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Fantasy island? - 8/26/2008 10:06:44 PM   
Leatherist


Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline 		Ever seen,or been someone so entrenched in a fantasy that you basically sabotoged your own chances?

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RE: Fantasy island? - 8/26/2008 10:12:00 PM   
urlittleprincess


Posts: 149
Joined: 12/18/2007
Status: offline 		yes...got so caught up in being His sub that i didn't realize i was also His partner...i worried more about wanting things to be perfect than living in the moment...<sigh>

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RE: Fantasy island? - 8/26/2008 10:23:25 PM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		I think this happens in many situations in life, but especially in personal relationships. Been there, done that...and been the object of that.

Master Fire


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RE: Fantasy island? - 8/26/2008 10:27:04 PM   
Leatherist


Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline 		I have found that carrying around an unrealistic "archetype" in my head was probably the most idiotic thing I have accomplished in life.

It's pretty much like sticking your head in the sand.

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RE: Fantasy island? - 8/27/2008 12:11:07 AM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		Yeah, pretty much. But, archetypes can be useful once you know they're there. Now you know what personal behaviors to be on the look for. I constantly say, "I do not have to help/rescue that person," or, "50 other people have given the same advice...I do not have to be 51."

You might be interested in Caroline Myss' archetype work. She feels we each have four 'survival' archetypes that, while they usually have a negative connotation, are extremely important tools when we know about them and can work with them. They are the Child, the Prostitute, the Victim and the Saboteur. http://www.myss.com/library/contracts/four_archs.asp

Master Fire

edited to spell my own damned name right!


< Message edited by MasterFireMaam -- 8/27/2008 12:13:02 AM >

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

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RE: Fantasy island? - 8/27/2008 12:30:50 AM   
myotherself


Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline 		***FR***

As someone is looking for a Dom, I can tell you now that I've encountered more than a few who are so fixed in their fantasies that they may never find someone!  If there's no room to compromise or grow in a relationship, then it's never going to work, IMHO.  Still, I just keep looking until I find someone who wants us to build our fantasy together...



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RE: Fantasy island? - 8/27/2008 12:38:44 AM   
suhlut


Posts: 622
Joined: 7/20/2007
Status: offline 		De plane! de plane! de plane.. boss! de plane!

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RE: Fantasy island? - 8/27/2008 4:12:54 AM   
WhiplashSmile2


Posts: 526
Joined: 6/11/2008
Status: offline 		I have a few girls that were having issues with their own fantasies go poof on me a few times.  Basically, not knowing if they really wanted to go for it for real or not.

I try to not get so entrenched in my own fantasies that it screws things up.  I've been being honest about some of my fantasies, amazing thing that some people have these same fantasies and uncertainty in making them reality.

Seriously, I rejected the notions of stereotypes a long time ago, so I've not fell into the trappings of being a certain type.

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RE: Fantasy island? - 8/27/2008 5:24:19 AM   
Padriag


Posts: 2633
Joined: 3/30/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist

Ever seen,or been someone so entrenched in a fantasy that you basically sabotoged your own chances?

About 95% of the profiles I read here fall into this category.  Also had an experience with a submissive recently where this was basically the case (though I'm not sure if even now she realizes this).  

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A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

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RE: Fantasy island? - 8/27/2008 5:25:05 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		I had a sub once with an abduction fantasy.  I was separated at the time and short of cash and living in a basement apartment with no separate entrance.  So I got a local Dom with a house and attached garage to agree to "host" the fantasy.  He kept hinting that a gangbang would make the fantasy realer for her.

While I was still working out the logistics, said sub dumped me for said Dom.  Yeah, that sabotaged my chances!


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RE: Fantasy island? - 8/27/2008 6:03:56 AM   
oceanwynds


Posts: 1044
Joined: 8/24/2006
Status: offline 		Hello MasterFireMaam
i been studying Caroline Myss for the past 3 years and her material has helped me immensely i watching my archetypes play out in my relationship. Highly recommend all her material to anyone.

Being in the mists of fantasy is something i have experienced myself Leatherist. Am grateful i could see that and work myself through a lot of it.

oceanwynds

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RE: Fantasy island? - 8/27/2008 6:46:53 AM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		I have discovered too late that I was the *object* of a fantasy, and that the person was responding to his IDEA of me, not the me that was in front of him.  I'm pretty alert to that kind of thing now!

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RE: Fantasy island? - 8/27/2008 7:59:39 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist
Ever seen,or been someone so entrenched in a fantasy that you basically sabotaged your own chances?


Most definitely, it happed to each of us before we met and it's still occurring. We've had so many contact us and proclaim they want to join us, or do something. It is why we don't have expectations from any internet contact. When it doesn't happen we're not disappointed; if people actually come through it is a pleasant surprise. It's much easier, and often accurate, not to expect anything.

We like to get to that point quickly. If someone says they want to meet, join us going to a club, or do something, we say "GREAT!"; and provide a range of places where they should, if they were not playing out a fantasy, be comfortable. We also provide our phone number and direct contact information. In other words we try to remove all the barriers and reasonable concerns. Our 'success' rate for meeting, or people coming through as promised, is about 10%.

The majority of the time, they have no intent to back up how they represent themselves over the internet. They are living a fantasy. Their goal was to involve us, most often just beth, into some kind of cyber-play.

That's the key to avoiding being stuck on someone's 'Fantasy Island', get off the computer, and/or take away from your side reasons why they claim they can't do what they claim they want to do for/with you. Avoid at all costs, being non-consensually involved in someone's internet one handed web surfing fantasy. Don't start cybering unless that's something you enjoy. Don't expect or anyone to do, or be, what they say they are in their profile or their email. Then - sit back and enjoy the rare exceptions and surprises.

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RE: Fantasy island? - 8/27/2008 8:04:23 AM   
Leatherist


Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline 		Nodding, that is pretty much my experience as well. And why I won't spend much time catering to someone who shows no signs of coming off of the net-and into MY reality.

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RE: Fantasy island? - 8/27/2008 8:08:29 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Padriag

quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist

Ever seen,or been someone so entrenched in a fantasy that you basically sabotoged your own chances?

About 95% of the profiles I read here fall into this category. 


I would say that the percentage above reflects fairly closely the number of women that have contacted me online that are living a fantasy. As Whip says, they tend to disappear. It's one of the reasons I don't discuss much kink or sex with them until after alot of other communication. It weeds them out rather quickly.

And now........off topic........PADRIAG!! It's nice seeing you around. Either I've missed your posts or you've been busy offline for awhile.


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RE: Fantasy island? - 8/27/2008 10:03:51 AM   
justgemmie


Posts: 246
Joined: 8/24/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist

Ever seen,or been someone so entrenched in a fantasy that you basically sabotoged your own chances?


greetings Leatherist  :)

oh hell yes, and although several folks had pointed it out to me, i only just truly realized it within the past couple months!  unlike many, i love Gor.  wanted to be a slave, wanted to specifically be kjiara.  there have been several Doms that came into my life in the past few years that were good Men in their own right.  however, they were not lookin for a slave and/or were not Gorean, so i sabotaged it and always blamed them/fate/compatibility, something for it not working.

this past May i saw a biker dude  i thought was soooo hawt .... but He wasn't looking for a slave ~~ He wanted a submissive, a partner, a lover, a woman.   well hell, that wasn't me! i'm gonna be a slave!

*smiles*  now i'm His submissive/partner/lover/woman ......... not even close to a slave.  and i'm very happy.  and it only took 3 years to learn to "love the Man not the label."

well wishes,
gemmie

< Message edited by justgemmie -- 8/27/2008 10:07:52 AM >

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RE: Fantasy island? - 8/27/2008 10:30:55 AM   
yourMissTress


Posts: 1665
Joined: 6/14/2005
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

quote:

ORIGINAL: Padriag

quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist

Ever seen,or been someone so entrenched in a fantasy that you basically sabotoged your own chances?

About 95% of the profiles I read here fall into this category. 


I would say that the percentage above reflects fairly closely the number of women that have contacted me online that are living a fantasy. As Whip says, they tend to disappear. It's one of the reasons I don't discuss much kink or sex with them until after alot of other communication. It weeds them out rather quickly.

And now........off topic........PADRIAG!! It's nice seeing you around. Either I've missed your posts or you've been busy offline for awhile.



I weed the fantasy online players out quickly as well.  Currently, my girlfriend and I have been looking for playtoys.  Her normal process would consist of a month or so of emails and phone calls before setting up a meeting.  She was aghast when I said "nope, not me, not playing those games, I meet them ASAP.  I want to know before I invest time and energy talking and chatting and getting to know them, that they can SHOW UP."
 
So far out of I don't know how many emails, we have set up 10 or so meet and greets, and out of those 10 we haven't been stood up, but we've had 4 or 5 either call ahead to cancel, or just not follow through with confirming the date and time.  She was nervous at first because she was stepping outside of her comfort zone, but it's turned out well for us, and she's now reformed.

< Message edited by yourMissTress -- 8/27/2008 10:31:41 AM >

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RE: Fantasy island? - 8/27/2008 1:40:02 PM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist
Ever seen,or been someone so entrenched in a fantasy that you basically sabotoged your own chances?


Uh, I think the better question would be "how many times in your life have you NOT seen this behavior?"  Honestly it is rampant in the vanilla world and based upon my limited RL BDSM experience, it appears to be absolutely systemic in "the scene".

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RE: Fantasy island? - 8/27/2008 1:55:30 PM   
WhiplashSmile2


Posts: 526
Joined: 6/11/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: justgemmie

quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist

Ever seen,or been someone so entrenched in a fantasy that you basically sabotoged your own chances?


greetings Leatherist  :)

oh hell yes, and although several folks had pointed it out to me, i only just truly realized it within the past couple months!  unlike many, i love Gor.  wanted to be a slave, wanted to specifically be kjiara.  there have been several Doms that came into my life in the past few years that were good Men in their own right.  however, they were not lookin for a slave and/or were not Gorean, so i sabotaged it and always blamed them/fate/compatibility, something for it not working.

this past May i saw a biker dude  i thought was soooo hawt .... but He wasn't looking for a slave ~~ He wanted a submissive, a partner, a lover, a woman.   well hell, that wasn't me! i'm gonna be a slave!

*smiles*  now i'm His submissive/partner/lover/woman ......... not even close to a slave.  and i'm very happy.  and it only took 3 years to learn to "love the Man not the label."

well wishes,
gemmie


I've said to myself a couple of times when looking at profiles! Would they be more interested in serving me or the world of GOR.  I mean come on.  What is a M/s relationship about here?  The world or Gor?  So I've passed on responding to slaves that seek to Serve Gor and not somebody else.   It should be more about finding somebody who's a match right?

I've been pretty open about exploring things with a slave, submissive, switch or Domme.  All of which the relationship dynamics could be slightly different or worked out, provided there was a connection or something in common to begin with.

However, many people are in fact entrenched in their own fantasies of what they want.  Dommes who only want male slaves and no desire for being part of Dom power couple, Slaves that want to Serve Gor instead of a Master, Slaves that want to live life out of the basement, and an endless list of things.



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RE: Fantasy island? - 8/27/2008 2:29:10 PM   
justgemmie


Posts: 246
Joined: 8/24/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: WhiplashSmile2

Would they be more interested in serving me or the world of GOR.  I mean come on.  What is a M/s relationship about here?  The world or Gor?  So I've passed on responding to slaves that seek to Serve Gor and not somebody else.   It should be more about finding somebody who's a match right?

However, many people are in fact entrenched in their own fantasies of what they want.  Dommes who only want male slaves and no desire for being part of Dom power couple, Slaves that want to Serve Gor instead of a Master, Slaves that want to live life out of the basement, and an endless list of things.


greetings WhiplashSmile2

ummm, i didn't say i wanted to "serve Gor" did i?  i said i love Gor, meaning such as the philosophies by which Goreans live, as in the real life dynamics of a Master who is Gorean, etc.  my apologies if i was unclear.  having been involved with Gorean folk for several years, and having a basic understanding of what being Gorean means, i forget it's not necessarily well known or understood.  and, well, i don't know any girl who wants to "serve Gor."  i don't quite understand what that means to be honest.

as to the question of "It should be more about finding somebody who's a match right?"  absolutely - that is what i just shared that i have recently recognized.  if You seek a slave and see a girl who is unowned, why pass her by?  the worst that will happen is she will say no thank You.

well wishes,
gemmie

[edited to add a closing]

< Message edited by justgemmie -- 8/27/2008 2:31:06 PM >

_____________________________

"Being a Master to somebody or a slave to somebody is a relationship bound status. Without the relationship the status does not exist and all that is there is the potential or the natural inclination to fulfill such a status in the future." ~ ishyB

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