Desdriv
Posts: 12
Joined: 2/7/2009
Status: offline
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First, It is a pleasure to meet everyone , although I have been a member for a while I believe this is my first post.. To be honest I am not sure because there is always the possibility albeit seldom, that I may have said hello previously and do not remember, like right now for instance the possibility exists and for sure the time I signed up. Anyways, it is a pleasure, I appreciate all feedback and thoughts generous people are willing to share.
My situation is this and question to follow. I am very fortunate and grateful to have found the love of my life almost six years ago, Nobody is perfect and certainly not She nor myself, we have certainly had our differences, ups and downs, etc... but the fact of the matter is that we love each other and we appreciate the love we share. All in All things are great and I asure you I am not thinking about this nor asking due to lack of anything, I am asking because I would like very much to know others perspectives and thoughts.
I may have failed at this already but in an attempt to make a long story short, BDSM was my interest and the moment that I felt serious about her I told her about my interest at the risk of a reaction I had not hoped for but in the interest of honesty and respect. The result was beyond spectacular and I will quote from my fondest memory, (mind you that she was from a culture I had no personal knowledge of at the time, she is Mexican, and was raised in a very religious based home) , she said to me in the sweetest way, " I appreciate you being honest with me, I am not sure where we are going either, but I strongly like you to and although this is not something I am familiar with, I will look into it with an open mind if it is something that is of interest to you", then she said " you know I am very happy that you feel this way about me and enough to tell me something so personal, many spend there lives keeping secrets and hiding their true feelings and desires and are really strangers to each other", then she said "and you know what else I think that a lot of pain and mistakes could be avoided if people would talk more openly like this look at all the rape and violence" and at this point, all of the worrying and second guessing I had tortured myself with prior , faded away. She really is that way , just a beautiful person inside and out and I love her. Now comes my question.
From there she did indeed keep an open mind and in fact was excited about learning of and thinking about things she had never been exposed to nor considered and to this day she enjoys some conversation and exploration together. But the fact is that as the newness wore off so faded her excitement and then came the realization that she did not share the interest nor passion at the level that I do. Which is fine, understandable and respected. For me though, a bit of a let down as I had been so excited in the thought that one day, however long it took, we would eventually be able to explore together beyond the safety zone we had created , unknowingly for me. There came a point where I felt that it was time and the excitement blinded me to the fact that she had no desire to take it any further, and the desire blinded me to the fact that I was pushing her to find the desire which did and does not exist for her. Thankfully, even though late, I realized this and stopped altogether as our relationship was under stress at my pushing. It had been quite some time and the other day I approached her to let her know that I love her and never want her to feel that type of pressure from me but that I do still hold these desires. She said to me , "I love you very much and I am very happy, I do enjoy and think about these fantasies but I am also very nervous and not ready to take it to another level and do not know if I will ever be able to but I know that these are desires that you have and there is nothing wrong with them and I want you to find someone and act on them, at this point I asked her if she is serious and actually my true feeling at the time was that I wanted to explore with her and not for her to not be present, and she responded , please, I want you to do this, just be careful, respectful of me and don't talk about it. Very sorry to anyone who reads this I have definitely failed at long story short ....
So here I sit, questioning myself on many levels, first and most importantly, I love her deeply and would never want to disrespect nor hurt her in any way, I do have the concern that as paranoid as it may seem, there is the rare occasion that a woman has said to me one thing and meant something else entirely but she has not held anything back in the past in such a way so I have no reason to believe so now. Bottom line is I have permission, and the desire, but my main and only concern in the decision to explore my own desires without her would be just that...that I would be doing so out of selfishness, please know that I am the type of person who more often then not puts others before myself when making decisions and perhaps a reason why this decision is not so simple for me.
I would like to know what you would do if you had the desire and the permission. Thank You all in advance and I look forward to reading your thoughtful response.
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