RE: The Dynamics of Others

RE: The Dynamics of Others (Full Version)

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LadyPact -> RE: The Dynamics of Others (3/23/2009 5:31:42 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: HeavansKeeper Lady Pact, you act as though being incapable of understanding is the same as not having it be explained. Any mind which can comprehend notions like owning a person CAN grasp the controlling issue. The faux pas mentioned above would be akin to invtng vegetarians to a nice steak house. The forgetfulness can be offensive, hence why they (the hypothetical M/s couple) ought to be understanding. Expecting others to observe one's belief with the same fervor is foolish. This begs the question... Are you (the general you) willing/open/approachable/patient/understanding toward people wanting to learn about your dynamic? I would contend that I don't act that way, but it does serve to prove My point. There are a lot of reasons why a person might not understand. A lack of explanation is just one of them. It could be that I just wasn't articulate enough to be able to convey a sense of understanding. Another possibility is the person's own feelings on the matter. There are plenty of folks out there practicing kink who feel that protocols are silly and don't identify with them. I could try to convey My sentiment to them on the matter, but I could most certainly fail because we just don't feel the same way.

DesFIP -> RE: The Dynamics of Others (3/23/2009 7:00:01 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: HeavansKeeper You say "one cannot learn with an open mind and judge at the same time" but I say the opposite. To learn, we must judge everything. If you can judge, and keep an open mind, at exactly the same time, then I am impressed. Because to me, that's holding two exactly opposite viewpoints. I can't learn unless I suspend judgment until after I've learned about it, whatever the it is. If I'm judging, then I'm cutting down what I'm hearing and dismissing it in my head. I'm not involved in active listening but in running a tape in my head of reasons why my way is better. I'm a highly judgmental person, and for me, judging and being open minded are not things that can co-exist, they have to come in sequence. I hadn't realized that you have some difficulties with emotions, perhaps that's what is coming across to me as you setting yourself up as the twue master and being dismissing and condescending to anyone who is different. Which unfortunately is the tone I've been interpreting your writings as.

HeavansKeeper -> RE: The Dynamics of Others (3/23/2009 7:21:03 PM)
Lady Pact, your continued patience and willingness to discuss at length is always appreciated. It's a rare treat for me, most get fed up with me too quickly for progress to be made. [&:] I've lost track on if we disagree about anything. I agree that a person can easily fail to convey the importance of an act that the audience doesn't care about. I can't, for the life of me, make my women's studies teacher understand the freedom of a woman who belongs, as property, to a man. (Actually, that's just preying on stereotypes - she happened to be kink friendly) Back on track, our statements are not at odds. Some people don't want to learn about other's dynamics. Since they don't want to learn, they surely won't respect them. If I am open to learning, and you are open to teaching, then I would become well versed in your dynamics. If I ignored your protocol, then either a) they slipped my mind, or b) I don't care about you and yours enough to remember your preferences. I'm not saying people aren't dicks... They are. And they do violate peoples dynamics from time to time. It's sad, but true. These are the people we end up writing out of our lives.

LadyPact -> RE: The Dynamics of Others (3/23/2009 8:13:10 PM)
It isn't often I get accused of being patient, so I'll thank you for that. When going on potential options a or b, I really do tend to find that it's a that happens more often. People who do things in a different manner than someone else might have this huge mental rolladex trying to remember everyone's preferences and that can be a lot to retain. I'd certainly agree that people have to be understanding from the other point of view and be willing to remember that it takes a lot to remember everyone's preference all of the time. This might be an interesting analogy. This past weekend, I went to a potluck that was held by the local group here. Many of the people, I've known for years. There were probably about twenty people or so in attendance. Of those twenty people, one was allergic to onions (that would be Me), one to strawberries, and one lactose intolerant. In addition, one person had an problem with a tooth. This is on top of at least two people who can't eat any kind of spicy food, and two people who are diabetic. Guess how many people brought chicken. LOL.

HeavansKeeper -> RE: The Dynamics of Others (3/23/2009 9:05:17 PM)
Ann Landers (a famous advice columnist, not sure how far her reach spreads) told her readers "Anytime you serve fish, also serve chicken." I like your analogy, and it's more applicable the more one thinks about it. It's hard to anticipate the needs of others, easy to forget their preferences, and hard to ignore what we like. But we try... Sometimes its a sacrifice, but a good host aims to make the guest feel at home. Even then, sometimes things go wrong, even if everyone had the best intention.

Andalusite -> RE: The Dynamics of Others (3/23/2009 9:20:57 PM)
I love learning/hearing about others' dynamics, as long as they don't try to push me to follow their example. Sometimes it's nice to fantasise/hypothesise about being in that kind of relationship, but I try to be realistic about whether or not I would actually want it/if it would actually work for me.

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