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ORIGINAL: CallaFirestormBW

~fast reply~

Ok, IMO, every relationship starts out as a 'casual' relationship. It makes absolutely no sense to start a relationship with promises of forever. It takes time to get to know someone, and to get to figure out whether the relationship is going to work into something profound. Sometimes, a relationship that starts off casual and where neither party has any intention of it becoming anything more than that -still- ends up getting serious and becoming a key factor in their lives. Sometimes, that short relationship puts us in a position where we meet someone that we otherwise wouldn't have met, who is that link to a fulfilling, long-term relationship.

I don't discount relationships just because someone says "I'd rather stay casual." Frankly, I'm not a fortune-teller, so I can't see the future. If I think the person is a good fit for me and for my situation, I am willing to take that chance on this relationship being something that will be fulfilling for this place and this time, and I let the future worry about itself.

Calla Firestorm

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ORIGINAL: marieToo

Why are you twisting this into you not being "good enough"?  The way it reads (unless Im confused, which is entirely possible) is that he doesn't want to become serious with someone who is long distance.  That's just his preference, it's not about you personally. Even if your age has something to do with it, it's still about preference and not really about you.  I guess my first point is that you are feeling all these negatives about not being "good enough", but you are creating them in your own mind.  I mean, I think it's good that your eyes are open about what he wants, or doesn't want, but to make that about you, I think, is kind of self destructive on some level.

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But, I don't know, the feeling I get when I read your post is that your heart is already into this, and you seem almost 'hurt' already by the fact that he is never going to want more than something casual with you.

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Ya know, it's not him or nobody.  You'll meet someone else who "gets you".  Just because you're jiving with this guy on certain levels doesn't mean he's the only one out there who you're going to have that feeling with.  You'll find the exact same thing with a guy who wants a ltr too.

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ORIGINAL: moonvine

I think either you are misunderstanding what I said or I didn't say it very well.  Or maybe I don't understand what you are saying.  I have a degree in English ; I swear I was able to communicate clearly in writing at one time, but I think the Internet has rotted my brain.  This person did not say "I'd rather stay casual", this person said "I do not under any circumstances see any kind of long term relationship forming here ever." 

I'm also mightily confused about how I can say all my private parts belong to someone else, then continue to date other people.  "Sorry, I can date you but you can never touch me anywhere because all my naughty bits are someone else's property and you can't touch them without his permission?"  That just doesn't meet my definition of casual. 

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ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Just because he expects sex doesn't mean you have to give it to him. If you want to negotiate to be friends with pain play only, then do so. Be honest that as you two aren't good fodder for a long term monogamous relationship, you won't have sex with him.

But you might want to rethink the no public thing. Because it's easier to get a nonsexual play session in a public dungeon where sex play is not allowed.

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ORIGINAL: CallaFirestormBW

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ORIGINAL: moonvine

I think either you are misunderstanding what I said or I didn't say it very well.  Or maybe I don't understand what you are saying.  I have a degree in English ; I swear I was able to communicate clearly in writing at one time, but I think the Internet has rotted my brain.  This person did not say "I'd rather stay casual", this person said "I do not under any circumstances see any kind of long term relationship forming here ever." 

I'm also mightily confused about how I can say all my private parts belong to someone else, then continue to date other people.  "Sorry, I can date you but you can never touch me anywhere because all my naughty bits are someone else's property and you can't touch them without his permission?"  That just doesn't meet my definition of casual. 

Ok, let's see if I can word this differently, and maybe make for better clarity. IMO, it doesn't matter whether this guy only wants a casual relationship or not -- if everything else fits well and it fills a need in my life, I'm not going to stress about tomorrow -- just relish the day and what it brings. Whether he says he never wants a long-term relationship or not is kind of irrelevant, in my mind. I said I -never- wanted to marry or have kids. I was married for 13 years, and have 3 children by birth and one by assimilation. Just because a person is vehement doesn't mean that life won't toss a curve-ball.... at the same time, there's no reason to count on a curve being thrown. Maybe this -will- only be a short-term, casual relationship and that's all it will ever be. In my mind, every relationship brings something with it. So maybe he isn't The One -- but maybe he -knows- The One, and it's through being with this guy that you'll finally connect with the person that is the perfect fit for you. At that point, on an open-ended relationship, you can just say "Hey, I've found someone, and it feels right to me, and I want to be available for whatever this new relationship brings." That's an advantage to a casual relationship.

It sort of sounds, to me anyway, like you're -trying- to make this a huge, insurmountable problem, when, for me at least, it just doesn't seem insurmountable. You say that you'd have trouble dating if you had a casual Master who 'owned' your breasts, mouth and pussy... ok, well then don't give him ownership.... If he wants a casual relationship, I'm pretty sure he'd be satisfied with "You can use these when I'm with you, but when I'm not here, everything reverts to being my own to manage, including deciding who gets to touch what." It's all about how you look at things. If you insist on seeing mountains, it's hard to find solutions. If you're looking for solutions, you have to recognize that the problem is solvable.

If you're only going to be satisfied with "Mr. Perfect and All The Way", that's fine -- but then why are you even debating (with yourself or anyone else) the value of this possible casual, part-time relationship? Waiting for Mr. Perfect is also going to mean going without getting your needs met until you find him... nothing wrong with that, but if that's the choice, then you need to embrace that choice from a position of pride and strength, rather than as something to complain and feel bad about yourself about. Finding a life-partner isn't an instant process for most of us, and the fact that one hasn't shown up in x amount of time doesn't mean that that person isn't out there -- just that we haven't figured out how to connect yet.

As far as appearance and self-denigration, if you view my profile, you'll see that I am a large woman. I'm also 46 years old. I've only been active in WIITWD for a little over a decade. I have an active scene life, and have had both long-term and casual partners, and haven't had one of them think I was ugly, mis-shapen, or someone to dismiss, either during training, when I served to earn my crop, or after my manumission and elevation to Keeper in our household. I talk to women all the time who are in their 40s and 50s, and even a few older than that who are able to find fulfillment in WIITWD. None of them look like Raquel Welch, but they're all downright gorgeous in their own way. Don't sell yourself short. If you stop believing in yourself, it's hard for anyone else to believe in you.

Calla Firestorm

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ORIGINAL: MaamJay


And sheesh, stop complaining! I'm over 50 and fat ... it hasn't stopped Me! I have tended to find those involved in bdsm are a bit less hung up on looks than those in vanilla-land ... they are somewhat more interested in what lies beneath. I don't think I've ever seen the body beautiful in a play party in someone's dungeon! All the ones I've seen have flaws somewhere ... some are too skinny (anyone for spare ribs?), but many are too fat, have stretch marks, have floppy bits that gave up fighting gravity years ago ... and that's just the guys LMAO! Well, no, the women fit the same description and you know what ... it doesn't matter one bit. Perhaps if you weren't so anti going to such an event (you don't have to play there if you really don't want to) ... you might see that for yourself and be able to view yourself with less jaundiced eyes. At the moment, you are so down on yourself ... who would see you as attractive if you don't think of yourself that way? By all means be realistic but don't be negative!