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RE: I love you / need you more. - 1/16/2009 8:52:56 AM

akisha

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I think the amount you love someone changes constantly, for both or all parties. Some days I wish he'd just go away, other days I can't imagine my life with out him. I think you fall in and out of love with your partner(s) all the time. Not saying I don't always love him

, just some days or some hours I'm not in love with him.

Something my mom said when i was younger makes alot of sense atleast to me.

Divorce happens when both parties fall out of love with each other at the same time, because you need atleast one of you that wants to work at it and stay together.

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RE: I love you / need you more. - 1/16/2009 9:06:31 AM

missturbation

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Spank you for all your replies so far

I'm still thinking on it so for once have nothing to say

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Post #: 22

RE: I love you / need you more. - 1/16/2009 10:02:02 AM

hardbodysub

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The love you feel is like a snowflake. Everyone's is just a little different, even though they are in some ways alike. Some are bigger than others, and the crystalline patterns differ. But they're all made out of the same substance and process.

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Post #: 23

RE: I love you / need you more. - 1/16/2009 11:04:27 AM

FRSguy

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I really think that the amount of love changes over time and the feeling of love itself is somewhat redefined over the length of a relationship so its always changing. You can never really tell for the most part if someone love you as much as you love them making it kind of a risk to a degree… there is a tendency of wondering if your not putting yourself out for someone that is not really doing the same which under some circumstances can make you wonder if your not just being used especially during the times of stress such as financial problems.

I really don’t think that men and woman interpret the feeling of love the same way. After two teenage daughters and two teenage sons plus seeing myself evolve when it comes to love I usually don’t see men reacting the same way to it as woman do for the most part. I sometimes see woman searching for something in the man expecting to see the same emotion interpreted the same way and often it just isn’t there the way they want to find it which I think can really fuel a woman insecurities because some women keep searching for it within the man when what they are looking for simply is not there because it takes on a different form. I think the opposite is true as well where a man expects a certain reaction and gets something totally different because of the different perspectives and then interprets it as a lack of dedication and love.

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Post #: 24

RE: I love you / need you more. - 1/16/2009 1:14:21 PM

agirl

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Who , on this planet can know how much is *more*?

I've never come across a relationship that was *equal* ANYWHER

I DO need (blah blah) my owner, more than he, me.I don't see a great deal to commend him needing me *equally*...It's not something I can control or manipulate. Either the miserable old bugger thinks I'm fab , or some variant thereof.

Anyone that's been making dances with humans knows that no-one cares to the same degree. I would wonder who'd expect them to?

agirl

I

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Post #: 25

RE: I love you / need you more. - 1/16/2009 2:12:52 PM

BondageBarbieX

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We love each other equally and I would not be with someone who did not reciprocate love towards me.I have seen Doms that have been with subs a long time but keep them at arms length or build walls...it's sad

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Post #: 26

RE: I love you / need you more. - 1/16/2009 8:30:25 PM

Jeptha

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From: Portland, Oregon
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam

I think what's harmful is to equate love with need. I love several people. I am blessed to have them in my life. I would miss them terribly if they were gone and would mourn their absence. But, I don't need them. Needing a person turns love, in my experience, into negative attachment where it then becomes codependent. It becomes a way to define our sense of self worth based on how much the other person loves/needs us. This has never led to anything healthy in my observations. Basing our self worth on the feelings and actions of others is a doomsday device, for, eventually (even if just for a short while), they will not love or need us as much as we love or need them and then we start to question why we're not good enough.

Master Fire

A very sober perspective!
It is easy to feel desire, love, longing, craving, etc., and it's true that we do need other people in some respects, so why stop short of calling it "need" in this context?
I think for the reasons MasterFireMaam outlines above.

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Post #: 27

RE: I love you / need you more. - 1/16/2009 10:56:59 PM

MasterFireMaam

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quote:

ORIGINAL: akisha

Divorce happens when both parties fall out of love with each other at the same time, because you need atleast one of you that wants to work at it and stay together.

While I agree that divorce CAN happen because of this, it's not the only reason. You can love someone, but realize they're toxic for you and you MUST divorce in order to maintain your own mental/physical/emotional health. Also, you can love someone and they still love you, but you both realize that your lives are going in opposite directions and so you part ways, lovingly, as my second husband and I did.

Having one person who is willing to work is NOT ENOUGH to make it work AND be healthy. Staying for you reason is why there are SO many people in miserable marriages, in my opinion. For a healthy relationship between two people, BOTH must be committed to putting energy into the relationship. When someone stops, it's time to part ways. I learned this from the first marriage.

Master Fire

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Post #: 28

RE: I love you / need you more. - 1/17/2009 1:43:44 AM

allthatjaz

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quote:

ORIGINAL: TreasureKY

I'd like to know just exactly how a person might go about measuring love...

How can one measure infinity?
Its just a knowing feeling, a telepathy if you like that all is good.
Its being a part of that same unique puzzle that makes the whole thing work so harmoniously.
Its a purity and its freedom to be unconditionally happy

and I am such a romantic

My ex husband loved me with all his heart. He did everything to try and make life good but my toes never tingled, like his, when he walked through that door each evening and my heart never burst through my chest when he told me how much he loved me. More importantly sex was only a physical thing. He was never part of what was going on in my head during the act.
You can love someone without being in love with them. For some thats enough but for others its not.

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Post #: 29

RE: I love you / need you more. - 1/17/2009 1:54:33 AM

allthatjaz

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quote:

ORIGINAL: hardbodysub

In this moment, Esteban learns one of the painful lessons all who love must learn: that no perfect human love exists in the world. This admission, however, does not negate the importance of loving-i.e., the imperfection of human love does not give us license not to love.

That is only his opinion though. How do any of us really know if perfect love exists or not? If it feels perfect for both involved then thats what it is and it can last. My grandparents were married for 55 years, still held hands and declared there love for one another every day. When she died my grandad gave up the will to live and died very soon after. That was a perfect and equal love and clearly tells me that it is possible.

(in reply to hardbodysub)

Post #: 30

RE: I love you / need you more. - 1/17/2009 3:44:10 AM

SlaveIndigochild

Posts: 272
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quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation

In a relationship are all things equal?

When it comes to loving / needing someone i cannot imagine that we love / need our partners equally? Maybe he needs me more than i need him, maybe i love him more than he loves me.

More than once here in cm i have seen subs / slaves stating that they know they love / need their partners more than their partners need them. I have never seen a Dom state the same thing. I'm not saying it doesn't happen but i just haven't seen it. I also never heard it when i was dating in the nilla world either.

It leads me to wonder........
In most cases does one person love / need the other person more?
Is it a BDSM related thing?
Is it more likely for the sub / slave to be the one loving and needing their partner more?
If it is a known quantity to both partners that one loves or needs the other more is it harmful to the relationship?
Can it enhance a relationship?

hi miss T
great question.....
In theory it would depend upon attachment sryle. Those who attach securely, from chilhood, might possibly be more willing and able to say they 'love', completely and securely without wavering. Those who are resistant or avoidant, again from childhood, would feel possible either unable to say they love, avoid lovey dovey or resist romantic ties altogether. i attach ambivalently, in general, and am therefore full on and then full off. This has nothing to do in general with the dynamic i am in. However: since i am in a dynamic as part of a contract, then i waiver my rights to have MY feelings dictate how i feel. My Master holds those rights. That is not to say that i waiver the rights to SAY how i feel and i am firtunate enough to be listened to.
When i am in 'cold' mode my owner often reminds me that i am not to avois eye contact and be rejecting of Him.
I am SO ambivalent though that my love/don'y love swings hold the power to destroy even the best of both my and His intentions. (Perhaps you have read some of this but for the original experimental observations google Stranger in a Strange Situation and anything on Attachment Style....it truly fascinates me).
Indi x
PS Equality is just a construct......

< Message edited by SlaveIndigochild -- 1/17/2009 3:45:03 AM >

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Post #: 31

RE: I love you / need you more. - 1/17/2009 7:50:41 AM

NuevaVida

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quote:

ORIGINAL: TreasureKY

I'd like to know just exactly how a person might go about measuring love...

Bingo. I think people love each other differently. Whether it is more or less is not for me to decide.

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Post #: 32

RE: I love you / need you more. - 1/17/2009 8:00:48 AM

kiwisub12

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Joined: 1/11/2006
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My Sir and i looked at the inequitable/equitable relationship a little differently. I was ashamed because i felt as if i was getting more out of the relationship than him.

He felt that he was taking advantage of me.

Seems to me that we are in a very equal relationship, if we both think we are getting the better "half" of the deal.

(in reply to NuevaVida)

Post #: 33

RE: I love you / need you more. - 1/17/2009 8:44:57 AM

KnightofMists

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Joined: 7/29/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation

It leads me to wonder........
In most cases does one person love / need the other person more?
Is it a BDSM related thing?
Is it more likely for the sub / slave to be the one loving and needing their partner more?
If it is a known quantity to both partners that one loves or needs the other more is it harmful to the relationship?
Can it enhance a relationship?

These things have never been a consideration in my family. Alandra, Kyra and I where just talking about this thread and find the questions to be rather unimportant to us and our relationship. We have never concerned ourseles with equality or who loves/needs one more. As Alandra stated "It's not a competition" We are in a relationship where we look to express our feelings to each other... we in a "Partnerhship". We desire to know that all of us are loved and wanted. We each do express these things differently and we don't quantify them either. What enhances our relationship is not that one of us is loved or wanted more... but are confident that We all love and want this relationship.

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Post #: 34

RE: I love you / need you more. - 1/17/2009 8:55:13 AM

kallisto

Posts: 1185
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quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

"It's not a competition" We are in a relationship where we look to express our feelings to each other... we in a "Partnerhship". We desire to know that all of us are loved and wanted. We each do express these things differently and we don't quantify them either. What enhances our relationship is not that one of us is loved or wanted more... but are confident that We all love and want this relationship.

I think this sums it up quite nicely. Well put.

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 35

RE: I love you / need you more. - 1/17/2009 9:43:21 AM

Roselaure

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I have never seen or heard of a relationship where all things were equal. I suppose it is technically possible for a relationship to exist where all parties to it love each other equally, but I cannot imagine how one would go about quantifying it. We all love differently. I show love in the way that I do, and it is a beautiful thing when I find someone who desires to be loved in that way.

For me, BDSM is a part of that, because I show love in a submissive way, by serving and pleasing and being found to be pleasing. In vanilla relationships my partners have not "gotten" that.

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Post #: 36

RE: I love you / need you more. - 1/17/2009 9:53:17 AM

LadyLou

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To understand this, one needs to quantify love. Once you start doing that you need to ask what is love? I am sure it means different things to different people, and has many meanings and manifestations to those individuals.

I think lots of couples love unequally, not to a lesser are greater extent, just differently in different 'peaks'. To quantify each individual 'peak' within the whole is looking at it from the wrong angle. It's not so much a case of loving someone more than or less than, it's a case of love manifesting itself in different ways. Ideally, the ways they differ are complimentary.

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Post #: 37

RE: I love you / need you more. - 1/17/2009 9:53:59 AM

bethanyburke

Posts: 1
Joined: 12/15/2008
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In my own personal experience, i've discovered that in my relationships, the intensity of need and desire fluctuates. At times my need, love, desire have been greater than that of the object of my affection/obsession. At times i've been the recipient of more intensity than i have been able to process and or accept. I've had only three long term relationships, and only one of those was of the 'full monty' variety, incorporating all of my various BDSM flavours along with all the ordinary life issues. Now i am committed to a dominant man who is far different from any other person i've known and i look forward to discovering how the tides of need and desire play out with Him. Thank You for proposing such a thought provoking thread.

All the best,

bb

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Post #: 38

RE: I love you / need you more. - 1/17/2009 11:38:47 AM

NihilusZero

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In an ideal relationship (to me), both/all partners should have just as much to lose emotionally.

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Post #: 39

RE: I love you / need you more. - 1/17/2009 3:07:09 PM

SlaveIndigochild

Posts: 272
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam

quote:

ORIGINAL: akisha

Divorce happens when both parties fall out of love with each other at the same time, because you need atleast one of you that wants to work at it and stay together.

While I agree that divorce CAN happen because of this, it's not the only reason. You can love someone, but realize they're toxic for you and you MUST divorce in order to maintain your own mental/physical/emotional health. Also, you can love someone and they still love you, but you both realize that your lives are going in opposite directions and so you part ways, lovingly, as my second husband and I did.

Having one person who is willing to work is NOT ENOUGH to make it work AND be healthy. Staying for you reason is why there are SO many people in miserable marriages, in my opinion. For a healthy relationship between two people, BOTH must be committed to putting energy into the relationship. When someone stops, it's time to part ways. I learned this from the first marriage.

Master Fire

r
whilst there are a number of those who have reponded who take the view that love cannot be quantified, and i happen to agree wuth that view (sometimes no matter HOW MUCH a person contributes it is never enough, and often times giving is rejected) i do agree with what i assume you are saying....and that is that love is a function of a relationship....and the two parties, as you have described, or the three or more parties, have to be moving ultimatelt in the same direction and functioning well together. i am aware that i have often functioned lovingly and concordently in the 'hard-up' times, and in the most unrelenting of circumstances.
Somehow, in the fairweather days love becomes that emotional luxury again....the kind of take it or leave it element.
Does that make any sense?

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Post #: 40

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