Thoughts?

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

Thoughts?

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Thoughts?

Page: [1] 2 3 next > >>

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

Thoughts? - 9/25/2008 1:55:58 AM

PuNkYkAt

Posts: 30
Joined: 8/23/2008
Status: offline

Hello and greetings A/all,

Ok, so i am seeking some advice about my current relationship. i have a great man who cares about me, however, he is VERY vanilla.

Now, long before i met him i was in the lifestyle-totally sub, right? Well, we have a decent sex life-(he has issues due to being diabetic since age 5, and kidney transplant)
But, i feel like i'm not quite fulfilled.
i feel like a big part of me is empty.

So, i tried to explain all this to him, tried to explain the lifestyle....he said, "ok, cool, i will try to be that person for you."

Sadly, he just didn't get it. He pretty much just cursed at me, and lightly slapped my face! (To which i just giggled inside)--He never hurt me for the record. Matter of fact, he just felt really bad.
Anyway, my question is this....he is still very interested, and wants to try...but i wonder...can someone SO vanilla become a Dom? Or even a reasonable facsimile?

Thank Y/you all in advance for any/all advice!

~punky~

~*"Woman Is The Devil, God Is A Fraud"*~
OTEP

Post #: 1

RE: Thoughts? - 9/25/2008 2:05:13 AM

E2Sweet

Posts: 649
Joined: 7/8/2008
From: TopLeftCornerOf, OH, USA
Status: offline

I'll have to sleep on this one as I'm headed off here for the night, and maybe I'll stop back in tomorrow and post again with something more substantial...

All I can say off the top of my head is that, without that fire in his belly, or him having a very take-charge personality, I don't see an extremely vanilla guy becoming a skilled and confident dominant partner. I've never seen it or heard of it in conversation in my 9+ years of being into this... I won't go so far as to say it's impossible though... I'll say improbable.

_____________________________

E2Sweet™
"If it doesn't make you smile then chances are you're not doing it right."

(in reply to PuNkYkAt)

Post #: 2

RE: Thoughts? - 9/25/2008 2:05:24 AM

RCdc

Posts: 8674
Status: offline

Your post is a bit vague - do you want someone to dominate you or top you?
Do you go to clubs? Has he seen shit in action? What is it you are after?
Books, go out and mingle with other couples and let him see how the interaction works.

the.dark.

_____________________________

RC&dc

love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to PuNkYkAt)

Post #: 3

RE: Thoughts? - 9/25/2008 2:22:53 AM

angelslave77

Posts: 478
Joined: 5/14/2007
Status: offline

Punky from my expierence only the advice I would give is walk away, if submissivness is pat of your nature and you feel empty when it is unfulfilled and he doesnt have it in him to be a dominant or even a top then you will struggle. You will continually supress a part of yourself and justify it by saying but I love him and he loves me but it wont ever be right. Then one day you will wake up and realise you have both thrown away a big part of your lives on something that was never going to be.

I have lived it, it wasnt fun, and the trainwreck at the end wasnt pretty, it hurt a lot of people and took a lot of work to claw my way back to being ok let alone happy.

(in reply to RCdc)

Post #: 4

RE: Thoughts? - 9/25/2008 2:28:07 AM

PuNkYkAt

Posts: 30
Joined: 8/23/2008
Status: offline

Alright, well, i apologize if my post seemed to be "vague"--
i would like to be dominated. What i am looking for is to be the person i know i am inside.
i have been in the lifestyle for about 6 yrs. and as i stated, i have tried to explain to him....however, with his diabetes it makes it difficult to do the club scene.

i will say that "Books"...could be a great idea! As a matter of fact that triggered me into thinking perhaps movies, also?

Thank You-the.dark.

(in reply to RCdc)

Post #: 5

RE: Thoughts? - 9/25/2008 2:33:55 AM

PuNkYkAt

Posts: 30
Joined: 8/23/2008
Status: offline

i totally appreciate what you're saying angelslave77, but this is completely different...
He will do this for me....it's more a matter of know-how i suppose. :)
i think he needs to be more exposed to the whole thing. i mean, he says it really interests him.
i guess i just started going about this all wrong!

By the way angelslave-i really feel for you...i have been there as well. i hope you are doing well now!

~punky~

(in reply to angelslave77)

Post #: 6

RE: Thoughts? - 9/25/2008 2:40:15 AM

angelslave77

Posts: 478
Joined: 5/14/2007
Status: offline

Ok so he wants to, that makes all the difference then...I misread my bad...sorry.

In that case definately books, forums, maybe making friends with another couple who can mentor you (I am not talking swinging here)

And I am doing great now thanks, I have a Dom I adore who has made my whole world perfect

(in reply to PuNkYkAt)

Post #: 7

RE: Thoughts? - 9/25/2008 2:43:20 AM

julietsierra

Posts: 1841
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline

I'm not sure I understand this. Why does his diabetes interfere with him being involved with "the club scene?"

I have a friend who is diabetic. He tests himself, does his insulin injections, brings his sugar free maple syrup with him when he goes places over night so he can have his favorite pancakes for breakfast the next day. He's a bottom and pretty involved in "the club scene" here. He doesn't allow his diabetes to control him. He has made himself knowledgable of his situation and is diligent in the application of what he needs to maintain his health. He controls his diabetes.

So, while I obviously don't know your boyfriend's situation and I'm not all that knowledgable about the ins and outs of diabetes, from what I can see, it doesn't HAVE to be a curtailment to you and your boyfriend's activities. Could you explain why he can't do "the club scene" because of diabetes?

juliet

(in reply to PuNkYkAt)

Post #: 8

RE: Thoughts? - 9/25/2008 2:47:10 AM

RumpusParable

Posts: 1923
Joined: 7/7/2005
From: NYC now!
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: PuNkYkAt

Yes, it's possible. Whether or not he will become "a dom" is another matter. Possible surely doesn't equal will.

Then, there's still the issue of whether, if he becomes "a dom" if the dominant man he becomes will be at all compatible with what you need. He may be dominant inside and have it come out... and not at all be a dom that fits you at all, you two STILL may be completely mismatched in styles.

I hope it works out well for you both.

< Message edited by RumpusParable -- 9/25/2008 2:49:49 AM >

_____________________________

Relationships come and go, but plastination is forever.

I generally use fast-reply. If directing my post at someone specific I will indicate so.

Minimal summary: Artist, Disabled Veteran, Vegan, Pornographer, and Agender dominant female.

(in reply to PuNkYkAt)

Post #: 9

RE: Thoughts? - 9/25/2008 2:54:47 AM

PuNkYkAt

Posts: 30
Joined: 8/23/2008
Status: offline

Fair enough....i get what you're saying, and it is appreciated.
Honestly, he could be my type of "Dom"....you made a good point actually-i truly believe it just needs to come out...he already has certain qualities that i have seen in him.

i feel i have made this so complicated....i really apologize!

(in reply to RumpusParable)

Post #: 10

RE: Thoughts? - 9/25/2008 2:58:48 AM

simpleplan2

Posts: 461
Joined: 7/5/2008
Status: offline

Well, it seems to me you've got to define, for him, what your definition of domination is. Not every dom is into bdsm. Domination, in its strictest sense, does not necessarily include any thing physical. What I mean is, he can dominate you without adding elements of bdsm. Now, if you want bdsm, you have to tell him so.

(in reply to PuNkYkAt)

Post #: 11

RE: Thoughts? - 9/25/2008 3:01:57 AM

PuNkYkAt

Posts: 30
Joined: 8/23/2008
Status: offline

Like i said he's been diabetic since 5yrs. old AND he had a kidney transplant like, 3 yrs. ago....so, really i'm glad your friend can do those things...that's really awesome!
But, in his case it just takes everything out of him. He is on a TON of anti-rejection meds that just make him weak at times.

Honestly, i'm starting to feel bad i even asked this question.
i feel like people are getting mad....
THAT was never my intention.

(in reply to julietsierra)

Post #: 12

RE: Thoughts? - 9/25/2008 3:04:18 AM

PuNkYkAt

Posts: 30
Joined: 8/23/2008
Status: offline

That's a really good point!
Wow...i think you just helped me to have an epiphany!!!
Thank you so much! :)

(in reply to simpleplan2)

Post #: 13

RE: Thoughts? - 9/25/2008 3:09:10 AM

PuNkYkAt

Posts: 30
Joined: 8/23/2008
Status: offline

Seriously want to thank everyone so far!
i'm off to bed, will check in tomorrow....have a good night A/all!!!!

~punky~

(in reply to PuNkYkAt)

Post #: 14

RE: Thoughts? - 9/25/2008 3:22:01 AM

simpleplan2

Posts: 461
Joined: 7/5/2008
Status: offline

Nah, don't feel badly. Just get clear in your mind what it is you want and explain it to him. I sometimes think that we need to understand what we want because we so often don't do that. If he's new to D/s, he prolly doesn't have a clue and I think you might need to be very specific at first. Go slowly and enjoy yourselves. Some things will work and some won't. It's like that in every relationship. Just don't expect an insty-dom. And if he has some health problems, take it easy on the guy, ok? He needs to enjoy what he's doing too. :) Good Luck!

(in reply to PuNkYkAt)

Post #: 15

RE: Thoughts? - 9/25/2008 3:40:40 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Do you want him to be in charge in life or do you need him to become a sadist? Because people can be take charge types and still not be sadistic.

As far as how to get it if he's interested? The Loving Dominant, S & M 101, Screw the Roses etc. Give him the names of these and other beginner books. Let him read them and see if it makes a difference to his thinking processes.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to simpleplan2)

Post #: 16

RE: Thoughts? - 9/25/2008 4:18:53 AM

ChampagneMojito

Posts: 77
Joined: 4/8/2008
From: UK
Status: offline

Just a quick one. I know there are a lot of good educational type books, 'The Loving Dominant' etc, (others will have better examples or use the search function above), but don't forget that this stuff is supposed to be fun. If there's any erotic fiction or porn images you find hot, perhaps you could share some of the milder stuff with him as a starter.

Oh, and I know people differ on their views of the film Secretary with James Spader and Maggie Gyllenhall, but I think it is one of the most erotic, hot, arousing films of all time, and a good, tongue-in-cheek intro to lifestyle BDSM rather than an 'I'll spank you once a week as part of our sex life' approach.

Wishing you well.

Edit to add: I would, however, share the reservations of some of the posters above if he doesn't show a lot of interest despite giving him relevent materials. He can't 'fake' this for you, though a latent interest can blossom and grow. Good luck .

< Message edited by ChampagneMojito -- 9/25/2008 4:21:13 AM >

_____________________________

I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naïve or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman. ~Anaïs Nin

(in reply to PuNkYkAt)

Post #: 17

RE: Thoughts? - 9/25/2008 5:02:34 AM

mistoferin

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline

Okay, maybe I just haven't had enough coffee yet.....

So you're dating this guy that you describe as SO vanilla. You want something else so you talked to him. He wants to make you happy so he tried it for you. It made him feel really bad.

So you want someone to pretend to be someone that they are obviously not so that they can make you happy....and then you want to call it dominance and submission? I see a couple of problems with that....

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to PuNkYkAt)

Post #: 18

RE: Thoughts? - 9/25/2008 5:20:15 AM

sunshinedreams

Posts: 181
Joined: 1/22/2008
Status: offline

I was wodering the same thing a while back. My vanilla man was great and I really trusted him. So I just opened up and told him about my submissive nature, some of the kinky things I was interested in, and how I think he would make a great dom. It has gone very slowly (but been very fun every bit of the way), but by showing my submissive side and being truly honest about my needs, he has become that wonderful dom that I knew he could (and he loves it more than he ever thought he would). Now, he is still not much of a sadist, but that seems to be changing too. But don't expect overnight sucess. Enjoy the journey that you both are on.
And I found reading some of the older posts about this same thing most helpful.

(in reply to ChampagneMojito)

Post #: 19

RE: Thoughts? - 9/25/2008 5:28:46 AM

persephonee

Posts: 5089
Joined: 12/15/2007
Status: offline

~FR~
erin, i dont think that she necessarily wants to force anything...she stated that he wanted to look into it, but their first foray was a touch...well...not good...the first time i do almost anything that doesnt come naturally(or hasnt been done yet)...things dont always go smoothly.
Lets assume for a minute that she knows her man and sees at least a touch of potential...plus shes new so she may not have the language down to express herself in a clear way using the most clear vocabulary as to what she wants...
The most frustrating thing for me coming into wiitwd was getting the language down...i felt as tho i had been dropped off in France and had no way of communicating save some 8th grade phrases...i got mocked by subs...never Masters (altho, mocking the new meat is never a good idea-new to this/not new to life)
Point being, minus the french vanilla caffeine that i cant infuse fast enough into my system, that her motives here may just be to make herself happier in her otherwise good relationship.

OP
i suggest that you focus more on service Top...and dont listen to any mocking of that term...sweetest, most intelligent man i know hands down...would Top me til he was a sweaty blistered mess....but hes just not overpoweringly dominnant in other areas...in the way that i feel like i need. He has all the accutrements...leather, toys, motorcycle, dom job, blahblahblah....would tattoo and pierce the hell outta me if i flew back home...but doesnt get his rocks off to id as dom....oh well....he can wield a flogger and pull some hair...say all kinds of shit in this girls ear...best guy ever...just not a dom.
Service Top....

peace and pleather
perse

_____________________________

You be the Captain; i'll be no one.

And You can carry me away....if You want to. ~Kasey Chambers

E*Whore, extraordinaire....

Nothing is exactly as it seems~Nor, is it otherwise.

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 20

Page: [1] 2 3 next > >>

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Thoughts?

Page: [1] 2 3 next > >>

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.094