The Dynamics of Others

The Dynamics of Others (Full Version)

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LadyPact -> The Dynamics of Others (3/22/2009 6:35:32 PM)
I don't think it's any surprise to anyone who has some type of kink in their day to day life, that there are other people out there doing things differently than you might do them. There are a lot of sub cultures and choices of expression that are under this huge umbrella of wiidwd. The spectrum of which absolutely amazes Me at times. It only continues to serve as proof that there is not One True Way. Having said that, I can not help but to pause and say that there does happen to be My Way, which works for Me. Just like you have your way and it works for you. I'd be willing to wager that, for those who have been doing this for a while, you, like Me, have found your way over time, through trial and error, through where you have found your niche or your happiness. As someone else said in an unrelated thread, if you didn't think your way was the best way for you, you'd be doing it someone else's way. So, for the sake of discussion, let's accept the fact that people can do things differently, and derive various levels of success with it. Now here you come along, rational person that you are, who might have a different way, but can not help but see that, something else is working for those people that you see. You might not believe in their methods, or wish to adopt them, but there's no mistake that, whatever it is, actually works for them. It doesn't matter which particular style or name is associated with it. Be it leather, Gor, fetishist, 1950's household, supremacy, poly, M/s, D/s, or any other thing that you can possibly come up with. How do you handle your interactions with someone who, obviously, does things differently than you do? Would it be your inclination to learn more about them, even though their style is different than yours?

crouchingtigress -> RE: The Dynamics of Others (3/22/2009 6:40:36 PM)
I enjoy learning as a rule, and I tend to follow cunt as a compass. But if I am not getting any tingles by something someone else is into then I look for the vesica pices (the place where two circles overlap) to find common ground...if they are kinky usually its not hard to do.

LaTigresse -> RE: The Dynamics of Others (3/22/2009 6:42:01 PM)
I enjoy talking to people that do things in ways I am pretty sure are not my thing, nor will ever be my thing. I can still learn from people that are vastly different and sometimes actually prefer being around people that are extremely different for this very reason. I don't like stagnating. Feeling that I know everything. I enjoy being challenged in a way. Not combatively, but in ways I can learn from, expand my mind and abilities, get new perspectives.

LadyPact -> RE: The Dynamics of Others (3/22/2009 6:43:56 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress I enjoy learning as a rule, and I tend to follow cunt as a compass. But if I am not getting any tingles by something someone else is into then I look for the vesica pices (the place where two circles overlap) to find common ground...if they are kinky usually its not hard to do. Yet I would contend that I can get those tingles, just because the people involved in whatever it is, makes them happy.

califsue -> RE: The Dynamics of Others (3/22/2009 6:46:49 PM)
Personally for me, I like learning and knowing about HOW others make their relationship work. Since I am a relative newbie and only one real time experience it is always interesting for me to read how others make their own relationships work.

ExSteelAgain -> RE: The Dynamics of Others (3/22/2009 6:48:57 PM)
Other people energy is real. Bring someone new around and watch if you don't believe me. Bring another into a relationship and everyone is excited...for awhile. Get to know the person and the same rules of any relationship, connection or play prevail. It's like some of the new submissives who get on here and are soooo happy with the attention they get. Later, when they have been used in a few relationships where their newness quickly wore off, they are here asking how they can find a Dom on CM.

AquaticSub -> RE: The Dynamics of Others (3/22/2009 6:56:24 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact How do you handle your interactions with someone who, obviously, does things differently than you do? Would it be your inclination to learn more about them, even though their style is different than yours? It honestly depends on how I am interacting with them and the way they interact with other people. If they are respectful of my way of doing things, then I'm more likely to be interested in theirs. It also depends on where I meet them and the situation that we're in. Overall, I am interested in learning how people do things but I may or may not persue learning about them depending on what is going on at the time.

HeavansKeeper -> RE: The Dynamics of Others (3/22/2009 6:56:44 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact How do you handle your interactions with someone who, obviously, does things differently than you do? Would it be your inclination to learn more about them, even though their style is different than yours? I don't believe in the theory that people should not challenge the way of others. If I see issues which concern me, I decide if I care about the person enough to test their methodology. Are they approachable enough to be questioned? Refusing to test the system stems from a fear of breaking it, and I have little place in my life for those so afraid of breaking things they refuse to entertain the idea of change. In this sense, yes, my inclination is to learn more about them. If I happen to disagree on some point or kink, I'll voice my opinion. Another reasonable person would either say "Understood. I disagree, and this is why..." and maybe I'll learn something. Or they might say "Never thought about it that way..." and they might learn something. I consider that beautiful. I love to learn, and I'm willing to learn about as much as I can - so long as the teacher is willing to hear objection. Certain responses... "It's just what we do." "You couldn't understand." "Because that's the way it is." "It's the way we've always done it, that's why it's right." Sicken me. I don't like those who refuse to grow and learn. I don't like when people refuse to reason, so they can better understand choices they have already made. I have a particular pet peeve for people who are, self admittedly, 100% swayed by a counter argument, but don't change anything. Very few people have this level of craziness. And usually differences come down to a difference in values - those are hard to change. In short, I try to learn about lifestyles which are not my own. Maybe I'll like them, and make them my own.

DomImus -> RE: The Dynamics of Others (3/22/2009 7:06:18 PM)
I am happy if they are happy and just leave it at that. If I see something in their dynamic that I would not adopt or that would not work for me then there is no real value in studying their dynamic any further. I am then happy that they are happy and move along particularly if what I am doing makes me happy. If you have been unable to build a lasting and happy relationship it might be of value to learn their strategies more closely but not if it would mean significant compromises on your part to follow their lead.

DesFIP -> RE: The Dynamics of Others (3/22/2009 7:26:38 PM)
If it holds no appeal to me, I will not feel any interest in learning more about it. I read about astronomy but not about lichens because some science interests me and others do not. Live and let live as long as I don't find them offensive or unsafe. If I do I am likely to use the block buttons. I'm not poly but occasionally read the poly threads. I'm interested in how they solve life problems, like who gets the outside of the bed and what if you all need the edge to sleep. I find the gorean protocols of speech interfere in clear communication so I don't go there and I skip over a gorean's comments on these boards if I know the way they talk will make my teeth itch.

kuriouswitch -> RE: The Dynamics of Others (3/22/2009 7:41:50 PM)
I'm always asking questions. Master's even threatened a ball gag since i tend to even ask them in my sleep lol. so I'd most definately be up to learning from someone else even if they do do things differently. i might learn how to do something differently, make it feel different or maybe a new skill i didn't know about. I might also be able to teach them some new things. If it doesn't feel good or not what i myself agree with or enjoy it's not going to hurt anybody but i hopefully have met someone new and made a friend.. we just do things differently.

littlewonder -> RE: The Dynamics of Others (3/22/2009 7:51:02 PM)
quote: How do you handle your interactions with someone who, obviously, does things differently than you do? Would it be your inclination to learn more about them, even though their style is different than yours? I just shrug my shoulders and figure whatever works for em. It's not my life, it's their's. Just don't involve me and I don't really care what they do. I don't try to ask questions about their lives because to be honest..I'm not interested in knowing. I figure I have my own life to figure out which takes more than enough of my energy.

DiurnalVampire -> RE: The Dynamics of Others (3/22/2009 11:16:26 PM)
I am always happy to share how I do things and listen to others about how they do. Just because it is not how I do things now doesnt mean I might not enjoy it if I try it. It might never have occured to me. I also look at some other relationships and see the problems they run into as learning oppertunities for things not to get myelf into. Everything is a chance to learn more about myself and what I have with Fox. DV

NihilusZero -> RE: The Dynamics of Others (3/23/2009 12:22:37 AM)
Sometimes it's just the inspirational aspect of listening from people who have managed to turn their ways and desires into fruitful relationships. The ends can be numerous and varied, but often the means to getting there are built upon things which can be applicable to many.

MaamJay -> RE: The Dynamics of Others (3/23/2009 1:52:33 AM)
It really is a case by case basis, depending upon what "it" is. If it's a technique I will usually observe and ask questions to determine whether there is any aspect that is better than My way. I like to learn. If I really felt that their way was unsafe and I could offer rational reasons for that, I would likely raise the issue but would do so sensitively and respectfully. Ultimately it's there decision whether to continue or change and they carry the can for that. If it's more of a relationship thing, I love to ask questions and discuss the similarities and differences, but am more inclined to continue with what I have found works for the relationship I have. Like Heavan's Keeper, I would tend to give up and walk away if it's obvious that rational and informed discussion isn't going to eventuate. For eg if I get any of the answers HK quoted! Not worth My effort to persevere. Maam Jay aka violet[A]

LadyPact -> RE: The Dynamics of Others (3/23/2009 2:30:07 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: HeavansKeeper I love to learn, and I'm willing to learn about as much as I can - so long as the teacher is willing to hear objection. Certain responses... "It's just what we do." "You couldn't understand." "Because that's the way it is." "It's the way we've always done it, that's why it's right." Sicken me. I don't like those who refuse to grow and learn. I don't like when people refuse to reason, so they can better understand choices they have already made. In short, I try to learn about lifestyles which are not my own. Maybe I'll like them, and make them my own. Forgive the snipping down of your response. I tend to do that when there is something in particular that I would like to address. Since this was also agreed with by MaamJay, I wanted to touch on it. To play Devil's Advocate on My own thread, I'd have to say that I've given one or two of the answers you've quoted above. The short answer might be all I have time for. The long answer might have to wait until later. Where I run into this a lot are on matters of ritual and the level of protocol in the dynamic I'm involved in. Sometimes, it does just boil down to that I'm happier living this way. I may not be on the type of terms with you (general you, not you specifically, HK) that I can express to you where that comes from or what it means to Me. It may be personal to Me, and on that premise, no, you wouldn't understand because I'm not willing to reveal it. The possibility does exist that a ritual was put in place for an reason too intimate to share.

persephonee -> RE: The Dynamics of Others (3/23/2009 4:48:56 AM)
i tend to get really interested in others dynamics if i see a lot of harmony amongst more protocol or something that i am not sure i could be successful doing. i like to talk kink, so anything others do, interests me at least enough to talk about it....who wants to talk the price of milk if you can discuss hanging upside down from the rafters in the basement? Long standing couples who are still up and running interest me greatly, no matter what the dynamic. Leave it to Amy to make me think of geometry at 650am....sheesh!

CatdeMedici -> RE: The Dynamics of Others (3/23/2009 5:38:03 AM)
I think that's a situation that people face everyday whether its in the WIITWD or out there--if I wanted to be "them, it, Her", I would already be "them, it, Her". That's not to say I am not always learning, growing, but its still always an adaption suited to My core beliefs and values. I have never been a " I want what they have" or " oohh if I did it that way, I'd be, or it would xxx"--with each situation, there are its own set of rewards and its own set of challenges. I stay true to what I define as My One True Way, here or out there, taking bits and pieces where they fit who I am. If it works for others, great, but chances are 99% of what they are, do, have, doesn't fit for Me, if it did, as I said, I'd already be there.

agirl -> RE: The Dynamics of Others (3/23/2009 6:01:14 AM)
If I'm interested in a person, as a person ...then I'm usually interested in what they do and what they think...because it's to do with them, not because I'm necessarily interested in it as a subject in and of itself. I'm not particularly driven to find out anything about people that I'm not interested in. agirl

slaveluci -> RE: The Dynamics of Others (3/23/2009 6:15:18 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact How do you handle your interactions with someone who, obviously, does things differently than you do? Would it be your inclination to learn more about them, even though their style is different than yours? I very much agree with AquaticSub in that the level of interest/respect I show for their way will depend on the level they demonstrate for mine. We don't do public stuff but I'm interested in reading from folks who do. It interests me WHY they do and what they derive from it. However, all interest in that evaporates when they begin lecturing on how one MUST be in the public "scene" or they are "questionable" or somehow suspect. I'm all for you doing your "community" thing but don't look down your nose at me because it's not our way. Same goes for the gorean thing. It's interesting to me how some people live by those books' philosophies. I think some of those couples/households have a great thing going on and it works for them. However, I have rarely seen much healthy/two-way type interaction between the most vocal goreans and lots of folks who post here but aren't gorean. Some, yes, but not alot. In my personal opinion, it seems like most who attempt to address them on "their" forum get bullied, put down and mocked. The arrogance level there is unparalled. So much so, that discussion between goreans is often hindered. Do I begrudge them their gorean world? Nope. Do I think it's ridiculous that many of them often use their supposed higher level of "honor" as some sort of weapon against those who don't identify as gorean? You betcha. Again, the level of respect I demonstrate will be on par with the level I receive. It's the same no matter what the other person's viewpoint/lifestyle is......................luci

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