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RE: My girlfriend/sub is having trouble climaxing.... - 2/15/2009 1:00:49 PM   
CatdeMedici


Posts: 2257
Joined: 10/20/2008
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gees Dude she isn't a circus performer--orgasms in women take work--maybe she its you and not her--ahem,
 
like LA, change your perspective before you find her in the arms of someone else-- cumming to beat the band.

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RE: My girlfriend/sub is having trouble climaxing.... - 2/15/2009 6:03:33 PM   
MissSepphora1


Posts: 669
Joined: 1/11/2008
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This reminds me terribly of a man and woman who I met at the first and only munch I went to.  There were maybe 5 of us there, and honestly no one there interested me at all.  One dom thought it was crucial to show me that all he had to do was whisper in his subs ear a command for her to cum and she would do so.  I watched in disbelief, and wondered how many times she had to fake orgasm just to boost his ego and prove to him that he was an awesome dom.  I didn't go back after that horrible show.

Me myself, I find it sad that all these women here can preach all about enjoying sex without orgasm.  If I didn't expect to climax, sex wouldn't hold near as much interest or excitement for me.  I feel sad for all you women who can't, or won't, orgasm.

(in reply to CatdeMedici)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: My girlfriend/sub is having trouble climaxing.... - 2/15/2009 11:18:38 PM   
suhlut


Posts: 622
Joined: 7/20/2007
Status: offline
K..its gonna sound harsh..

BUT... i believe that you are likely deluding yourself about your "track record"

i am a person that believes that a HUGE percentage of women.. very likely a Majority of them.. have NEVER had real orgasms... i think its an awful mistake for a woman to fake.. because then they give Men this FALSELY held ego trip. Men who think they are great in bed..will never think they need to learn or change or improve, if they ALREADY believe they are a stud
    
Women in this type of dynamic.. or the poor ones to follow.. are confronted by men who think they are great.. think they have studied and learned all there is to know.. become overwhelmed by the enourmous ego.. and that only leads to..well.. MORE faking it.

To me.. it sounds like the girl You are in a relationship with now.. very likely has also faked it.. for those two times.. all because of how your ego makes her feel.. BUT.. i am betting that the reason why she hasnt faked it every time.. is because she is smart enough to know she doesnt like the times she had to fake it.

And i cant blame her.. It reminds me.. a bit of how things used to be for me.
For several years.. after becoming sexually active.. i was unable to have an orgasm.
i didn't know what it was, or how to even go about having one. And to be honest, i really thought a female orgasm.. to be fake unicorn like stories.

Sex itself.. was mildly pleasurable.. the in and out felt kinda good, in a vague kinda way, and in fact it still feels the same way now. Thrusting in and out..  merely feels mildly nice.

But.. i wouldnt EVER allow myself to pretend or fake it.. if a man wasnt doing it for me.. he certainally wasnt gonna get his ego polished by me.

Then i expereienced my very first ever orgasm, on accident. The experience wasn't at all like the orgasms i have now, but was so much more. It was a nearly heart stopping few moments where i felt like i might float out of my body, every inch of my skin alive in ways completely unbelievable... and.. well.. it scared the shit out of me.. i honestly thought i might be dying, and so i stopped the motion id been doing (female on top position) and allowed the feelings to fade away.

I later tried to re create the experience, after figuring it was an "orgasm".. but, i have never had another orgasm like that first.

After awhile, and feeling i was missing out on something so pleasurable.. i took it upon myself to start learning about ME... i touched and explored my own body.. on many many occassions.. and in one of those instances, i became determined to masturbate, and not allow myself to stop, no matter HOW long it took, till something happened. About 20 or so mins later.. something did.. and i expereinced my very first orgasm from masturbation.

In all the years since, i have done lots and lots of study of what works to pleasure my body. i tend to think women very likely also need to be as diligent in learning about their bodies and their pleasures, without needing to feel the pressure of faking an orgasm.. just to please a mans ego trip. For many many reasons, religion, how they were brought up, their parents morals,ect,  all lead to huge sexual  orgasm disfunctions. If a woman believes it to be dirty or wrong, to touch themselves, or to accept pleasure, its going to take nothing short of a miracle.. to become a healthy sexually functioning woman. i think thats sad.. but its a sad TRUTH.

So.. OP... to You i say... You need to get over yourself.. put that huge ego aside.. and drop BDSM pretences... and just talk to her. Its good that You think your not forcing the issue, but even IF you dont think you are conciously forcing the issue, if youve bragged or pointed out to her what a Sexual DYNAMO you've been in the past... those things can be subtle methods of force. If i were you.. i'd let her read my post, and then tell her that you are genuinely interested in her pleasure... and ask her for suggestions on how you can help her learn. She may say she needs to do it alone.. and thats gonna have to be fine... once a woman becomes comfortable enough to orgasm by herself in private.. it doesnt take long for her to feel confident enough to bring it to the point where you can be there to observe.

And.. oh what a lovely sight.. a woman that achieves pleasure and orgasm!!



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(in reply to Dominsideyou)
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RE: My girlfriend/sub is having trouble climaxing.... - 2/16/2009 2:14:42 AM   
antipode


Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
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quote:

Every woman I have been with has climaxed on an almost regular basis


Figure out whether those women were faking orgasms, which is not at all unusual. Then ask yourself why you are obsessing over something your lady says is not a big deal to her. There has to be a reason for her to say that, and I am not seeing you thnking about that. Possibly, since you say you "bring a woman to orgasm", and this is important to you, may not be relating to the sex act appropriately. You don't, you see, "bring a woman to orgasm", it is a sort of cooperative venture, in which both partners play their part. I would do some self-analysis, at this point, how you got here, and what the value of this type of control or power is, to you, if that is what it is.

(in reply to Dominsideyou)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: My girlfriend/sub is having trouble climaxing.... - 2/16/2009 8:39:19 AM   
Knottydad


Posts: 22
Joined: 1/3/2008
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quote:

You don't, you see, "bring a woman to orgasm", it is a sort of cooperative venture, in which both partners play their part. I would do some self-analysis, at this point, how you got here, and what the value of this type of control or power is, to you, if that is what it is.

That's absolutely right. I do feel that the OP might have one or more discussions with his partner/sub.
But I believe SHE has to make a move towards learning how to orgasm, if she feels like it. What if she doesn't want / doesn't feel the need, to have an orgasm ?? You, OP, will have wasted time, energy and thoughts on something useless. And both of you will end up disappointed. But if she does live with it, all right, and just forget about this and start to have, once again, sex for the pleasure of sex, and not disappointing-sex-to-give-her-the-orgasm-she-doesn't-care-about anymore.

Last thought :
quote:

The times that I've had difficulties reaching orgasm during sex is when my partner doesn't take the time to find out what I like and apply it.  In my experience, men generally don't care, or if they do, it's only superficial... they don't want to put the effort into learning.  If they do make any effort, it's usually along the lines of trying to figure out what is wrong with me... instead of realizing it may be what they are doing wrong.

I cant' agree with you TreasureKY, on this one. Maybe your partner(s) are or were not perfect, but... did you really expect them to guess what you like ?? Discovering what you like without any form of discussion or expression or exchange, being moans or groans or anything, might take ages ! Unless he really doesn't care ??



(in reply to antipode)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: My girlfriend/sub is having trouble climaxing.... - 2/16/2009 8:51:05 AM   
TreasureKY


Posts: 3032
Joined: 4/10/2007
From: Kentucky
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Knottydad

I cant' agree with you TreasureKY, on this one. Maybe your partner(s) are or were not perfect, but... did you really expect them to guess what you like ?? Discovering what you like without any form of discussion or expression or exchange, being moans or groans or anything, might take ages ! Unless he really doesn't care ??


Sorry, but you assume much more than I wrote.  I never said anything about guessing or not having any kind of discussion or communication. 

Her communicating her needs is only half of the deal... my point was emphasizing his part:  listening, learning, and applying without judging.

And, so what if it does take ages?  


< Message edited by TreasureKY -- 2/16/2009 8:59:24 AM >

(in reply to Knottydad)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: My girlfriend/sub is having trouble climaxing.... - 2/16/2009 8:59:06 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: suhlut

K..its gonna sound harsh..

BUT... i believe that you are likely deluding yourself about your "track record"

i am a person that believes that a HUGE percentage of women.. very likely a Majority of them.. have NEVER had real orgasms... i think its an awful mistake for a woman to fake.. because then they give Men this FALSELY held ego trip. Men who think they are great in bed..will never think they need to learn or change or improve, if they ALREADY believe they are a stud
   
Women in this type of dynamic.. or the poor ones to follow.. are confronted by men who think they are great.. think they have studied and learned all there is to know.. become overwhelmed by the enourmous ego.. and that only leads to..well.. MORE faking it.

To me.. it sounds like the girl You are in a relationship with now.. very likely has also faked it.. for those two times.. all because of how your ego makes her feel.. BUT.. i am betting that the reason why she hasnt faked it every time.. is because she is smart enough to know she doesnt like the times she had to fake it.

And i cant blame her.. It reminds me.. a bit of how things used to be for me.
For several years.. after becoming sexually active.. i was unable to have an orgasm.
i didn't know what it was, or how to even go about having one. And to be honest, i really thought a female orgasm.. to be fake unicorn like stories.

Sex itself.. was mildly pleasurable.. the in and out felt kinda good, in a vague kinda way, and in fact it still feels the same way now. Thrusting in and out..  merely feels mildly nice.

But.. i wouldnt EVER allow myself to pretend or fake it.. if a man wasnt doing it for me.. he certainally wasnt gonna get his ego polished by me.

Then i expereienced my very first ever orgasm, on accident. The experience wasn't at all like the orgasms i have now, but was so much more. It was a nearly heart stopping few moments where i felt like i might float out of my body, every inch of my skin alive in ways completely unbelievable... and.. well.. it scared the shit out of me.. i honestly thought i might be dying, and so i stopped the motion id been doing (female on top position) and allowed the feelings to fade away.

I later tried to re create the experience, after figuring it was an "orgasm".. but, i have never had another orgasm like that first.

After awhile, and feeling i was missing out on something so pleasurable.. i took it upon myself to start learning about ME... i touched and explored my own body.. on many many occassions.. and in one of those instances, i became determined to masturbate, and not allow myself to stop, no matter HOW long it took, till something happened. About 20 or so mins later.. something did.. and i expereinced my very first orgasm from masturbation.

In all the years since, i have done lots and lots of study of what works to pleasure my body. i tend to think women very likely also need to be as diligent in learning about their bodies and their pleasures, without needing to feel the pressure of faking an orgasm.. just to please a mans ego trip. For many many reasons, religion, how they were brought up, their parents morals,ect,  all lead to huge sexual  orgasm disfunctions. If a woman believes it to be dirty or wrong, to touch themselves, or to accept pleasure, its going to take nothing short of a miracle.. to become a healthy sexually functioning woman. i think thats sad.. but its a sad TRUTH.

So.. OP... to You i say... You need to get over yourself.. put that huge ego aside.. and drop BDSM pretences... and just talk to her. Its good that You think your not forcing the issue, but even IF you dont think you are conciously forcing the issue, if youve bragged or pointed out to her what a Sexual DYNAMO you've been in the past... those things can be subtle methods of force. If i were you.. i'd let her read my post, and then tell her that you are genuinely interested in her pleasure... and ask her for suggestions on how you can help her learn. She may say she needs to do it alone.. and thats gonna have to be fine... once a woman becomes comfortable enough to orgasm by herself in private.. it doesnt take long for her to feel confident enough to bring it to the point where you can be there to observe.

And.. oh what a lovely sight.. a woman that achieves pleasure and orgasm!!




This definitely should be read by the OP. Several times.

Two relationships with men, years of occasional sex in those relationships. They had no idea I never had an orgasm. It's not a difficult thing to pretend. I didn't even know what one was until my 30's.


_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to suhlut)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: My girlfriend/sub is having trouble climaxing.... - 2/16/2009 11:05:25 AM   
RedMagic1


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suhlut, that post was phenomenal.

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- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to LaTigresse)
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RE: My girlfriend/sub is having trouble climaxing.... - 2/16/2009 11:38:02 AM   
FRSguy


Posts: 653
Joined: 9/4/2007
Status: offline
Just a quick reply.
Really could be almost anything.  Her age could be a factor.  The type of play you do may be releasing to many hormones that are counterproductive. She could be desensitized from vibrators.  She might not trust you. You could be adding on to many new experiences and not let what it is that’s going on solidify mentally before moving to the next thing. It could be that you are placing her under two much pressure to perform or you are not spending enough time with her before hand and jumping into things too quickly… foreplay can take the form of teasing and what not beforehand…. If you just enjoy yourself and not make it an issue I am sure she will catch up to you soon.  

(in reply to RedMagic1)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: My girlfriend/sub is having trouble climaxing.... - 2/16/2009 12:15:55 PM   
ranja


Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline
I think the reason why somany women do not get there is because they do not trust to show themselves to their partner in that very vulnerable state. It is quite safer for a person to block and stay in control than to let go and enjoy and show yourself in extacy; it might be considered too intimate...Maybe you are with the wrong partner...or better... maybe she is...

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Profile   Post #: 30
RE: My girlfriend/sub is having trouble climaxing.... - 2/16/2009 12:46:22 PM   
Maxwell67


Posts: 435
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline
*FR*
1.  Stop worrying about it.  I know, you say you don't but if that were really true you would not have started this thread.  I do not even know if you can stop worrying about it.  But it never hurts to say it anyway.

2. Everyone lies about sex.  Including your past partners.  Women are quite aware of how much emphasis some of us men put on 'the big O' and they are far better actors than most of us give them credit for.  If they felt it was something you needed, then they probably gave you what they could so that you could continue to feel confident.  That is how women are.. well, many of them.. dare I say most of them?

3. If she is into it, you might try orgasm control.  That way you can just deny her orgasms, since she seems not to be bothered by not having them, and make a game of it.  You simply stop concerning yourself with them at all and if she is on the edge then she can beg for release.  That way it is both fun and honest for you both, and there are no ego issues to work out.

4.  Either with or without the previous suggestion, I would also suggest that you have her masturbate for you.  Often.  She can probably get herself off (or not if you decide not to let her) much easier, and you can learn a lot by watching.  Once you have gotten comfortable with this, you can move to the next step and have her guide your hands as you recreate what you learned.  In time, perhaps you can learn to play her body like the finely tuned instrument that she is and if not, well it will at least be a good time.

5. Stop worrying about it. (The best points are worth repeating)


< Message edited by Maxwell67 -- 2/16/2009 12:47:32 PM >


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RE: My girlfriend/sub is having trouble climaxing.... - 2/16/2009 2:25:15 PM   
SailingBum


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Aside from your issues, maybe she doesn't know how to fuck you properly to help get herself off.

BadOne

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RE: My girlfriend/sub is having trouble climaxing.... - 2/16/2009 4:05:46 PM   
SomethingCatchy


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I've always had a problem with men who insist a woman has an orgasm during sex. It is almost always tied up in their own ego so they can sit around and verbally or mentally brag about it later. The truth is, a lot of women do not climax from sex alone, a lot of women have difficulty climaxing from sexual stimulation from their partner, and a lot of women don't really give a rats ass as long as the sex is satisfying in their own personal opinion.

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RE: My girlfriend/sub is having trouble climaxing.... - 2/16/2009 4:55:51 PM   
DesFIP


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From: Apple County NY
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Stop causing her performance anxiety. The more you focus on it, the more stressful sex is, the less she can relax and let go. Nothing worse than having someone say "aren't you going to cum? why haven't you?" etc. etc.

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RE: My girlfriend/sub is having trouble climaxing.... - 2/16/2009 6:21:44 PM   
HandSolo


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Dominsideyou

My interests were peaked in middle school...



Your interests were piqued in middle school.

Grammarman to the resque!


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RE: My girlfriend/sub is having trouble climaxing.... - 2/16/2009 7:16:58 PM   
lovingpet


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Check out a similar thread over in the health and safety boards.  This is my response there (copied and pasted because I am about falling over asleep, but it generally applies here as well):





I agree with most of what is already here, but would like to add another couple of ideas to the mix.  In my own experience, sometimes it is when it takes me the longest that you will have to peel me off the ceiling when I finally do have that orgasm and my partner will be rewarded with multiples and now (oh, I'm so excited about this!) squirting.  I used to just give up, but a lot of patience from my partner has made a massive difference in my responsiveness and my willingness to continue when even I am beginning to get bored.  The longer it takes me, the sweeter I know it will be once it gets there.

Another thought goes in opposite of the attempt at control mentioned in passing in an earlier post.  Perhaps, it is that she is needing some level of control placed upon her orgasm.  Since making her cum on command is clearly only going to make matters worse, maybe try delay/denial techniques.  It will also work on a psychological level that, since you are specifically telling her NOT to cum, then you are willing and desire to take all night long with her (and more perhaps ) and it may also bring out that desire in her for that dangling, yet forbidden fruit.  It is something to try.

Still seeing the ob/gyn and going from there is a good thing.  If all is well in the physical kingdom, she will be more open to the potential benefits of therapy (in my opinion, really the only major reason to even go through the physical eval given the senario).  A sex therapist can help in a more direct manner, but a regular therapist may be more apt to get to deeper things and help her work through them.  Select these professionals carefully and be willing to fire undesirable ones quickly.  She deserves the best after all!  Best wishes to you both!

lovingpet
 







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RE: My girlfriend/sub is having trouble climaxing.... - 2/16/2009 7:29:46 PM   
Maxwell67


Posts: 435
Joined: 6/29/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: lovingpet

Another thought goes in opposite of the attempt at control mentioned in passing in an earlier post.  Perhaps, it is that she is needing some level of control placed upon her orgasm.  Since making her cum on command is clearly only going to make matters worse, maybe try delay/denial techniques.  It will also work on a psychological level that, since you are specifically telling her NOT to cum, then you are willing and desire to take all night long with her (and more perhaps ) and it may also bring out that desire in her for that dangling, yet forbidden fruit.  It is something to try.

Actually the control mentioned earlier was also about denial.  In a D/s or M/s relationship, denial can make things very interesting for you both, if she is not one of those women for whom denial is just a complete turn off, that is (probably about a third of submissives do not respond well to denial at all, so be very certain she is in the other two thirds, or things may get ugly).

Oh this was copypasta from another thread.. ummm  probably then that means that the previous post lovingpet is referring to is not mine.  Not used to copypasta in CM, and I often skim posts, so I suppose it was bound to happen I would make this sort of mistake, eventually. 


< Message edited by Maxwell67 -- 2/16/2009 7:33:09 PM >


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Use your head can't you use your head? You're on Earth! There's no cure for that! - Samuel Beckett (Endgame)

(in reply to lovingpet)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: My girlfriend/sub is having trouble climaxing.... - 2/16/2009 7:39:48 PM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline
No problem.  I did not make it clear.  And actually, I was in agreement with you Maxwell.  Sometimes, it takes the pressure off if it is forbidden and makes it more enticing at the same time.  It communicates strongly about this being about the dominant's control and also his desire to play and play and play.  It has literally taken me all night before, but he would agree that it was soooo entirely worth it.  I don't fake and am actually forbidden to fake, so sometimes he takes a shot to the pride and sometimes the pay off is huge.  Anyway, time to try some sleepy time.

lovingpet 

(in reply to Maxwell67)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: My girlfriend/sub is having trouble climaxing.... - 2/16/2009 8:54:19 PM   
MissSepphora1


Posts: 669
Joined: 1/11/2008
Status: offline
I have to admit I thought about this today.  The memory of the Dom whispering in the sub's ear is HAUNTING me!

But then, I had a thought... If she is a sub, couldn't you just order her to cum, even once in a while.  I mean, I have to admit just hearing the word gives me a little tingle down my back and makes me more ready to respond.
And also, get her when she has to go to the bathroom.  Having a full bladder may help find the g-spot a little easier.

(in reply to lovingpet)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: My girlfriend/sub is having trouble climaxing.... - 2/16/2009 9:04:17 PM   
greeneyedreamer


Posts: 442
Joined: 6/20/2007
Status: offline
i would ask, does she cum from masturbating? watch her make it a kinky thing, and help her along and pay attention to her every move. if she likes it light, where there are "hot nerves" in her clit, and like other's said PAY attention, not saying you don't, but pay more attention. slow down just stroke her lightly all over her body... relax her... build up to it. and maybe DON"T let her cum... then next day tease some more too.. .different things to try...

_____________________________

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I am still learning... Michelangelo, age 87

Maybe some women weren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they are suppose to run wild until they find someone just as wild to run with. Sex and the City

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