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Romance & the BDSM Lifestyle (Valentine's Day topic) - 2/7/2009 8:50:23 AM

humbledude64

Posts: 47
Joined: 1/12/2008
From: Palm Beach Gardens, FL
Status: offline

For quite some time I've believed a BDSM lifestyle relationship was more romantic than a vanilla one. Generally, I see it as above and beyond a traditional pairing; a special subset (pun intended) of human relationships. Maybe I find it more romantic because it is inherently more taboo, more rebellious, a relationship that can be accepted and shared by a smaller audience and, hence, more intimate. I especially find the more permanent acts to be romantic-- the piercings, the tattoos, the collarings. Since I have never been in a lifestyle relationship, I really have no way to gauging if I am correct in my assumption that it is more romantic. I realize I may be putting the whole lifestyle thing on a pedestal. I also realize this may be like discussing art-- all in the eye of the beholder. Oh, well. At least I thought this would make a good Valentine's Day topic. So please give me your thoughts on romance and the lifestyle. Thanks in advance! (Now discuss!) P.S.-- I, because I found it interesting, have included the definition of "romantic" below (from webster.com): 1: consisting of or resembling a romance2: having no basis in fact : see imaginary3: impractical in conception or plan : see visionary4 a: marked by the imaginative or emotional appeal of what is heroic, adventurous, remote, mysterious, or idealized b.often capitalized : of, relating to, or having the characteristics of romanticism c: of or relating to music of the 19th century characterized by an emphasis on subjective emotional qualities and freedom of form ; also : of or relating to a composer of this music5 a: having an inclination for romance: responsive to the appeal of what is idealized, heroic, or adventurous b: marked by expressions of love or affection c: conducive to or suitable for lovemaking6: of, relating to, or constituting the part of the hero especially in a light comedy

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RE: Romance & the BDSM Lifestyle (Valentine's Day topic) - 2/7/2009 9:03:30 AM

LuckyAlbatross

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quote:

ORIGINAL: humbledude64
Maybe I find it more romantic because it is inherently more taboo, more rebellious, a relationship that can be accepted and shared by a smaller audience and, hence, more intimate

Except that it isn't.

There is nothing more or less romantic to be found in Ds relationships in general than non Ds relationships.

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(in reply to humbledude64)

Post #: 2

RE: Romance & the BDSM Lifestyle (Valentine's Day topic) - 2/7/2009 9:10:03 AM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

quote:

For quite some time I've believed a BDSM lifestyle relationship was more romantic than a vanilla one.

I don't believe that. Perhaps your bdsm partners are more romantic than your vanilla partners? For me, it's been the exact opposite, my vanilla partners have been more romantic.

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Post #: 3

RE: Romance & the BDSM Lifestyle (Valentine's Day topic) - 2/7/2009 9:14:09 AM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
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Neither is more or less romantic. It's not the "lifestyle" that makes a relationship more or less..it's the people involved and their caring and love towards one another.

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 4

RE: Romance & the BDSM Lifestyle (Valentine's Day topic) - 2/7/2009 9:19:48 AM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
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Well, is a foot rub romantic? If so, I will have to change my answer.

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Post #: 5

RE: Romance & the BDSM Lifestyle (Valentine's Day topic) - 2/7/2009 9:36:58 AM

peppermint

Posts: 5175
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
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I've never considered a BDSM relationship as more of anything. It's not more romantic. It's not closer. It doesn't hurt more when there is a break up. It's a relationship in which people invest something of themselves in the hope of fulfilling some need...just as in a vanilla relationship.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 6

RE: Romance & the BDSM Lifestyle (Valentine's Day topic) - 2/7/2009 10:01:45 AM

ThatDamnedPanda

Posts: 6060
Joined: 1/26/2009
Status: offline

quote:

Since I have never been in a lifestyle relationship, I really have no way to gauging if I am correct in my assumption that it is more romantic. I realize I may be putting the whole lifestyle thing on a pedestal. I also realize this may be like discussing art-- all in the eye of the beholder.

You've definitely got ahold of something valid here, but you also seem to understand that it's not necessarily a universal truth. Like any other type of relationship, the personality of a D/s relationship is a product of whatever the individuals in that relationship make of it.

In my experience and opinion, a lifestyle D/s relationship is the most romantic relationship imaginable. But not necessarily for the reasons you suggested. For me, the romance of BDSM comes primarily from the bottomless sacrifices I make for my lover's pleasure, her unlimited acceptance of me and of my surrender to her, and the unconditional devotion with which we regard each other. To me, that's the absolute essence of romance right there.

I think that another reason I associate BDSM with deeper romance is that all of my relationships have had a very strong power exchange component as a fundamental element of the relationship - I gravitate toward 24/7 ownership-based relationships, with standing rules and protocols by which I am expected to abide at all times, without fail. And, I typically spend a great deal of my time in these relationships under some form of direct control, usually some variety of bondage or confinement. The nature of that dynamic is such that both parties must necessarily pay a great deal of attention to each other at all times, to the point where the two of us become almost psychically connected. To me, that level of connection and wordless communication is the most romantic dynamic imaginable between two people. My ex would often not allow me to speak for an entire day, sometimes longer, and the experience of being able to spend the better part of a whole weekend in the almost constant presence of someone you love, never speaking a single word, and still the two of you know exactly what's going on with the other one - what they're thinking, what they're feeling, what they need - almost the entire time is one of the most romantic things I can even imagine. For two people to know each other that well, to love each other and trust each other well enough that they can still communicate like that, well... what could be more romantic than that? Nothing I've ever heard of.

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(in reply to humbledude64)

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RE: Romance & the BDSM Lifestyle (Valentine's Day topic) - 2/7/2009 10:22:02 AM

oceanwynds

Posts: 1044
Joined: 8/24/2006
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There is a fine line of romance that weaves through our Ds relationship, but it is not the bases of our relationship.

(in reply to ThatDamnedPanda)

Post #: 8

RE: Romance & the BDSM Lifestyle (Valentine's Day topic) - 2/7/2009 12:14:12 PM

SomethingCatchy

Posts: 796
Joined: 7/29/2008
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Romance in D/s relationships? I don't find Dominance and submission romantic at all. The way he treats me outside of the kinky relationship is a different story. Doting on me because he feels that's how a man should treat a woman he's in love with is incredibly romantic. Flowers, candy he knows I enjoy, cards, notes left around the house. That has nothing to do with either of our BDSM interests.

(in reply to oceanwynds)

Post #: 9

RE: Romance & the BDSM Lifestyle (Valentine's Day topic) - 2/7/2009 12:20:57 PM

CallaFirestormBW

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Joined: 6/29/2008
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It depends completely on the individuals involved and what their goals for the relationship are. For myself, I am absolutely not a romantic, and romance isn't part of the way that I interact in either my poly family or in my bdsm/fetish activities, so for me, the premise of the OP is completely off the mark for where I am headed.

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(in reply to SomethingCatchy)

Post #: 10

RE: Romance & the BDSM Lifestyle (Valentine's Day topic) - 2/7/2009 4:14:49 PM

kiwisub12

Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline

My Sir thinks he is not romantic because he doesn't remember market-driven holidays (such as Valentines Day).

I beg to disagree. Yes, he doesn't remember holidays and birthdays. BUT -

he loves to cuddle me in the mornings.
he loves to pinch, kiss, pull my rings, generally mess with my body - thereby showing how much he loves it.
he never lets a chance go by to pick on me.
he always compliaments my cooking.
he takes my preferences into consideration re. temperature.

- in other words - he shows me in many ways that he loves me, considers my preferences and wants me to be happy. That is the most romantic thing i have ever experienced.

If i had my druthers, i would much prefer my relationship than a Valentines card.

Of course - both would be nice.

(in reply to CallaFirestormBW)

Post #: 11

RE: Romance & the BDSM Lifestyle (Valentine's Day topic) - 2/7/2009 4:27:09 PM

JustDarkness

Posts: 1461
Joined: 7/25/2008
Status: offline

I dislike valentines day. If you care about some one you can show it more often...outside or inside the lifestyle.

(in reply to kiwisub12)

Post #: 12

RE: Romance & the BDSM Lifestyle (Valentine's Day topic) - 2/7/2009 5:08:24 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Mine is romantic because he is romantic. I'm a cynic, myself. However I don't identify as rebellious, taboo, dark or any of that. And body modifications are a hard limit.

It isn't heroic, adventurous, mysterious, remote or any of the rest of the list. It's just us, loving each other and doing what it right for us, for the relationship and for the family.

Oh and for Valentine's we are driving six hours up to see his oldest and buy him his first legal drink. Because for us, putting an um first is what is right, and you are only 21 once.

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Post #: 13

RE: Romance & the BDSM Lifestyle (Valentine's Day topic) - 2/7/2009 5:17:23 PM

Aileen1968

Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

Well, is a foot rub romantic? If so, I will have to change my answer.

According to Pulp Fiction it is...

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Post #: 14

RE: Romance & the BDSM Lifestyle (Valentine's Day topic) - 2/7/2009 5:23:33 PM

AcademyForSlaves

Posts: 712
Joined: 2/24/2006
Status: offline

Hi.

I like Valentine's Day in bdsm because I can be more demanding than vanilla women. I like to tell a slave to give me a foot massage or show that he loves me by kissing my feet or bathe me and he'll cook dinner for me too. Not many vanilla guys might do that for Valentine's Day. Plus I can demand these every day. hee hee

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(in reply to humbledude64)

Post #: 15

RE: Romance & the BDSM Lifestyle (Valentine's Day topic) - 2/7/2009 5:23:55 PM

littlecubsub

Posts: 10
Joined: 1/13/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kiwisub12

My Sir thinks he is not romantic because he doesn't remember market-driven holidays (such as Valentines Day).

I beg to disagree. Yes, he doesn't remember holidays and birthdays. BUT -

he loves to cuddle me in the mornings.
he loves to pinch, kiss, pull my rings, generally mess with my body - thereby showing how much he loves it.
he never lets a chance go by to pick on me.
he always compliaments my cooking.
he takes my preferences into consideration re. temperature.

- in other words - he shows me in many ways that he loves me, considers my preferences and wants me to be happy. That is the most romantic thing i have ever experienced.

If i had my druthers, i would much prefer my relationship than a Valentines card.

Of course - both would be nice.

This sums it up beautifully. It's the little things done and said daily that show the romance IMO. I am also fortunate that Master remembers these holidays and birthdays,
as today he decided that my birthday will be celebrated on the day (Valentines) and Valentines day will be at some later date so that each can be seperate. That to me is romance.

(in reply to kiwisub12)

Post #: 16

RE: Romance & the BDSM Lifestyle (Valentine's Day topic) - 2/7/2009 6:00:51 PM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: humbledude64

Since I have never been in a lifestyle relationship, I really have no way to gauging if I am correct in my assumption that it is more romantic. I realize I may be putting the whole lifestyle thing on a pedestal. I also realize this may be like discussing art-- all in the eye of the beholder.

It just might be that being in a lifestyle relationship will be more romantic for you.. it might be it isn't. How it works for you has no affect on how it is for others. It is indeed all in the eye of the beholder. For me.. it has nothing to do with the lifestyle I live but the person I am in love with. I have had other lifestyle relationships But it is the two relationships I am in with Alandra and Kyra that makes this art absolutely beautiful to me each and every day and not the lifestyle we live.

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Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to humbledude64)

Post #: 17

RE: Romance & the BDSM Lifestyle (Valentine's Day topic) - 2/7/2009 7:58:24 PM

sm12630

Posts: 3
Joined: 1/29/2009
Status: offline

personally because of the trust i put into my lifestyle relationships it seems more romantic to me because there is a very strong bond but its not the BDSM its self that makes it that way its what i give to it and what my partner gives to it.

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 18

RE: Romance & the BDSM Lifestyle (Valentine's Day topic) - 2/7/2009 11:49:08 PM

Vendaval

Posts: 10297
Joined: 1/15/2005
Status: offline

I do not think that Kink is more or less romantic than vanilla. The amount of romance depends on the preferences and perceptions of the persons involved.

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great day, I will tease you all the same."
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(in reply to humbledude64)

Post #: 19

RE: Romance & the BDSM Lifestyle (Valentine's Day topic) - 2/8/2009 1:14:43 AM

humbledude64

Posts: 47
Joined: 1/12/2008
From: Palm Beach Gardens, FL
Status: offline

Thanks for your responses.

And the correct answer is....

Oh, yeah. There is no correct answer.

I did have an additional thought. Perhaps I think of a D/s relationship as more romantic for I think it would make ME more romantic-- paying more attention to my partner & Her needs. Maybe it's been me all along. <hand on forehead--swooning>

"The fault, Dear Brutus, lies not in our stars, but in ourselves, that we are underlings."--Shakespeare

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"The greatest gift you can give is your true self."-- Fred Rogers

(in reply to Vendaval)

Post #: 20

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