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RE: Friend or Foe - 8/27/2008 3:37:30 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		I admit to being on the defensive with some people I meet but only because they came across to me as belittling, treating me as their slave right from the start, treating all women as some naive little dumb thing and they just rubbed me the wrong way.

Could it be you're simply rubbing them the wrong way? Have you stopped to ask yourself what exactly you might be doing that is making them that way towards you? I'm not saying it's all your fault but ya know....sometimes we  have to ask ourselves why we seem to attract the same things time after time.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Friend or Foe - 8/27/2008 3:42:13 PM   
MadRabbit


Posts: 3460
Joined: 8/9/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

Could it be you're simply rubbing them the wrong way? Have you stopped to ask yourself what exactly you might be doing that is making them that way towards you? I'm not saying it's all your fault but ya know....sometimes we  have to ask ourselves why we seem to attract the same things time after time.



Of course. I'm pretty self aware and self analytical after something bad happens as well as really quick to own up to my contribution to it. I can't honestly think of anything I did different than with all the other girls I had positive experiences with.



_____________________________

Advice for New Dominants
The Unpolitically Correct Lifestyle Definitions

Obama is NOT the Messiah! He's just a VERY NAUGHTY BOY

(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Friend or Foe - 8/27/2008 3:44:57 PM   
silkncarol


Posts: 318
Status: offline 		I do try to always treat people with respect...but i'll own to this behavior towards a dominant. I can't speak for anyone else why they might demonstrate this behavior but mine was done towards a dom i had no respect for...one of those "full of themselves", "on your knees", "chest thumping" idiots we've all run across at one time or another.  Certainly not my brightest moment, all i accomplished was treating him the way i had resented being treated....... live and learn.....Now if someone is irritating me, i just ignore them...silence does speak volumns.

quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit

For the submissives out there, if you have done this before, why did you do it? Just being a brat? Insecurity? An attempt to test and make the dominant "prove" themselves to you?



_____________________________

We attract hearts by the qualities we display. We retain them by the qualities we possess.

Shoes can change your life................. Cinderella

(in reply to MadRabbit)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Friend or Foe - 8/27/2008 4:32:25 PM   
subtee


Posts: 5133
Joined: 7/26/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

In my experience, the vast majority of people treat a relationship as a competition where the goal is to get the most out of the relationship for the minimum investment.  As soon as it becomes a competition, then aggressive behavior becomes just one more strategy.


This is revelatory to me; I've never thought about it this way. Really? People think this?


_____________________________

Don't believe everything you think...

(in reply to leadership527)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Friend or Foe - 8/27/2008 4:38:54 PM   
yourMissTress


Posts: 1665
Joined: 6/14/2005
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit

I've had the pleasure (and sometimes not so much) of meeting and getting to know roughly 20 something women in the last 2 years. Among those 20, 3 of them demonstrated the same kind of behavior of being overly hostile toward me and treating me like some kind of enemy or threat to them.

They would be overly argumentative, aggressive in their communication style as if to put me on the defensive, respond defensively and closemindedly to anything I said that slightly disagreed with their opinions, unnecessarily difficult, and constantly challenging.

Now from where I sit, such hostility is just a bad way to start off any relationship and even more so when you are supposedly interested in submitting, obeying, and being pleasing to a person. Personally, in all three cases, I was pretty quick to become turned off and lose interest.

The fact that I have had this happen more than once shows that it's not solely a secluded issue.

For the submissives out there, if you have done this before, why did you do it? Just being a brat? Insecurity? An attempt to test and make the dominant "prove" themselves to you?

For the dominants, have you encountered this behavior? How did you handle it? Did you find it to be attractive or a turn off?


Yes, I have seen and experienced it.  It turns me off, totally.  But after experiencing it for the 2nd time, I asked the person what the problem was.  I asked the 3rd person, I got the same answer.  Now I know that this isn't everyone's reasoning, but it makes sense to me.

Some s types have a difficult time being assertive.  They don't want to appear to be a doormat, so they go over and above to appear not to be.  This has the chance of coming off as rude, argumentative or bratty.  But it boils down to the inability to express themselves as they would like to.

Some just want to make sure you know that YOU ARE NOT THEIR DOM/ME YET and the only way they know to do it is be a brat.  And my response is usually, "and I won't be, buh bye".


< Message edited by yourMissTress -- 8/27/2008 4:40:12 PM >

_____________________________

Tress


"If you have to tell people that you are a lady, you are not." My Grandmother


(in reply to MadRabbit)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Friend or Foe - 8/27/2008 4:43:56 PM   
Lashra


Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline 		I have had similar experiences with subs of both genders. These types of subs, so it seems to be, appear to be challenging so that the Dominant may "break" them. This seems to be a hot fantasy for them, however I have no desire to "break" someone. The sub for me is the one who truly desires to be Mine and that means being obedient and pleasing, not challenging in a very negative way.

~Lashra


_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”






(in reply to MadRabbit)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Friend or Foe - 8/27/2008 4:47:50 PM   
CallaFirestormBW


Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline 		I've encountered it -- amazingly enough from submissive men who spend an entire email telling me how much they hate women (but how they'll be happy to serve me, if I can prove that I am stronger than their hatred).

My response is "why bother?" -- on both ends. Why would they bother contacting me if they hold women in such disdain, and why would I even consider entering a relationship with a person who has already, by word or deed, indicated that he is ill tempered and ill-mannered?

Of course, these same "gentlemen" often write me a couple of days later to let me know how rude I am and how typical I am for not accepting their generous offer, reminding me once again about why I turned them down in the first place.

Calla Firestorm

_____________________________

***
Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

"Your mind is more interested in the challenge of becoming than the challenge of doing." Jon Benson, Bodybuilder/Trainer

(in reply to MadRabbit)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Friend or Foe - 8/27/2008 5:01:45 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Dude you are on a serious "the world sucks" tear here recently.  How about turning that a bit more INWARD- what about YOU attracts and incites those sorts of reactions to such an extent?

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Friend or Foe - 8/27/2008 5:08:00 PM   
MadRabbit


Posts: 3460
Joined: 8/9/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Dude you are on a serious "the world sucks" tear here recently. 


Ok...

_____________________________

Advice for New Dominants
The Unpolitically Correct Lifestyle Definitions

Obama is NOT the Messiah! He's just a VERY NAUGHTY BOY

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Friend or Foe - 8/27/2008 6:34:18 PM   
blacksword404


Posts: 2068
Joined: 1/4/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit

quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527
In my experience, the vast majority of people treat a relationship as a competition where the goal is to get the most out of the relationship for the minimum investment.   


Yeah, no shit. 

quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527
Who knows, perhaps the "subs" in question feel that they were demonstrating that they weren't doormats with their assertive behavior? 


In one case, I would probably say so. After I made it clear she needed to "Shape Up or Ship Out", she chilled out a lot, became more doctile, and we had a pretty good time after that.


Well some of us have a sort of presence that follows us. Broadcasting who you are. She may be reacting to that out of fear. Even though she wants a dom, she still may fear you actually doing it.


_____________________________

Don't fight him. Embrace your inner asshole.

Tu fellas magnus penum meum...iterum

Genuine catnip/kryptonite.
Ego sum erus.

The capacity to learn is a gift, the ability to learn a skill, the willingness to learn a choice. Dune HH

(in reply to MadRabbit)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Friend or Foe - 8/27/2008 7:01:54 PM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

For the submissives out there, if you have done this before, why did you do it? Just being a brat? Insecurity? An attempt to test and make the dominant "prove" themselves to you?

Why do/did I do it? Because I am not the 'simpering', nice as pie, gushing, little girl who does not know her own mind. I am blunt, to the point, sometimes rude...ok, almost always rude , opinionated, stubborn...and just downright contrary at times.
I am not like this because I am testing someone; I am not like this because I am a brat, I am not insecure, nor do I need to prove myself to anyone. I am like this because this is ME and I see no reason to try and hide it.

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.


(in reply to MadRabbit)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Friend or Foe - 8/27/2008 7:03:48 PM   
flower2007


Posts: 120
Joined: 4/14/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit
For the submissives out there, if you have done this before, why did you do it? Just being a brat? Insecurity? An attempt to test and make the dominant "prove" themselves to you?



I've become defensive and rather agressive when replying to emails from people who clearly are not what I'm looking for.  I'm polite the first time.  If you insist on contacting me and being borderline creepy, or try to convince me my views are wrong, yes, I get defensive.  I'm not supposed to be submitting to the first person who comes along who is interested.

I've never been like that with someone I was actually in a relationship or potential relationship with.

(in reply to MadRabbit)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Friend or Foe - 8/27/2008 8:12:57 PM   
marieToo


Posts: 3595
Joined: 5/21/2006
From: Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit

For the submissives out there, if you have done this before, why did you do it? Just being a brat? Insecurity? An attempt to test and make the dominant "prove" themselves to you?



In my case, none of the above.

I've turned hostile on one or two doms in the beginning stages of talking. 

This might sound kind of dramatic, but I am very cautious about who I give my submission to, and I tend to protect my submission the way a mother bear would protect a cub.  When the chemistry is right, the evolution takes place rather naturally and without any major strain.  But when I don't feel submissive to a man,and I realize he is trying to wrangle my submission from me like I'm a conquest, I will automatically repel his advances.  If he doesn't take the clue-by-four when it's gently waved past him, and he continues to turn up the chest-thumping and brow-beating, I'll get defensive.

Primarily it's really a chemisty issue.  Secondarily, and why I turn hostile, is that the guy continues to try and take something from me that I clearly don't want to give him.  What ultimately causes me to become a hostile bitch, is his attempts to manipulate, manuever, and out-smart me. It doesn't take long to spot this type, and I'll high-tail it out of there, but not before I let the guy know that I was perceptive enough to see through his game. 

Other times, if there's no chemistry, there's just no chemistry, and no reason to become hostile.  It has only happened to me with the typical chest thumper types. And like what LA said (god help me) I look to myself to make sure I don't continue to attract those types, and I've gotten very adept at recognizing them from afar.

I'm not saying this is what you have done, or this is who you are, I'm just saying this has been the case for me.

_____________________________

marie.


I give good agita.









(in reply to MadRabbit)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Friend or Foe - 8/27/2008 8:20:03 PM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit

For the submissives out there, if you have done this before, why did you do it? Just being a brat? Insecurity? An attempt to test and make the dominant "prove" themselves to you?


Nah. My one and only test remains asking them to buy me a box of tampons and a Playboy.

More seriously I'm not a big fan of artifical testing. I feel that the course of a relationship, even when there isn't a relationship to speak of, usually provides it's own tests.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to MadRabbit)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Friend or Foe - 8/27/2008 8:52:10 PM   
catize


Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: offline 		Only 3 out of 20?  Those are pretty great stats compared to my experience from the other side.
The possible reasons are endless:
So they weren’t into you and had sucky social skills and acted out rather than just saying it.
They weren’t into you but made you reject them so it wasn’t their fault.
They were out to prove no man is going to impress them.
All or none of the above.
Only they know for sure, and that depends on if they have a modicum of insight.

< Message edited by catize -- 8/27/2008 8:53:20 PM >

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

(in reply to MadRabbit)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Friend or Foe - 8/27/2008 9:30:40 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		I've had that happen twice, in online interchanges.

One was a woman whose profile stated that she was curious about the lifestyle and thought she might be submissive.  I contacted her and in her responding email she typed in all caps.  I politely told her that that was a faux pas and asked her to type in upper and lowercase.  She then (in all uppercase) told me that she typed that way at work and wouldn't change for me.  She told me that I was a control freak and she could tell one a mile off.

I could have explained to her that yes, I in fact WAS a Dom, but decided that my time could be better spent elsewhere.


_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to catize)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Friend or Foe - 8/27/2008 9:36:14 PM   
charlotteS


Posts: 203
Joined: 3/9/2008
Status: offline 		The times I've responded that way usually followed a string of interactions in which I felt the guy was too pushy and I didn't stand up for myself well enough so I tried to stand up for myself didn't really know how to do it well so ended up overcompensating.  I respond to most people with a "what can I do to make them happy" attitude and when that backfires I try to be more assertive but it is so unnatural for me that I end up coming off too strong. 

This may not be true for everyone but that is why I (a normally very polite and kind person) have responded in the way you described.

charlotte

< Message edited by charlotteS -- 8/27/2008 9:41:26 PM >

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"When you are your freest self, who are you?" Jack Rinella


(in reply to catize)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Friend or Foe - 8/27/2008 9:46:59 PM   
girlivy


Posts: 699
Joined: 7/6/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Dude you are on a serious "the world sucks" tear here recently.  How about turning that a bit more INWARD- what about YOU attracts and incites those sorts of reactions to such an extent?

If someone else didn;t type this I was going to.... Laws of attraction. Please no offence ment, just a thought :)  Actuially, as an after thought, what in this type of chick you are meeting attracts you to her? If there is a "Pattern" one has to look at the designer...

< Message edited by girlivy -- 8/27/2008 10:07:34 PM >

_____________________________

AUTHENTIC SPIRITUAL GROWTH NEVER COMES FROM EXPERIENCES THAT THE EGO CAN PREDICT OR CONTROL.
OUR SPIRIT HAS ITS OWN AGENDA: OUR DESTINY.
Be yourself, everyone else is taken!

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Friend or Foe - 8/27/2008 10:24:07 PM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline 		When I meet people who are from the start aggressive and agumentive with me I, rather than enter a verbal combat with them, state that they have already proved that they are not worthy of being my friend and unless they have the gunption to agree to disdagree on points in which we differ, they are not worthy of being an associate and thus unless they continue to attack me in any way, I shall not recognise them and place them min the class of "nebish" or non entity. if they choose to continue to attack me and thus have declared war on me and  I shall in my own way retaliate untill they run for cover licking their wounds and hoping to repair their seriously dammaged reputation. 

IB
(The incorrigible, irrepressible and irreverent Bear)

(in reply to MadRabbit)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Friend or Foe - 8/27/2008 11:06:15 PM   
MasterWilliam55


Posts: 361
Joined: 1/27/2006
Status: offline 		I would not normally respond to a post of this sort, but for the sake of new people to the lifestyle I will. First, in "real life" no submissive in my world has ever treated me with any disrespect, nor I them. If she decided I was not the kind of Dominant she was seeking, we parted company in a dignified manner. If it was on-line, leading towards a real relationship, any reasonably intelligent person would know within the first few e-mails whether or not the relationship would work. I know, I've been there.

After 10 years on-line and 20 more before that in the real-life community, I've never met a submissive who was disrespectful to me or I to her. Yes, a very few have suddenly "disappeared", and this was rude, but non have "attacked" me or shown any lack of civility. Most though would simply say "nice to meet you, Good bye", or I to them.

Do most of you live in some sort of fantasy, looking for the perfect Dom or sub? When you find a potential candidate do you "shit" on them, and if so...why?  I would like to think you treat them seriously and if they don't work out, you take a pass trying to keep the dignity of both in-tact.

Bitterness leads many people into exagerating their "issues". I doubt the sincerity of the OP's issue and many of the responses. Life and people just don't work this way.














(in reply to girlivy)
Profile   Post #: 40
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