He / she is just not that into you !! Or are they?? (Full Version)

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missturbation -> He / she is just not that into you !! Or are they?? (12/5/2008 9:15:00 AM)

So you have got past all the searching part and found someone or some people you want to date, build a relationship with, experiment with. You've spent time with them in a relationship / dating kind of way several times and you've had really good fun.
When you stop to look at it though you realise that all the texts / calls made were initiated by you. In fact all the dates you've had bar a couple were initiated by you. You have both spoken of things you are going to do down the line a bit, not always initiated by you and you feel you are pretty well matched.
My question would be does the fact he doesn't initiate contact, dates mean maybe he isn't really that into you?
Would you think that maybe he was just shy or thought maybe you weren't that into him?
Would you start to consider whether it was worth all the work being on one side?
 
 



DesFIP -> RE: He / she is just not that into you !! Or are they?? (12/5/2008 9:21:24 AM)

I wouldn't have gotten that far. If he hadn't been chasing me as hard as I was chasing him, I would have let it die a naturally death long before.

I'm not interested in a relationship with someone who either can't be intimate, doesn't want to be intimate, sets this fake disinterest up as a ploy to keep me insecure or any other reason. I'd stop calling, texting etc and allow him to serve for a while. And if he did come up to scratch about it, I'd leave it like that for a few weeks and then point it out to him and ask how he felt getting only the occasional response, short text back, no phone calls.

Because if he's that shy, I wouldn't see him as dominant. If he was doing it deliberately I'd think he was an ass who was more interested in roles than relationships. But I would have decided he wasn't worth that much effort in the beginning.



SingleRarity -> RE: He / she is just not that into you !! Or are they?? (12/5/2008 9:21:25 AM)

From my own experiences as a female, if the above situation had happened to me, then yes I would think that the guy wasn't that into me.  The men who were really into me, in more than a sexual way at least, pursued me with careful force.  The above situation happened more often when I was viewed as hook up material only.  I was never really a priority, but would be thrown a bone here and there to keep me interested. 

Daddy's Ballerina, e



MissIsis -> RE: He / she is just not that into you !! Or are they?? (12/5/2008 9:27:14 AM)

Yes, I would assume he was not that into me. 



leadership527 -> RE: He / she is just not that into you !! Or are they?? (12/5/2008 9:34:31 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SingleRarity
The men who were really into me, in more than a sexual way at least, pursued me with careful force.
Very well put.  I can certainly say that when I am truly interested in a woman, there isn't any guesswork about it on her part.  I am deliberate and cautious because it's important to me.  But I am also openly expressive in my desires and direct and forceful with my pursuit.



missturbation -> RE: He / she is just not that into you !! Or are they?? (12/5/2008 9:40:47 AM)

*walks away from thread mumbling*
'thats it i give up on this relationship shit, im crap at it and they suck' [:D]



RCdc -> RE: He / she is just not that into you !! Or are they?? (12/5/2008 9:40:52 AM)

If the other person is attending the dates and times you are setting up and not turning them down on a regular basis then I wouldn't automatically assume the worst.  If they are turning up for all, then it might just be because they are male (generalisation alert, but oh so true) or because they may be assuming that you have done all the hard work so far, so why bother changing?  Personally I would straight out ask them.
 
the.dark.




LadyHibiscus -> RE: He / she is just not that into you !! Or are they?? (12/5/2008 9:46:30 AM)

the dark is so smart!  (gotta love the beauty/brains combo!)

I would just flat out ask.  Men fail at hinting, so be blunt.  I'm sure you can handle that. [;)]  It could be that he is just letting you do the work, OR he could just be using you as a convenience. [>:]



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: He / she is just not that into you !! Or are they?? (12/5/2008 9:55:50 AM)

Yeah that's the obvious choice for me.  Ask "Hey, is there any reason you don't initiate?"  Males do not have it easy and many realize that it's best to wait rather than risk the stepping on toes.



SteelofUtah -> RE: He / she is just not that into you !! Or are they?? (12/5/2008 10:07:16 AM)

That is me in a Nut Shell.

I Hate the Phone, I get side tracked easily and my life is an everchanging whirl. I have so much going that I often don't think to call someone. Not To mention I HATE the phone. I can talk for hours but I usually don't initiate phone calls.

Also I am not the one to set things, I am a homebody so when someone wants to see a movie they usually have to ask me because otherwise I wanna sit at home in front of a Cup of Cocoa or a Bowl of Ice Cream and just hang out.

Miss I would say this if they are going on the dates then they want to spend time with you, enjoy that let the exclusive thing happen naturally.

I believe that anyone you meet would be into you because you are such a neat person. Hell Andi just knows ABOUT you and she likes you and really hopes one day you can make it to the states so we can all meet up.

I think you may be over thinking this so just relax and have fun

Take Care

Steel



Jeptha -> RE: He / she is just not that into you !! Or are they?? (12/5/2008 10:25:32 AM)

Where I live, people are stumbling around staring at their phones all day long it seems.
They have a more intimate relationship with their phones than I do with my dick.
I don't get that, but whatever.
I try to stay in touch, but I can easily go days without calling someone.
I'm not that driven to socialize these days, either.

What it all adds up to is - you never know.
Some people just need daily contact, others don't, so it could just be the personal rhythms (or whatever you would call it) of the people involved.

At some point I did decide to consciously make an effort to become more sociable, make contact with the occasional call or e-mail, send a card at christmas, and all that.

Maybe your (missturbation's) friend just hasn't come to that same conclusion yet.



agirl -> RE: He / she is just not that into you !! Or are they?? (12/5/2008 10:31:56 AM)

I never pursue anyone, ever. It takes quite a lot to entice me to bother with ANYONE, so they'd have to be a persistant soul.

It doesn't matter who it is, if they aren't contacting me, they're unlikely to hear from me.

agirl





SimplyMichael -> RE: He / she is just not that into you !! Or are they?? (12/5/2008 10:33:52 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation

*walks away from thread mumbling*
'thats it i give up on this relationship shit, im crap at it and they suck' [:D]


You are crap at it now but you used to REALLY suck at it and the next one is going to get better.  I am not the only one who has grown in my time on CM, you are very much a different person than when you started here woman.  And trust me, they don't suck when you start to get them even half assed right and done well they can be pretty amazing.



windchymes -> RE: He / she is just not that into you !! Or are they?? (12/5/2008 10:54:12 AM)

I used to do the same thing, doing most of the initiating in calling and meetings, and I'm talking going way back to my early 20's.  And I always found myself in "relationships" that weren't really relationships, that weren't going anywhere, and I noticed that an awful lot of men I was involving myself with seemed to disappear off the face of the earth in strange ways.  [8|]  Meaning, they suddenly because involved with home repairs, delinquent children, job-hunting because their company downsized, etc.  Which are viable excuses, but either I was the biggest jinx there was....every guy I set my sights on would suddenly experience tumultuous life crises....or, (as I realized in my epiphany) that they were really avoiding my advances and yes, sometimes, smothering.

Or, when I would be in more of a two-way relationship that I mostly orchestrated, they turned out to be bad relationships that I really should have left alone in the first place.  Kind of like, if it's not happening, maybe it's a sign and there's a reason I'm not supposed to be with him. 

These days, I do live by the "if he WANTED to call me or see me, he would" philosophy.  I see plenty of women getting phone calls from their dates/boyfriends/lovers/husbands/whatever, so why shouldn't I?   I will throw out a few bones if I sense a green light to proceed, but I absolutely will not persue anymore.  I'm alone a lot more, but I find that preferable to chasing down someone who really wants to be somewhere else.  And I know that when someone does persue me, I know it's because he really wants to, not because he simply has an offer and nothing better to do.



missturbation -> RE: He / she is just not that into you !! Or are they?? (12/5/2008 11:05:20 AM)

quote:

I believe that anyone you meet would be into you because you are such a neat person. Hell Andi just knows ABOUT you and she likes you and really hopes one day you can make it to the states so we can all meet up.

Completely off topic but i was thinking and i realised that i connect far better with Dom's from the states than i do from the UK. Go figure and how much does that suck?
 
quote:

You are crap at it now but you used to REALLY suck at it and the next one is going to get better.  I am not the only one who has grown in my time on CM, you are very much a different person than when you started here woman.  And trust me, they don't suck when you start to get them even half assed right and done well they can be pretty amazing.

I agree lol. Yeah i use to really suck, now i just suck.
I'm not sure if many will understand what i'm about to say but i feel the need to say it anyway. It has been that long since i really let anyone in, since i did the emotional side of a relationship, that i have forgotten how to do it.
It's like learning to ride your first bike except i keep falling off, probably more than most did. I'm not falling off for the same reasons every time but it's tiring riding into one minefield after another.






SirDominic -> RE: He / she is just not that into you !! Or are they?? (12/5/2008 11:10:25 AM)

Actually, the question I'm thinking is would you be happy in a relationship with this guy if you had to continue to do all the initiating? Seems his behavior gives you a pretty clear idea about his willingness/ability to initiate. So everything else being equal, how much would it bother you if you knew you would always have to initiate?



KatyLied -> RE: He / she is just not that into you !! Or are they?? (12/5/2008 11:11:24 AM)

I will not expend much effort beyond what is expended on me.  I won't chase and I tell guys who are interested in me that I will not be one of many girls chasing them.  I pretty much lay out the expectation at the beginning.  I don't do it in a mean, bratty or disrespectful way.  I honestly feel that people will respect you to the degree that you allow them to (meaning you may have to do some training on THEM!).  Translation:  You (dom) must want this as much as me (sub).  I never seem to gain much when I have to do all of the intiation.  Plus, I want to be different from the girls who chase guys.  [:)]  So a guy will definitely know I am interested, but he also has to make some of the moves and he must continue to make some of the contact once we are established.  It's his way of showing me that he thinks about me.



missturbation -> RE: He / she is just not that into you !! Or are they?? (12/5/2008 11:15:59 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SirDominic

Actually, the question I'm thinking is would you be happy in a relationship with this guy if you had to continue to do all the initiating? Seems his behavior gives you a pretty clear idea about his willingness/ability to initiate. So everything else being equal, how much would it bother you if you knew you would always have to initiate?

No it's bugging the hell out of me.
Putting my foot down though, if he wants me he knows where i am.
So there !! [:'(]



SimplyMichael -> RE: He / she is just not that into you !! Or are they?? (12/5/2008 11:16:54 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SirDominic

Actually, the question I'm thinking is would you be happy in a relationship with this guy if you had to continue to do all the initiating? Seems his behavior gives you a pretty clear idea about his willingness/ability to initiate. So everything else being equal, how much would it bother you if you knew you would always have to initiate?


FUCK THAT SHIT!  Who the hell wants to feel like an afterthought?  Clearly, different people have different needs in this regards but it is something BSB and I struggle with.  I need far more contact than she does and we struggle with finding balance, but we do.

Besides, if a guy doesn't take good care of you while courting, he sure as hell isn't going to get better at it after he has you.  (note: broad generalization, there are of course exceptions but they are exactly that, exceptions)



KatyLied -> RE: He / she is just not that into you !! Or are they?? (12/5/2008 11:17:25 AM)

quote:

And I always found myself in "relationships" that weren't really relationships, that weren't going anywhere, and I noticed that an awful lot of men I was involving myself with seemed to disappear off the face of the earth in strange ways


For anyone who is interested, this is discussed in The Rules book.  Not that I agree entirely with everything the authors say, but there is some merit and reward in allowing a man to come to you and not always being the one who initiates.  And there can also be a lot less stress/anxiety.





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