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Misunderstandings, miscommunication and where do I fit in? - 10/8/2008 12:50:29 AM   
moonvine


Posts: 780
Joined: 11/7/2004
Status: offline 		So, I've never felt I fit in in this BDSM world.  I'm not poly.  I don't want to be poly.  I don't play in public.  I don't want to play in public.  I don't want to communicate with a man whose profile reads like some kind of badly written porno novel.  I don't want to communicate with a man who expects to be presented with a list of my sexual and power exchange likes and dislikes before I have even exchanged two words with him. 

My last relationship, (and my last spanking) was over 3 years ago now.  This is not acceptable to me, because unfortunately for me, I am a masochist.  Am I particularly thrilled by this fact, not so much.  I often wish that tomorrow I would wake up and not be a masochist.  It would make my life much easier, I think.   Being over 40 and fat doesn't particularly *help* a lot, I don't think, but it doesn't hurt me as much as the masochist thing, either. 

So a year ago or so I found a profile on here that I really liked - unfortunately, said person is just slightly over half my age.  I wrote to him fully expecting no answer because I would not particularly want to be involved on any level with someone twice my age, and I often, very politely, tell people who are outside my age range that they are, indeed, outside my age range.  And we casually corresponded off and on until last week, when somehow we ended up on the phone for many hours and I told him things I have never told anyone, including people I have been in actual real time relationships with.  And he crawled up inside my head and *got* every single bit of it. 

However unfortunately I somehow completely missed something, or really blew it somewhere, because while talking tonight I discovered he's just planning to have a casual relationship with me (forgive me for not understanding this either - I can and have had casual sex, not my favorite thing, but it is kind of like McDonalds...it'll do if you're really, really hungry) but how does one submit casually?  And how do you not mention that you'd rather be in a relationship with someone more age and distance appropriate to you? (he doesn't date people 30 miles away - I fall down on my knees and praise Tunare if I meet someone within 5 or 6 hundred miles - I've found this often in men and don't really get that either, but that's the least of my issues, apparently).  I guess I just do not comprehend how someone can decide, before meeting another person, that they are "good enough" for a short term relationship, but not LTR fodder?  I would just not bother meeting the person at all, but maybe that's my hangup?

At any rate, I now have a choice, I can take what I can get, which is *good* pain now but waiting for the other shoe to drop forever, or I can break it off with him and go back to perusing bad-porno-written profiles and waiting another Goddess only knows how long before I find someone with whom there is some sort of mutual chemistry. 

Over the years I've gotten pretty good at putting my whole sex drive, masochism and all, into a box in my head, locking it and throwing away the key, but it always seems to be able to creep out again ....given that sometimes it takes years.....but I'm not sure I want to go to 45, or 50, without any sort of relationship at all. 

Thanks to anyone who has bothered to read this whole thing.  Isn't this crap supposed to get less confusing as we age?




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RE: Misunderstandings, miscommunication and where do I ... - 10/8/2008 12:59:45 AM   
hlen5


Posts: 5890
Joined: 3/2/2008
Status: offline 		  If I understand your post correctly, you are wondering if you should settle for half a loaf?
What would you tell your best friend if this situation was hers?

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RE: Misunderstandings, miscommunication and where do I ... - 10/8/2008 1:11:33 AM   
moonvine


Posts: 780
Joined: 11/7/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: hlen5

If I understand your post correctly, you are wondering if you should settle for half a loaf?
What would you tell your best friend if this situation was hers?


Half a loaf is better than no loaf at all?  I can't eat a whole loaf before it goes bad?  What do we do if the whole loaf is just a fantasy and reality is that there are only half loaves?  You're greedy for wanting a whole loaf when there are starving children in India who don't have crumbs?

Hell, I'm working on trying to get my best friend to pay her mortgage so she doesn't even up moving in with me and living in my spare room.


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RE: Misunderstandings, miscommunication and where do I ... - 10/8/2008 1:17:50 AM   
hlen5


Posts: 5890
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Status: offline 		You have cmail.


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RE: Misunderstandings, miscommunication and where do I ... - 10/8/2008 1:33:07 AM   
loverly


Posts: 236
Joined: 1/23/2004
Status: offline 		i have been free for almost 2 yrs now.. ( in Dec) and it hasnt been easy so i well know what You feel like there. i am not so much a masocist ( tho i am to some extent ) to where that is a craving for me . However being emotionally envolved IS and having a Master is a NEED for me not a want. and i do the lock up sexual thoughts/needs/masocistic thoughts in the box and lock it as well... in my own way .. however.. i also have tried stepping out of the box and doing some of this casually... a few times it was OK.... from a play standpoint.. there was no sex involved except for Blowjobs.... which if You believe Ex Pres. Clinton isnt even sex so .... lol
 
but as for the playing S&M games casually.. it is near impossiable for me to do .. ( as i said i have in the past done so ) it is not the actual acts while they are happening tho for me.. it is the fact that it seems MOST of the time when it is a casual encounter that it is a play HARD situation , and it takes me more than a few mins .. or hours to come back from where i was taken ... ( usually subspace) and i dont drop for a day or so after hard play... i learned this the hard way after such a session ( my first try at casual) and two days later he of course was no where to be found or caring at all... and i was curled up in my bed in JULY in long johns , socks and a blanket crying my heart out.. it is so HARD to not have that someOne special there telling you that You are Such a Good girl for him and holding you and all.... aftercare is so important.. more than just moments afterwards!  casual doesnt get you that much ... or not often.. there is no emotinal connection... and no real caring for you.  for me anyway... there is nothing casual about me no matter what my needs are in the moment!  ... so i had to ask myself.. was it worth it? for me.. the answer was no thank you and i wait... but .. patience pays off.. i may have foudn HIM.. lol. wouldnt THAT be something!!

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RE: Misunderstandings, miscommunication and where do I ... - 10/8/2008 2:01:07 AM   
Subductrssss


Posts: 97
Joined: 9/28/2008
Status: offline 		For each of us I think that there are different answers and different variances on what we need, want and are willing to settle for.

So do you want and need what he is offering you? Are you willing to settle for these things? Or are you worth so much more that only what you truly need and want will you settle for?

I think sometimes in this lifestyle submissives get lost in the expectations of our particular society upon submissives and forget what they uniquely bring to each encounter.

If you are a masochist that is fine, then find someone to feed that kink of yours, but do it on your terms, regarding what you want and need in your heart.  Do not settle for less than you truly want and need and only you know what that is and only you can communicate with another what that is and decide what you will settle for or not settle for.

You raise some wonderful questions and insights.  And unfortunately I don't have the answers, and I don't really think anyone here but you does for your particular situation.

For me, I'd rather be by myself than in a "relationship" of any type that leaves me feeling empty and unfulfilled, my profile pretty much tells what I want and need and yes I tried to "fit in" and say I could be something I found I could not and have since modified my profile to be totally honest and open for if I am not how will I ever find the One that is the whole to my half?

Look deep within yourself and decide "Am I really ready to settle for this?" whatever this may be.  If you are then have fun with it, revel it in, enjoy it for the time it lasts, but if you are not ready to settle then please don't.  I don't care how old you are or what your age is or how you look or how you act, how you feel about you is the most important thing and that will show in what you are ready to settle for or not in your own definitions of this lifestyle.

(((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))) and I wish you the best of luck no matter what happens with "this" or any other meeting or relationship or even conversation with someone just as I do to all of us who seek.

I have settled for less than what I want, desire and need in the past and will never again do so even if it means I live and die alone ~ sometimes it is worth it.


< Message edited by Subductrssss -- 10/8/2008 2:02:23 AM >

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RE: Misunderstandings, miscommunication and where do I ... - 10/8/2008 3:19:42 AM   
simpleplan2


Posts: 461
Joined: 7/5/2008
Status: offline 		I find your post very confusing.  I don't understand how he can plan on having a casual relationship with you and you not know it.  If you don't like what he's telling you, then don't meet him.  You can just say that you've "reconsidered" and have decided that you'd rather concentrate on meeting someone for a long term gig rather than short term.  That part isn't confusing at all.  What do you want?

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RE: Misunderstandings, miscommunication and where do I ... - 10/8/2008 4:46:26 AM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
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You are not so different from a lot of others out there who are looking for that someone special; you just think that you are alone.

I am hard core masochist who has not been with anyone for over 10 years, my abstinence comes from choice and knowing my own reality though. I don’t do casual; never have and I will never will; what’s more, I absolutely refuse to settle for anything less than what I want and need.

You want a serious relationship with someone who shares your interests in all ways; don’t settle for anything less than what you want and need. The masochism can be taken care of in other ways, if that is the only reason that you are
contemplating settling. And no, I am not talking about ‘hurting yourself’ to satisfy that need; there are other ways to provide what you need. Explore all your options before you make the decision to ‘settle’; because in the long term, you are going to feel worse for doing so.

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RE: Misunderstandings, miscommunication and where do I ... - 10/8/2008 6:21:54 AM   
sravaka


Posts: 314
Joined: 6/20/2008
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quote:

I don't understand how he can plan on having a casual relationship with you and you not know it.


This is the part of the OP's post that gets to me and distresses me on her behalf.  In the words of the inestimable Yaldahtovah, "The submissive hunger is to be the object of an intense and penetrating understanding."  Having one of those conversations with someone where you bare yourself and the other person appears to get it and accept it can be very intoxicating, and easily lead you to be hopeful that you're onto something real and serious, esp. if you've mostly been dealing with idiots and implausibles otherwise.  But there are plenty of men (and who knows, perhaps women too) for whom those conversations are also a casual thing.  If they have not been clear up front about the nature of their interest, it can feel a bit like a bait and switch when the truth comes out. 

I have no advice,  but I have loads of sympathy.   Searching sucks.

--sravaka


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RE: Misunderstandings, miscommunication and where do I ... - 10/8/2008 6:38:49 AM   
missturbation


Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline
quote:

So, I've never felt I fit in in this BDSM world.  I'm not poly.  I don't want to be poly.  I don't play in public.  I don't want to play in public.  I don't want to communicate with a man whose profile reads like some kind of badly written porno novel.  I don't want to communicate with a man who expects to be presented with a list of my sexual and power exchange likes and dislikes before I have even exchanged two words with him. 

Then don't.
 
quote:

My last relationship, (and my last spanking) was over 3 years ago now.  This is not acceptable to me, because unfortunately for me, I am a masochist.

It's not acceptable to me that i am not locked in a cage 24/7 or under his desk kissing his feet whilst he works. I have to suck it up though, maybe you should.
 
quote:

Am I particularly thrilled by this fact, not so much.  I often wish that tomorrow I would wake up and not be a masochist.

You need to learn some self acceptance. You are what you are and you need what you need.
 
quote:

Being over 40 and fat doesn't particularly *help* a lot, I don't think,

Why doesn't this help? I'm 35, plump and ugly but it hasn't hindered me in any way.
 
quote:

At any rate, I now have a choice, I can take what I can get, which is *good* pain now but waiting for the other shoe to drop forever, or I can break it off with him and go back to perusing bad-porno-written profiles and waiting another Goddess only knows how long before I find someone with whom there is some sort of mutual chemistry.

Why can't you do both? Take the casual relationship for what it is and keep searching for a more committed one.
 
As an aside i think you need to spend some time getting to know and love and understand yourself before you start looking for a relationship. Too much drama and issues.



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RE: Misunderstandings, miscommunication and where do I ... - 10/8/2008 6:59:10 AM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		SimplyMichael burts into the room, the air becomes chill and all eyes turn to him as we walks slowly but surely up to the "ugly plump girl" slaps her upside the head, throws her over his shoulder and then hurls her up onto the cross.  With a flick of his wrist, his knife appears in his hand and he carves forever into her back the following ..."I am a beautiful god damned glorious slut and I will NOT say bad shit about myself again"

Woman, you are a damn fine looking girl and you have my permission to crush the balls of anyone who says otherwise and I would be willing to bet my permission to do so will be seconded by plenty of others!

Now, back to the OP!  If you want something odd, something hard to find, a loving caring sadist who doesn't like public play, who lives local, and all that good stuff, luck, timing, and fate are all going to play their part.    So, you see it as a choice of SOME fun, or none at all. 

OR do what I do.  BSB and I love each other deeply.  We still have fun together but we aren't the "couple" either of us want to be although what the future will bring for us, neither of us really know.  I am seeing someone local and it is fun but I have no idea where that is going either. Frankly, on some level I am satisfied.  However, if some amazing woman strutted into my life who was local, who loved my nasty dirty side, who was amazingly classy and sophisticated, who drove me insane with lust and and we fell in love, I would likely return to being monogamous and end it with anyone else I was seeing, or perhaps not, one never knows what the future will bring.

So, look to open your options up without ending others.  While I am not the biggest fan of being poly, it has its place if everyone is open and honest about their intentions and motivations, far easier said than done but it done by many quite well.

< Message edited by SimplyMichael -- 10/8/2008 7:37:54 AM >

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RE: Misunderstandings, miscommunication and where do I ... - 10/8/2008 7:11:49 AM   
BlackPhx


Posts: 3432
Joined: 11/8/2006
Status: offline 		Speaking as someone who made do with Maintenance Doms/Sadists while she searched for her Master  I can tell you that it is possible to find that person while doing the casual thing to handle your needs. I have had more than a few false starts, and casual whippings ( never sex) as time dragged on and I despaired of ever finding where I belonged. I am now married to my Master and very happy.

You don't have to settle. You DO need to do what you need to to answer your needs. If that means playing casually, it doesn't have to mean bumping wabbly bits.

I would also say, don't discount those younger or older than yourself..it really does depend on the mental and emotional age of the person, not the physical age. Master is 15 years my junior, yet it is in his Arms I find safety and his Mind I find delight.

Find what works for you..and go with the flow.

poenkitten

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RE: Misunderstandings, miscommunication and where do I ... - 10/8/2008 7:17:14 AM   
NihilusZero


Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
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quote:

ORIGINAL: moonvine

I could, but I don't want to.  Remember the monogamy thing?  That means if I'm having sex with him, which I would rather expect he would expect, I'm not having sex with someone else.

I think this is missing the point. The fact that he wants a casual relationship directly leads to a potentially comfortable situation where you can express how you feel while still internally searching/hoping for a fully fulfilling LTR without it offending him.

It doesn't mean you would be sleeping with two people. It's not a compromise of your desire for monogamy. It simply leaves you the freedom to actually run into someone more totally in line with what you are looking for. In which case, you'd only have to inform this fellow of it and your mutually understood "casual relationship" can be ended to let you pursue the new relationship.

Something can be a good fit and can be nice for what it is...and just because you could learn to understand that and be open to it doesn't mean it should somehow demean the moral importance of your ideal desires.

< Message edited by NihilusZero -- 10/8/2008 7:20:23 AM >

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RE: Misunderstandings, miscommunication and where do I ... - 10/8/2008 7:29:32 AM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline 		I posted this to you in your "Does age matter" thread, before you wrote this thread...
quote:

ORIGINAL: moonvine

I highly, highly prefer younger dominants.  I've found the ones I have been with to be creative and yummy - the best scene I ever had was with a 25 year old when I was 38ish.  The one I am going to meet soon is *mutter* 23, but he's gotten into my head better than anyone in my life so far..so, we will see.

And I'm thinking...call me cynical...that about the time you hit 50 or 55, a male dominant who is in their late 20's or early 30's...given what I've learned about most, though not ALL,  men through the years...  is not going to find much use for you relationship-wise.


Now, I see you post a thread about how he dropped "the bomb" about not seeing this as anything more than a casual relationship as far as he is concerned.  Personally, I don't see why this should surprise you...
1.  He is 23 and, if he is like most 23 yr olds these days...according to the press and my own observations...he is still sowing his oats.
2.  When he is ready to settle down into a relationship,  tis likely that...again, if he is like most men...he will either choose someone his age or younger.  Older women tend to be more of a conquest for younger men...especially those in their 20s... not a relationship partner.
3.  Seems a bit like karma, doesn't it...given what you've told men who were older than you but not even approaching the difference that there is between you and this young male dominant?  Perhaps he's seeing...in his mind's eye...the same picture you painted for us, only in reverse:  him taking care of you in your "old age" while he is still a relatively young man...a hell of a lot younger than you as compared to your mother and your father. 

If you want monogamy, try it with a partner who is more likely to be interested in a relationship with you...someone closer to your own age.  Try reading a few more profiles...I doubt that you'd find anything "porno" about my profile or Michael's or other older dominants...you just haven't searched enough, perhaps because of your own admitted bias towards older men.                 

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RE: Misunderstandings, miscommunication and where do I ... - 10/8/2008 7:34:14 AM   
MaamJay


Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline 		Firstly OP, S & M doesn't have to include sexual intercourse unless you both want it to. It's quite possible for the masochist to get their pain and the sadist to enjoy inflicting that pain without then humping like rabbits! In fact, if I as the Dominant have inflicted the pain in the way I like to do, the sub is likely floating in a delicious space at the end of it and would be quite incapable of sex. The payoff for Me is then in the closeness, the mental intimacy that follows during the aftercare and the gradual grounding of the sub and the special experience shared. So in that context, it is possible to play "casually" and still be nicely sated.

Secondly, "casual" can have a range of meanings. For some it truly is an uncaring, one night stand thing. For others ... it is something that might continue for some time and involve considerable caring, whilst both acknowledging that this is not going to lead to the full time happy ever after thing. I have played with guys half My age in just that way, caring about them as subs and as human beings, staying friends with them even after they have moved on to a more permanent commitment with someone more age appropriate or even when their job has sent them across the country or across the world! It was casual in that I did not want or think it appropriate to exert control over their lives beyond play sessions (other than perhaps banning them from masturbating the night before a play date), and while both of Us sought to keep play dates, We understood if some other part of real life got in the way. And the age difference meant that neither of Us ever thought the other was "the One", but there was a lot of caring involved on both sides of the slash, and a great deal of intimacy, some sexual behaviour, but no intercourse. I am immensely grateful to those subs for scratching My itch ... and I know they feel likewise. For Me it wasn't a case of "settling for something inferior" ... it was a matter of enjoying something for the moment and allowing those experiences to continue to shape My vision of what I wanted for the future.

And sheesh, stop complaining! I'm over 50 and fat ... it hasn't stopped Me! I have tended to find those involved in bdsm are a bit less hung up on looks than those in vanilla-land ... they are somewhat more interested in what lies beneath. I don't think I've ever seen the body beautiful in a play party in someone's dungeon! All the ones I've seen have flaws somewhere ... some are too skinny (anyone for spare ribs?), but many are too fat, have stretch marks, have floppy bits that gave up fighting gravity years ago ... and that's just the guys LMAO! Well, no, the women fit the same description and you know what ... it doesn't matter one bit. Perhaps if you weren't so anti going to such an event (you don't have to play there if you really don't want to) ... you might see that for yourself and be able to view yourself with less jaundiced eyes. At the moment, you are so down on yourself ... who would see you as attractive if you don't think of yourself that way? By all means be realistic but don't be negative!

And PS ... missturbation ... you were joking weren't you about being plump and ugly??? Not in My eyes ... nicely covered and attractive!

Maam Jay aka violet[A]

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RE: Misunderstandings, miscommunication and where do I ... - 10/8/2008 7:34:36 AM   
missturbation


Posts: 8290
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From: another planet
Status: offline
quote:

SimplyMichael burts into the room, the air becomes chill and all eyes turn to him as we walks slowly but surely up to the "ugly plump girl" slaps her upside the head, throws her over his shoulder and then hurls her up onto the cross.  With a flick of his wrist, his knife appears in his hand and he carves forever into her back the following ..."I am a beautiful god damned glorious slut and I will NOT say bad shit about myself again"

Woman, you a damn fine looking girl and you have my permission to crush the balls of anyone who says otherwise and I would be willing to bet my permission to do so will be seconded by plenty of others!


Wow!!
Is it me or did it just get hot in here?
Thankyou Michael x


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RE: Misunderstandings, miscommunication and where do I ... - 10/8/2008 7:36:05 AM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
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quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation

Why doesn't this help? I'm 35, plump and ugly but it hasn't hindered me in any way.



Wow, misst, I think it's really sad that you feel this way about yourself. I certainly don't see that in you, by way of your photos and posts.

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RE: Misunderstandings, miscommunication and where do I ... - 10/8/2008 7:42:26 AM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
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quote:

ORIGINAL: NuevaVida


quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation

Why doesn't this help? I'm 35, plump and ugly but it hasn't hindered me in any way.



Wow, misst, I think it's really sad that you feel this way about yourself. I certainly don't see that in you, by way of your photos and posts.


   And who could not agree with Michael's assessment of your looks?

< Message edited by CreativeDominant -- 10/8/2008 7:45:00 AM >

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RE: Misunderstandings, miscommunication and where do I ... - 10/8/2008 7:57:13 AM   
missturbation


Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NuevaVida


quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation

Why doesn't this help? I'm 35, plump and ugly but it hasn't hindered me in any way.



Wow, misst, I think it's really sad that you feel this way about yourself. I certainly don't see that in you, by way of your photos and posts.


I should have explained myself a bit better. I was trying to say that however we feel about ourselves it shouldn't be a hindrence. I am 35 i can't change that. I am slightly plump but nothing really wrong with that, i make a good pillow lol. Am i ugly? Well beauty is in the eye of the beholder. To some i may be minging, to others a gorgeous slut.
My point though that its just about finding that person that sees our inner and outer beauty.

_____________________________

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If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

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RE: Misunderstandings, miscommunication and where do I ... - 10/8/2008 10:40:47 AM   
softness


Posts: 2918
Joined: 8/1/2006
From: Leeds, UK
Status: offline 		Missy .... I'd fuck ya .... and I'm well picky!

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