RE: He / she is just not that into you !! Or are they??

RE: He / she is just not that into you !! Or are they?? (Full Version)

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SinfulSaint -> RE: He / she is just not that into you !! Or are they?? (12/5/2008 11:30:44 AM)
OK....I must bite...Rules Book? And I still say do what makes you happy...comfy...you can't go by what others think is right..or what makes others happy. Some women/men would be O.K with what you described...others wouldn't want it..... Search yourself....and go after what you find that makes YOU happy...and content...... Just my opinion : )

theobserver -> RE: He / she is just not that into you !! Or are they?? (12/5/2008 11:36:59 AM)
Coincidentally, I wrote a post on my blog about this very subject. My sister was dealing with a scenario that screamed, "he's just not that into you." Here's what I wrote: He's Just Into Everyone Else

mc1234 -> RE: He / she is just not that into you !! Or are they?? (12/5/2008 12:07:07 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: missturbation It's like learning to ride your first bike except i keep falling off, probably more than most did. I'm not falling off for the same reasons every time but it's tiring riding into one minefield after another. I have to say, misst ... I'm at a very similar point in my life and it does suck. I don't feel like I'm making the same mistakes - reading these boards has made me paranoid enough about my own behavior for me to be able to say 'well, what did I do this time?' But I'm tired of making mistakes at all ... how many ways to screw-up do you think are even possible? lol I'm afraid of that answer ...

daddysliloneds -> RE: He / she is just not that into you !! Or are they?? (12/5/2008 12:13:53 PM)
my son never initiates contact with his woman. she makes all the calls, as well as suggestions as to what they can do together. she basically has to throw herself into his lap and is very forthright and honest in the way she feels about him, no bars held. it's a beautiful sight to behold if you knew anything about him.[:)] he's so head-over-heels for this little gal that i's unbelievable, even moreso based on his actions, or should i say in this case, based on his inactions.[sm=news.gif]he's just one of those kind of guys who although he seems self-confident on the outside to the rest of the world, is a very shy, good hearted and total opposite of the bad-boy mush. the wrong gal is always the one he initiates everything with, even though he isn't even sub-consciously aware of it, and the right gal is the one who understands him for who he is and is willing to put forth the effort to get, keep and enjoy a really good man for the long... don't ask me why or for him to explain it to you either; it just is what it is when it comes to some mens internal wiring.

CallaFirestormBW -> RE: He / she is just not that into you !! Or are they?? (12/5/2008 12:45:12 PM)
~fast reply~ I wouldn't read anything into it except "Right now, it's working this way, and if it ain't broke, why fix it?" If you want him to take some initiative, I'd say it's time to tell him so -- otherwise, don't let un-necessary resentment keep you from enjoying what seems to be something you're having a pleasant time with.

califsue -> RE: He / she is just not that into you !! Or are they?? (12/5/2008 12:47:58 PM)
missturbation... I soooooooo agree with what you say... thanks for brightening my day... quote: ORIGINAL: missturbation *walks away from thread mumbling* 'thats it i give up on this relationship shit, im crap at it and they suck' [:D]

SimplyMichael -> RE: He / she is just not that into you !! Or are they?? (12/5/2008 1:45:00 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CallaFirestormBW ~fast reply~ I wouldn't read anything into it except "Right now, it's working this way, and if it ain't broke, why fix it?" If you want him to take some initiative, I'd say it's time to tell him so -- otherwise, don't let un-necessary resentment keep you from enjoying what seems to be something you're having a pleasant time with. In some ways, this may be the wisest post in the thread. We all teach our partners how to best take care of us. Part of having good relationships is being able to clearly and lovingly explain to your partner that "if you do this for me, I will better enjoy being with you" in whatever form that may be. In my past, I would let resentment build (if she loved me she would know I needed X more) and then blow up. It was the only way I could ask to get my needs met. Learning first how to ask "If you were a good partner, you would be doing X for me more" was better than blowing up but put my partner on the defensive. Learning to say "you have no idea how happy it makes me when you do X for me" tells the loving partner what you need in a way that makes them WANT to give it to you. I remember being told "if you were a good dominant you would do X to me" and frankly, it didn't fucking go over well. My response was always, "then bitch, go be with a good one and leave me the fuck alone" which was not what she wanted to hear either. Oh the joys of dysfunction! Few people WANT shitty relationships and so if you can help someone have a better one with you, they often sieze the chance. Remembering that they are probably as frightened on the inside as you are goes a long way in helping them make the change. Not only that, doing the work with someone who sees YOU trying often draws people closer and makes the whole thing work better.

windchymes -> RE: He / she is just not that into you !! Or are they?? (12/5/2008 1:48:52 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: KatyLied quote: And I always found myself in "relationships" that weren't really relationships, that weren't going anywhere, and I noticed that an awful lot of men I was involving myself with seemed to disappear off the face of the earth in strange ways For anyone who is interested, this is discussed in The Rules book. Not that I agree entirely with everything the authors say, but there is some merit and reward in allowing a man to come to you and not always being the one who initiates. And there can also be a lot less stress/anxiety. Yeah, in general, I'm not a fan of "The Rules" book, but it is a nice feeling when a man does do the initiating. And you're right, I AM a lot less stressed out about it, lol. Basically, when having a boyfriend/relationship stopped being so important to me, I became a much happier and contented person and enjoyed my life as it was/is. And though the contacts are relatively few, when they do happen, they are nicer. And when they don't work out, I'm only sad for about 1/2 a second.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: He / she is just not that into you !! Or are they?? (12/5/2008 1:54:18 PM)
Michael nice to know you ignored all the other clear posts saying "If you're worried, ask, but probably not an issue" eye roll Miss- it sounds like you're at the typical scared place of going beyond your comfort zone and needing to take a leap of faith, something you actually rarely ever sincerely do, and something that even less often pans out well. Oh well- deal with it. You want relationships, this is what happens. If you let your own little fears of jumping turn the problem into him just not being that iniative then you only have yourself to blame. Either be honest to him and ask so you can UNDERSTAND, or let your fears fester, run to the internet boards and get tons of NON involved peoples advice and fuss and stew. See which one gets you to a better place quicker.

SimplyMichael -> RE: He / she is just not that into you !! Or are they?? (12/5/2008 2:05:04 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross Michael nice to know you ignored all the other clear posts saying "If you're worried, ask, but probably not an issue" eye roll I didn't ignore the other posts because they were, as you state, about "asking". The post I said was wise wasn't about asking, it went beyond that to discussing how to help someone better take care of us. But you still look cute rolling your eyes!

MrHarsh -> RE: He / she is just not that into you !! Or are they?? (12/5/2008 3:21:48 PM)
I have known people a few people who absolutely fail to initiate anything ... I call them "black holes", because no matter how much one invests into them, nothing ever comes out. Some people are just like that. I think that the real issue here is whether or not you are comfortable with this behavior. Can you accept it in a long term relationship? This person is demonstrating how they go about a relationship. YOU will do all the work. That's the way it's going to be. If you can accept that, then carrying on with the relationship makes sense. If you can't, it might be time to find someone that better fulfills your needs.

auburnvixen -> RE: He / she is just not that into you !! Or are they?? (12/5/2008 5:11:19 PM)
This thread really hits home right now as I am struggling with what to do about this very topic. I recently met someone here on CM after he pursued me in a low-key way for a few months via IM and email. We have seen each other a few times and have gotten along very well both in and out of the playroom. I have made it clear that I do like him and would like to keep seeing him and see what develops; I am too old to play games and act coy or uninterested or, on the other hand, to act interested if I'm not. I'd rather be honest about my level of interest, and let the chips fall where they may. However, I am assuming that he's no longer interested. Although he did initiate the IM and email contacts before we met, he doesn't do that at all now. If he says one weekend that he'd like to see me the next weekend, he waits until the very last minute to call me about plans to get together, leaving me hanging there wondering if he really meant it. I have occasionally emailed or IMd him to say "so, are we still going out?" but don't hear back right away - and this week I didn't hear from him at all (and I did not attempt to pin him down this time). Thus I went ahead and made other plans. I used to pursue men in my younger days but now I feel that if a man wants me and knows that I want him, he should be the one to take the lead. With this particular Dom, since he knows that I'd like to keep seeing him, he doesn't have to "chase" me any longer but IMO he should be initiating more contacts because (a) I'm not sure where he stands - and (b) I will not chase him. My question would be: how "proactive" should I be here? Should I force the issue by asking him straight out now, or just wait and see if/when he contacts me again, and ask him then if he intends for this to go anywhere? I'm leaning toward the latter, since he's been so reticent. I don't think he'd answer me if I ask straight out. (Then again, I'd have my answer, wouldn't I?) Edited to add: - I think he was burned in a previous relationship by a woman who led him on as to her intentions (she was after his money, not him) - but he knows that I am the complete opposite of that way of thinking. - I do not want to always be "the initiator" in a relationship. I have been giving him the benefit of the doubt because of this other woman, but perhaps the time has come to give up...?

CreativeDominant -> RE: He / she is just not that into you !! Or are they?? (12/5/2008 5:15:49 PM)
I am going to chime in with those who state that "if it ain't broke, don't fix it" but with the caveat that communication is something that is talked about a great deal on these boards...about how important it is...so communicate. Michael notes his own problem about letting resentment build and never saying anything until he blows up. A failure to communicate what he needs/wants while he can do so in a calm, assertive manner and is willing to listen to his partner. I know I have been on the receiving end of this type of attack and it is no fun. You don't have a chance to collect your thoughts and, many times, the one attacking you doesn't give you the chance to speak. So speak now...and give him the chance to speak...while you can do so in a calm and reasonable way and are willing to listen to his answers rather than wait until your resentment builds to the point that nothing he says will matter anyway. I KNOW for a fact that I have a tendency to compartmentalize and sometimes let other things...whether they be work, family, kids, bills...make me neglectful or, if not neglectful, unaware that I am shorting those things that also count in my life; relationships with friends and, yes, potential partners. I appreciate it immensely when one of these people...if they need more time with me...comes out and tells me that they need to talk to me about it. Otherwise, I am less likely to know that what I am doing is bothering them.

SlaveIndigochild -> RE: He / she is just not that into you !! Or are they?? (12/5/2008 5:37:12 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: missturbation My question would be does the fact he doesn't initiate contact, dates mean maybe he isn't really that into you? Would you think that maybe he was just shy or thought maybe you weren't that into him? Would you start to consider whether it was worth all the work being on one side? Dear Miss T Some just like to play hard to get. I've done my days chasing.....in my experience hard to get means tick any one or more of the following: 1. he/she is married 2. he/she is committed to someone else 3. he/she is bored and playing the field 4. he/she is a fantasist 5. he/she is on a business trip and living in a hotel room for the weekend 6. he/she is a narcisist and you are a projection of their ego 7. he/she thinks you are an ugly fuck and they just can't bring themselves to tell you 8. he/she is addicted to Second Life and this life doesn't count 9. he/she is a she/he 10. he/she is 20 years older or younger than their profile states 11. he/she is .........fill in the blank (you know that nagging doubt inside your head) 12. he/she is bored out of their brains and mailng you from the office in between figuring out someone's tax returns.......... Anyway i like being chased now.....then gagged and bound and punished for being hard to get myself..... number 13, 14 and 15 equired please.......

NuevaVida -> RE: He / she is just not that into you !! Or are they?? (12/5/2008 5:41:41 PM)
~ Fast Reply ~ I'm actually rather shy in this regard and am likely not to do any initiating at all. I rarely contact the man I am sorta-seeing now. He calls me daily, and I'll send an IM or a text now and again, but I figure if he wants to talk to me, he'll call. If I called every time I wanted to talk to him I'd be calling all the time. So I go about my day/life and when he wants to connect, we do. I just don't/can't put myself out there. I think for me I just need to know that someone's talking to me because he wants to, not because he feels obligated to. But I told him this up front, too, and he's fine with that. It goes back to what everyone is saying - it's not necessarily broken, and just ask him about it. Or say something like, "I noticed you don't initiate contact much, but I'm always open to it, you wouldn't be interrupting anything." I said something like that to the current man, because he would text first to see if I was busy. I told him he can call whenever, and if I'm not in a position to talk, I just don't answer the phone, or I'll answer and ask if I can call back later. He knows how busy life can get for me and didn't want to interrupt if I was working, with friends or family, or doing anything else. But once I eased his mind that it really is OK to call any time at all, the texts stopped and he became more at ease with just calling or Skype'ing whenever.

moonvine -> RE: He / she is just not that into you !! Or are they?? (12/5/2008 9:45:04 PM)
I would think he wasn't that into me. And in most cases I'd be correct, in the odd one I'd be wrong. So I'd probably have a conversation with him about it, prepared for whatever might happen.

stella41b -> RE: He / she is just not that into you !! Or are they?? (12/5/2008 10:45:57 PM)
I fall into the 'balanced contact' camp. Doesn't have to be 50/50, it can be variable, 60/40, 80/20, 20/80, but the overall conclusion remains the same, that two people like each other, need each other, want to be with each other, and ultimately love each other. And that to me is what makes a relationship.

KatyLied -> RE: He / she is just not that into you !! Or are they?? (12/6/2008 6:22:37 AM)
quote: he waits until the very last minute to call me about plans to get together, Then you should respond that you are busy and have other plans. Why should you sit around waiting for him to decide when to see you? This is the "training" part. He needs to be trained to ask earlier if he wants to see you, not at the last minute. If he wants to see you, he will learn to ask earlier. The reason he thinks it is okay to ask at the last minute is because other women have sat around waiting for him and have said yes at the last minute and he thinks it is okay behavior. quote: Thus I went ahead and made other plans. Good.

KatyLied -> RE: He / she is just not that into you !! Or are they?? (12/6/2008 6:25:13 AM)
quote: OK....I must bite...Rules Book? Here's an overview Like I said, I don't buy it all, but there is merit in some of it.

yourMissTress -> RE: He / she is just not that into you !! Or are they?? (12/6/2008 9:17:57 AM)
misst, I could be wrong, but you seem to be a rather assertive, take charge kind of woman. I can see you being the first to call or text, the one to ask for time together/dates only because you are not sitting back and waiting for him to do it first. This would put you in the position of initating most things. But as the.dark said, if he isn't turning you down, then he wants to spend time with you as well. I would be chalking up your count of initiations against his, to your level of assertiveness and patience. I don't wait, I act. If I want something, I go get it. So, for me, I am the initiate of most of the contact in a relationship (even if it's an order to call me at a certain time each day), most of the dates and time spent together. If there are more than a few "I can't make it that day/night" responses, then I move on.

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