged
Free woman
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To my stalker:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LN2lP_7J7GI&feature=fvwrel

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Profile   Post #: 24
RE: On sub drop - 6/27/2009 8:00:47 PM   
sweetsub1957


Posts: 2201
Joined: 4/28/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx
now...where IN THE WORLD IS A DOM WHO IS HONEST AND CAN KEEP HIS WORD??



One of them is with very VERY lucky me. 

I know how you feel.....I went through that before.  I would get too attached too soon & then I would fall.  Hurts like crazy, but you have to pick yourself up & dust yourself off & try again.  Guys like that aren't worth it anyway.....no matter how bad you feel right now, move on.  The right one is out there somewhere.

_____________________________

Member: Lance's Fag Hags.

"That's not just a chip on her shoulder, that's the whole potato!" ~Lady Angelika~

In lowering yourself to talking behind my back, you're perfectly positioned to kiss my ass.

An it harm none, do what ye wilt.

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Profile   Post #: 25
RE: On sub drop - 6/27/2009 8:20:28 PM   
playfulotter


Posts: 2195
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline 		I hate to be someone to say something bad and you said you took the word that you are a "Therapist" off your profile..but maybe...just maybe...you need a therapist yourself..but maybe i missed something that was written after that and I apologize if that is the case....When others make us feel so bad about ourselves that we need other opinions from strangers we usually need help...once again..just my humble opinion...and written on three glasses of Pinot Grigio..so i might be out of line!  From reading past things I too see you have been through a lot these past few months and perhaps just need a break from any type of relationship at all...just time for yourself...I have always admired your forthrightness in your postings! 

< Message edited by playfulotter -- 6/27/2009 8:27:29 PM >

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RE: On sub drop - 6/27/2009 8:28:16 PM   
OneforOwning


Posts: 6
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Status: offline 		Be thankful you weren't collared before he disappeared. Talk about devastating! 

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RE: On sub drop - 6/28/2009 12:00:20 AM   
Prinsexx


Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: OneforOwning

Be thankful you weren't collared before he disappeared. Talk about devastating! 

It didn't take me long to get a mail from another s type on here who had the exact  same experience with the same player.
But he played the wrong girl this time.
Solidarity helps.


_____________________________

Owner of asterion

Metawhore.... the sound of a metaphore when gagged
Free woman
Resident thread finisher
To my stalker:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LN2lP_7J7GI&feature=fvwrel

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Profile   Post #: 28
RE: On sub drop - 6/28/2009 12:10:24 AM   
Prinsexx


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Joined: 8/27/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: playfulotter

I hate to be someone to say something bad and you said you took the word that you are a "Therapist" off your profile..but maybe...just maybe...you need a therapist yourself..but maybe i missed something that was written after that and I apologize if that is the case....When others make us feel so bad about ourselves that we need other opinions from strangers we usually need help...once again..just my humble opinion...and written on three glasses of Pinot Grigio..so i might be out of line!  From reading past things I too see you have been through a lot these past few months and perhaps just need a break from any type of relationship at all...just time for yourself...I have always admired your forthrightness in your postings! 

Thank you for writing these words.
My issues with getting therapy?
The type of approaches that fill the text books and much of my training are not workable for bdsm relationships.
And I am an identical twin and there is not that much material on emotional conjoinment either. Indeed my twin is the one whom i consider to be ahead of the industry in regard to knowledge and theoretical training in gender issues, sexuality and human unrimacy. So it kind of looks like I am keeping it in family.
However as I have just stated on my previous reply: it did'nt take me long before I got mail here from a girl ( a great deal less experienced and according to her journal entries, way at the begnning of her exploration of her submission... it didn't take long before I got mail from her to say the exact same thing happened to her.
Now: paradoxically, it was ME who went deeper into the process and it was therefore ME, not her, who fell the furthest. That's because there are no breaks upon my submission once it starts as a process.
It's ok. I can take the fall. When a fall happens I do question the dominants expertise though, as emotional drop is akin the pgysical damage in my book.
It's solidarity here that is one very good aspect of the collarme community.
That and freinds I have in real time who are also submissives or slaves.



_____________________________

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Metawhore.... the sound of a metaphore when gagged
Free woman
Resident thread finisher
To my stalker:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LN2lP_7J7GI&feature=fvwrel

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Profile   Post #: 29
RE: On sub drop - 6/28/2009 12:29:50 AM   
NihilusZero


Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		It strikes me a bit odd that no one has addressed that the use of the phrase "sub drop" here refers to a notably different thing that what it's normally ascribed to (that being the downtime after being heavily in subspace for an extended period of time).

While, as you mentioned in response to a poster, you can't necessarily change your personality and the degree to which such things illicit attachment of some sort from you, you can change you understanding of the fact that it's not an unlikely event for such things to happen and, with a certain people, the indication that you're placing so much investment so soon can perhaps scare them off.


_____________________________

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I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
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RE: On sub drop - 6/28/2009 12:43:19 AM   
Prinsexx


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Joined: 8/27/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: NihilusZero

It strikes me a bit odd that no one has addressed that the use of the phrase "sub drop" here refers to a notably different thing that what it's normally ascribed to (that being the downtime after being heavily in subspace for an extended period of time).

i don't think there's any such thing as objective definitions in this world of relationships. Definitely in sciences or maths.
I listed a few of those experiences which i felt warranted the decryption sub drop. I get sub spaced. As I get older and more experienced I allow myself to get subspaced faster and more easily, with less inhibition. Inhibition is what keeps the sub space at bay and i like the change of mindset that goes along with pain, sensation, retraint and humiliation and indeed certain severity of service.


quote:

ORIGINAL: NihilusZero
While, as you mentioned in response to a poster, you can't necessarily change your personality and the degree to which such things illicit attachment of some sort from you, you can change you understanding of the fact that it's not an unlikely event for such things to happen and, with a certain people, the indication that you're placing so much investment so soon can perhaps scare them off.


Exactly. But a sudden stop in the communication is going to give the other a sense of being dropped. It's like suspending someone from the ceiling and then just walking out and going home. Or blindfolding them in a room. stroking their skin and walking silently out.
I'm 'dropped' and by the nature of it having to deal with the drop on my own. (OK so I have raised it for discussion and amazed aat how many girls this happens to by posts here and mail).
But that the Dom or Master is scared off? A Dom or Master scared? Now that happens but I don't want to be training the Master. It actually never occurred to me that he was scared until that was raised here.
Scared or scared off..makes no difference.
Edited to add:
"...and I've come to terms with the lines on my brow
and how I put them there mysel
Good quote by the way.


< Message edited by Prinsexx -- 6/28/2009 12:52:12 AM >

_____________________________

Owner of asterion

Metawhore.... the sound of a metaphore when gagged
Free woman
Resident thread finisher
To my stalker:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LN2lP_7J7GI&feature=fvwrel

(in reply to NihilusZero)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: On sub drop - 6/28/2009 12:51:29 AM   
DavanKael


Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline 		I'm osrry that you had such an immediate and intense rapport only to have the communication vanish. 
I agree that this isn't an example of subdrop. 
I do think that you very strongly rolled your needs into this interaction with the other of whom you speak very quickly.  Certainly, when we are lonely and/or when we wish to meld with another, that could happen. 
You mention being a therapist.  Me too (though I say counselor).  That doesn't give us any immunity nor does it make us inherently better or worse selections for partners.  Sometimes, though, we do need to look at self-care and I think that is really important for you right now. 
And, I found such eloquence and palpability of your emotions in your statement:  "leave me to my pain but don't leave me".  Abandonment sucks, pure and simple.  You spoke of a desire to be completely open rather than building walls.  I fear that such openness invites more instances of abandonment but we each roll the dice as we will. 
Best wishes to you, 
  Davan

_____________________________

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-Me

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RE: On sub drop - 6/28/2009 1:07:03 AM   
lusciouslips19


Posts: 9792
Joined: 9/8/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: NihilusZero

It strikes me a bit odd that no one has addressed that the use of the phrase "sub drop" here refers to a notably different thing that what it's normally ascribed to (that being the downtime after being heavily in subspace for an extended period of time).

While, as you mentioned in response to a poster, you can't necessarily change your personality and the degree to which such things illicit attachment of some sort from you, you can change you understanding of the fact that it's not an unlikely event for such things to happen and, with a certain people, the indication that you're placing so much investment so soon can perhaps scare them off.



I have found myself to be this way. Sex and love  get confused and BDSM \is even more intense creating a heightened pseudo intimacy. Perhaps it is from fairytales or romance novels that we confuse things .Some of us are not wired for casual sex and play but because we are sexual and sensual we engage anyway thereby speeding the attachment process.

I myself have decided I am not wired for casual sex or public casual BDSM. For the first time in my life I must do without in all these aspects so that I do not become over attached or needy and I an access the suitor and build trust with out that attachment. This is the first time in my life that I have decided to take the course of not engaging so I can make choices based on capatiblity and not the pseudo intimacy.

In the end I think I will make much better choices and change some patterns. Wanna do it with me?

_____________________________

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Keeper of Original Home Flag and Fire of Mr. Lance Hughes
Charter member of Lance's Fag Hags,
Member of the Subbie Mafia
Princess of typos and it's my prerogative

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Profile   Post #: 33
RE: On sub drop - 6/28/2009 1:34:00 AM   
Prinsexx


Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DavanKael

You mention being a therapist.  Me too (though I say counselor).
Davan

Since i took the word therapist out of my profile i have hit on by mail far far less. It's noticeable.
Makes you wonder what the doms really want


_____________________________

Owner of asterion

Metawhore.... the sound of a metaphore when gagged
Free woman
Resident thread finisher
To my stalker:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LN2lP_7J7GI&feature=fvwrel

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Profile   Post #: 34
RE: On sub drop - 6/28/2009 1:39:46 AM   
Prinsexx


Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: lusciouslips19

quote:

ORIGINAL: NihilusZero

This is the first time in my life that I have decided to take the course of not engaging so I can make choices based on capatiblity and not the pseudo intimacy.

In the end I think I will make much better choices and change some patterns. Wanna do it with me?

Oh get a room please....
interesting point that you reckon you have done this for the first time in your life and are changing.
Here's my anthem, words by La Roux...sure makes me think

We can fight our desires,
ooooo-ooooo,
but when we start making fires.
We get ever so hot,
ooooo-ooooo,
whether we like it or not.

They say we can love who we trust,
ooooo-ooooo,
but what is love without lust?


CHORUS:
I'm Going in for the kill,
I'm doing it for a thrill,
oh I'm hoping you'll understand,
and not let go of my hand.


I hang my hopes out on the line,
ooooo-ooooo,
will they be ready for you in time?
If you leave them out too long,
ooooo-ooooo,
they'll be withered by the sun.

Full-stops and exclamation-marks,
ooooo-ooooo
my words stumble before I start.
How far can you send emotions?
ooooo-ooooo
Can this bridge across the ocean?


CHORUS:
I'm Going in for the kill,
I'm doing it for a thrill,
oh I'm hoping you'll understand,
and not let go of my hand.

I'm Going in for the kill,
I'm doing it for a thrill,
oh I'm hoping you'll understand,
and not let go of my hand.

ooooo-hoooo
ooooo-hoooo
ooooo-hoooo
ooooo-hoooo

I'm Going in for the kill,
I'm doing it for a thrill,
oh I'm hope you'll understand,
and not let go of my hand.

I'm Going in for the kill,
I'm doing it for a thrill,
oh I'm hoping you'll understand,
and not let go of my hand.



_____________________________

Owner of asterion

Metawhore.... the sound of a metaphore when gagged
Free woman
Resident thread finisher
To my stalker:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LN2lP_7J7GI&feature=fvwrel

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Profile   Post #: 35
RE: On sub drop - 6/28/2009 5:32:56 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx
My issues with getting therapy?
The type of approaches that fill the text books and much of my training are not workable for bdsm relationships.


I don't know why you would say such a thing when there are a great many of us who have a totally different experience with therapy. My therapist does cognitive behavioral.

In no way does learning how to communicate clearly, ask for clarification, not assume, not hold unspoken expectations interfere with a D/s relationship. It enhances it.

_____________________________

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Profile   Post #: 36
RE: On sub drop - 6/28/2009 5:59:09 AM   
lusciouslips19


Posts: 9792
Joined: 9/8/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx

quote:

ORIGINAL: lusciouslips19

quote:

ORIGINAL: NihilusZero

This is the first time in my life that I have decided to take the course of not engaging so I can make choices based on capatiblity and not the pseudo intimacy.

In the end I think I will make much better choices and change some patterns. Wanna do it with me?


quote:


Oh get a room please....
interesting point that you reckon you have done this for the first time in your life and are changing.
Here's my anthem, words by La Roux...sure makes me think

We can fight our desires,
ooooo-ooooo,
but when we start making fires.
We get ever so hot,
ooooo-ooooo,
whether we like it or not.

They say we can love who we trust,
ooooo-ooooo,
but what is love without lust?


CHORUS:
I'm Going in for the kill,
I'm doing it for a thrill,
oh I'm hoping you'll understand,
and not let go of my hand.


I hang my hopes out on the line,
ooooo-ooooo,
will they be ready for you in time?
If you leave them out too long,
ooooo-ooooo,
they'll be withered by the sun.

Full-stops and exclamation-marks,
ooooo-ooooo
my words stumble before I start.
How far can you send emotions?
ooooo-ooooo
Can this bridge across the ocean?


CHORUS:
I'm Going in for the kill,
I'm doing it for a thrill,
oh I'm hoping you'll understand,
and not let go of my hand.

I'm Going in for the kill,
I'm doing it for a thrill,
oh I'm hoping you'll understand,
and not let go of my hand.

ooooo-hoooo
ooooo-hoooo
ooooo-hoooo
ooooo-hoooo

I'm Going in for the kill,
I'm doing it for a thrill,
oh I'm hope you'll understand,
and not let go of my hand.

I'm Going in for the kill,
I'm doing it for a thrill,
oh I'm hoping you'll understand,
and not let go of my hand.




I got toys to get me through. But you know, your anthem, its not working for ya. You are chasing happiness and love but you are chasing them away with your need. I know as I have been you. But the outcome will not change until you change.

"Those who do not learn from the past are doomed to repeat it."


< Message edited by lusciouslips19 -- 6/28/2009 6:01:38 AM >

_____________________________

Original Pimpette,
Keeper of Original Home Flag and Fire of Mr. Lance Hughes
Charter member of Lance's Fag Hags,
Member of the Subbie Mafia
Princess of typos and it's my prerogative

(in reply to Prinsexx)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: On sub drop - 6/28/2009 6:06:00 AM   
Prinsexx


Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx
My issues with getting therapy?
The type of approaches that fill the text books and much of my training are not workable for bdsm relationships.


I don't know why you would say such a thing when there are a great many of us who have a totally different experience with therapy. My therapist does cognitive behavioral.

In no way does learning how to communicate clearly, ask for clarification, not assume, not hold unspoken expectations interfere with a D/s relationship. It enhances it.

There are those who derives a great deal of benefit from therapy.
However: I had a great deal of therapy. We have to have as it’s part of continuous professional development. I’ve been in some sort of therapy since I was eighteen and my analyst asked me how and when I masturbated. I had no problems showing him. And told him I had been doing it since I was two. Not what I wanted. On every experiential training I ever did I got asked to process others. Also not what I expect to have to pay to do.
As for cognitive behavioural therapy… I was two years in a group for that and ended up me running the group.
I just like the feeling of uncomfortable tension which comes from holding two conflicting thoughts in the mind at the same time which is known as cognitive dissonance. Dissonance is often strong when we believe something about ourselves and then do something against that belief. Mine is that I know I am powerful and actualized in most areas of my life but am still a slave. Also if I believe I am good but do something bad, then the discomfort I feel as a result is cognitive dissonance. I am good, bloody good at most things but will invent being ‘bad’ to get punished. Cognitive dissonance is a very powerful motivator for me. The discomfort often feels like a tension between the two opposing thoughts. Masochism is a type of dissonance. What makes it as therapy is governed by assumptions and I am very clear about what those assumptions are. I'm pleased you find value in it.

< Message edited by Prinsexx -- 6/28/2009 6:07:43 AM >

_____________________________

Owner of asterion

Metawhore.... the sound of a metaphore when gagged
Free woman
Resident thread finisher
To my stalker:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LN2lP_7J7GI&feature=fvwrel

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: On sub drop - 6/28/2009 6:10:22 AM   
kallisto


Posts: 1185
Status: offline 		I think others have said the same things that I would.   There are a myriad of reasons as to why this situation happens and it has probably happened to many more people than we even realize.  Some are too embarrassed or hurt to even talk about it.   It is probably a good thing that you do talk about it.  

Maybe you could  go back and read the things that you've posted ... your own words may give you some insight as to why this happened or they may give you something to reflect on about yourself.  

It seems as though you fall fast and hard.   Even to the "Domliest" of Doms, this could be an emotional rollercoaster to the other person that they just don't know how to handle.   Certainly the way is not to just up and leave, but many people (people, no matter what side of the slash they  are on) don't know what to do when their emotions are running full speed ahead.    They get caught up in the moment. 

I would certainly take some time to get myself in check ...before it happens again. 

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: On sub drop - 6/28/2009 6:21:09 AM   
lusciouslips19


Posts: 9792
Joined: 9/8/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kallisto

I think others have said the same things that I would.   There are a myriad of reasons as to why this situation happens and it has probably happened to many more people than we even realize.  Some are too embarrassed or hurt to even talk about it.   It is probably a good thing that you do talk about it.  

Maybe you could  go back and read the things that you've posted ... your own words may give you some insight as to why this happened or they may give you something to reflect on about yourself.  

It seems as though you fall fast and hard.   Even to the "Domliest" of Doms, this could be an emotional rollercoaster to the other person that they just don't know how to handle.   Certainly the way is not to just up and leave, but many people (people, no matter what side of the slash they  are on) don't know what to do when their emotions are running full speed ahead.    They get caught up in the moment. 

I would certainly take some time to get myself in check ...before it happens again. 


Thats all I am saying.And if you think, I think I am better than you, I posted a simiar topic at Fet life last wednesday and have just realized I cant play in public as I took a scene and turned it into a relationship in my head. Men have a muh easier time with casual sex and casual play. Many of us are not wired that way.

_____________________________

Original Pimpette,
Keeper of Original Home Flag and Fire of Mr. Lance Hughes
Charter member of Lance's Fag Hags,
Member of the Subbie Mafia
Princess of typos and it's my prerogative

(in reply to kallisto)
Profile   Post #: 40
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