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RE: Thoughts? - 9/25/2008 5:34:42 AM

marieToo

Posts: 3595
Joined: 5/21/2006
From: Jersey
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: PuNkYkAt
Sadly, he just didn't get it. He pretty much just cursed at me, and lightly slapped my face! (To which i just giggled inside)--He never hurt me for the record. Matter of fact, he just felt really bad.

People have very strong feelings about face-slapping. Most either love it or hate it. It could be that this particular act made him feel badly or like simulated 'abuse' to him. And it's possible that until he tried it, he wasn't in touch with that. This doesn't mean that other acts of "dominance" or "topping" are going to have the same affect on him.

quote:

Anyway, my question is this....he is still very interested, and wants to try

I think this is the most important statement in your post. As long as he wants to try and is still very interested, you might want to try something mild with him and see how he takes to it. For example, maybe some light bondage while he teases you or something else that's not terribly physical. Maybe he'll get off on how you respond to him during something like that and begin to enjoy the mental aspects of it. It could be that it escalates and he ends up loving it, or it could be that he discovers it's not for him. Either way, at least you'll both get your answers.

< Message edited by marieToo -- 9/25/2008 5:47:28 AM >

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marie.

I give good agita.

(in reply to PuNkYkAt)

Post #: 21

RE: Thoughts? - 9/25/2008 6:02:54 AM

tsatske

Posts: 2037
Joined: 3/9/2007
From: Louisville, KY
Status: offline

try concentrating on Domination first. Talk about wanting to obey him. Try moving forward slowly from something that fits inside his experience.
Is He Christain? will he understand the Christian submissive wife kind of thing?

There are some good sites out there on Male Dominated Households that aren't D/s. No, I'm not telling you to give up on the D/s, just to find some common ground to start with.

Try going to a munch and getting to know people. I know you probably did used to, but he hasn't. Meeting a variety of different people that do it a variety of different ways may allow him to find some who resonate with him 'hey, i could do it that way. He seems to respect her and adore her, and she...'

yes, books are a good idea, too.

_____________________________

“If you never did you should. These things are fun and fun is good”
~Dr. Seuss quote

(in reply to persephonee)

Post #: 22

RE: Thoughts? - 9/25/2008 8:53:37 AM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

I am at a total loss to understand what "vanilla" has to do with dominance. Vanilla/kinky has to do with sexual kinks... party tricks one plays in the bedroom to get each other off. Dominance spans way more than this tiny little sphere of BDSM.

(in reply to PuNkYkAt)

Post #: 23

RE: Thoughts? - 9/25/2008 2:12:05 PM

sunshinedreams

Posts: 181
Joined: 1/22/2008
Status: offline

For clearification of my post....vanilla= equal partners, no power excange elements, what would be thought of as standard modern day sort of inner workings in a relationship

That was what I meant by it. No, it has no relevence to BDSM, but to D/s it does.

(in reply to leadership527)

Post #: 24

RE: Thoughts? - 9/25/2008 5:06:24 PM

daddysliloneds

Posts: 1351
Joined: 6/28/2006
Status: offline

everything you said about him before the HOWEVER statement got lost because of everything you said about him after that statement; which seems to me is a perfect indication that, um, NO!

(in reply to PuNkYkAt)

Post #: 25

RE: Thoughts? - 9/28/2008 11:44:33 AM

Jeptha

Posts: 780
Joined: 9/18/2008
From: Portland, Oregon
Status: offline

Punkykat, no offense; you seem like a cool and nice person, and I bet he's lucky to have you, but what you've written here isn't very descriptive.

Now -- there's nothing wrong with that!

The reason I bring it up is because, if he's absolutely unfamiliar with the kinds of things you are interested in, he's going to need more than just a general overview; he'll need the dots connected for him in a lot more direct way than that.

As a sub, maybe you are reluctant to do that - it might feel like you are requesting to much, in too much detail.

But it sounds like, to me, that he needs to get more of a complete picture of what your talking about - maybe share a bdsm checklist with him, eventually?

And you can discuss, as other posters have pointed out, how a D/s relationship can work without the bdsm elements, if the respective parties so desire.

The first time I slapped someone's face, I did it very lightly, too - it's wise to go at your own pace when treading new territory, (whether it's new experiences or a new partner), I feel.

I think feedback after the fact is important; let him know if you like something, if he can do more, etc.
For example, I would have loved to be able to slap harder, but just about any kind of slap in the face is a pretty intense thing, and my partner didn't wish to go further than the lighter slap.

And, as others have also mentioned, he may have to have the difference between consensual activity and abuse reiterated for him; that is, he'll have to be reassured that it's ok sometimes. Sometimes that message bears repeating.

These are just some of my best guesses based on what I read rather quickly this morning, so please take them with a grain of salt if necessary.

(in reply to PuNkYkAt)

Post #: 26

RE: Thoughts? - 9/28/2008 11:51:09 AM

JewAndCelt

Posts: 110
Joined: 8/23/2008
From: Arkansas
Status: offline

To the OP...

Books are a great idea. I'd introduce him to this site and the forums, albeit with caution (and the warning to disbelieve roughly 50% of the contents herein).

Above all, have patience; to spring into action without a well-thought-out plan is inviting nothing but failure and confusion. None of this comes to anyone overnight.

Talk to him; point him in the direction of others who are willing to talk and help. Give him time to think about this role.

_____________________________

Maturity is patience. Mastery is nine times patience.

!!!!!!כי לא נולד הבן זונה שיעצור את ישראל

(in reply to Jeptha)

Post #: 27

RE: Thoughts? - 9/28/2008 5:12:02 PM

tweedydaddy

Posts: 673
Joined: 9/1/2008
Status: offline

You can't make a vanilla man into a Dom, or a sub, any more than you could make him Gay, or a good dancer, or an astronaut. Don't even go there.
If you can't live without Ds then find a discreet playmate and stick to false names then you don't have to worry about anything following you home.
It's not being dishonest, it's sparing his feelings. He can have a perfect relationship with you and have no idea. If your consience bothers you, don't fuck your dom, or better yet, go with a Domme, then you can say I've not touched another man, on a lie detector, should you feel the need to. Sorry to be honest.

(in reply to PuNkYkAt)

Post #: 28

RE: Thoughts? - 9/28/2008 6:19:54 PM

NewlySingle329

Posts: 39
Joined: 9/14/2008
Status: offline

Punkykat: my suggestion is to pick a few things that REALLY matter to you (i.e. talking dirty to you, sexual positions, spanking, etc) and share those with him. Saying "I want you to dominate me" is too vague and too hard to take on all at once. I found a great checklist on bondage.com that gets into some really specific activities and makes you think about what you really want. Then take a few off that list and share them with him. Perhaps search for a movie that incorporates what you like? Keep an open mind and as some of the other posters have said - you really are lucky he wants to do this to make you happy. Best of luck. ~MN329

(in reply to tweedydaddy)

Post #: 29

RE: Thoughts? - 9/29/2008 2:25:07 AM

PuNkYkAt

Posts: 30
Joined: 8/23/2008
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Um, no, i think you misunderstood. He enjoys it....he just felt bad when he lightly slapped me. Once i explained he laughed and was like "oh, i get it"

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 30

RE: Thoughts? - 9/29/2008 2:28:00 AM

PuNkYkAt

Posts: 30
Joined: 8/23/2008
Status: offline

Oh my god! Thank you....you hit the nail on the head!!! :)

(in reply to persephonee)

Post #: 31

RE: Thoughts? - 9/29/2008 2:29:01 AM

PuNkYkAt

Posts: 30
Joined: 8/23/2008
Status: offline

thank you very much! I really appreciate that!

(in reply to simpleplan2)

Post #: 32

RE: Thoughts? - 9/29/2008 2:29:57 AM

jeffman1234

Posts: 61
Joined: 6/11/2004
Status: offline

Maybe to start you could make it like any other sexy role playing game. You would need a lot of communication to explane what you want.

(in reply to PuNkYkAt)

Post #: 33

RE: Thoughts? - 9/29/2008 2:30:13 AM

PuNkYkAt

Posts: 30
Joined: 8/23/2008
Status: offline

It's so funny, i was trying to remember the names of those 2 books...hehe.
So THANK YOU! You're a life-saver :)

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 34

RE: Thoughts? - 9/29/2008 2:31:31 AM

PuNkYkAt

Posts: 30
Joined: 8/23/2008
Status: offline

i just wanna say that it really helped me-you being so open...i feel a whole lot less alone :)

(in reply to sunshinedreams)

Post #: 35

RE: Thoughts? - 9/29/2008 2:34:13 AM

PuNkYkAt

Posts: 30
Joined: 8/23/2008
Status: offline

I really want to thank you...you were so kind in your response. and to the 1st part....you were 100% correct. Also, i think you are very right about the 2nd part...i think that's what i'll try. :)
Thank you sooooooooo much

(in reply to marieToo)

Post #: 36

RE: Thoughts? - 9/29/2008 2:35:34 AM

PuNkYkAt

Posts: 30
Joined: 8/23/2008
Status: offline

wow, that's great advice! Thank you :)

(in reply to tsatske)

Post #: 37

RE: Thoughts? - 9/29/2008 2:36:57 AM

PuNkYkAt

Posts: 30
Joined: 8/23/2008
Status: offline

thanks...although I am quite aware of that :)

(in reply to leadership527)

Post #: 38

RE: Thoughts? - 9/29/2008 2:45:18 AM

PuNkYkAt

Posts: 30
Joined: 8/23/2008
Status: offline

To those of you who had wonderful, kind, sincere advice i want to thank you from the bottom of my heart....
as an update, things are great...i explained the books, movies, etc. and he is reading!!! Understand that he is and always has been like a "natural" now, he's seeing that there are fun ways to explore his domineering side. He is very excited! Of course, i am, too! Bascially, i worked up the nerve to show him everything (thanks to all your support/advice)...and our relationship is growing more than i think he ever expected.

Hugs and Kisses....and many thanks,
~punky~ @~>~>~~~~~

(in reply to PuNkYkAt)

Post #: 39

RE: Thoughts? - 9/29/2008 3:03:41 AM

joannaloveslave

Posts: 7
Joined: 5/2/2008
From: manila
Status: offline

i remember doing the same to my first boyfriend and he dumped me for being "too wild"... it sucks because all my folks love him and went anal at me for letting him go away

i hope yours isn't so bad

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You obstinate wench! Do you seriously think that you can thwart the D'Arcy's!?

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Post #: 40

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