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RE: Honestly? I'm Perfect. - 5/18/2009 8:38:57 AM

ShaktiSama

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DemonKia

Pet peeve time.

Honestly? I have no pet peeves. I am completely blameless and have never been known to rant about things that bug the everlovin' bejaysus out of me. I am not at all known to return to some topic or thread or subject that annoys me, sink my teeth into it, and refuse to let go until either me or the subject is stone cold dead, like a zebra.

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Post #: 21

RE: Honestly? I'm Perfect. - 5/18/2009 8:41:21 AM

kittinSol

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DemonKia
Anybody know what I mean?

I know exactly what you mean. Some people are really competitive and love scoring points - if one opens up to another with a self-perceived vulnerability, like in your example, these people will leap at the occasion to drive the point home of how they don't have that particular failing (and how superior they are).

Like you, I find such people toxic and utterly lacking in both humour and self-deprecation: these people are cheerleaders for themselves and tend to be completely uninteresting.

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Post #: 22

RE: Honestly? I'm Perfect. - 5/18/2009 9:01:00 AM

fluffypet61

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From: New Jersey
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When i was leading a class in job search skills we talked about some different interview questions the group might be asked.

This thread reminds me of one that we worked on quite a bit -
"What is your major weakness?"

Our response was to pick something that others consider a weakness and turn it into a strength. That sounds difficult to do but my favorite (about myself) is "i am often slow in completing a task, but it usually is done right when i finish."

i have used this with personal communications, too.

This may not be what you asked, but it is my

.

Hi Kia

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Post #: 23

RE: Honestly? I'm Perfect. - 5/18/2009 9:01:49 AM

Bella1965

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G'morning all:

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael
That said, "testing" people sucks. If I found out someone was testing me, I would "fail" them or at least make it clear that isn't a game I play. Testing isn't honest, you are in essence lying to them about what you are talking about.

Ding! If someone tried to test me, I would be highly insulted. I'm unique and individual. Yet this person sought to lump sum me into their previous pool of experiences and trip me up with subterfuge? Deal breaker, immediately, on the spot, no second chances, don't let the door hit you where your momma split you.

Testing people is a cheap, dirty trick and it's not open communication. Copping to your faults makes you human, using it as stepping stone for interrogating folks? Not cool. It's moments like those you need to study yourself in the mirror and make sure you're happy with the person peering back. Because you're going to spend all your quality time with just that person and no one else.

Stay safe, play nice, & share your toys w/ others..

Bella

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Post #: 24

RE: Honestly? I'm Perfect. - 5/18/2009 9:19:37 AM

Missokyst

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Well shoot, I am great... and greatly damaged. Intelligent but afraid to excel. Humorous but hesitant. I am the wrong color, the wrong heritage and the wrong size, but I learned to accept that long ago. I think many of us reach a point where our failings become our skin. It is who we are; and when we get there dang it.. that is perfection, even if it is totally f'd up.

The 2 men I have loved were dominants and both of them had their insecurities. S, had a childhood illness big enough to get him into some textbooks, G, believed he was ugly because he heard of of his friend say that when he thought he was unheard. I did not fall in love for either of these men until I saw their inner child, their vulnerability, their imperfections, which was long after the initial bloom of newness had begun to wane. In the early days with these men it was like dating stars, both had the presentation of excellence in their persona. Who would have thought they were people beneath?

Maybe people don't show their imperfections until they feel safe.
Kyst

< Message edited by Missokyst -- 5/18/2009 9:30:07 AM >

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Post #: 25

RE: Honestly? I'm Perfect. - 5/18/2009 9:49:42 AM

CallaFirestormBW

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

Kia,

Since you and I run in something of the same circles, I know you a bit, however, this is a side of yours I haven't seen before. A few observations

As most here know, I AM honest to a fault. I agree that by being open and vulnerable, you can gain great strength. It does have a couple of downsides. Most people have no clue how to take someone who is actually open and honest, ESPECIALLY if they aren't.

It limits who you can "be" with because most WANT that veneer of appearce rather than deal with the reality of another actual imperfect person. However, find the person who loves the real you and you have found someone worth getting to know.

That said, "testing" people sucks. If I found out someone was testing me, I would "fail" them or at least make it clear that isn't a game I play. Testing isn't honest, you are in essense lying to them about what you are talking about.

Oh, and if you keep running into people who are not honest with themselves, you might want to look at your role in that process.

I found this post from Michael quite profound. See, I'm a chaos-magnet. I like it that way, but it requires a certain disdain for perfection that just doesn't seem to catch on well... see, other people see my chaos as a 'mess'... I see it as a perpetual learning opportunity, and when I try to explain to folks about the latest crumbling edifice of personal perfection, and how glad I am to see that wall come down, they look at me like I have six heads (and often build their own walls a little higher just to make sure my chaotic churning isn't 'catching').

Some folks have flaws that I don't experience. Sometimes, when someone brings one of those to light, I may, if I've managed to figure out a solution to that particular challenge, offer up some accumulated wisdom, but it isn't in the interest of looking "perfect"--I couldn't make it to 'perfect' with 5 days of cosmetic surgery and a personality transplant. My chaos-magnet is just buried too deep. I wouldn't know what to do with myself in a perfect world. On the other hand, does it show that I talk too much???? *grins*

Dame Calla

< Message edited by CallaFirestormBW -- 5/18/2009 9:50:21 AM >

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Post #: 26

RE: Honestly? I'm Perfect. - 5/18/2009 11:42:43 AM

breatheasone

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quote:

SimplyMichaelMost people have no clue how to take someone who is actually open and honest

Truer words were never spoken.

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Post #: 27

RE: Honestly? I'm Perfect. - 5/18/2009 12:38:49 PM

Fitznicely

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I've had this thread open literally all day, trying to focus on what my thoughts on the issue are...

I like to think I have an exceptional bullshitometer. It's certainly never let me down. I'm also absolutely terrible at lying, so I tend not to...

However, on sites like these, where the BS quota is high (and I'm talking CMail and chatrooms, not forums...), I do tend to play with the truth, in certain circumstances - for example, I see nothing wrong in stringing along a scammer or fucking with some silly camgirl's head...

If it ever happened that I started a conversation with someone genuine - on the other side of CM, or actually, in my time chatting on Secondlife - there's a point where you just end up talking honestly with one another. I don't think I've ever come across anyone who's tried to out-ego me, except for one time, and I called their bullshit, fast. They don't like me now

As for game playing and setting traps...I'm sorry, but I think that's really childish. It was one of the first things I stopped my girl doing.

Kia, hun, if you're having to use the conversational tactics of a 16 year old to get the truth outta people, either they aren't the people you need to be talking to....or you need to come up with a better tack. Taking a relationship past just friendship, I would hope they'd be beyond feeling the need to preen and posture...especially if I felt I was beyond that point.

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Post #: 28

RE: Honestly? I'm Perfect. - 5/18/2009 1:06:56 PM

NihilusZero

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I've been told that I can exude a tone of righteousness sometimes, but that's mostly because of years engaging in critical debates on numerous topics and being well-acquainted with the logic and reasoning behind things of those topics.

On a personal level, however, although I work towards as few flaws in my life as possible, I'm not immune to them at all (my profile bio is open proof of this). You make a great point, though, how it acts as a litmus test...and not of that supposed perception, but of the general self-honesty of an individual and whether their act of self-marketing is more important to them.

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Post #: 29

RE: Honestly? I'm Perfect. - 5/18/2009 1:17:08 PM

NihilusZero

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

That said, "testing" people sucks. If I found out someone was testing me, I would "fail" them or at least make it clear that isn't a game I play. Testing isn't honest, you are in essense lying to them about what you are talking about.

I don't know about this. In theory, I like the basis behind what you're saying...but in practice, we all effectively test our suitors. We test from the moment our eyes are upon them, the moment we start a date to determine quirks/idiosyncrasies we do want in a partner from those we don't.

A "test" could be nothing more than starting a conversation on a personally important topic just to see if the other person has a personal view that meshes well. Tests aren't necessarily pifalls laid out to induce imminent failure. I mean, there certainly are some underhanded types of tests that are laid out by paranoid folks in anticipation of the person screwing up (or even in an attempt to pre-sabotage something before it starts due to emotional issues), but the way Kia mentioned it seemed much more latent and non-confrontational.

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I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
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Post #: 30

RE: Honestly? I'm Perfect. - 5/18/2009 3:47:38 PM

DomImus

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Pet peeve time. I detest game players and their litmus tests.

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Post #: 31

RE: Honestly? I'm Perfect. - 5/18/2009 4:02:30 PM

Prinsexx

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yeah i think i get what you're saying.
i hate it when i'm needing to discuss a relationship issue...let's face it, all issues are relationship issues...
and i say:
there's a friend of mine at work (for example) who really worries me..she never takes a break and wonders why she has a severe headache....
and THEY say
...oh yes i used to do that... but since such and such happened, you know with so and so , well i got really sick with headaches and the i and then i and after that i...
So i guess the world is just an egocentric place and most of THEM are only interested in themselves.
Me of course i used to be like that until i realised that no-one was that interested. That really pissed me off, for a while, and in fact it gave me really bad headaches, but then i and then i and then i...
i think they call it the slippery slope basis for argument....

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Post #: 32

RE: Honestly? I'm Perfect. - 5/18/2009 4:03:20 PM

Phoenixpower

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Zechriel
But seriously, why would you want to offer someone a weakeness or flaw in you? Why risk that chance of them seeing you as weak or vulnerable? That opens up a wide possibillity of manipulation.

I am fairly soon direct about some aspects important to me which could be considered as weak by others...but I disagree that it opens to manipulation as I am still in charge over it if I let it allow or not. For example about 1.5 years ago a person in the same house kept hitting on me, despite the fact that he perfectly knew that I was still in love with my ex where I was still hoping at that time that it would work out...he knew about that I had a termination a few years ago...which can cause a variety of response...now...I did not made him aware about to get sympathy or pity or whatever...but I am glad that I did mention it as at one occasion after I already had shown him that I am not interested in him he used kind of all possible rude words for the guy I still loved at that time and also meant that I should be glad to be "rid off" the never born child (which he used quite racist words for it and now how I phrased it now.) Since that day we never ever met for a drink as that did show me enough that he is surely never a potential partner for me as I would not feel comfortable to come maybe later to a stage to "carry out his kids." So whilst that fact of my past can be seen as a weak point...it helps me to indicate quite well how a guy ticks and if he is worth my attention or not. So in my opinion it can help to look at the response from people when you mention certain topics, to see if you can match with them or not. Whilst I am fine with most responses about something like that...he pulled out pretty much the only one he could choose to put me off and did that very successfully on top of the fact that he already dropped down the sympathy scale fast with his rude comments about the guy I loved at that time (as that guy was not just any guy but a guy who did a hell of a lot for me when I moved over to UK and even when it never worked out with him and me rude words are out of order towards him for many IMPORTANT things he did for me). Therefore, it might open the door to manipulation, but it is also still up to you not to let yourself manipulate.

< Message edited by Phoenixpower -- 5/18/2009 4:07:46 PM >

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Post #: 33

RE: Honestly? I'm Perfect. - 5/18/2009 4:09:31 PM

DesFIP

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I can't have a long term relationship with someone without eventually them discovering my flaws. Nobody can act that well for that long a time. And since I am only interested in long term relationships it simply made sense to identify them upfront to discover compatibility

Everybody has flaws, baggage, issues. I just want to know that my baggage and his are color coordinated (so to speak).

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Post #: 34

RE: Honestly? I'm Perfect. - 5/18/2009 4:45:09 PM

SimplyMichael

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quote:

ORIGINAL: NihilusZero

Tests aren't necessarily pifalls laid out to induce imminent failure.

If you do something or say something to see how someone reacts, you are testing them. Noticing that they stop and do something nice or are rude to waiters, or always have a nice thing/bad thing to say about people is a whole different thing.

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Post #: 35

RE: Honestly? I'm Perfect. - 5/18/2009 5:01:51 PM

DemonKia

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From: Chico, Nor-Cali
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FR, after read thru

See, now, that 'I never test' thing rings as false to my ears as the 'I'm always honest' thing . . . . .

& this thread has turned into an excellent example of how this 'admitting vulnerability trap' happens . . . . . . I admitted to having *gasp* litmus test issues that are make-or-break, & implied that I even facilitate the unfolding of these 'traps', but it generally happens in just the rather 'innocent' way this thread unfolded. I had a pet peeve to share. I posted my issue. I revealed vulnerable & less-than-pretty stuff about myself (I do test people explicitly as well as implicitly, I'll admit it, I have trust issues & so on & so forth) . . . . & several people stepped forward to chime in that they do not have that vulnerability. Cool. Groovy for you. We all learned stuff. Hehehe . . . . . .

Actually, one of the reasons I'm posting this is I can see this process go on every day in threads all over here . . . . . The really nice thing about textual formats is the ability to carefully read (& reread) postings, which is very useful for laying bare all kinds of dynamics that would not be discernible in the more ephemeral media of spoken conversation . . . . ..

&, seriously? 'Testing' is some kinda unforgivable? Fucking bwahahahahaha, there are regular postings & threads all over the place here about 'testing s types', lol . . . . . 'Training & testing', lol . . . .. .

I'll admit something else while I'm feeling confessional; some of the best parts of me are the parts that are firmly anchored in my teen self, thanks. *slaps thigh, shakes head* Fucking hysterically funny.

& isn't all the communication a 'testing' of fit? A jostling testing of one idea / opinion / worldview against others?

Maybe it's my science background where 'testing' is how shit gets done .. . . . . Or maybe it's that my writer self tries not to get too hung up on the semantics, I dunno . . . . . *still chuckling*

Oh. & very important note. I'm not in anyway whining about a lack of mating material, or the quality thereof; like most females I have to beat them off me with a stick. All types. So. Whatever y'all are reading between the lines has way more to do with you than me . . . . . . Just as in this thread, my little asshole litmus test does filter out those whom I would drive insane with my worldview, & vice versa . . . . . . . The fail rate is definitely under ten percent, I'd guesstimate. So I guess I just have to make do with the roughly ninety percent who are comfortable copping to their less-than-pretties & who don't get their knickers twisted over being 'tested' . . . . . . . Ya know, cuz pet peeve is more the equivalent, for me, of minor annoyance rather than life-transforming blockage, hehehehehe . . . . .

& thus I dub this 'good communication', as significant info has been exchanged, things have been learned. Thanks to all for every contribution. I like the 'good', the 'bad', & the 'ugly', so. More please.

&, wait, one last swipe at the offense taken at the very notion of 'testing': isn't life one giant test?

Oh, yeah. I like tests. I'm really good at them. They don't plug my buttons. I'm a freak that way.

< Message edited by DemonKia -- 5/18/2009 5:02:41 PM >

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Post #: 36

RE: Honestly? I'm Perfect. - 5/18/2009 8:40:07 PM

SimplyMichael

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Glad you aren't defensive...

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Post #: 37

RE: Honestly? I'm Perfect. - 5/18/2009 8:49:04 PM

porcelaine

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why is it necessary for them to share on your time table at all? i thought transparency was something internally motivated and expressed. so you opted to share something personally revealing about yourself, is this tit for tat? perhaps one of the reasons you're so disappointed is that you went into the dialogue with expectations in the first place. rather than focus on their response and what they did wrong, turn the mirror's gaze upon yourself instead.

people don't want to be held according to your standard. and i'll be honest, nothing grates a man more than to feel as if he has to respond a certain way. it is one of the reasons some opt to remain silent, because of the very thing that occurred. why is it impossible for you to allow the person to express himself when he's comfortable doing so? no one said you had to pour your heart out at all. but understand that authenticity isn't dependent on whether he does so or not. it is a personal journey between you and yourself. something you aspire to which allows deeper expression, transparency, and a greater level of submission. if you take the "i" out of the equation you may find that "he" jumps in. good luck.

porcelaine

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Post #: 38

RE: Honestly? I'm Perfect. - 5/19/2009 1:56:50 AM

Fitznicely

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Joined: 10/18/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DemonKia
...I have trust issues & so on & so forth...

Foibles, vulnerabilities, simple clumsiness and the occasional inelegance, fine. This is the stuff of life.

When you have trouble trusting those in your care? No.

Insecurity has no place Our side of the whip.

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Post #: 39

RE: Honestly? I'm Perfect. - 5/19/2009 3:50:51 AM

Zechriel

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

Maybe people don't show their imperfections until they feel safe.
Kyst

Thank you Kyst,for finding my words. Since I never feel safe around anyone other than Daddy/Master, I cannot expose anything that opens me up to manipulation. Is there one day I will feel safe enough in general? -probably not. Just my nature I guess.

and for "letting people make you feel bad/vulnerable" Some of you have that power, some of us do not. Some of us have not been able to overcome those childhood experiences that molded us into what we are. Will we ever? Probably not. Those are other obstacles to resolve in another lifetime. Goes to show how just a single word (even if just kidding follows it) can leave a mark. Good luck!
Love,
Zechriel

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Post #: 40

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