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RE: If one has a bad experience with someone from here... - 2/23/2009 10:15:51 PM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
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and, as I've said before, references are only as good as the trust you place in the person giving them. Who's gonna give the names of someone who might give a negative review?

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(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 21

RE: If one has a bad experience with someone from here... - 2/23/2009 10:57:52 PM

subharlequin

Posts: 54
Joined: 2/20/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SailingBum

Why do some ppl want to air their dirty laundry to a bunch of ppl they don't know and for the most part could give a shit less about?

BadOne

(hopes i set this right...)
because you get better advise from strangers..more truthful and in your face where as people you know will hem an haw and make you feel justified and correct for your thoughts on what ever occured....personally i like the honesty of strangers plus you dont ever have to see them again and wonder what they really think of what happened...but then again thats just me an i tend to get overly friendly with strangers..ofcourse loads of alchy does help out with loosening my tongue but thats neither here nor there

(in reply to SailingBum)

Post #: 22

RE: If one has a bad experience with someone from here... - 2/23/2009 11:15:29 PM

talktomeplease

Posts: 21
Joined: 8/1/2008
Status: offline

It's disappointing to see people blame the poster for whatever bad experiences she had with this man. Really, we don't know from the brief description what happened, whether she ignored all kinds of red flags or whether she was cautious and still got burned. It happens. The world is not just and we don't have perfect control over how we are treated. To insist otherwise is a hurtful fiction that reduces compassion, as this thread well illustrates.

Personally, I'd have no problem with public outing of some types of bad behavior that fall outside of "he said/she said". For example, people who say they are single but are not. No need to rely on someone's word--a check of public records will yield the answer. Same with those who have criminal records, especially of violent crimes. It's public information and I see nothing wrong with making a point of circulating that information amongst interested parties.

To say "too bad if your time was wasted; other people will just have to find out for themselves" seems callous to me. If someone is a known abuser or liar, why should they be allowed to continue getting away with it, over and over again? Even when I've found out a man is married before becoming too involved with them, it's still taken me an investment of time I can never get back. That's my life they are stealing with their lies, and I don't understand why their privacy should matter more than the time they stole from me under false pretenses.

Even though it is against the TOS to write about bad experiences you had with specific users, you can always do so off-site, for example at don't date him girl.

(in reply to subharlequin)

Post #: 23

RE: If one has a bad experience with someone from here... - 2/24/2009 12:01:23 AM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
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No one is blaming the poster.

However, we are being realistic about the fact that we don't know this woman from Eve and pyscho lying bitches exist. While I doubt she is one, I'm not going to condemn someone I don't know from Internet postings that someone else I don't know made.

And in the end, quite frankly, one person's bad time is another person's heaven. A friend warned me off a guy because she thought he was too aggressive and would hurt me. Her bad experience with him was valid - I, however, find him a delightful bedpartner and we've been friends for years.

Edited to add - Ok the reference lady might be blaming the poster but I'd call that the minority in this thread.

< Message edited by AquaticSub -- 2/24/2009 12:04:11 AM >

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to talktomeplease)

Post #: 24

RE: If one has a bad experience with someone from here... - 2/24/2009 12:10:46 AM

Lynnxz

Posts: 4813
Joined: 10/3/2006
From: Atlanta
Status: offline

Either report it to the police or get over it.

*shrug*

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HBIC

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Post #: 25

RE: If one has a bad experience with someone from here... - 2/24/2009 12:17:47 AM

susie

Posts: 1699
Joined: 11/21/2004
Status: offline

FR

Before I met Master he played with a sub. Safewords were set. During the play the sub safeworded and he stopped everything. The sub then started screaming abuse. Her idea was that he had gone past her limits because she had needed to safeword. She then went on various chat rooms that they both frequented and told everyone that he was unsafe and abusive. Luckily the play had happened at the house of another sub who had heard the whole event and was able to back up Master's side of things.

Had I listened to the story from the sub I would have thought he was a terrible Dom and one to be avoided. This is not the case and in fact it turns out that this is something the sub has done a few times since then. If there had not been someone else there when this event took place many would have believed the sub and Master would have been seen as an unsafe Dom.

There are always 2 sides to every story and whilst I do not doubt the OP had a bad experience in her view we have not heard the other side of the story.

(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 26

RE: If one has a bad experience with someone from here... - 2/24/2009 1:04:36 AM

talktomeplease

Posts: 21
Joined: 8/1/2008
Status: offline

" No one is blaming the poster. "

Sure they are. Here's an example, courtesy of CreativeDom: "take a minute to look in the mirror and ask yourself what your part in all that went wrong was. And that doesn't mean answers like "well, I was wrong to go out with such a jerk". That still leaves all the blame elsewhere. If you are honest, you will find at least one thing that helped to lead to the situation."

Interesting how confident he is, simply from reading one short post in the forum, that the OP must be at least partially to blame.

And this from came4u: "lemme guess? spoke to him a few days/weeks/months before meeting him in person? Whos to blame in that case? Try making a guy go into great detail of his past and present life for an extended period of time. Likely within a few hours he would cause you to 'drop it' so you wouldn't have to meet to find out he is a goof. You would have known he was capable if you had spoken to him longer. Deep down, when you look back, you saw the signs didn't ya?"

Just world theory in its full glory. http://www.scu.edu/ethics/publications/iie/v3n2/justworld.html

(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 27

RE: If one has a bad experience with someone from here... - 2/24/2009 1:06:51 AM

talktomeplease

Posts: 21
Joined: 8/1/2008
Status: offline

Oh and, regarding "in the end, quite frankly, one person's bad time is another person's heaven"--so would you say then that some people enjoy being lied to about someone's marital status? That's something I find very, very, VERY hard to believe.

(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 28

RE: If one has a bad experience with someone from here... - 2/24/2009 1:10:05 AM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: talktomeplease

" No one is blaming the poster. "

Sure they are. Here's an example, courtesy of CreativeDom: "take a minute to look in the mirror and ask yourself what your part in all that went wrong was. And that doesn't mean answers like "well, I was wrong to go out with such a jerk". That still leaves all the blame elsewhere. If you are honest, you will find at least one thing that helped to lead to the situation."

Interesting how confident he is, simply from reading one short post in the forum, that the OP must be at least partially to blame.

And this from came4u: "lemme guess? spoke to him a few days/weeks/months before meeting him in person? Whos to blame in that case? Try making a guy go into great detail of his past and present life for an extended period of time. Likely within a few hours he would cause you to 'drop it' so you wouldn't have to meet to find out he is a goof. You would have known he was capable if you had spoken to him longer. Deep down, when you look back, you saw the signs didn't ya?"

Just world theory in its full glory. http://www.scu.edu/ethics/publications/iie/v3n2/justworld.html

That isn't blaming the poster. That's realizing that poster most likely isn't blameless - though I'll grant came4u was extremely harsh about it. And two posters out of an entire thread and you're going to condemn everyone who posted?

Quite frankly, I think the OP needs to hear that chances are she had some part in her situation so that she can look back at warning signs and avoid them in the future. You don't help people by wrapping them in cotton. I've had bad situations. I've been physically harmed by other people during scenes and I realize that while they made bad choices so did I. Knowing that I played a part in what happened to me has helped me avoid it in the future instead of relying on everyone else.

< Message edited by AquaticSub -- 2/24/2009 1:12:52 AM >

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to talktomeplease)

Post #: 29

RE: If one has a bad experience with someone from here... - 2/24/2009 1:11:33 AM

talktomeplease

Posts: 21
Joined: 8/1/2008
Status: offline

An "entire" two page thread? :-D

Calandra and ExKat were also blaming the OP.

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Post #: 30

RE: If one has a bad experience with someone from here... - 2/24/2009 1:12:47 AM

talktomeplease

Posts: 21
Joined: 8/1/2008
Status: offline

And pray tell, where do people get the idea that the OP "mostly likely isn't blameless"? Certainly not from actual information. More like, from their wish to believe in a just world.

(in reply to talktomeplease)

Post #: 31

RE: If one has a bad experience with someone from here... - 2/24/2009 1:14:32 AM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: talktomeplease

And pray tell, where do people get the idea that the OP "mostly likely isn't blameless"? Certainly not from actual information. More like, from their wish to believe in a just world.

Reality and not an idea of justice. A just world would have a blameless victim and a easy to blame villian with no redeeming qualities. We live in an unfair and complex world. The OP has declined to provide any information as to what happened, if she was raped or if the dom used a toy on her that she didn't like but forgot to tell him she hates.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to talktomeplease)

Post #: 32

RE: If one has a bad experience with someone from here... - 2/24/2009 1:16:40 AM

talktomeplease

Posts: 21
Joined: 8/1/2008
Status: offline

The OP has declined, huh? Where did she say she declined? I must have missed that. Looks more like you're leaping to a conclusion again based on what you prefer to believe.

If you actually read the link (or really, anything about Just World Theory) you would understand that people tend to be eager to find reasons for occurences like this, even if it means blaming the victim. People tend to prefer just about anything over confronting chaos or the limits to our own control over our lives.

(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 33

RE: If one has a bad experience with someone from here... - 2/24/2009 1:17:13 AM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: talktomeplease

An "entire" two page thread? :-D

Calandra and ExKat were also blaming the OP.

Try reading. I mentioned Calandra though she didn't blame. She asked a question, which I question the merit of and then said that if the OP didn't do her homework, she can't complain. Meaning, if the OP did check into references, then Calandra would (in theory) have no issue with her.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to talktomeplease)

Post #: 34

RE: If one has a bad experience with someone from here... - 2/24/2009 1:19:27 AM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: talktomeplease

The OP has declined, huh? Where did she say she declined? I must have missed that. Looks more like you're leaping to a conclusion again based on what you prefer to believe.

If you actually read the link (or really, anything about Just World Theory) you would understand that people tend to be eager to find reasons for occurences like this, even if it means blaming the victim. People tend to prefer just about anything over confronting chaos or the limits to our own control over our lives.

She didn't say she declined, nor did I say she did when asked. I simply found my phrasing more respectful than "failed to provided the required information for a more accurate assessment of the situation".

Your theory is only that - a theory. It is not law or fact. People are also eager to be the victim and blame others for their problems.

< Message edited by AquaticSub -- 2/24/2009 1:20:24 AM >

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to talktomeplease)

Post #: 35

RE: If one has a bad experience with someone from here... - 2/24/2009 1:20:27 AM

RCdc

Posts: 8674
Status: offline

I don't believe in dishing out blame. I do believe in accepting responsibility. The OP needs to do that, not post a persons name and attempt to black list them by hearsay on some godawful website as you suggested. It is both immature and unproductive.

IF the OP has been abused, then she should or should of reported it to the authorities. If you cannot do that, then a person has no business in attempting to destroy another persons integrity on a website. Apart from the obvious malicious intent, doing something such as you suggested places the OP in danger - how do you 'know' that the man this OP is speaking about - if he did disrespect her limits - how do you 'know' that he doesn't know where she lived and decided to take it out on her if he is outted in any way? How about taking her to court for defamation? Where does your suggestion of posting his identity on some crass gossip website help her, other than place her in a awkward and possible dangerous position and/or maybe five minutes of feelgood?

the.dark.

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love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

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Post #: 36

RE: If one has a bad experience with someone from here... - 2/24/2009 1:21:15 AM

Sexycelticlady

Posts: 112
Joined: 7/20/2008
Status: offline

There are always two sides to every story and personal responsibility should be taken for your own part in what happened before you can scream abuse. What I do find sad is that there are some people out there who do take advantage, especially when a person is new to the scene. I had a bad experience with my first time in bdsm, from my perspective and I recognised it was my perspective and not necesarily everyone's (not much was done to me and I was not harmed, but I safeworded about 7 times and the play did not stop, in the end I had to beg to be allowed to leave and was terrified). My fault in this was simply I did not know what I was doing and if there were red flags I was too inexperienced to know what they were. I had been stupid, there is no compensation for stupidity. However, it became apparent a few months later that I needed help from friends after he started harrassing me online in chat rooms I was in, so I made a point of standing up to him in public (chatrooms and not on this site) and giving him the opportunity to say his side. He left me alone after refusing to admit to the moderators (who knew me in real time and asked him politely) that he had even met me and answering their questions with insults.

The reality is that no one knows who to believe when no one knows the two people who were there and if one of them cries foul. You cannot accuse a person without giving them the chance to give their perspective and in an online format people can say anything and it is rarely the objective truth. Just stay away from this person and if ever asked for a reference give your opinion as truthfully as you can.

(in reply to susie)

Post #: 37

RE: If one has a bad experience with someone from here... - 2/24/2009 1:25:29 AM

talktomeplease

Posts: 21
Joined: 8/1/2008
Status: offline

Um, Just World Theory is not "my theory". It's becoming funny that you want to make reference to it in your responses while having read nothing about it.

I indeed did read Calandra's post. I wonder whether you have actually read what I have posted. Several of your comments suggest otherwise. For example, "you're going to condemn everyone who posted". Ummm... no. I wrote that it was disappointing to see people blaming the OP. Nowhere did I state or suggest that every single person posting did so.

As for Calandra's post, yes she couched her comments in the subjunctive, but interestingly, she and many other posters do not seem to have even considered the possibility that the OP may not in fact be to blame. Calandra offers no contingencies for that.

(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 38

RE: If one has a bad experience with someone from here... - 2/24/2009 1:27:29 AM

talktomeplease

Posts: 21
Joined: 8/1/2008
Status: offline

"how do you 'know' that the man this OP is speaking about - if he did disrespect her limits - how do you 'know' that he doesn't know where she lived and decided to take it out on her if he is outted in any way"

I'm imagining saying this in a reaaally slow voice: I never said that I "knew" any such thing.

The poster asked for information. I provided some, including an option for where she can report bad behaviour if she chooses to do so.

(in reply to RCdc)

Post #: 39

RE: If one has a bad experience with someone from here... - 2/24/2009 1:32:49 AM

RCdc

Posts: 8674
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: talktomeplease

"how do you 'know' that the man this OP is speaking about - if he did disrespect her limits - how do you 'know' that he doesn't know where she lived and decided to take it out on her if he is outted in any way"

I'm imagining saying this in a reaaally slow voice: I never said that I "knew" any such thing.

The poster asked for information. I provided some, including an option for where she can report bad behaviour if she chooses to do so.

I simply turned your question/observation on your post. Your previous posts are all about some people making assumptions on one short post and you have done so yourself. Including giving her information/advice that could place her in danger - either physical or legal - by recommending a site.

The best advice someone can give another who has had their limits abused, based on such little information is report it to authorities. Not advice that either places blame nor places a person in possible danger.

the.dark.

_____________________________

RC&dc

love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to talktomeplease)

Post #: 40

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