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Self-discipline and Self -control - 2/14/2009 9:43:24 AM   
oceanwynds


Posts: 1044
Joined: 8/24/2006
Status: offline 		How do you use self-discipline and self-control in your present life? This is focus mainly on relationships within BDSM, D/s and M/s and is directed to everyone. 

These are areas that I am addressing now in regards to my submissiveness. I am not able yet to find the correct words, but I feel like I am entering a new layer of submissiveness and knowing myself. I working on accepting the dynamics of Sir's and my relationship as it truly is. The newness of being a submissive has seem to been replaced now with a desrie to submit more to his will, and not just the easy parts. The fear of giving control up has risen now, because I am seeing this as His Will and not  my fantasies or wants that need answered immediately. Though I at times seem to tumble with the fear of surrendering.

How have you dealt with this, if it is an experience you ever had?

Thank you and blessings
oceanwynds
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RE: Self-discipline and Self -control - 2/14/2009 9:47:23 AM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		He expects me to have self discipline and self control just as in the rest of my life because what good is a slave without it?

I should be a help to his life, not a burden and without self control and self discipline I'm laying it all on Master to take care of. That doesn't make his life easier. It makes it more difficult and tiresome.

(in reply to oceanwynds)
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RE: Self-discipline and Self -control - 2/14/2009 9:50:11 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		I talk to him when I'm afraid. Many times, just expressing it allays it. When it doesn't, it can be a sign that I'm being pushed too fast for me to handle.

But if I don't tell him what's going on with me, then I remove his ability to decide what to do.

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Cynical and proud of it!


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RE: Self-discipline and Self -control - 2/14/2009 11:56:08 AM   
oceanwynds


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Joined: 8/24/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

He expects me to have self discipline and self control just as in the rest of my life because what good is a slave without it?

I should be a help to his life, not a burden and without self control and self discipline I'm laying it all on Master to take care of. That doesn't make his life easier. It makes it more difficult and tiresome.



Thank you littlewonder
I am trying to become better at that. It's odd I was while married, but here is different. I think some of it could be that fear inside of losing him. Going through hubby's death trigger a lot in me, and i will just need to become more discipline in my thinking and doing.

Thanks again for responding

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RE: Self-discipline and Self -control - 2/14/2009 11:58:56 AM   
oceanwynds


Posts: 1044
Joined: 8/24/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

I talk to him when I'm afraid. Many times, just expressing it allays it. When it doesn't, it can be a sign that I'm being pushed too fast for me to handle.

But if I don't tell him what's going on with me, then I remove his ability to decide what to do.


Sir understands when I get scared. I can talk to him. Sometimes I just feel scared in letting myself be totally submissive.

Thanks for responding,  DesFip, it was appreciated.

oceanwynds

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RE: Self-discipline and Self -control - 2/14/2009 12:46:39 PM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline 		Self-control and self-discipline have never been my strong points...so the least said the better. I've got it in huge amounts in some areas and zilch in others.

I didn't have any trouble accepting how things would be because I'd known him for years before I asked him if he'd own me. I had a fair idea of what might lay ahead, though I admit that it's been  quite a bit harder than I imagined. I haven't had much *submissive* angst because I'm not submissive.

I don't have a problem with surrendering, apart from the fact that it pisses me off at times. I'm not afraid of it, I just get annoyed that I have to. I had all the assurances and knowledge to know that I was in safe, if a bit terrifying, pair of hands.

The *his will* part isn't anything that has bothered me unduly because *his will* is always directed toward MY best interests. That's often sounds terribly altruistic , but it's no skin off his nose if I ignore *his will*.........it'll be skin off MY nose.

What is it that you specifically fear about surrendering?

agirl














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RE: Self-discipline and Self -control - 2/14/2009 2:08:36 PM   
oceanwynds


Posts: 1044
Joined: 8/24/2006
Status: offline 		Thank you for responding agirl

I am not sure what i fear about surrendering but something seems to hold me back. I trust Sir and am at times at awe that he knows me as well as he does. He is fantastic. Maybe surrendering, I am scared of losing me? I think that can be a part of it. Lossing control, though Sir doesnt want to micromanage my life, just sounds odd to me. For the last 8 years most things landed on my shoulders and I had to take care of it. These things, making sure hubby was being taken care of  during his illness, my um in losing her father, and changes in her life, moving to make sure hubby could spend the remaining months of his life in a better place health wise, taking care of the funeral, supporting myself and so on were all under my control. I also control  making phone calls, the appointments, the schedules.etc. and now i have no control in this relationship. I am scared of who i will become. Will i be safe? These are just some thoughts going through my head.

oceanwynds

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RE: Self-discipline and Self -control - 2/14/2009 2:13:53 PM   
MMagic


Posts: 183
Joined: 2/9/2009
Status: offline 		I'm right there with ya sister.  It's like you pulled this right out of my head. And I'm brand new to all of this, just imagine the fear I'm feeling.

quote:

ORIGINAL: oceanwynds

Thank you for responding agirl

I am not sure what i fear about surrendering but something seems to hold me back. I trust Sir and am at times at awe that he knows me as well as he does. He is fantastic. Maybe surrendering, I am scared of losing me? I think that can be a part of it. Lossing control, though Sir doesnt want to micromanage my life, just sounds odd to me. For the last 8 years most things landed on my shoulders and I had to take care of it. These things, making sure hubby was being taken care of  during his illness, my um in losing her father, and changes in her life, moving to make sure hubby could spend the remaining months of his life in a better place health wise, taking care of the funeral, supporting myself and so on were all under my control. I also control  making phone calls, the appointments, the schedules.etc. and now i have no control in this relationship. I am scared of who i will become. Will i be safe? These are just some thoughts going through my head.

oceanwynds


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RE: Self-discipline and Self -control - 2/14/2009 2:25:38 PM   
oceanwynds


Posts: 1044
Joined: 8/24/2006
Status: offline 		Thank You Magic for responding.
I bet you are having feelings of fears. How are you disciplining and controling yourself so you can handle these fears better?

Sometimes I wonder if this old girl can learn, but i don't know how to give up
blessings
oceanwynds

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RE: Self-discipline and Self -control - 2/14/2009 6:36:43 PM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline 		  You know ...... you can let go and you won't disappear. If you like it , you can stay , if you don't you will STILL be able to come up for air.

You'll still be the same person , with all your strengths.

agirl


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RE: Self-discipline and Self -control - 2/14/2009 6:48:43 PM   
oceanwynds


Posts: 1044
Joined: 8/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: agirl

  You know ...... you can let go and you won't disappear. If you like it , you can stay , if you don't you will STILL be able to come up for air.

You'll still be the same person , with all your strengths.

agirl




i never had it explain so simply and understandably. i dont want to disappear. Nice to know i wont

Thank you so much

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RE: Self-discipline and Self -control - 2/14/2009 7:27:52 PM   
Huntertn


Posts: 715
Joined: 10/7/2006
Status: offline 		All I really know  is your strong with them than without them..Thats kinda the point I think when you break it all down.No matter who is stronger..and who needs what...Huntertn

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RE: Self-discipline and Self -control - 2/14/2009 7:33:45 PM   
oceanwynds


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Joined: 8/24/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Huntertn

All I really know  is your strong with them than without them..Thats kinda the point I think when you break it all down.No matter who is stronger..and who needs what...Huntertn


I agree I am stronger with him, but Huntertn, during times that I am not how do I become in more control of my emotions? How do i discipline myself to not go over that edge of neediness and fears of not being able to make it? I know I do and have made it, but looking for some ideas on how to keep myself balance. Sir cant always tend to my needs and he needs a strong sub who can take care of herself.

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RE: Self-discipline and Self -control - 2/14/2009 7:51:57 PM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		With a lot of areas of my life I deal with powerful emotions.  They range all over and there is little rhyme or reason.  Some underlying things that cause this are just now surfacing, but in the meantime I have learned something that has been quite handy.  Feelings are just feelings.  They change.  They pass.  If you don't like what is at your door today, wait it out and something new will eventually arrive.  That being said, I have had bad emotions hang around and at such intensity that I really felt paniced and like there was something more I needed to do to intervene.  My attempts failed (gotta love hormones vs meds and the like).  I have no choice, but to ride them out.  I have learned to flow with them, feel them utterly and completely (good and bad), and accept the next wave that comes.  It is a very fluid process.  I am stronger for having learned it. 

I also know that it helps greatly to have people around me with whom I can be weak, vulnerable, and brutally honest.  These rare few people in one's life are precious and we devalue them when we do not trust them at the times we need them most.  I spent a lot of time on my own hacking my way through life like you did.  I also came to be in a very loving relationship where I knew I was safe to fall apart sometimes.  I could let go of some responsibilities that were really more than I could bear.  Sometimes I can do it gracefully, but not always.  It is hard making the shift.  Having to make that transition and someone to share those things with is also how it comes to pass that you really realize what it is you have in this very special person in your life.  He wants ALL of you, not just the spiffy shiny parts.  He wants the broken, rough, ugly pieces too.  You are a lucky girl!

lovingpet 

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RE: Self-discipline and Self -control - 2/14/2009 7:52:26 PM   
feydeplume


Posts: 935
Joined: 12/24/2008
Status: offline 		First you give in to the neediness and the fears. Face them and see what they really are. take one at a time and really look at where the needs come from and where they lead. Look at the fears and see if they are really yours or just what you have been taught to fear.

you WILL make it and you will be you, just more so.


_____________________________

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If it has testicle or tires, it's gonna give you the fidgets.
Pretend I said something witty and laugh.

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RE: Self-discipline and Self -control - 2/14/2009 8:02:08 PM   
oceanwynds


Posts: 1044
Joined: 8/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

That being said, I have had bad emotions hang around and at such intensity that I really felt paniced and like there was something more I needed to do to intervene.  My attempts failed (gotta love hormones vs meds and the like).  I have no choice, but to ride them out.  I have learned to flow with them, feel them utterly and completely (good and bad), and accept the next wave that comes.  It is a very fluid process.  I am stronger for having learned it. 


Thank you lovingpet. You know my daughter made a comment to me awhile ago, and this paragraph brought it to mind. I was misdiagnosed as bipolar, and the last 2 yrs I have been without any meds. She told me being medicated for so long, that I have forgotten how to deal with emotions without taking a pill. Perhaps this is part of it too, that is going on with me. Thank you for speaking about riding out these feelings, and not letting them take me into fear of getting ill again.

Yes I am lucky to found a great friend and teacher in Sir.

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RE: Self-discipline and Self -control - 2/14/2009 8:03:12 PM   
oceanwynds


Posts: 1044
Joined: 8/24/2006
Status: offline 		This is really good advice thank you so much. I guess i just need to be alright with how i feel instead of resist it.

blessings and thanks again
oceanwynds

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RE: Self-discipline and Self -control - 2/14/2009 8:05:38 PM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		Feeling emotions like a normal person again is sooo scary and sooo worth it!  Enjoy the ride!  I do!

lovingpet

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RE: Self-discipline and Self -control - 2/14/2009 8:05:58 PM   
feydeplume


Posts: 935
Joined: 12/24/2008
Status: offline 		Something my father used to say to me that has stuck and proved true way too many times to count:

What you resist you become.

Do you want to be your fears or do you want to embrace your dreams?


_____________________________

Wait! Are those my pants?
If it has testicle or tires, it's gonna give you the fidgets.
Pretend I said something witty and laugh.

(in reply to oceanwynds)
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RE: Self-discipline and Self -control - 2/14/2009 8:08:46 PM   
oceanwynds


Posts: 1044
Joined: 8/24/2006
Status: offline 		Loving and Fey
I am blessed for both of your messages tonight. I want to embrace my dreams and i will ride the waves of this journey. Thank you both so much.

Oceanwynds

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