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RE: May you discuss personal problems here - 11/8/2008 5:26:32 PM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DiurnalVampire
Too many times, someone doesnt know how to handle a situation and takes the word of those on the boards as some sort of gospel for handling it.

Not saying you're wrong, but on the other hand... how on earth could you know this? We don't often have any idea what people end up doing.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)

Post #: 21

RE: May you discuss personal problems here - 11/8/2008 5:28:18 PM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

quote:

how on earth could you know this? We don't often have any idea what people end up doing

Isn't it up to the person seeking knowledge and understanding to turn to a variety of resources and decide what is best for them? I certainly do not lose sleep thinking about what happens if someone does/doesn't take my advice.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to RedMagic1)

Post #: 22

RE: May you discuss personal problems here - 11/8/2008 6:19:23 PM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

When I see people bring thier personal issues to the forums... I am left wondering WHY.. Why did they come to the forums to seek advice, opinions and many other things. Why are they not addressing the issue with there partners? why are they not talking to close friends on the issue... what is prompting this person to bring personal issues to such an impersonal body of opinions. There is never one reason why... every situation is going to be different... but for me.. why they come is rather important in being able to give a useful answer or even if making an effort to give a useful answer is even worthwhile.

My family is not one to bring issues to the boards.. or even to share with the most intimate of friends. We deal with things internally.. find our solutions and we are often open to share these after the fact. But when our focus and effort is on an issue... our communication is with those that matter the most to us... not with those that matter the least. The opinions we seek are from those that matter the most to us and not from those that matter the least. It has served my family well to this point... I don't expect any change in the future.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 23

RE: May you discuss personal problems here - 11/8/2008 7:31:39 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

KOM, not all of us have kink minded friends. Some of us don't. We're two hours from the nearest group and wouldn't fit in with it anyway. So for something that is specifically a power relationship issue, as opposed to an ordinary relationship issue, the only group we have to ask is online.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 24

RE: May you discuss personal problems here - 11/8/2008 7:31:55 PM

OrionTheWolf

Posts: 7803
Joined: 10/11/2006
Status: offline

My dirty laundry is not aired in public. If anything I own wants to do so, they can do it as unowned property. It is not a matter of making it look perfect, it is a matter of trust and the rules that were layed down before a collar ever went on them.

_____________________________

When speaking of slaves people always tend to ignore this definition "One who is abjectly subservient to a specified person or influence."

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 25

RE: May you discuss personal problems here - 11/8/2008 7:35:26 PM

VampiresLair

Posts: 1307
Joined: 9/3/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

quote:

ORIGINAL: DiurnalVampire
Too many times, someone doesnt know how to handle a situation and takes the word of those on the boards as some sort of gospel for handling it.

Not saying you're wrong, but on the other hand... how on earth could you know this? We don't often have any idea what people end up doing.

Actually, I do have quite a few contacts who have done this. I say it because I have seen it happen alot. And if in the handful of contacts I have theres a large number it has happened with, I am pretty confident its a running issue.

DV

_____________________________

Separately we are DiurnalVampire and DVsFox

10/18 Wedding date. 1 year and still blissfully happy

10/13/10 3 year anniversary of his becoming my Fox

Talk impolitely to me, baby - Thanks sunshinemiss

(in reply to RedMagic1)

Post #: 26

RE: May you discuss personal problems here - 11/8/2008 7:43:12 PM

ThundersCry

Posts: 892
Status: offline

I have no need....to.

I share enough as it is -L-

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 27

RE: May you discuss personal problems here - 11/8/2008 8:27:31 PM

WhiplashSmile2

Posts: 526
Joined: 6/11/2008
Status: offline

I generally don't give up too many specific details about current issues or problems, just enough that is required to get feedback from other people.

Ironic as it is, I've actually had somebody make a post involving me on the message board. As soon as I read it I knew without question that it was about me. It was a little humorous to read some of the posts coming in from other members. Her and I were somewhat amazed at how far and extremely off based it got on the thread.

But seriously, it was somebody that was a friend of mine, and I was keeping things very vanilla between us. She had practically baited and thrown submission to the nth level at me as well. I just was not biting! I got compared to a fish nibbling on the bait on the end of a hook but never actually taking a bite. LOL.    It was kind of funny to read people jumping to conclusions. As if I was trying to use her for phone sex and stuff like that, when we never even went there to begin with.

I supposed 1/2 the things posted on that thread I could have taken offense to, but not really, was sort of entertaining to read the twisted directions that thread took. It took on a life of it's own. I often see this sort of happening at times in many threads people start, asking or looking for advice.

I think what is important is for somebody to read and figure out what advice applies or does not to the current situation at hand. I actually trust my girls mental reasoning in this area, and I don't have any problems if she was to pop onto the message board with an issue or problem. Ask some questions. Even for me to read the thread as well.

She just recently read one of my threads where I made a bit of a jackass out of myself with an issue. For me the issue was very troublesome and very real in my mind.   Regardless of how others precieved it, or whatever else. Not very often that I sort of have a bit of a emotional/mental melt down like that, but I did.   I'm over it now. Fessed up to my wrong doings, did not like the feelings my own actions caused within me, and well.   I had more of an issue with me, compared to what I imagined she had with me about it.   Still something to nip in the ass.   Basically, just knocked it the Hell off.   I was thinking way too much about it, and worrying way too much about it for my own good and her own good even.

Back to the question, I think the message board is a good place to get advice on things at times, it's also perhaps the worse place at times as well.   What is important, most important thing, is communication between two people in the end, not just a few posts other people make in response to a message board thread.   This is a tool to sort of let it all out, vent and share the issue with other people. Makes one stop to think a little more about the issue, and get some additional input to think and reflect upon.

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 28

RE: May you discuss personal problems here - 11/8/2008 9:05:22 PM

RainydayNE

Posts: 978
Joined: 10/21/2008
Status: offline

i like to get information from outside sources that may or may not help me figure something out
but if it's something like reeeeeally pertinent, then i ramble and whine and try to come up with the words to ask him
he's very good about talking to me about aaaabsolutely anything, which... is nice.

(in reply to oceanwynds)

Post #: 29

RE: May you discuss personal problems here - 11/9/2008 1:19:56 AM

WinsomeDefiance

Posts: 6719
Joined: 8/7/2007
Status: offline

May I, yes. Would I? No! I will share something that has happened to me in the past, if I thought it might help someone else. But, I'm always careful to be discreet. I would not air my personal and private laundry. Many times I'm shocked by the disrespect and indscretion I perceive when people share things about their Master/Mistress. If I was ever to a point that I had so little respect for someone, that I was compelled to disrespect them on a public forum, that would be the time I needed to end the relationship.

(in reply to oceanwynds)

Post #: 30

RE: May you discuss personal problems here - 11/9/2008 1:47:01 AM

FullfigRIMaam

Posts: 718
Joined: 6/21/2007
Status: offline

I wouldn't mind my submissive/slave/lover spoke of our issues to his close friends and asked advice... However, I would be annoyed if he decided to bring it here into the world wide web for all to opine on. M

_____________________________

"touching was and still is and will always be the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni
"Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence." Erich Fromm

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 31

RE: May you discuss personal problems here - 11/9/2008 2:00:57 AM

colouredin

Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline

FR

I used to bring personal stuff, here I think that actually its a good place to get advice, sometimes you need distance from the relationship to get the advice you need, i didnt ever do it without mentioning it first.

Now I dont, becuase i have grown to trust people on here less so i wouldnt feel comfy being open

_____________________________

Resident Lime(y) Tart
There would be no gossip without secrets
I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELvfMJoKDAk

(in reply to FullfigRIMaam)

Post #: 32

RE: May you discuss personal problems here - 11/9/2008 2:11:11 AM

FullfigRIMaam

Posts: 718
Joined: 6/21/2007
Status: offline

I've met people from here and made friends. While it isn't prudent to take advice from the masses, it is possible to find people who are similar to yourself and possess good judgement with whom you can exchange thoughts and share difficulties... Hopefully always after speaking with your significant other. M

_____________________________

"touching was and still is and will always be the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni
"Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence." Erich Fromm

(in reply to colouredin)

Post #: 33

RE: May you discuss personal problems here - 11/9/2008 2:19:33 AM

fragilepieces

Posts: 416
Joined: 7/6/2008
Status: offline

I doubt very much that I would post a personal problem here. I have friends who know me personally who would give much better advice simply because they know me well. If I posted a personal problem here, the advice I received might be with good intentions but based on assumptions.

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 34

RE: May you discuss personal problems here - 11/9/2008 5:46:11 AM

gypsygrl

Posts: 1471
Joined: 10/8/2005
From: new york state
Status: offline

I have had shadows (and may still)--people who follow my posts looking for evidence of wrong doing as if they're building a case against me. I try not to let it bother me, but it does make me think twice before posting something lest it unitentionally reflect poorly on me or Sir and gets used against me. Of course, thinking twice isn't all bad, so I suppose I should be a little grateful for the service.

Sir knows I post here and reads what I write. He's even encouraged me to start threads though I'm not much for thread starting. If we had a relationship issue that we kept tripping over, I don't think he'd mind if I started a thread, though I'd ask his permission first.

_____________________________

“To be happy is to be able to become aware of oneself without fright.” ~Walter Benjamin

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 35

RE: May you discuss personal problems here - 11/9/2008 6:31:43 AM

Evility

Posts: 915
Joined: 12/19/2007
Status: offline

It's possible that said dominant in question is merely exercising control in his own way. I would not draw the automatic conclusion that it's somehow an unhealthy relationship without more information. Perhaps you have not paid much attention to the kind of remarks that fly in forums like this. Anonymity emboldens the hell out of people and more often than not the responses are "kick him to the curb". There is usually thoughtful advice woven into the fabric of the thread but you have to dig through the knee jerk replies to find it. I would not pass judgment on a dominant in this scenario simply from the wording of some submissive's sig line.

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 36

RE: May you discuss personal problems here - 11/9/2008 7:05:07 AM

kiwisub12

Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline

I find most threads asking for personal help with relationships are worded such that the advice they get will be slanted one way. It leads me to believe that most people know what they should do in any given situation, but need a boot in the rear to actually do it. I think it is a comfort thing to know that X number of people think "I" should do "Y", therefore it must be the right decision.

So, i thing people that take advice from forum postings are really taking their own advice, filtered through the internet.

(in reply to Evility)

Post #: 37

RE: May you discuss personal problems here - 11/9/2008 7:40:18 AM

camille65

Posts: 5746
Joined: 7/11/2007
From: Austin Texas
Status: offline

Oh heck I'm not shy about asking for help when I'm stuck. I'm not sure if I've ever come to the forums explicitly for a relationship issue (and I'm not about to wade through all my posts to find out) but I know that I've asked for help or advice several times.

Why don't I take my questions to my owner?
Several reasons and it really depends on the questions I'm asking.
Sometimes I think its a question that I want to figure out before I go to him, he stresses that I become independent and I do like to have options before asking him.
Other times its something that I don't want to worry him about, again leaning towards figuring it out before talking to him about it.
Another reason is that I don't have any friends in the lifestyle, especially true now that I've moved to a city where I don't know a soul.

He doesn't mind my asking others for help as long as eventually I lay it all out for him. And I do, eventually I do go to him when my thoughts are organized. Due to my brain fog issues I literally need to have had time to write things out and forums are the perfect venue for that type of thought process.

If he did mind, then by all means I would not post in forums. Thankfully he is secure in his ownership of me and is fine with me bouncing around asking opinions before broaching things with him.

_____________________________

~Love your life! (It is the only one you'll get).

(in reply to kiwisub12)

Post #: 38

RE: May you discuss personal problems here - 11/9/2008 8:40:46 AM

yourMissTress

Posts: 1665
Joined: 6/14/2005
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP
I always assume that if someone isn't allowed to vent outside, get outside info, get confirmation that this is common to other people or just other subs, that what that says is that the dominant in question is insecure as all get out.

Yes, if there's anyway to misread or misinterpret people will do so. So what? Why does it matter if someone on the other side of the world holds a wrong opinion about him or me, or our relationship? Why would anyone care if someone they will never meet thinks badly of them?

I find this attitude near to the attitude that some people have about discussing their relationships with their friends. Everyone needs to vent, everyone needs a sounding board, everyone needs to share their lives with the people they are close to. When outside avenues of communication are limited, cut off or denied, there is a level of dysfunction in the relationship. That, to me, boils down to insecurities and fear.

I would in the future and have in the past encouraged all of my submissives to post here on collar me and discuss their thoughts and opinions as well as ask for advice or assistance if they feel the need. If they need to vent, here is as good a place as any, they may even get some good advice or empathy from another poster who has had a similar experience.

I could care less what anyone on the outside perceives my relationship to be. The only opinions that truly matter are those of the participants in the relationship.

_____________________________

Tress

"If you have to tell people that you are a lady, you are not." My Grandmother

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 39

RE: May you discuss personal problems here - 11/9/2008 10:18:46 AM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

KOM, not all of us have kink minded friends. Some of us don't. We're two hours from the nearest group and wouldn't fit in with it anyway. So for something that is specifically a power relationship issue, as opposed to an ordinary relationship issue, the only group we have to ask is online.

yeah... and I live six hours away... and I don't socialize or consider anyone in this lifestyle as a Friend that I confide anything of my personal life with. AND I am sure as hell not going to come on line and tell the bartender either!!!

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 40

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