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May you discuss personal problems here - 11/8/2008 10:05:27 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		I read somebody's sig line which said something to the effect of she is never allowed to talk about her relationship or ask advice about it, the gist that I gathered is she is obligated to lie about it and present it in a way that makes it seem perfect.

Obviously if I have a problem I talk to him about it. But sometimes it isn't something I can find the words for, so I bring a question to the boards to try to get my nebulous feelings narrowed down. And sometimes, if it relates to how I am handling something, not something between us, it helps to get other people's thoughts and suggestions.

I always assume that if someone isn't allowed to vent outside, get outside info, get confirmation that this is common to other people or just other subs, that what that says is that the dominant in question is insecure as all get out.

Yes, if there's anyway to misread or misinterpret people will do so. So what? Why does it matter if someone on the other side of the world holds a wrong opinion about him or me, or our relationship? Why would anyone care if someone they will never meet thinks badly of them?

_____________________________

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Cynical and proud of it!

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RE: May you discuss personal problems here - 11/8/2008 10:11:51 AM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		In the case of the sig line you read, it might be more of a subject of the person in question asks advice and doesnt think on his or her own. Too many times, someone doesnt know how to handle a situation and takes the word of those on the boards as some sort of gospel for handling it. Perhaps that person was not allowed to talk about their relationship or ask for advice HERE becasue they had already done so once and it had negative repercussions...

I do not bring personal problems here for the simple reason that they are personal. I do not find outside opinions into personal issues to be helpful because they are based solely on a one sided story and quite often are fueled by ulterior motives. I have friends I can talk to about htem, when they arise and I can talk to Fox, but going on the forums are not goingto be helpful and so I have learned not to bother.

Just my take on it, if the info is in a sig line, it could very well be forum-based and not a general taboo on it.

DV

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to DesFIP)
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RE: May you discuss personal problems here - 11/8/2008 10:15:27 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Hadn't thought about it in that way. And not being someone unable to think on my own that hadn't occurred although considering some of the threads you read, it should have.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to DiurnalVampire)
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RE: May you discuss personal problems here - 11/8/2008 10:15:39 AM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline 		I never had a rule put on me about posting issues to the board, but I haven't made a practice of it, either. I have some very close friends who know me extremely well, and who have a lot more experience than I do about things D/s related. Who better than to seek the council of those who know the history, and who know how I think and feel about things on a deeply personal level?

It's probably because of my own thin skin that I have difficulty reading negative things from people who don't really know the situation. In my former relationship, I said we were having difficult issues and I didn't know what the outcome was going to be, but I didn't have any desire to detail them out here. The advice I sought was on a more personal level. This wasn't because of a need to paint a pretty image that didn't really exist, but more about my personal preference of where I go for help.

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.



(in reply to DesFIP)
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RE: May you discuss personal problems here - 11/8/2008 10:16:06 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Like it or not, especially in LDR and cyber relationships, there's a huge amount of peer pressure to present the right face, be the subbliest of them all and not let any cracks show.  Those bitches can be vicious if you show a sign of weakness.

So while in most relationships I don't think there is an explicit rule about not going outside, it's very much an implicit pressured expectation that you eliminate the bad and show only the good.  Happens on here all the time.

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Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)
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RE: May you discuss personal problems here - 11/8/2008 10:18:05 AM   
missturbation


Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline
quote:

Yes, if there's anyway to misread or misinterpret people will do so. So what? Why does it matter if someone on the other side of the world holds a wrong opinion about him or me, or our relationship? Why would anyone care if someone they will never meet thinks badly of them?


I think what strikes me here is the way this statement invalidates anyone who is hurt by responses they get's feelings. To some people it does matter what people think of them, even those who don't know them. Yes they may be over sensitive and yes in the grand scheme of things it may not matter what others opinions are, but it doesn't change the fact some people are this way.
 
I very rarely bring personal problems here anymore because of many reasons. I don't like being judged by others, i don't like all the misreading and venom that is quite often spewed and i don't like recieving cmail saying i am mental for my choices.
This is part of the response you have to expect here though and so i choose to avoid it as much as possible. After all you post something personal here you open yourself up to it.
So in answer i can see why some Dom's would choose not to allow their s type come here and ask for advice, it's not always insecurity behind it. Maybe they are avoiding thir sub's feelings being hurt as they know they are sensitive to others judgements. Maybe they just don't want their dirty laundry washing in public.



_____________________________

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If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: May you discuss personal problems here - 11/8/2008 10:26:14 AM   
marie2


Posts: 1690
Joined: 11/4/2008
From: Jersey
Status: offline 		In general, I don't think its a good thing to keep someone cut off from "information".  However, It's hard to say in a specific case,  without knowing the motivating factor behind the "rule".  Maybe the sub is "new" and in her first ds relationship.  And sometimes all the conflicting answers that come in from one extreme to the other could present even more confusion for the sub, which could hamper the efforts of what the master might be trying to do.  It could also be that the sub is highly sensitive and could get her feelings hurt by the sometimes "blunt" responses.  Or maybe the master is concerned that she will be influenced by something that he doesn't want her being touched by right now.

I agree that a lot of good can come from sharing things with people who are willing to be helpful (sometimes), but on the other hand, there could be a whole host of other unknown reasons why this particular master doesn't want his sub posting questions here.

Personally, I will share up to a point without giving too many details.  And if I really need help with something of a personal nature, I confide privately in a trusted confidant.

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: May you discuss personal problems here - 11/8/2008 11:00:04 AM   
oceanwynds


Posts: 1044
Joined: 8/24/2006
Status: offline 		For me personally, I do not discuss on boards personal issues that I have with Sir or anyone for that matter. I will email someone that I feel gives good and honest advice though, when in need of other opinions. This has nothing to do with me being a good sub either. I just can't see putting another's business out in the open. What is told to me is kept by me period.

(in reply to marie2)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: May you discuss personal problems here - 11/8/2008 11:10:21 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		In more than one instance, I have specifically said that if there was an issue, I don't have too many hang ups about it being brought to the boards.  While what LA says about some needing to present the perfect face in an on line arena may be true for some, I'm not one of them.  I'd much rather any submissive of Mine be able to reap the benefits of what might be found in posting a question here, than any supposed cyber reputation that I might have.  In fact, there have even been a couple of times that I've encouraged it.  My only guidelines in doing so have been a couple of items.  The first is that My sub should remain respectful of Me.    In no way can anyone control the responses on a thread, and some of those might be disrespectful of Me personally, but My sub had still better talk of Me in the same manner he would talk to Me if it was a conversation between us.  The other is that I don't want anything that is overtly graphic of a sexual nature.  There's nothing wrong with an abstract comment, but details of My personal self of an intimate nature should not be included from My sub.

If there's a potential benefit of a submissive of Mine seeking advice from his peers and others in the lifestyle, I think that far outweighs any supposed image I think people I've never met should have of Me.  Not everyone has close personal friends in the lifestyle to bounce things off of or submissive groups in their area.  I'm fully aware that there are situations that present themselves where someone might want to elicit the advice from others, and if an on line forum is the best way to do that, and My sub is better for it, he absolutely has My permission to do so.




_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to marie2)
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RE: May you discuss personal problems here - 11/8/2008 11:28:52 AM   
RealSub58


Posts: 1073
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

I read somebody's sig line which said something to the effect of she is never allowed to talk about her relationship or ask advice about it, the gist that I gathered is she is obligated to lie about it and present it in a way that makes it seem perfect.



Our relationship is not perfect and we, I, have problems at times.But I am not allowed to talk about us and our issues in public.  I can share with only a few people.  This is his demand and I have obeyed this.  It is out of respect for our relationship that I do not disobey.  So yes, I take GREAT offense when someone thinks I am talking about our problems...no, assumes I am.There is no obligation to get on a new profile or to lie.This goes against who I am. I think people just assume way too much all too often and that is just what it becomes...   ass out of u me   

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: May you discuss personal problems here - 11/8/2008 11:28:58 AM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline 		I wouldn't speak about any personal problems or ask for opinions from a forum board. I'm not banned from doing so but it's just not a helpful way of getting advice where I'm concerned.

As DV said ........ some people are unsure of themselves and don't have a raft of avenues for advice, come here and get a stream of conflicting opinions, which could exacerbate their uncertainty. If you have a submissive like this, I can see why you might do this.

I think M would be rather put-out if I came here asking other people's opinions on the way he deals with me in a seriously questioning way ,and I would be too, in reverse.

agirl




(in reply to DesFIP)
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RE: May you discuss personal problems here - 11/8/2008 11:33:16 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		I don't discuss super personal stuff here. I would be disappointed if my girl brought really personal stuff here without talking to me about it first.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: May you discuss personal problems here - 11/8/2008 11:52:05 AM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

I read somebody's sig line which said something to the effect of she is never allowed to talk about her relationship or ask advice about it, the gist that I gathered is she is obligated to lie about it and present it in a way that makes it seem perfect.

Obviously if I have a problem I talk to him about it. But sometimes it isn't something I can find the words for, so I bring a question to the boards to try to get my nebulous feelings narrowed down. And sometimes, if it relates to how I am handling something, not something between us, it helps to get other people's thoughts and suggestions.

I always assume that if someone isn't allowed to vent outside, get outside info, get confirmation that this is common to other people or just other subs, that what that says is that the dominant in question is insecure as all get out.

Yes, if there's anyway to misread or misinterpret people will do so. So what? Why does it matter if someone on the other side of the world holds a wrong opinion about him or me, or our relationship? Why would anyone care if someone they will never meet thinks badly of them?


It really is somewhat of a conundrum isn't it? I believe there is no satisfactory answer and there are too many questions begging for an honest reply. Whilst I am rather loth to chriticise an owner's way of handling his property (sub/slave), I do wonder if his instructions of "..she is never allowed to talk about her relationship or ask advice about it.." if this is a sign of a Dominant being unsure of his authority and ability. Now many decades ago when I had just initiated my 2nd wife into Wicca and was just forming what was to me the Mother Covemn for Western Australian Wicca a decade later, I'd be teaching he  only to fine that she was contacting other friends in the craft to asking them if I was right. It hurt like hell and certainly created some minor trust issues. yet I kjnew my abilities and knowledge and had already in fact trained all those she turned to for there were none others in the state who have equal or more knowledge or experience. She, when I gently tasked her about it, as mortified when she realkised the implication and how it could have been misconstrewed. I use this as one example.. Untill we know more about both people I believe it best to keep this discussion on general grounds and hypothetical ones too. 

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: May you discuss personal problems here - 11/8/2008 12:54:58 PM   
califsue


Posts: 593
Joined: 2/2/2008
Status: offline 		I don't bring personal problems to the board because I don't want to get the wrath of the posters. However, I have made friends based on the forums who I trust and am able to share and find the support I need on the other side. I think it is helpful to have someone who you can bounce ideas/talk about sometimes before you speak with your Dom as it does provide insight that might well have been overlooked.
 
 

(in reply to IronBear)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: May you discuss personal problems here - 11/8/2008 2:06:10 PM   
babygirlkitten


Posts: 66
Joined: 10/25/2008
From: Manhattan
Status: offline 		It may also be that there are certain people on the boards that the Dom doesn't care to give knowledge of their relationship to. However, I think perhaps the sub's putting that information alone in their signature line is fuel to the fire.

(in reply to califsue)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: May you discuss personal problems here - 11/8/2008 2:48:23 PM   
MadRabbit


Posts: 3460
Joined: 8/9/2006
Status: offline 		Since I highly doubt any Internet entity is going to have enough understanding of the nuances of a situation to provide anything accurate advice regarding a serious relationship problem, I don't beleive in posting about them.

Minor relationships issues that are more general and less case specific where I am looking for general advice...Sure. When I need a lot of different perspectives, there is no source of information better than these forums.

However, the above is tempered by the fact that I really don't think the Internet should bare witness to my private affairs, whether good or bad, so I am still reluctanct to talk about them outside of a reference for the sake of an example in discussion.

_____________________________

Advice for New Dominants
The Unpolitically Correct Lifestyle Definitions

Obama is NOT the Messiah! He's just a VERY NAUGHTY BOY

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: May you discuss personal problems here - 11/8/2008 4:56:06 PM   
LifeisgoodSFLA


Posts: 21
Joined: 7/9/2008
Status: offline 		I don't use the forums to bring up personal relationship issues, but I have found lots of support here for personal family issues. If I have an issue with Master, He is the person to whom I should be talking (as most responses to these type of posts point out, anyway).
 
I will often pose questions about experiences (sub-space, reactions to play, etc.) that come up because of my relationship. Being able to probe the minds of more experienced and differently focused people in the "lifestyle" is one of the great benefits of being here.
 
The drama threads I can do without. (And yet, I sometimes find myself reading them- hating myself, yet reading. It's like watching a train wreck...)

*edited to add: This is obviously hejira. didn't realize I was signed in as us*

< Message edited by LifeisgoodSFLA -- 11/8/2008 4:57:46 PM >

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Cuffkinks and hejira92

"Heart, mind, body and soul- All are His"

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Profile   Post #: 17
RE: May you discuss personal problems here - 11/8/2008 4:58:10 PM   
VampiresLair


Posts: 1307
Joined: 9/3/2008
Status: offline 		Fox brought up an interesting point when we talked earlier. Part of the reason some people might ban their submissives from asking about advice on here is becasue it seems a lot of times that people suggest moving on rather than working through. Ultimatums are never a good fix, but thats the kind of advice a lot of people give and it makes all D/s relationships look amazingly disposable. 

_____________________________

Separately we are DiurnalVampire and DVsFox

10/18 Wedding date. 1 year and still blissfully happy

10/13/10 3 year anniversary of his becoming my Fox

Talk impolitely to me, baby - Thanks sunshinemiss



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Profile   Post #: 18
RE: May you discuss personal problems here - 11/8/2008 5:23:15 PM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline
quote:

Why would anyone care if someone they will never meet thinks badly of them?


I've never understood how people are deeply wounded by on-line strangers.

I've learned that it is not good to talk too much about your relationship.  Especially to a group of strangers on-line.  It creates drama when others become involved in a relationship.  It makes you look bad if you proclaim a new relationship too loudly, only to have it spin out of control within a few weeks.  I feel embarassed for people who allow that to happen, but only briefly, because they have courted that sort of attention.

As far as problem-solving a relationship, I think it is best left to those in the relationship or a carefully chosen friend who can be there for you.  I think it dilutes a relationship when it becomes a thing for public consumption.


_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

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Profile   Post #: 19
RE: May you discuss personal problems here - 11/8/2008 5:24:46 PM   
oceanwynds


Posts: 1044
Joined: 8/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: VampiresLair

Fox brought up an interesting point when we talked earlier. Part of the reason some people might ban their submissives from asking about advice on here is becasue it seems a lot of times that people suggest moving on rather than working through. Ultimatums are never a good fix, but thats the kind of advice a lot of people give and it makes all D/s relationships look amazingly disposable. 


I would agree with the disposable relationship syndrome here. Many times it is just one person's account, and many times I wonder how much it really is blown out of proportion.

In my case, bringing up information regarding Sir personally is a no no, not by his words but my own. His life, his family and so on should be treated sacred imho.

There have been times where i had problems myself in accepting my role in the relationship, or had questions regarding my relationship with Sir, but found it best to not ask. Instead I did a search on the topic of question at that time. To be honest, I didn't want to hear we did not have a 'true' D/s relationship because of this or that. I am glad I had enough faith in Sir and me to know we had something. It didnt need to be classified with a cookie cutter version of what is or isnt True. Through reading the posts, I also found those that I could email with and go with my concerns.

Just my 2 cents. Am tired, missing Sir a lot and rambling
oceanwynds

(in reply to VampiresLair)
Profile   Post #: 20
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