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How about no... - 5/1/2009 5:09:00 AM

lostgirl83

Posts: 81
Joined: 2/8/2005
Status: offline

Do you ever feel like "turning it off" so to speak? Sir and I have been in a relationship for over a year now.... This would make the longest bdsm related relationship I've ever been in.... well ok longest relationship period... Im not so good with the whole dating thing but thats another post. We don't live together but we do talk everyday and see eachother on weekends. I love him to death but sometimes I just don't feel like being submissive. I work full time and I have a 5yr old child.... somedays Im just really worn out and crabby and I don't want to say 'yes sir' or talk about how much I'd love to have his cock in my mouth etc.... I just want to chat about something else and then go to sleep. I worry that one day he'll be like "oh you're not submissive enough" but he's usually pretty understanding when I finally clue him into my issues (although I won't lie sometimes he sounds irritated with me lol) Does anyone else do this? Does anyone else just feel like taking their hat off and saying you don't feel like doing it today?

Post #: 1

RE: How about no... - 5/1/2009 5:28:13 AM

tiinkerbell

Posts: 96
Status: offline

I do get frustrated sometimes, and out of sorts. It's human nature for that to happen on occassion. However, being out of sorts does not 'turn my submission' off in the way that you mean. For me, it just means that I have to communicate my needs and emotions more effectively so that my partner knows that I need a little space.

In the past, I was not always good at letting him know this; it was a huge issue in our break up; but I like to think that I am learning to do better. I just have to remember that I am still human, and I have moments just like anyone else does; what's more, I have to accept that it's ok for me to 'have moments' like that, and that I can't let them control me.

I wish you the best

Allison

_____________________________

Allison

- Some People walk in the rain; others just get wet -
Roger Miller

(in reply to lostgirl83)

Post #: 2

RE: How about no... - 5/1/2009 5:38:06 AM

Fitznicely

Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/18/2006
Status: offline

Part of His job as you Dom is to care for your wellbeing - mentally as well as physically. If you're not feeling top drawer, so long as He knows, I'd be expecting Him to deal with it graciously and thoughtfully.

I don't necessarily believe there's a reason to take the hat off....but that's cos I live 24/7 with My girl and W/we don't, but everyone's different and if that's what you need to do, I'd hope He'd understand.

_____________________________

I tell you this: No eternal reward will forgive us now for wasting the dawn
Proud Owner of Darkmoonkat. Such a good girl!

(in reply to tiinkerbell)

Post #: 3

RE: How about no... - 5/1/2009 5:43:10 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Everybody needs downtime. So if you need half an hour to regroup after getting the um to bed before you talk to him, tell him that. He isn't a mindreader and he will understand that sometimes we are too tired to be ravenous sex kittens.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to Fitznicely)

Post #: 4

RE: How about no... - 5/1/2009 5:48:30 AM

CatdeMedici

Posts: 2257
Joined: 10/20/2008
Status: offline

I don't think there is anything wrong with that feeling, its the cold hard smack of reality and for many, its where they get disillusioned. We are all human, not superhuman, human and even in this WIITWD, we all have real lives, real demands that have to be met.

I think you are just feeling "normal" and there isn't anything wrong with that.

< Message edited by CatdeMedici -- 5/1/2009 5:49:08 AM >

_____________________________

I am the Cat, holder of the whip and chair.

"Let's see-whips, dips, chains, chips, yep sounds like a party to Me!"

(in reply to lostgirl83)

Post #: 5

RE: How about no... - 5/1/2009 7:28:30 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

The reasons that you are tired has nothing to do with him. It's you and your commitments.

If he's a good man, he'll understand. If not, it's nothing you can change.

You're not living the fantasy. You're living the reality, You go, girl.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to CatdeMedici)

Post #: 6

RE: How about no... - 5/1/2009 7:34:46 AM

TaoWoman

Posts: 140
Joined: 2/27/2009
From: Kpe'me', Togo
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lostgirl83
Does anyone else do this? Does anyone else just feel like taking their hat off and saying you don't feel like doing it today?

Actually in the process of doing this not just for a day, but for always~

_____________________________

The Teacher who is wise does not bid you to enter the house of his wisdom but rather leads you to the threshold of your own mind~

Kahlil Gibran

(in reply to lostgirl83)

Post #: 7

RE: How about no... - 5/1/2009 7:35:05 AM

Apocalypso

Posts: 1104
Joined: 4/20/2009
Status: offline

You're not an android. Sometimes real life is going to get on top of you and that's completely understandable and normal.

quote:

ORIGINAL: lostgirl83
he's usually pretty understanding when I finally clue him into my issues

It's the "finally" that I think you have to work on here. If you don't tell him you need support, he's not going to know. On top of that, it means you're just bottling the stress up until it gets too much. That's just going to make you feel worse.

_____________________________

If you're going to quote from the Book of Revelation,
Don't keep calling it the "Book of Revelations",
There's no "s", it's the Book of Revelation,
As revealed to Saint John the Divine.

(in reply to lostgirl83)

Post #: 8

RE: How about no... - 5/1/2009 7:35:36 AM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline

It's got everything to with him. If you take someone and intend to be in authority and to own her....then when she has a problem , you do too.

agirl

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 9

RE: How about no... - 5/1/2009 7:56:22 AM

LafayetteLady

Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline

As mentioned, the "finally" part is potentially a problem. Why wait? Communication is paramount in ALL relationships. I'm assuming you are a single parent. So you started with two full time jobs, one of which is never easy. Then add to that this type of relationship. Did you discuss whether or not you had the ability to be "on" all the time before, or had you not considered it? You don't mention whether these issues arise during your daily conversations or during the weekends when you see each other. It makes a difference. During the week, your life is consumed with work and parenting and maybe by the time the two of you get on the phone, you are simply spent with the activities of your day. During the weekend, you don't mention whether or not your child is still under your care or with other relatives, which also makes a difference. It can take time to "change hats" and maybe both of you are not taking that time. As a single parent, that is a big priority and you can't be a submissive parent and succeed for your child. Tell him you need some time to get in the right frame of mind. It also sounds as though sometimes you want/need to just have "normal" couple time where you share about your day. At the risk of being "slammed"....those who don't have children don't understand that sometimes children have completely stressed us out with questions, temper tantrums, playtime and any number of other things and the last thing on our minds after we put them to bed is to think about sucking a guy's cock or laying down and having sex. Sometimes we just want to sit on the couch, watch something on tv that doesn't require a lot of thought cuddling with our partner and being content to have peace and quiet. Of course, if you don't communicate that to him, he won't ever know.

(in reply to agirl)

Post #: 10

RE: How about no... - 5/1/2009 8:07:29 AM

ranja

Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline

I think there is only very few lucky people who feel like it just as much all the time. I think mainly and certainly in relationships of longtime moods do not always match and partners have to compromise or pretend...I don't think pretending is the best thing, not for me anyway...I think compromising is better...maybe you could still do things for Him, like fix Him a drink or take His shoes off, but if you do not have the energy or the sense of humor to give Him more it would be nice if He gives you space, i think you are entitled to it

(in reply to lostgirl83)

Post #: 11

RE: How about no... - 5/1/2009 8:14:45 AM

breatheasone

Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ranja

I think there is only very few lucky people who feel like it just as much all the time. I think mainly and certainly in relationships of longtime moods do not always match and partners have to compromise or pretend...I don't think pretending is the best thing, not for me anyway...I think compromising is better...maybe you could still do things for Him, like fix Him a drink or take His shoes off, but if you do not have the energy or the sense of humor to give Him more it would be nice if He gives you space, i think you are entitled to it

i completely agree with you....Whats ashame are the...(trumpets please!) SUPER SLAVES!!! the ones able to leap tall doms in a single bound, that are faster then a speeding paddle!... Its hard enough to keep this real...

_____________________________

Romans 10:13,For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
Mike posts in black font
candy posts in pink font

(in reply to ranja)

Post #: 12

RE: How about no... - 5/1/2009 8:18:10 AM

Fitznicely

Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/18/2006
Status: offline

Amen, LaFayette...

With two UM's in single figures, job worries and other day to day stuff, there's days when W/we've had just as much fulfilment cuddling and petting as when I've gone at her with the entire contents of My toybox....

I think it's about being comfortable with your roles. It's perfectly possible to interact on an outwardly vanilla level without breaking the dynamic, so long as you're both not in need of the constant reaffirmation of the "yes Sir", etc...

_____________________________

I tell you this: No eternal reward will forgive us now for wasting the dawn
Proud Owner of Darkmoonkat. Such a good girl!

(in reply to LafayetteLady)

Post #: 13

RE: How about no... - 5/1/2009 8:32:19 AM

SteelofUtah

Posts: 5307
Joined: 10/2/2007
From: St George Utah
Status: offline

First off, not everyone can be a Mary Poppins Perfect in every way slave. (Love you beth) but when it comes down to it there is a point where one has to look at the reality for the dynamic they are capable of.

To see andi and I together in MOST situations you would never know that we are Lifestyle, Except for some reason when she is around other submissives she is much more doscile and plyable. However day to day when dealing with life on lifes terms you might hear things come out of her mouth that would make another sub GASP that I would allow her to speak to me that way.

Truth of the matter is.... we are people and people interact in a way that is comfortable with them. Sure andi can get a little lippy at times, there are even times when I have to cold stop her and tell her that if she cannot say anything positive or without sounding like a bitch then I don't need to hear her right now. Then I give her two options she can sit quietly with me until this mood passes or she can go to the room. She usually opts to go to the room where she can blow off some steam maybe a few tears and then come back and finally because the anger and annoyance is gone we can finally have a dialoge without having to stop due to attitude.

On the tow there is a couple of things that I will admit. I have this thing that I adopted where the priority is:
subs Needs
Doms Needs
Doms Wants
subs Wants

And where I will agree that needing time to recover is a need, not maintaining the status quo is not and part of my need is obedience and devotion. So the coin when flipped affects both sides.

Ultimatly there is an easy solution.

Don't post this to a forum, sit down and talk to your master and see about changing things up a bit so that you aren't bored with the process because if you weren't bored you wouldn't be tired of telling him how much you like his cock in your mouth.

This is just as much his fault as it is your own.

STOP BEING PREDICTABLE.

Steel

_____________________________

Just Steel
Resident Therapeutic Metallurgist
The Steel Warm-Up © ™
For the Uber Posters
Thanks for the Grammatical support : ) ~ Term

(in reply to ranja)

Post #: 14

RE: How about no... - 5/1/2009 8:57:20 AM

breatheasone

Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline

quote:

we can finally have a dialoge without having to stop due to attitude.

Can you explain what this means?....i think i have an idea, but i didnt want to assume...

_____________________________

Romans 10:13,For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
Mike posts in black font
candy posts in pink font

(in reply to SteelofUtah)

Post #: 15

RE: How about no... - 5/1/2009 8:57:46 AM

oceanwinds

Posts: 530
Status: offline

Sometimes I feel we project on to others our feelings of not being good enough. Maybe this is why you have problems telling him what is going on in your life? Life takes form on its' own and many things need to be attended too. Reality is not always an easy going way, as our fantasies are. It is okay to be human and know that you might not be capable all the time to be attentive to him. It is equally okay for them to not be attentive to us as well all the time. It is getting through these tough times that make a relationship.
Best of luck to you.
oceanwinds

< Message edited by oceanwinds -- 5/1/2009 8:58:39 AM >

(in reply to SteelofUtah)

Post #: 16

RE: How about no... - 5/1/2009 9:30:11 AM

SteelofUtah

Posts: 5307
Joined: 10/2/2007
From: St George Utah
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: breatheasone

SteelofUtah

quote:

we can finally have a dialoge without having to stop due to attitude.

Can you explain what this means?....i think i have an idea, but i didnt want to assume...

I can Try to explain.

When andi is upset she talks AT me not TO me and when this happens all she can see is that I am not understanding her, or that I am not listening to her, when in reality I get everything she is saying I am not reacting to it the way she wants me to.

When she is angry I require her to calm down before speaking to me and also to think about what she is saying. If she doesn't we will stop in the middle and I will direct her to calm down and watch her tone of voice.

I try VERY hard to be calm cool and collected when discussing things that upset me and one of the things that bothers me is when someone is talking AT me, so when she does this there is no point in continuing to communicate because all communication has stopped there is no longer a Dialoge. Meaning there is no longer a Progression to a Positive outcome. Just like when voices raise all communication stops it is the same thing when someone is talking AT you.

Talking AT someone is when you feel that your point is the only Valid one and no matter what the other person says you are more interested in finishing what you are saying in order to somehow gratify that you feel you are right.

There is also another rule in our house that applies to both of us and that is the question of "Would you rather Be Right or Happy, cause right now it seems like you only want to be one at a time" Andi and I are passionate people but we have also chose to identify in our relationship as Dominant and submissive and so there are times in which the table of justice is a little lobsided however andi agrees that even when she does not like my decision she understands what I chose to go that road. It wasn't that it would be self serving but rather that it would solve the problem all together.

This Method may not work for everyone but it works for us. When we have a discussion that has to be stopped over and over again to remind her that she is speaking rudely or agressivly or simply AT me then it is time to give her options that I am willing to accept and that seem to make more sence than to continue on with the direction that we were going.

Does that make sence?

Steel

_____________________________

Just Steel
Resident Therapeutic Metallurgist
The Steel Warm-Up © ™
For the Uber Posters
Thanks for the Grammatical support : ) ~ Term

(in reply to breatheasone)

Post #: 17

RE: How about no... - 5/1/2009 9:43:20 AM

akisha

Posts: 2071
Joined: 6/25/2005
Status: offline

~FR~

lostgirl...

I totally know how you feel. I work full time, have a 5 yr old as well and Master and I live together. There are times I'd think to myself "why the heck can you get up and get your own damn coffee I'm exhausted"

When that happens i either stifle the thought and go get it, but huffing and rolling my eyes while I do it is usually not a great thing to do lol.

If I'm really tired, I let him know as soon as I get home that I had a day from hell, then he can then decide if he still wants me to run for him or if he's going to let me relax for a bit.

Before we lived together, and we were doing the phone/text/email/vidchat thing, again I'd let him know my mental and physical state at the time.

As for the only wanting to talk about sex, ya I can totally understand why that would get tiresome. Again I would suggest talking to him about it. What I did was ask if he was only interested in a sexually based D/s relationship or an actual full D/s relationship (I'm kind of blunt tho at times) I also let him know that by only wanting to talk about sex all the time, I found it a huge turn off and my interest in furthering our relationship was waning. I was totally honest. Sex you can get anywhere, a full and fullfilling power exchange relationship takes work and time. and you need to know more about your partner then how he wants to shove his cock down your throat. Life isn't all about sex, it's about paying the bills and going to the kids soccer games and dance recitals too. Actually move of it is about the mundane stuff rather then the fun stuff. Best make sure you are compatable on all fronts not just sexually

_____________________________

I'm confused.... No wait!!! Maybe I'm not

It's not a blonde moment! It's momentary peroxide posioning. ;)

Your pain makes me smile ~ Happy Bunny

532-095-649

(in reply to SteelofUtah)

Post #: 18

RE: How about no... - 5/1/2009 9:48:33 AM

Apocalypso

Posts: 1104
Joined: 4/20/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady
At the risk of being "slammed"....those who don't have children don't understand that sometimes children have completely stressed us out with questions, temper tantrums, playtime and any number of other things and the last thing on our minds after we put them to bed is to think about sucking a guy's cock or laying down and having sex. Sometimes we just want to sit on the couch, watch something on tv that doesn't require a lot of thought cuddling with our partner and being content to have peace and quiet.

I don't think that's just the case for people with children and/or subs.

Obviously I can only speak for myself here. Yes, sex is awesome. But there are times, particuarly if I've had a stressful day, where what I actually want to do with a sub is lounge around playing boardgames for a couple of hours while I unwind.

_____________________________

If you're going to quote from the Book of Revelation,
Don't keep calling it the "Book of Revelations",
There's no "s", it's the Book of Revelation,
As revealed to Saint John the Divine.

(in reply to LafayetteLady)

Post #: 19

RE: How about no... - 5/1/2009 9:48:37 AM

breatheasone

Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah

quote:

ORIGINAL: breatheasone

SteelofUtah

quote:

we can finally have a dialoge without having to stop due to attitude.

Can you explain what this means?....i think i have an idea, but i didnt want to assume...

I can Try to explain.

When andi is upset she talks AT me not TO me and when this happens all she can see is that I am not understanding her, or that I am not listening to her, when in reality I get everything she is saying I am not reacting to it the way she wants me to.

When she is angry I require her to calm down before speaking to me and also to think about what she is saying. If she doesn't we will stop in the middle and I will direct her to calm down and watch her tone of voice.

I try VERY hard to be calm cool and collected when discussing things that upset me and one of the things that bothers me is when someone is talking AT me, so when she does this there is no point in continuing to communicate because all communication has stopped there is no longer a Dialoge. Meaning there is no longer a Progression to a Positive outcome. Just like when voices raise all communication stops it is the same thing when someone is talking AT you.

Talking AT someone is when you feel that your point is the only Valid one and no matter what the other person says you are more interested in finishing what you are saying in order to somehow gratify that you feel you are right.

There is also another rule in our house that applies to both of us and that is the question of "Would you rather Be Right or Happy, cause right now it seems like you only want to be one at a time" Andi and I are passionate people but we have also chose to identify in our relationship as Dominant and submissive and so there are times in which the table of justice is a little lobsided however andi agrees that even when she does not like my decision she understands what I chose to go that road. It wasn't that it would be self serving but rather that it would solve the problem all together.

This Method may not work for everyone but it works for us. When we have a discussion that has to be stopped over and over again to remind her that she is speaking rudely or agressivly or simply AT me then it is time to give her options that I am willing to accept and that seem to make more sence than to continue on with the direction that we were going.

Does that make sence?

Steel

Thank you for answering....Its pretty much "spot on" what i thought you meant.

_____________________________

Romans 10:13,For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
Mike posts in black font
candy posts in pink font

(in reply to SteelofUtah)

Post #: 20

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