moonvine
Posts: 780
Joined: 11/7/2004 Status: offline
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So, I've never felt I fit in in this BDSM world. I'm not poly. I don't want to be poly. I don't play in public. I don't want to play in public. I don't want to communicate with a man whose profile reads like some kind of badly written porno novel. I don't want to communicate with a man who expects to be presented with a list of my sexual and power exchange likes and dislikes before I have even exchanged two words with him. My last relationship, (and my last spanking) was over 3 years ago now. This is not acceptable to me, because unfortunately for me, I am a masochist. Am I particularly thrilled by this fact, not so much. I often wish that tomorrow I would wake up and not be a masochist. It would make my life much easier, I think. Being over 40 and fat doesn't particularly *help* a lot, I don't think, but it doesn't hurt me as much as the masochist thing, either. So a year ago or so I found a profile on here that I really liked - unfortunately, said person is just slightly over half my age. I wrote to him fully expecting no answer because I would not particularly want to be involved on any level with someone twice my age, and I often, very politely, tell people who are outside my age range that they are, indeed, outside my age range. And we casually corresponded off and on until last week, when somehow we ended up on the phone for many hours and I told him things I have never told anyone, including people I have been in actual real time relationships with. And he crawled up inside my head and *got* every single bit of it. However unfortunately I somehow completely missed something, or really blew it somewhere, because while talking tonight I discovered he's just planning to have a casual relationship with me (forgive me for not understanding this either - I can and have had casual sex, not my favorite thing, but it is kind of like McDonalds...it'll do if you're really, really hungry) but how does one submit casually? And how do you not mention that you'd rather be in a relationship with someone more age and distance appropriate to you? (he doesn't date people 30 miles away - I fall down on my knees and praise Tunare if I meet someone within 5 or 6 hundred miles - I've found this often in men and don't really get that either, but that's the least of my issues, apparently). I guess I just do not comprehend how someone can decide, before meeting another person, that they are "good enough" for a short term relationship, but not LTR fodder? I would just not bother meeting the person at all, but maybe that's my hangup? At any rate, I now have a choice, I can take what I can get, which is *good* pain now but waiting for the other shoe to drop forever, or I can break it off with him and go back to perusing bad-porno-written profiles and waiting another Goddess only knows how long before I find someone with whom there is some sort of mutual chemistry. Over the years I've gotten pretty good at putting my whole sex drive, masochism and all, into a box in my head, locking it and throwing away the key, but it always seems to be able to creep out again ....given that sometimes it takes years.....but I'm not sure I want to go to 45, or 50, without any sort of relationship at all. Thanks to anyone who has bothered to read this whole thing. Isn't this crap supposed to get less confusing as we age?
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