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My girlfriend/sub is having trouble climaxing.... - 2/14/2009 9:13:44 PM

Dominsideyou

Posts: 2
Joined: 9/24/2007
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I know the subject line might make some snicker or others poke fun, but its an honest question. Being involved in the BDSM lifestyle and a general fan of sex and sexual knowledge, I have studied sex quite thoroughly. My interests were peaked in middle school and I continued to study sex, sexual health, and different sexual preferences/sexualities from text to practice. I have always, from my first girlfriend to my current, been very open sexually...which includes communication; i.e. wants, needs, likes/dislikes, etc. I have had less than 6 REAL relationships in my life (3 of them true submissives), and a number of sexual partners, subs, slaves, etc.

Having said all that, I have never had trouble bringing a woman to orgasm. Even if there was trouble, I have discussed it and overcome it somehow. Every woman I have been with has climaxed on an almost regular basis. My current LTR girlfriend/sub is having trouble climaxing with me. She has told me its not a big deal to her. I'm not so confident and I'm concerned with the potential "sexual health" of our relationship. I'd say in the last 5 months we have had sexual relations, she has only climaxed twice. I have tried numerous techniques, all discussed with her, though please do not misunderstand....I am not forcing the issue, as I know that can have a negative effect as well. She has told me she has had only had 2 partners previously but she never had any problems climaxing. She has also told me that she enjoys having sex with me the most, albeit we do more BDSM related activities then she ever has experienced in her life. Though even during vanilla relations.....no orgasm.

My apologies for the "long-windedness" of my entry. I was just wondering if any Dom(me)s or subs had any advice. I'm not sexually inexperienced, and have been told I'm a very good lover from vanilla partners, and an excellent Instructor/Dom from BDSM partners. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Post #: 1

RE: My girlfriend/sub is having trouble climaxing.... - 2/14/2009 9:16:59 PM

FelineFae

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From: i do wander everywhere...
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seek mental health. don't mean that in a bad way, just sounds like it's a mental block that troubles her. one appeal of submission is "learning to let go", this might be just exactly what she is seeking. hope this can help- feline

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(in reply to Dominsideyou)

Post #: 2

RE: My girlfriend/sub is having trouble climaxing.... - 2/14/2009 9:22:15 PM

TreasureKY

Posts: 3032
Joined: 4/10/2007
From: Kentucky
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The times that I've had difficulties reaching orgasm during sex is when my partner doesn't take the time to find out what I like and apply it. In my experience, men generally don't care, or if they do, it's only superficial... they don't want to put the effort into learning. If they do make any effort, it's usually along the lines of trying to figure out what is wrong with me... instead of realizing it may be what they are doing wrong.

Does she have any problem getting herself off? If not, find out what she does and do the same thing. Quit trying techniques that you know have worked on others and learn what techniques work for her. Of course, you already know not to make a big issue out of it.

< Message edited by TreasureKY -- 2/14/2009 9:25:12 PM >

(in reply to Dominsideyou)

Post #: 3

RE: My girlfriend/sub is having trouble climaxing.... - 2/14/2009 9:29:06 PM

Lynnxz

Posts: 4813
Joined: 10/3/2006
From: Atlanta
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Ugh, there was a thread on this earlier, and someone suggested she get surgery to snip part of her clit.

Don't stress out about it, some women just have a harder time climaxing. You making it a huge deal, is not helping, trust me. ;) Does she still enjoy sex? Great! Have fun, quit stressing.

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Post #: 4

RE: My girlfriend/sub is having trouble climaxing.... - 2/14/2009 9:43:03 PM

chainedgirl

Posts: 142
Joined: 2/5/2005
Status: offline

So much can get in the way, you have no idea. One thing that might be an issue is the fact this is LTR. She may not be aware it is an issue, often these things are subconscious. She may have concerns you will find someone else and I agree, stop stressing over it because that can add to any issues and make the situation worse.

Many women go through times when they can't climax. Its just part of nature. What else is going on in her life? Is she having family issues, children problems, work hassles? Is there a health issue? Is she concerned about people she cares about? The idea that working on a sexual issue by doing sex stuff is limited. If the cause is emotional or psychological and not related to sex at all, then you only make the issue worse.

Accept when she says its not an issue and the sex is good. Not all women need an orgasm to have a good time. The gotta have an O to make it worth while seems to be primarily a male issue.

(in reply to Lynnxz)

Post #: 5

RE: My girlfriend/sub is having trouble climaxing.... - 2/14/2009 10:11:55 PM

housemouseinoz

Posts: 83
Joined: 2/3/2009
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For myself, if the play has pain involved, then my headspace is in another place, dealing with what is happening to me. i tend to shut certain things down and switch off (best way I can describe it), so when my Dom gives me the command to come, i may have a little trouble, as my focus was elsewhere.
If it's brought back to sensual and I can re-group, then NO problem, He gives the command and i come.
However i am only 1 in a sea of many :-)

(in reply to chainedgirl)

Post #: 6

RE: My girlfriend/sub is having trouble climaxing.... - 2/15/2009 7:54:07 AM

daddysprop247

Posts: 1712
Joined: 6/24/2005
From: DC Metro area
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the best advice you can follow is to simply stop worrying about it. whether you are noticeably pressing the issue or not, eventually she will feel pressured because it's clearly something so important to you. believe it or not, many women enjoy sex and find full satisfaction in sex WITHOUT an orgasm. also, for someone who is submissive by nature (just in case this may be the case for your girl), someone focusing their pleasure in any way may cause extreme discomfort and that in itself will take away from the sexual experience.

i am a slave of 9 years...i have orgasmed maybe 5 times in those 9 years...and i do not feel that i am in any way missing out on anything or that sex is lacking for me in any way. when i was a subbie living in a vanilla world orgasms were still rare but much more common. the sex however was not at all fulfilling. for some of us, that is just the way it works.

(in reply to housemouseinoz)

Post #: 7

RE: My girlfriend/sub is having trouble climaxing.... - 2/15/2009 8:16:56 AM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: TreasureKY

The times that I've had difficulties reaching orgasm during sex is when my partner doesn't take the time to find out what I like and apply it. In my experience, men generally don't care, or if they do, it's only superficial... they don't want to put the effort into learning. If they do make any effort, it's usually along the lines of trying to figure out what is wrong with me... instead of realizing it may be what they are doing wrong.

Does she have any problem getting herself off? If not, find out what she does and do the same thing. Quit trying techniques that you know have worked on others and learn what techniques work for her. Of course, you already know not to make a big issue out of it.

Right here. The best advice you are going to get.

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(in reply to TreasureKY)

Post #: 8

RE: My girlfriend/sub is having trouble climaxing.... - 2/15/2009 8:17:18 AM

IvyMorgan

Posts: 729
Joined: 7/5/2007
From: Midlands, UK
Status: offline

Orgasm really is optional when it comes to enjoying sex. I have never had an orgasm whilst having sex. Doesn't mean I don't enjoy the sex.

I really don't orgasm very easily, again, it's no big deal, I enjoy far more other things, and, when it does work, it's nicer for the novelty of it.

If a partner of mine was focused on my orgasm, it would drive me barmy, because it's not something I could comply with. I'm far more a fan of the relationship I've had for a while now where my having an orgasm never comes up at all. Give me cuddles, I'm far more happy with those.

(in reply to daddysprop247)

Post #: 9

RE: My girlfriend/sub is having trouble climaxing.... - 2/15/2009 8:19:56 AM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Dominsideyou

Having said all that, I have never had trouble bringing a woman to orgasm. Even if there was trouble, I have discussed it and overcome it somehow.

I am not forcing the issue, as I know that can have a negative effect as well. She has told me she has had only had 2 partners previously but she never had any problems climaxing. She has also told me that she enjoys having sex with me the most, albeit we do more BDSM related activities then she ever has experienced in her life. Though even during vanilla relations.....no orgasm.

Well you covered a lot of the common things I would have asked about. I could suggest you talk to past partners who are no longer tied to you emotionally if they have any honest/hard things to say to you about your technique but from the tone of your email you seem fairly in touch with things and I doubt that is the problem.

What I find odd is you say this is your girlfriend but zero mention of her on your profile.

Perhaps she is focusing on the bdsm and is in to mental a place to relax and orgasm, long shot but there it is.

Find out what her ex partners did that she enjoyed.

Play a game and force her to direct you how to make love to her. In essense, give her permission without being obvious that she can tell you exactly what she wants.

Other than that, start hanging weights off your tongue?

(in reply to Dominsideyou)

Post #: 10

RE: My girlfriend/sub is having trouble climaxing.... - 2/15/2009 8:33:51 AM

angelikaJ

Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Dominsideyou

Having said all that, I have never had trouble bringing a woman to orgasm. Even if there was trouble, I have discussed it and overcome it somehow. Every woman I have been with has climaxed on an almost regular basis. My current LTR girlfriend/sub is having trouble climaxing with me. She has told me its not a big deal to her. I'm not so confident and I'm concerned with the potential "sexual health" of our relationship. I'd say in the last 5 months we have had sexual relations, she has only climaxed twice. I have tried numerous techniques, all discussed with her, though please do not misunderstand....I am not forcing the issue, as I know that can have a negative effect as well. She has told me she has had only had 2 partners previously but she never had any problems climaxing. She has also told me that she enjoys having sex with me the most, albeit we do more BDSM related activities then she ever has experienced in her life. Though even during vanilla relations.....no orgasm.

It may not be likely but it is possible that some of your former lovers faked it at times.

It is hard to balance frank discussion of what worked for her in the past while maintaining a no pressure attitude.
Encourage her to masturbate...first away from you and then with you...if she knows what pleases her she will be better able to inform you.

(in reply to Dominsideyou)

Post #: 11

RE: My girlfriend/sub is having trouble climaxing.... - 2/15/2009 8:46:15 AM

4u2spoil

Posts: 211
Joined: 5/1/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Dominsideyou

She has told me its not a big deal to her. I'm not so confident

Honestly, women really can enjoy sex without an orgasm. And not just "well, that was better than nothing" enjoyment.

That said, it could be that the things that worked with previous partners don't have the same effect for her. Some guys like a gentle touch, others can't stay aroused without some roughness. What works for some won't work for all.

As other people have mentioned, there could be mental or subconscious blocks as well. I'll never forget being particularly down one time. A guy who'd been able to bring me to screaming orgasms before (far beyond what I could even do for myself) couldn't do anything that would take my mind off the problem enough to enjoy sex. He wasn't doing anything wrong, my head just wasn't there.

Hormones are another possibility. There are certain times of the month when I'm super aroused all the time. Other times, not so much. During those times when I'm really aroused, it takes me 15 minutes to bring myself to orgasm. When I'm not? Can be 3 hours and multiple fantasies going inside of my head before I come close. And truthfully, at those times I sometimes fall asleep and say forget it.

(in reply to Dominsideyou)

Post #: 12

RE: My girlfriend/sub is having trouble climaxing.... - 2/15/2009 9:04:15 AM

daddysliloneds

Posts: 1351
Joined: 6/28/2006
Status: offline

if i know the goal of my partner isn't the journey, but instead is the destination, then the pressure of knowing such information doesn't allow me to mentally/physically let go as i normally would, thus, the outcome isn't always going to be what is expected of me.

(in reply to Dominsideyou)

Post #: 13

RE: My girlfriend/sub is having trouble climaxing.... - 2/15/2009 9:41:52 AM

feydeplume

Posts: 935
Joined: 12/24/2008
Status: offline

FAST REPLY

Sounds like she isnt the one having an orgasm problem. It is you that is having the problem. Get over it. Unless it is part of your dynamic and you have already spent serious time working on cumming often and on command, her orgasms are her business. You call her your girlfriend/sub, which to me indicates that the kink is spice in the bedroom. If she suddenly starts worrying why she can't cum with you, then she has an issue. Until then get your ego under control and stop projecting your issues of being the perfect lover onto her clit.

*heads off for more coffee, just to make SURE i stay edgey and mean*

< Message edited by feydeplume -- 2/15/2009 9:42:22 AM >

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Post #: 14

RE: My girlfriend/sub is having trouble climaxing.... - 2/15/2009 9:45:54 AM

IronBear

Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline

FR

You have some jolly good advice here, see a GP and ask for a referral to someone who specializes in this matter. . If all else fails contact Dr Phill I daresay he'd love to have you on his show..

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(in reply to feydeplume)

Post #: 15

RE: My girlfriend/sub is having trouble climaxing.... - 2/15/2009 9:52:38 AM

feydeplume

Posts: 935
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Sir there is a good joke on one of the other threads about "does this Dom make my butt look fat?". Just thought you might like another giggle today.

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Pretend I said something witty and laugh.

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RE: My girlfriend/sub is having trouble climaxing.... - 2/15/2009 10:18:41 AM

LovingMistress45

Posts: 271
Joined: 2/7/2009
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Having said all that, I have never had trouble bringing a woman to orgasm. Even if there was trouble, I have discussed it and overcome it somehow.

I bolded those statements because it seems this is a very big issue for you and your ego is wrapped up in it - I know that for many men both in and out of the lifestyle a woman's orgasm is seen as proof that they are good lovers and a measure of manhood. As said by several female posters already - women do not have to orgasm to enjoy sex.

If she tells you she enjoys the sex and that it is not a big deal believe her and drop it. When I say drop it I don't just mean stop talking to her about it, I mean let go for yourself as well. You're worried about the sexual health of your relationship if you continue this you will ruin it or she will fake it to please you which then makes your sex life a lie. Accept that she is comfortable enough with the relationship not to need to fake and enjoy that.

Becoming too fixated on her orgasm is not going to help anything. I was in a relationship with a man that I loved very much, he had a problem with achieving erections. He kept feeling he was somehow short changing me. I told him over and over again that what we did was very fullfilling and that I was satasified sexually with him. He couldn't let it go and believe that I did not have to have penial penetration to be satisfied eventually it did ruin the relationship, not because I wasn't satisfied but because he couldn't let it go and enjoy what we had together.

What a woman needs is often very different from what a man thinks she needs. If she says she is happy believe her.

(in reply to IronBear)

Post #: 17

RE: My girlfriend/sub is having trouble climaxing.... - 2/15/2009 10:25:00 AM

catize

Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: feydeplume

FAST REPLY

Sounds like she isnt the one having an orgasm problem. It is you that is having the problem. Get over it. Unless it is part of your dynamic and you have already spent serious time working on cumming often and on command, her orgasms are her business. You call her your girlfriend/sub, which to me indicates that the kink is spice in the bedroom. If she suddenly starts worrying why she can't cum with you, then she has an issue. Until then get your ego under control and stop projecting your issues of being the perfect lover onto her clit.

*heads off for more coffee, just to make SURE i stay edgey and mean*

A number of years ago I was in a non-kinky relationship with a man who seldom had an orgasm. It was not ED, as he was able to get and stay erect. We would fuck for hours at a time, until I was sated, sore and unable to move! Yeah, I know, what woman would complain about THAT? Heh!
Despite the fact he assured me he didn’t want to climax, it did become an ‘issue’ for me because I was feeling somehow inadequate. So I can relate to the OP’s concerns. It was not ‘right’ that I felt that way, but there it was.
To the OP: Keep the lines of communication open and attempt to stop making this about you. Performance anxiety from either partner can doom the relationship. <<<This is the voice of experience talking>

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(in reply to feydeplume)

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RE: My girlfriend/sub is having trouble climaxing.... - 2/15/2009 10:25:41 AM

RedMagic1

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Joined: 5/10/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Dominsideyou
I have never had trouble bringing a woman to orgasm.

Really? I have. I guess that's my fake non-domliness showing through again. Or... another explanation would be that my partners respect and trust me enough to tell me the truth.

Think about it. She's sub, and wants to please you. If you can't be happy unless she comes, then she's going to come, whether she comes or not, because she wants you to be happy.

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(in reply to Dominsideyou)

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RE: My girlfriend/sub is having trouble climaxing.... - 2/15/2009 10:28:27 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

She's had two orgasms. To me that means fabulous success and only leads hope for more. The fact that you're seeing this as a glass half empty/troublesome scenario is likely what's preventing you from further progress together.

Change your perspective.

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Post #: 20

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