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fear? - 2/28/2009 8:18:01 PM

lilsub18

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Do you believe that there has to be some level of fear for a dominant/submissive relationship to work?

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RE: fear? - 2/28/2009 8:53:56 PM

peppermint

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I would not be with someone I feared. I do not see how fear has anything to do with Power Exchange.

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RE: fear? - 2/28/2009 8:59:16 PM

PapaJohnQ

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Fear is one of the most important spices we have in life. After 30 years of marriage I asked my wife, mother of two highly creative and talented children, why she was afraid of me.
We went through it using a rational analytical approach.
I asked her if I had ever hurt her.
"No!" was her answer.
I asked her if I had ever threatened her. (In my youth I was 6'2", and 285 lbs of gorilla, now I am 6' and 385 lbs of gorilla.) "No!" was her answer, she being 5'2" and 150 lbs of balled fury.
I asked her if I ever lost my temper with her.
"Often," she said.
"Does it frighten you?" I asked.
"Hardly," she answered. "You are a cream puff" she said.
"Then why are you frightened of me?" I asked her.
"Because," she said, "if you ever do lose your temper, it must be terrifying. I have seen you put your fist through doors just for fun. What would happen if you turned mean."
I laughed and said, "You mean like you did when you terrified the whole general's headquarters just because you were shy and went around walking very quickly, and not speaking to anyone?"

How could we exist without fear? If not imposed on us against our will, we create it to give our lives that added extra bit of spice. We need that shot of adrenalin to give us that kick that makes life worth while. "Here, take me, do with me what you will!" is merely an excuse for us to let ourselves scare us silly playing the game "what if" he she or it really did the things which I can imagine he, she, or it could really do.

Fear is not terror. Terror is a mind chilling paralyzing emotion which turns the victim into a deranged mindless creature, neither living nor existing. Terror is reality. It is the reality which persons being eaten by bears may experience or the anticipation which one about to be destroyed by an approaching train may experience or the student who is faced with an exam he, she, or it knows will lead to failure, ridicule, and rejection.

Fear is a lovely thing, I suppose. I have been accused of not knowing it. Fact is I am not smart enough to recognize situations when I should have it. Later when I wake up in the hospital, I can't remember what happened. You just can't teach an old dog new tricks.

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RE: fear? - 2/28/2009 9:08:23 PM

ExKat

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Fear has no place in our relationship. Certainaly not outside the playroom. Ex is a sweetie and in full control of himself: any fist shaped holes in our walls come from me (mainly, there are wall-shaped bruises on my fists). In the playroom, occasionally there are moments of...intimidation, perhaps. But nothing like fear. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with legitimate fear...how can I trust someone who I fear isn't in control of himself or literally wants to hurt me (in a non-fun way)?

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RE: fear? - 2/28/2009 9:11:33 PM

naswitch

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Fear has many meanings and I'll say that there is an amount of at least two kinds to the submissive. There is the "what if" kind of fear that any sensible person has when turning their will over to someone else and there is the spirtiual fear that is defined as "reverential awe".

A feeling of disquiet or apprehension: a fear of looking foolish.
Extreme reverence or awe, as toward a supreme power.

I rather like to have my sub experiencing both. Do I believe it has to be present in any and all D/s relationships. Nope. Can't speak for anyone else - but I enjoy it in mine. How anyone else's relationship works is up to the parties involved. The opinions expressed above show this to be the case.

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RE: fear? - 2/28/2009 9:38:44 PM

servantheart

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Genuine fear? No. Healthy respect? Yes.

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RE: fear? - 2/28/2009 9:42:45 PM

mc1234

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No, I don't believe so. I don't want to tremble in fear of the person to whom I submit. I want to shiver with nervousness, anxiousness or need ... but not fear.

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RE: fear? - 2/28/2009 10:14:53 PM

Evility

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Fear is too broad of a concept to be able to answer yes or no without further expansion. My submissive does not fear for her safety or well being when she is with me because she knows I will preserve those things. She does literally tremble with fear at the mere thought of some of the things I do to her. I am not your garden variety dominant who caters to the whims of his submissive by only doing those things that she enjoys. I tend to be drawn to those things that she hates and/or fears most. So in that context, fear is a very real and vibrant part of our dynamic.

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RE: fear? - 2/28/2009 10:18:03 PM

IronBear

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Fear of failure is a two edged sword. It can spur you on to greater things and safe satisfying play by making you pay closer attention. It can also cripple you if you allow it to do so.

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RE: fear? - 2/28/2009 10:28:52 PM

HeavansKeeper

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quote:

ORIGINAL: servantheart

Genuine fear? No. Healthy respect? Yes.

I was going to type something that boiled down to this. Power exchange is about, oddly enough, funneling power from bottom to top.

I use this power to facilitate a wonderful world for pets. Though an act can be exciting, one small tweak and its suddenly terrifying. I don't understand the excitement and potential fear as the pets do, but I know it exists. That said, I would never want my pets to be afraid of ME, as a person. I want them to see me as approachable, ESPECIALLY when reason tells them I won't be.

A saying I like: "If you don't look up at them, don't let them look down on you." My pets put power into me. This power can be frighteningly exciting and sometimes scary. They could leave at any time, and then they'd have no reason to treat me better than a street bum.

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RE: fear? - 2/28/2009 10:48:45 PM

NuevaVida

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Living with fear in a relationship is not healthy for me. Feeling intimidated from time to time, can be quite delicious.

< Message edited by NuevaVida -- 2/28/2009 10:49:21 PM >

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RE: fear? - 2/28/2009 10:53:55 PM

silkncarol

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Well said Evility. Fear of the unknown..what he'll do, what path he's chosen to take me down, but never the Man.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Evility

Fear is too broad of a concept to be able to answer yes or no without further expansion. My submissive does not fear for her safety or well being when she is with me because she knows I will preserve those things. She does literally tremble with fear at the mere thought of some of the things I do to her. I am not your garden variety dominant who caters to the whims of his submissive by only doing those things that she enjoys. I tend to be drawn to those things that she hates and/or fears most. So in that context, fear is a very real and vibrant part of our dynamic.

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RE: fear? - 2/28/2009 11:07:04 PM

lilsub18

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I wasnt very specific. I wasnt referring to fear like fear of being harmed. im not actually sure how to describe the kind of fear im referring to...

i guess i can give an example.. a couple weeks ago i mentioned to my Dom that i feared him. I quickly clarified that i did not fear that he would hurt me (though he is a hardcore sadist lol) but more in general. He is not the type of Dom to yell and punish me exessivly. He actually very very rarely has ever raised his voice at all. I had a hard time explaining to him what i ment, just as i am having a hard time explaining it now... He does not punish me for things i do or do not say, yet i often find myself thinking about things hard before i say it... When he tells me to do something i do it, not only out of respect but also out of some level of fear....When his voice gets harsh, my mind goes into hyperdrive to achieve what he is asking, that would not happen if i did not fear him on some level...right?

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RE: fear? - 3/1/2009 1:07:08 AM

HeavansKeeper

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Yes, there is some fear there. I also have harshened my tone when focus or obedience is needed and not present. It works. The real issue is whether the fear of retaliation is the initial motivation.

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RE: fear? - 3/1/2009 6:06:34 AM

SultryMomma

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lilsub, I think what your talking about is more a "fear" of disappointing your Dom. That's my take on it anyways.

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(Kris)

quote:

ORIGINAL: lilsub18

I wasnt very specific. I wasnt referring to fear like fear of being harmed. im not actually sure how to describe the kind of fear im referring to...

i guess i can give an example.. a couple weeks ago i mentioned to my Dom that i feared him. I quickly clarified that i did not fear that he would hurt me (though he is a hardcore sadist lol) but more in general. He is not the type of Dom to yell and punish me exessivly. He actually very very rarely has ever raised his voice at all. I had a hard time explaining to him what i ment, just as i am having a hard time explaining it now... He does not punish me for things i do or do not say, yet i often find myself thinking about things hard before i say it... When he tells me to do something i do it, not only out of respect but also out of some level of fear....When his voice gets harsh, my mind goes into hyperdrive to achieve what he is asking, that would not happen if i did not fear him on some level...right?

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RE: fear? - 3/1/2009 6:15:18 AM

slaveluci

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quote:

ORIGINAL: lilsub18

Do you believe that there has to be some level of fear for a dominant/submissive relationship to work?

Nope. As you can see, all relationships are different. Some feel fear (whatever they define that to be) is a desirable element. Some do not. Me? I don't want to "fear" Him. All I fear is knowing that someday - due to our mere mortality - we will alas have to part if only temporarily. Now that's to fear.................luci

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RE: fear? - 3/1/2009 6:28:12 AM

Mercnbeth

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quote:

ORIGINAL: lilsub18
Do you believe that there has to be some level of fear for a dominant/submissive relationship to work?

The only fear that exists between us is the fear of being without the other. It will have 'worked' for six years as of 11:30 a.m. today.

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RE: fear? - 3/1/2009 6:28:55 AM

chainedgirl

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Its whatever works for that couple, for me personally, fear has no place in our relationship. i could not go into subspace if i feared Master. i could not do a lot of things if i feared Him.

I think fear is the right word here, sounds like He is authorative and you migh have a bit of a fear of authority. As long as your relationship works for you both overall, it doesn't matter how you get there.

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RE: fear? - 3/1/2009 6:45:44 AM

tartansIutNS

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i think it's the tiny little edge between trust and fear that can make it so exciting. What is happening to you as the sub might objectively be horrible and scary and frightening and rational brain says, 'be afraid!' But you know the person who's putting you through this, you serve them, have agreed to this and you trust them. It isn't essential, but it does add a certain something if both partners can keep it in its place.

i don't think what the OP described is fear of the person, what sultrymomma called fear of disappointing sounds spot on to me. And as long as you keep it in check it's no bad thing. i find if i always keep it inside it eats away at me and leads to problems; voicing it to my Master calms me down no end and reminds me that my best is what is required.

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RE: fear? - 3/1/2009 8:03:50 AM

KatyLied

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Ongoing fear, no. Fear of the unknown when playing with a trusted partner......yes.

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