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RE: How about no... - 5/1/2009 10:52:27 AM

NihilusZero

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I'm a bit confused by the commentary in here that refers to "reality"...as if someone who would perennially wish for submission is a 'fantasy' while the 'normal' folk are the ones who want to be able to have a pause button to hit when they feel like it.

The whole angle of wanting to 'turn it off' means that it must be 'turned on', which implies something forced rather than latent. This comes down to a matter of compatibility and some people may be okay with a sub who needs to be in 'on mode' in order to have the submission engine running and some may not.

Your situation seems to be relatively okay but it might be good to request a talk the next time you sense his irritation just so that everyone's on the same page.

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Post #: 21

RE: How about no... - 5/1/2009 11:05:46 AM

lizi

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Every relationship has timing issues periodically. All you can do is take a chance and communicate what is going on in your world and how you feel at the moment. Once he knows how things are from your side he can adjust from his to give you what you need and then also get what he needs. You've been together for the year, he must know that giving you what you need gives him a better chance of getting his needs met as well.

As everyone else said- it's the communication. This is all normal everyday stuff and you both will find compromises and ways to work with it. It's not the quality of your submission in question, it's just life. If a woman in your situation with a vanilla relationship is tired and worn out would she be questioned in her role of being wife/gf? Hopefully not, probably not.

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Post #: 22

RE: How about no... - 5/1/2009 11:09:01 AM

DesFIP

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NZ, the reference to reality refers to his wish that she always be up for chatting about cock sucking while actually being enthused about doing so. Whereas the reality is that if she has a headache, had bad news, has been struggling with temper tantrums from the um, she isn't going to have the energy or interest sexually. That's a lot different than living with someone and getting him another cup of tea before going back to resting on the couch.

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Post #: 23

RE: How about no... - 5/1/2009 11:12:52 AM

NihilusZero

Posts: 4036
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From: Nashville, TN
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quote:

ORIGINAL: lizi

You've been together for the year, he must know that giving you what you need gives him a better chance of getting his needs met as well.

Not to discount the rest of your post, but this sort of mentality seems to fundamentally negate the entire point of a power exchange. First, it's prioritizing the sub's need as far as the decision-making process is concerned (which, if it's a decision made by the Dom, I suppose that's their choice) and, second, it smacks of covert manipulation from the part of the sub (aka tftb).

This is another reason for her to ascertain in great detail what the expectations of her Dom are. He may be okay with making concessions on certain issues but I, for instance, would grow quite displeased to hear things presented in this fashion.

< Message edited by NihilusZero -- 5/1/2009 11:25:12 AM >

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Post #: 24

RE: How about no... - 5/1/2009 11:21:12 AM

NihilusZero

Posts: 4036
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From: Nashville, TN
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

NZ, the reference to reality refers to his wish that she always be up for chatting about cock sucking while actually being enthused about doing so. Whereas the reality is that if she has a headache, had bad news, has been struggling with temper tantrums from the um, she isn't going to have the energy or interest sexually. That's a lot different than living with someone and getting him another cup of tea before going back to resting on the couch.

I understand where you're coming from. I still view this as the responsibility that each individual has to find someone compatible with them. She's obviously not compatible with someone who always requires openness to sexual interaction (although I think we are presuming her Dom even is such a person based on a comment of hers...I guess we can at least take it to be the case that she sometimes thinks he is this way). If she was exactly who she is yet had a considerably higher libido, this wouldn't be an issue.

So, it seems to me the glitch is either in the decision to submit, the type of submission chosen and whom the submission is made to. Where it irks me personally (which is a matter of taste, not 'right vs. wrong') is that I get the sense that, once information is made available to the Dom (health status, exhaustion, etc.) she is expecting him to yield to her decision(s) about what she wants, rather than trusting that he will make the competent decision based on her having provided him with all the necessary info.

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Post #: 25

RE: How about no... - 5/1/2009 11:25:37 AM

SteelofUtah

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quote:

ORIGINAL: NihilusZero

Where it irks me personally (which is a matter of taste, not 'right vs. wrong') is that I get the sense that, once information is made available to the Dom (health status, exhaustion, etc.) she is expecting him to yield to her decision(s) about what she wants, rather than trusting that he will make the competent decision based on her having provided him with all the necessary info.

I agree however if she never tells him how can he deside if he cares?

I get that most actually do assume that when they say "I do not feel like doing this because I feel like this" they usually are expecting to get a pass, andi does it too however when she does she also knows that if I tell her I want it done anyway that she now has a choice to accept it or to risk the penalty for disobedience.

The point is that she is here on the board and talking to us when all of us are powerless to make a change to her Dynamic any suggest we make still requires her to follow though.

Steel

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Post #: 26

RE: How about no... - 5/1/2009 11:34:31 AM

NihilusZero

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah

I agree however if she never tells him how can he deside if he cares?

Completely agreed. The telling should always be available. It's the 'expecting' and preempting of my choice that would get me.

quote:

ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah

I get that most actually do assume that when they say "I do not feel like doing this because I feel like this" they usually are expecting to get a pass, andi does it too however when she does she also knows that if I tell her I want it done anyway that she now has a choice to accept it or to risk the penalty for disobedience.

This is where my other pet peeve comes from. If a sub would say "I don't feel like doing X" and then are told that it is to be done anyway, then I wonder if an "I don't feel like taking the punishment/consequences for not doing X" is around the corner. And, at that juncture, what's the point of even choosing to be in a submissive role in a D/s relationship?

quote:

ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah

The point is that she is here on the board and talking to us when all of us are powerless to make a change to her Dynamic any suggest we make still requires her to follow though.

Steel

Agreed yet again.

_____________________________

"I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
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Post #: 27

RE: How about no... - 5/1/2009 11:55:34 AM

SteelofUtah

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quote:

ORIGINAL: NihilusZero

quote:

ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah

I get that most actually do assume that when they say "I do not feel like doing this because I feel like this" they usually are expecting to get a pass, andi does it too however when she does she also knows that if I tell her I want it done anyway that she now has a choice to accept it or to risk the penalty for disobedience.

This is where my other pet peeve comes from. If a sub would say "I don't feel like doing X" and then are told that it is to be done anyway, then I wonder if an "I don't feel like taking the punishment/consequences for not doing X" is around the corner. And, at that juncture, what's the point of even choosing to be in a submissive role in a D/s relationship?

This is true but there is also human nature and people growing out of and into things.

I am not saying this is a Good excuse but it is one none the less. I meet people all the time who Kink was a "Spice" to the recipie and then later on they decided they perfered the blander fair. That is not to say that vanilla life is Bland just continuing on with the analogy.

So that you know I know personally of 4 relationships that died just this way. One day she decided that she didn't want to take the punishment nor listen to him bellow at her so he had a choice pull the collar or change his expectations...... Guess what of the 4 only one of them split up and she went on to eventually get involved in a different BDSM relationship and he went on to join a church and married a woman who "Helped to show me the proper way" it was shortly after he told me about this that we stopped talking as much. Wonder how the lord is treating him?

Anyway. The point remains that MANY people who are currently involved in this lifestyle are not completely aware of what it takes. Many look for the path of least resistance and as soon as things get difficult they whine about what is being expected of them and wonder why things don't match the fantasy they envisioned. Many more think that this lifestyle will escape the trials and tribulations of any kind of relationship and get confused when all the same problems are there or if they aren't there are new ones that look awful similar but with a new twist.

The reason people say "In Reality" so much is because after you talk to enough people and just learn about what makes them tick you find out many of them aren't really fully fastened in reality they just think that what they have in thier head is going to look, taste, sound and feel the same when they experience it for real.

Steel

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Post #: 28

RE: How about no... - 5/1/2009 12:05:22 PM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
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quote:

...First off, not everyone can be a Mary Poppins Perfect in every way slave. (Love you beth)...

well, crap. there goes this slave's dreams of the "Mary Poppins Slave Academy" books, videos, weekend retreats, and mentoring sessions with a complete line of action figures, dungeon apparel and soy-based candles. guess we'll have to re-vamp the retirement plan!

to the OP:

not everyone experiences submission the same way.

for example, this slave's perception of submission doesn't include feeling it/not feeling it, as a response to being inspired by a particular other person, applied sensations, hormonal fluctuations, illness, energy level, spite or injury. for this slave, submitting is the foundation of this slave's personality...her immediate reaction to the world around her, a source of fulfillment and peace, her sexual fetish and the only side of the slash she will engage in within an intimate relationship with another. it is as much a part of this slave as her freckles...and is something this slave has to consciously supress when dealing with others-who-are-not-Master, for the pleasure of Master and for her physical well-being.

someone who expects this slave to comfortably dominate others, or desired her submission to be something that turned on and off due to being in public or lunar cycles or mood swings or feelings or inspirational folks, would not be a compatible partner. for that reason, this slave believes that it helps to be on the same page with your partner with regards to their expectations of submission and also to communicate with them what submission means to you.

this slave sees nothing wrong with being in a relationship where either or both parties agree to be whatever they want to be, situationally or 24/7. if they have found that is their path to fulfillment, YAAAAY for them!

(in reply to SteelofUtah)

Post #: 29

RE: How about no... - 5/1/2009 12:24:13 PM

lally2

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hey there,

i can see where youre coming from totally. but may i suggest its possibly more about you having to switch it 'on' rather than off.

im a single mum too. youre busy all day with everything, absolutely everything, cooking, cleaning, hugging, listening, runing around in circles and if youre lucky you have five minutes in the day to sit down and chill. you need to wash youre hair, but you cant be arsed, youre wearing youre worst floppy, flabby clothes and you feel about as sexy as a bag of squashed worms.

then he rings and you have to turn down all that background noise and listen to him, switch youreself on to him.

you need a fresh approach to this, you need to ask him if you can talk to him about how you feel and then just talk it through.

you sound frustrated and unhappy with this, he needs to know that you are struggling sometimes.

i dont know if he immediately springs into cock sucking mode, or if maybe he talks for a bit first about youre day and his, but sometimes we need to be warmed up a bit. just cos we're submissive doesnt make us perfect or automaton. and just because he's youre Master doesnt make him perfect or a mind reader.

but first of all, maybe think of it as switching youreself 'on', not switching the whole dynamic 'off' - sometimes looking at something slightly differently helps. it might not, its just a thought.

but i think right now youre feeling really resentful and cross - so you need to talk to him constructively and maybe ask to make a few suggestions that you think would make this switching 'on' when he calls a little easier for you.

(in reply to SteelofUtah)

Post #: 30

RE: How about no... - 5/1/2009 12:42:28 PM

InTonguesslut

Posts: 401
Joined: 3/5/2009
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For me there is no option of switching my submission on and off. If he wants to talk about cock sucking then we talk about cock sucking. Its his call not mine and i chose to accept that when i agreed to serve him.

I have a um, a house to run etc etc and i get tired and grumpy. However unlike you i find being with Sir rejuvenating anf i feel like i've come home. I personally would be worried if i felt like you do and i only served him on a weekend. I'd be questioning whether meeting his needs was in my power and if i was with the right person.

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Post #: 31

RE: How about no... - 5/1/2009 12:49:20 PM

LafayetteLady

Posts: 7683
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From: Northern New Jersey
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quote:

ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah

Truth of the matter is.... we are people and people interact in a way that is comfortable with them. Sure andi can get a little lippy at times, there are even times when I have to cold stop her and tell her that if she cannot say anything positive or without sounding like a bitch then I don't need to hear her right now.

The beauty of communication! Doesn't matter what kind of relationship you are in, or whether you are dominant or submissive in your relationship, everyone has the right to being treated with that kind of respect. Now if we can just get everyone in the world to follow this rule....

(in reply to SteelofUtah)

Post #: 32

RE: How about no... - 5/1/2009 1:22:32 PM

ModeratorSixteen

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Remember the guidelines people.

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RE: How about no... - 5/1/2009 1:43:09 PM

BOUNTYHUNTER

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FR..I know the feeling, some days I feel like turning the whole Master thing off and retiring to my cave but owning property is a 24/7 every day job...As humans we can't be "ON" every waking moment..With this have been said submission is also 24/7 every day job..bounty

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Post #: 34

RE: How about no... - 5/1/2009 4:19:27 PM

littlewonder

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There are times when I don't feel submissive in the least bit. When I get like that I talk to him and let him know what's going on and while he still may require submissive activities from me that doesn't mean I'm feeling it inside and he's ok with that I think. I still go through the motions even if I'm not in the mood because well..that's what I agreed to.

Communicate with your partner and let him understand that you're stressed, tired, not feeling well, angry, upset, whatever.

You're human.

(in reply to breatheasone)

Post #: 35

RE: How about no... - 5/1/2009 7:37:55 PM

lizi

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quote:

ORIGINAL: NihilusZero

quote:

ORIGINAL: lizi

You've been together for the year, he must know that giving you what you need gives him a better chance of getting his needs met as well.

Not to discount the rest of your post, but this sort of mentality seems to fundamentally negate the entire point of a power exchange. First, it's prioritizing the sub's need as far as the decision-making process is concerned (which, if it's a decision made by the Dom, I suppose that's their choice) and, second, it smacks of covert manipulation from the part of the sub (aka tftb).

This is another reason for her to ascertain in great detail what the expectations of her Dom are. He may be okay with making concessions on certain issues but I, for instance, would grow quite displeased to hear things presented in this fashion.

My answer to the OP's posting was addressing the times when she felt stressed...not a reflection on how their power exchange should always be structured. I was under the impression that she felt overwhelmed by life every once in a while and I wasn't suggesting that she use this in order to 'get' something from her partner (tftb) as a manipulation. Only that if he recognized that she was having a stressful time, he may want to approach her in a way that gave her what she needed - be it downtime, a helping hand, a considerate remark, etc - and what usually happens when you are given something is that you give something back. Hence my remark about meeting her needs and having his met in return. I'm sorry that I wasn't very clear in my previous posting because I agree with your opinion about the fundamental base of a power exchange.

I believe as everyone else has commented that the true solution lies in their communication and perhaps also in accepting that life gives us more than we can deal with sometimes and it's nice to get help from those we care about.

(in reply to NihilusZero)

Post #: 36

RE: How about no... - 5/2/2009 6:17:50 AM

lostgirl83

Posts: 81
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Thank you for the constructive responses... It helps to see that Im not the only one who has a hard time balancing everything!

For those who went ahead a little further and picked apart the relationship based on a short paragraph and ignored the actual question... well its a public forum I suppose someone was bound to attempt it weather I asked for it or not.

Just to clear something up let me say, no... he isn't one of those guys who's hyper sexual and launches right into talking about it etc. We do talk about other things but inevitably it comes up in conversation and I suck at lying so I have a hard time trying to feign interest in the subject when Im in this mood (lally2 I loved the analogy of feeling as sexy as a bag of squashed worms... couldn't have put it better myeself) so typically I end up trying to avoid the conversation when he asks about it is usually when I tell him I just have a lot of other things on my mind... It occasionally comes off a little bitchy which I think is what may irritate him. Other times Im perfectly willing to talk about it. I know he isn't a mind reader... In most other ways he's perfect but thats one thing he can't claim I suppose, so yes I do need to communicate better.

(in reply to lizi)

Post #: 37

RE: How about no... - 5/2/2009 10:55:56 AM

pandoravampire

Posts: 374
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I so hear you!
Its a awful feeling antsy, your mouth full of cock, thinking 'for fuck sake, say i can stop please, just get it over i need to sleep'.
You feel a pretty crap submissive. You think unsubmissive thoughts. You think badly of yourself in your role. If your like me, you'll get told how badly you suck at the role too.
Recently, after a 3 month period of telling me how poor a sub i was. And we talked about how little privacy we have to express our dynamic (UM are in 20's) that he wanted to put it down for now. And took his collar back.
How relieved i am.
You see, i noticed that he was also not doing this or that anymore. That he too was too tired for sex and asleep by 9. But he's the D, never in the wrong. That was always my role.
Well no longer.

Our D/s comes and goes. My submissiveness has gone right now. So had his dominance. But he doesnt look at that. Its easier to claim it was 'my' lacking.
pandora

(in reply to NihilusZero)

Post #: 38

RE: How about no... - 5/2/2009 11:03:40 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
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From: Apple County NY
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quote:

ORIGINAL: NihilusZero

. Where it irks me personally (which is a matter of taste, not 'right vs. wrong') is that I get the sense that, once information is made available to the Dom (health status, exhaustion, etc.) she is expecting him to yield to her decision(s) about what she wants, rather than trusting that he will make the competent decision based on her having provided him with all the necessary info.

Actually, I do expect him to trust that I'm not lying to him when I say I'm not interested sexually. Being expected to lie there for five minutes while he gets his rocks off is one thing, but being expected to be interested in sex isn;t something he can make a decision on. It's like him saying I am hungry right after I had lunch.

He isn't in my body, he can't feel what I feel. He can't say "No you are wrong, you really are aroused" and have it magically happen. He can demand sex, he can't demand my arousal. He can demand I fake it, he can't demand I enjoy it.

He can't make a decision about what emotional or physical state I'm in any more than he can demand I levitate in the air against the law of gravity. It just isn't going to happen.

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Post #: 39

RE: How about no... - 5/2/2009 11:07:38 AM

lusciouslips19

Posts: 9792
Joined: 9/8/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: lostgirl83

Do you ever feel like "turning it off" so to speak? Sir and I have been in a relationship for over a year now.... This would make the longest bdsm related relationship I've ever been in.... well ok longest relationship period... Im not so good with the whole dating thing but thats another post. We don't live together but we do talk everyday and see eachother on weekends. I love him to death but sometimes I just don't feel like being submissive. I work full time and I have a 5yr old child.... somedays Im just really worn out and crabby and I don't want to say 'yes sir' or talk about how much I'd love to have his cock in my mouth etc.... I just want to chat about something else and then go to sleep. I worry that one day he'll be like "oh you're not submissive enough" but he's usually pretty understanding when I finally clue him into my issues (although I won't lie sometimes he sounds irritated with me lol) Does anyone else do this? Does anyone else just feel like taking their hat off and saying you don't feel like doing it today?

I completely understand. I havent been feeling very submissive as of late. I am feeling very protective. I am alone burned by one who wasnt so much dominant as selfish and another who adored me but didnt know what he was doing in BDSM and hurt me physically. So right now I find myself able to bottom, but not submit. There is alot of defenses to penetrate through to invoke my submission as I am my own keeper.

< Message edited by lusciouslips19 -- 5/2/2009 11:25:50 AM >

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